Boyfriend got really mad (really fast), refuses to speak to me and won't resolve things. What can I do to fix this?

[Anonymous]

We got into a fight a week ago. He hasn't spoke to me since. I still have some of my stuff at his place and he hasn't told me to get it or anything. He hasn't said he wants to break up officially, he just asked for space to think. But it's been a week and I haven't heard anything at all. A week seems really excessive, especially when we'd always resolve disagreements quickly before. We didn't have many disagreements at all and our relationship was not considered problematic. We got along well. We were very loving and happy until this recent fight. I find it hard to grasp how this is so much different and why we can't just resolve things and move forward like we would any other time.

We had said we could reach out to each other during the space, but neither of us have. I know I'm allowed to make the first move, I'm just afraid to. What if he's still mad? What if he says he wants to break up completely? I don't want to lose him or our relationship, especially over something like this. I can't see any valid reason that would justify a break up.

Should I assume he wants to end it or can I hold on to hope that there's still a chance he'll come to his senses and want to stay together still? I'm really shocked at how things went so bad, so quick. We've never had anything like this before and I'm confused by his angry, outlandish behavior.

[MrOracle]

His behavior might have been angry and outlandish, but what about yours? I wasn't there, obviously, but have you reflected on your own words and your own behavior? If not, perhaps you should.

Here's something you should know: in a relationship, women need to feel loved, but men need to feel RESPECTED. A man who doesn't feel respected cannot feel loved. This is why the bible instructs men to love their wives and women to respect their husbands. Have you been making him feel respected? If not, this might explain why he got so angry so fast. Again, I wasn't there, so I don't really know - I'm just giving you something to think about.

If he really is this hot-tempered and there really was NO REASON for him to be this way, then maybe it's not the best idea to be with him in the first place. Again, just something to think about.

[Asker]

Well, yes. A man and woman each need love and respect. I respect him, that's why I agreed to give him space, despite it being weird since it's never happened before.

I was angry too, but no where near his level. He got super angry and hot. Even when I tried to defuse it and apologized for my portion, he still wouldn't have it and was really angry and ranting. Then he said he wanted space to think. I agreed and went with it.

He does have a really bad temper. I've seen him explode before, just never at ME. Anytime he'd have an anger fit, I'd just try to avoid him and not say a lot, then try to get him to calm down and see that he shouldn't let things/people get under his skin so bad. He'd calm down and that'd be that. With our previous disagreements, he had never really got this aggressive. We'd have a disagreement, give it a few hours, each apologize, discuss things and call it go. We would move on and that was that. This time was insane. It was like a whole new level. Everything was different. The intense anger. The request for time apart. The not accepting my apology. I was really upset, but I didn't want to make it even worse, so I left.

[Asker]

Before we ever got to OUR disagreement, he had a bad attitude and seemed mad. I had no idea why. I even asked what was wrong and he wouldn't acknowledge the topic. Then once we started to have a disagreement, he just blew up massively. I feel that SOMETHING underlying created the outburst, but I don't know what.

[MrOracle]

What you don't seem to understand is that if a person has a bad trait - even if it isn't directed at YOU initially, it's only a matter of time before it is. This is why, when someone is vetting a potential partner, they pay attention to things like: how does this person treat servicepersons, such as waiters or cashiers or tellers - ESPECIALLY if there's a problem? If they get loud and angry and make a scene, you have to KNOW that sooner or later, YOU are the one who will be on the receiving end of that treatment. If they use violence on others, or steal from others, or cheat on others, they will eventually use violence, steal from, or cheat on YOU. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.

If this is who this man is, you can't be surprised when he acts this way towards you. You KNEW WHO HE WAS, and somehow thought you would be exempt. That's not how the world works.

So, now, you have some hard decisions to make. And, hopefully, you'll do a much better job of vetting any future potential partners.

[Asker]

I understand what you're saying. He had a history of fighting and being angry before we got together, but that attitude seemed to calm once we got together. A lot of people were surprised and mentioned how much more civil he was around me and he had told me he'd never do that to me. Deep down, I kind of knew one day he might. But I did want to give him the benefit of the doubt. We have a child together, so I'd prefer us to work things out for the kid

[MrOracle]

A child certainly changes the dynamics of things. At this point, I wish you the best. I recommend you get some relationship counselling, preferably from a MALE therapist, who would be better able to hold him accountable and relate to him better.

[Asker]

Thank you for your input and suggestions.

[Plugs]

Something is u lol. Take accountability stop gaslighting

[Asker]

@Plugs I have seen you leave rude answers before with relationship questions. How exactly do you know what happens with people's situations? You know what they've posted. That's it. In my case, something was going on before our disagreement, he just wouldn't say what. If it was me, I don't know what happened because everything was normal and fine. I noticed a shift in his mood, so I asked what was going on. Nothing was said and we ended up having our own disagreement later. I apologized for my part of it and he refused to apologize for his or even talk about things. How is that MY fault? He is stonewalling. He is refusing to talk. He is instead going silent and aloof. VERY unhealthy traits.

[slatyb]

Get your stuff. If he doesn't respond send a demand letter.

[Asker]

He ended up reaching out, but he said nothing about a decision with us. He said he still hadn't had time to think about anything involving it because he's had a hard week/a lot going on. THAT was a pretty bad excuse. I mean a week is plenty of time to come up with a decision as to whether you're staying in a relationship or not. He just had a casual conversation, asking me how I've been and wanting to know how life was for me and shared what had been going on with him. Then he told me if I needed anything, to call/reach out. I told him the same, but wow. NO decision after a week? Wow.

[Anonymous]

Why does a breakup have to be justified in your eyes? You’re talking like it needs to be legally written down for it to be valid or something. If he’s over the relationship then he just is, doesn’t have to make perfect sense, doesn’t have to be agreeable, you don’t even have to like or want it. That is his choice for his own reasons and you have to make peace. After a week of no talking to me it sounds like his mind is made up and he’s just thinking of how to finally tell you. Yes it sucks, I am very sorry for what you’re experiencing but I’d say to prepare yourself for that conversation and to be civil about it, don’t make it hard or be biased. It isn’t just about you.

[Opinion Owner]

What if he’s just tired of resolving? What if he’s tired of the fight or how the relationship runs in general? How you view the relationship is based on your personal experience and your needs as a result. It’s not you caring about what’s good for him, if the relationship is functional anymore for him or if he just isn’t feeling as happy as you are.

[Asker]

That's just it - we don't even fight often. Whenever we had a disagreement, we would resolve it. We agreed on that when we first got together. We were aware we wouldn't be perfect and would have disagreements. But we agreed to resolve them maturely. This does not justify a break up in my eyes because it wasn't bad enough for that.

[Asker]

Also, I've broken up with people before. I have NEVER let it linger like this. If I made the choice to end it, I let them know ASAP and told them to get their stuff and not return. I've never allowed someone to have false hope for a second. I have been clear and transparent and let them know right away it was over. Making someone wait with no clear answer is giving them false hope there's still a chance you won't leave. That's wrong to put someone through that and play with their emotions.

It sucks, but you maturely make the decision to tell them the truth, not be a coward and wait and wait to tell them. You just rip it off like a bandaid and get it over with.

With him not telling me it was a true break up, still having some of my stuff at his place, that is giving ME the impression he still may come around and decide he wants to stay together. If that isn't true, that's not fair and he needs to be mature. If he made the choice to leave, he needs to tell me straight up. Tell me to get all my belongings and that's that. Not play silence games and "cat and mouse" games where we may or may not be together anymore. There shouldn't be any guesswork. Either you are or you're not. You don't leave it simmer. If you've decided to break up, you break up and go on.

[Opinion Owner]

See honey, this is your own perspective. It’s how you viewed the disagreements, and what you believe is justifiable or not.

How you perceive things doesn’t mean that’s what he’s experiencing as well. Fights don’t have to be blown up and ridiculous for the nature of them to be off-putting or completely finalizing.

For example, if I argued with my partner about his PlayStation and how much he uses it, while for me it’s a big deal, he’d really feel like it wasn’t. Or if we had a disagreement about whether or not the tv should be on at night, I may think turning it off should be fine, while he thinks it should be on because it helps him sleep better. We have different views within our relationships and sometimes for one of us it’s make or break.

It’s completely fine if you don’t feel like the nature of that argument was justifiable for a breakup, but it’s not just about you and what you feel is right or wrong. You’re content in the relationship without any plans to breakup, but he may not feel that way, and he’s entitled to that.

[Opinion Owner]

With your second statement, I could not agree with you more and completely empathize. Regardless of how he feels, it’s wrong and cold to leave you hanging like this. If I were you it would be grounds to stop waiting for him and end it myself, because what the fuck, you know?

Even if he’s leaning towards a breakup (which it sounds like unfortunately) he should not only be mature enough, but have the respect for you to end things formally. I hope when he does come around to talk, you keep this in mind. Everything you’re feeling, how long he made you wait, and consider if that’s the sort of person you want to continue on with.

[Asker]

Thank you very much for that. Yes, I know we all have different views. That's why some people just are not compatible with one another. We would let indifferences like that go mostly and find some sort of mutual compromise for whatever (like the TV or whatever). The behavior made me think something underlying was going on. He was in a bad mood before our argument ever occurred. I had even asked why but he just avoided the subject. I feel something was definitely eating at him or bothering him and for some reason, he just chose not to share it. He may have even picked a fight over it to release the anger. Not right if so, but I don't know.

[Asker]

All I want is the truth. Obviously, I'd much prefer to just work things out because breaking up seems crazy. But if he doesn't want me, well, he needs to say so. Just staying silent, keeping me on hold and making me wait and wonder is BS. I deserve the truth. Honesty is the best policy and being mature is part of being an adult. This is not an adult way to handle this at all. You either say you want to break up and end things, or you apologize and ask the other person to forgive you. You don't play games and leave them guessing as to what you're going to decide. It's immature and unfair.

He had a known bad temper before we started dating. Got into fights and was just kind of a bad-tempered person. People had commented that after we got together, he calmed down a lot. He told me he wouldn't ever get aggressive with me too. I kind of feel like that old, angry, aggressive personality is coming back out and now, yes... he has expressed it to me.

[Opinion Owner]

Honestly I think you may be a bit too grounded for someone dealing with anger issues, and too compromising for someone who chooses to handle his issues like this.

You are a mature woman, and I’d like to think that in your world, logic will always override the emotional aspects of your decision-making. When you put the love you have for him aside, exactly what sort of man are you dealing with? Will these anger issues and means of handling his troubles be something you just “have” to coexist with?

You are absolutely correct with everything you’ve said when it comes to how he should be handling things, it is a fair standard you have set (to communicate, let you know if he’s over it, etc), yet you are compromising your own beliefs in order to stay with him.

At some point you have to ask yourself how much compromising will have to be done in order to “understand” him and ultimately keep him in your life. Will you just have to walk on eggshells, being careful not to do this or that and set him off? Will you always have to worry about him going awol whenever something is wrong?

These are just aspects to consider, because right now I think you’re more focused on your fear of losing him rather than what he’s putting you through.

[Asker]

You are definitely correct. I have done the "walk on eggshells" crap before and I've said NOT again. It isn't right. No one should ever have to "worry" what they say or do may "offend" their partner. We had made an agreement beforehand that we understood all relationships had disagreements. We accepted we would too. But we agreed that it wasn't having fights, it was how you handled them that mattered. He is definitely not handling things to the "standard" we agreed to.

Instead of communicating like we always discussed (and despite me ASKING to talk about things), he chose to become aloof and "stonewall" me, refusing to communicate anything, refusing to accept my apology, never offering his own apology and choosing to be "alone to think" instead. That is incredibly immature and shows that he does not have healthy adult skills when it comes to navigating a relationship.

I don't really know what he gets out of doing this. He surely can't be getting "happiness" if he really loved me like he claimed. If you love someone, you work things out and communicate when there is an issue. You agree upon things that are truly dela-breakers (like cheating) and you work through any other differences. You have to really think about what you have and whether it's worth throwing it all away over something petty. Sadly, many people make the decision to do that daily. It is their choice, but whatever he is choosing in this case, he needs to make me aware. Just leaving me in the dark is unfair and childish. Just give a straight answer. Why let it linger? It almost seems like this may be a game to him. Like he's "punishing" me and "teaching me a lesson". Again, not healthy or mature at all.

I strive for honestly and mutual agreements. When a disagreement occurs, do as we have before - talk, apologize and make sure we're both ok with things before we agree to move forward. You don't bring up the past, keep letting things linger with no resolution or refuse to communicate.

[Opinion Owner]

Unfortunately agreements get broken all the time, and actions are what you should be holding him accountable for, not his words. You shouldn’t be with a man who needs verbal agreements (that he doesn’t even abide by in the first place) to do the right thing. You shouldn’t have to hold his hand and coach him through what it means to be a solid partner either, it should just be what he actively does every day. You list point for point what he should be doing, what the expectations were when you got into a relationship, and how he is ultimately failing to do his part. So you know it should be healthier, more sustainable and quite frankly better than this, and he is disappointing you yet again.

Ask yourself, if what’s going on right now was as good as the relationship was ever going to get, would you stay with him? Without considering plans for the future or words from the past, if all you had to look forward to was this right now, do you think you’d stay in it?

[Asker]

So he called me. He literally said due to everything he's had going on, he hasn't had time to think about anything. He said he was sorry he hadn't yet, but it had been hectic. WHAT THE F*CK? It's been a WEEK and you STILL have NO decision as to if you want to stay together or break up? How? Even with other things going on, I'VE had time to think about what happened with us. To me, no, it's not worth a break up at all. That would seem silly to walk away over that. But, it is his choice. And he has not MADE that choice yet? WOW. Just wow. A week later and you haven't a single clue as to what you want.

He was normal too. Seemed slightly off/sad and almost seemed like there were a few things he wanted to say but opted not to because there were several "pauses". I was trying to tread lightly because I had no idea what to expect. I was keeping my guard up. I was HOPING for an answer. I was hoping he'd give me a straight answer either way. Nope. Just games apparently.

He asked how me and the kid was (we have a kid together if I haven't mentioned that). He wanted life updates. It was a normal catch up call, with a bit of "poor me, life's hard" mixed in... but NOTHING about US. I'm not going to lie, that does kind of make me mad. I mean you've had me in hell for a week. Silence. Not knowing what you were thinking or what was happening. Then you do reach out and all you do is say yeah... I don't know what I'm doing still. I am not going to keep being on hold. That's for sure.

[Opinion Owner]

Wowww!! That is just… I have no words. Having a child in the mix definitely complicates the situation, but at the end of the day I hope you are able to act in your best interest by leaving him. It’s so wrong to just have you hanging all this time, and to still not know what he wants.

I feel like having a kid with you is the glue that holds you two together, not love. He wants the two parent household as well but not happy in the relationship, which if that’s the case then it’s fine, but still so wrong.

[Asker]

It made me pretty mad he won't give US (me and the child) an answer. I mean you've had a whole week to think and yet you are still wanting to keep me guessing? VERY immature. I've had plenty going on too (including simply caring for the kid), but I've had time to think about what happened. A week is more than enough time to give someone an answer regarding where you stand with your relationship.

[Opinion Owner]

I agree 100%, and that’s what makes me feel like he has his answer but not telling you. He would know by now, or if anything just give you the courtesy of a breakup so that he can continue “thinking”. It’s just not fair to string you along and you deserve more than that. This is not the idea of a man you’d want your son to become or your daughter to idolize and look for in men when she’s old enough to date. These are values and traits your child is learning from and will internalize once they’re old enough to understand.

[Asker]

All I have asked for from the start was honesty, even if I hated the answer. I was respectful and honored his request for space. I gave him what he wanted - time. Now he can't even give ME common decency known as honesty? Wow.

[Opinion Owner]

You never answered my question, but I’m really curious about it. If what’s happening right now was as good as the relationship was every going to get, all things considered would you stay? If the answer is no then you shouldn’t wait anymore for an official breakup and do it yourself. If the answer is yes, then I guess you’ll have to figure out how to cope and distract yourself when this happens. He’s showing you exactly who he is, and what you have to expect going forward. I don’t think it’s very great.

[Opinion Owner]

**ever going to get

[OtterMan68]

sounds like it's not meant to be

[Asker]

I'm mostly hurt because we have a child together and I never wanted to have a broken home. We had agreed to have the child because we were confident in the health and strength of our relationship.

[Anonymous]

Why don’t u get senses and talk and fix

[Asker]

I really want to, I'm just afraid he'll tell me he wants an official break up.

[Opinion Owner]

Huhhhh? Stop pretending and giving excuses

[Asker]

It's valid to worry about this. When you love someone and you're unsure of what you'll hear, it's scary.