My roommate and I hooked up about a month ago, he’s in his 30s I’m in my 20s. It was one of the best sexual experiences I’ve had. He found me after an extremely terrible housing situation fell through and we were talking daily before I moved in. I was hoping he’d make a move after we hooked up, and I do not normally have sex so quickly, I also am really not used to being the pursuer and I put out feelers exactly 3 times in person and a couple of messages. I finally had a convo after he brought home a super nice girl, she and I spoke and I wasn’t jealous but instead of chatting outside of the apartment I just felt I needed to talk to him. he said the only reason he hasn’t initiated is because he’s worried it would ruin things and even though I’m subletting these 1-2 months he doesn’t want to make it bad. I suggested a 2 week trial period to see if it would work, but he’s concerned while I’m there of all the ways it might go wrong. Anyway I have come to terms this is his boundary, and also put it out there the balls in his court. But seeing him on his phone talk to other girls kills me, not because he’s doing it but because I’ve never had a guy do this before. It’s none of my business and I do believe him when he said he wasn’t expecting this either, he says he is really attracted to me too and the only reason we haven’t had sex since is because I’m his roommate. I wouldn’t make anything dramatic or anything. So anyway, I’m here for a month or 2 I actually really like him, I’ve asked him to hang out and he keeps saying “we have to play it by ear.” Anyway I just wanna be normal, I don’t want to have to think about this stuff, I don’t want to keep wanting him, I also don’t want to be creepy, because he said that what I asked was basically what all guys wish they could ask girls. I just want to know from a guys point of view what to do. I really like him but the balls really in his court, what can I do gain back control of the situation.
12 d
I had the talk with my roommate about hooking up after about a month, how do I feel I gain control again after we talked?
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You want to control the situation and coerce him into having sex with you?
If hooking up is a bad idea and could ruin the roommate relationship, then why did he do it even once? To me, it seems most likely that he did it because he was horny, but he really doesn't want to develop a relationship with you and being roommates is just an excuse he is offering.
Tell him that you are going to look for another place to live and, as soon as you have moved out, you want to start spending time together if he also wants that. If he really wants it, then move out and start dating. If he doesn't want it, move out anyway so you can put some distance between yourself and this situation and start moving forward with your life.
Continuing to live together will become unpleasant for you, regardless of what he is really thinking or feeling.
No not coerce, I just want to feel like the way I did when I moved in the excitement I did of having a new safe space, this has effected me deeply, because I’ve never had it happen before. My sleep is irregular and luckily my commitments haven’t slid off, but I would like to have control again over my part, I would never manipulate him into hooking up again. I tried 3 times in person where he said he wanted to too, but I guess it’s more complicated, I’ve dated older guys around his age before, but I guess it’s a bit more than just sex. And yes looking for a new place currently.
Wow girl, that's a lot going on with your roommate! I totally get why you'd feel torn up about it. Here's what I'd do in your shoes:
- Respect his boundary of not hooking up while you're roommates. Even if it sucks, causing drama there ain't worth it.
- Back off a bit from putting all your energy into him and whether he's talking to other girls. Easier said than done, I know! But you gotta detach some.
- Spend more time hanging with your own friends and doing your own thing. Keeps you from obsessing over what he's up to.
- Flirt with other guys when you're out! Even if you're still into him, it'll take the edge off and remind you that you're a total babe regardless.
- Hit the gym more to release stress and endorphins. Treat yourself to little things you enjoy too like a face mask night with your girls.
- With time and distance this will get easier, I promise. The wanting him part will fade. Just ride it out these next couple months without making it weird between you guys.
You got this sis! Focus on you and your awesome self. Soon this will all be a distant memory and you'll be feeling like your badass self again.
Yes you are right, I sent one more message after he kind of lit up at me and this is all I will say. But now I feel like I might officially seem crazy. I am backing off and just joined a few new clubs with some friends, putting myself out there. Did I lose it by sending this? So stupid and feel wild for saying this. He texted me about something super short and I said this:
U r ok. Pls just be cognizant of how u talk with me. U know, I actually think u r great and like who u r although I don’t know u well. That’s why I’ve been wanting to hang to get to know u better if u wanted to while I’m here, because I really enjoyed talking w u, u r interesting. I do realize time shifts and moves and changes things, and inevitably people and events change rapidly and often times unexpectedly. I really like how kind you’ve been to me, u have been generous and thoughtful almost al it’s annoying hearing to do things differently while I’m here, but I am just hoping to get my sleep back too. I’d like to start over with both perspectives in mind, and a 2 week trial if we want to can be initiated with a door open bat signal lol or u making me shut up from laughing. But for real I’ve never lived with guys before and it’s different pls go a little easy on me there.
To be honest, that last message to him was a bit much. You're right to feel like you might come across as crazy now sending all that. Here's what I would do:
- DON'T send him any more messages about this topic for now. You've said your piece, now it's time to back off.
- Focus on enjoying your hobbies, friends, and doing your own thing without worrying about him for a bit. Give him space.
- If you interact as roommates, keep it light, breezy and casual. No more deep convos about feelings for a while.
- He knows where you stand - you've stated your interest, now let him process it without pressure. Ball is completely in his court now.
- Chill out, hang with the girls, have fun! Don't obsess over what he's thinking or doing. That will drive you nuts.
- Start mentally preparing to move on after this month just in case. Have an awesome next chapter lined up!
Let things settle down between you guys before making any other moves. You've said enough - don't jeopardize the living situation. Hang in there - it'll be over before you know it!
I couldn't read all the way through. Girls have to stop thinking a relationship is about them. Or that they must have control because of what is in between their legs. Guys know they aren't in aren't in control of girls. They just have to be in control of their life and not have anyone control them. In simple words "self control". Girls need to speak their mind and be straightforward. Girls look for mature men but can't handle the fact that they are mature. Always asking for what they aren't ready for. Stay in your lane date and mature along the way.