Why is my roommate behaving so distant?

[Dantylle]

Hello! For my last year in university I moved into a student‘s dorm. I moved in here in September after I ended a long and really toxic relationship. I met my roommate, who also happens to be in his last year but who’s also an exchange student.
I immediately felt attracted to him and involuntarily started flirting on every occasion. I didn’t even realise I was flirting. So 2 months later we had a few drinks and ended up sleeping together. I was stupid enough to tell him that I just got out of a relationship, but I was drunk.
We hooked up some more and then he went to his country over the holidays. We hooked up again when he returned last week. We‘ve never talked about what’s going on between us although it’s been 2 months of sleeping together.
But what irritates me the most is when we were intimate we talked for hours and hours but when we meet in the public kitchen we only share a “hi“ and “bye“. Now after the last time we slept together I feel like he’s become completely distant and it really hurts me. I wonder what I’ve done wrong. I also realised that I’ve started to develop feelings for him and perhaps it’s better to call it quits but on the other hand I’d really like to ask him what his problem is. Perhaps he noticed me falling in love with him. I don’t exactly have high hopes with him - I know that if he‘d wanted me, he’d act on it (although I wish he’d wanted me). I just can’t handle the current situation, it bothers me a lot. He also has his final exams in 2 weeks so perhaps he’s thinking about different stuff than hooking up with his heartbroken roommate.

so what should I think about his behaviour? Should I ask him why he’s so distant or should I maybe just accept that it’s probably over and get over it?

[Anonymous]

You don’t know his mind set or know what his perceptions are.

You saying you just got out of a relationship may have suggested to him you aren’t taking this seriously or won’t be able to.

If you want to get clarity you need to talk without assuming or being accusatory. We’ve been bumping uglies, have traveled and talked together, I’m starting to have feelings, and I need this to be a thing or I need to back out... I need to know where we stand “.

Don’t say stuff like why don’t you talk to me in the cafeteria , why don’t you care about the way I feel. Because all that shit assumes he is all knowing and is perfect in his perceptions even if it’s onvioys to you it may not be to him. Give him the benefit of some clarity to work from

[Dantylle]

Of course. I would never say something like that to him. However, I wanted to wait until his exams are over. Anyway, yesterday evening I was really cold and distant to him when we were together in the kitchen. Not mean, just distant but he still had a confused look on his face. Something happened earlier that day in the library that not only hurt me a lot but showed me that he clearly isn’t interested in me so I’ve stopped having hope now. I don’t know if he’ll ever ask to sleep with me again but if he did I don’t think I’d accept the offer. I caught feelings and need to get away from this.

[waaromniet]

Sounds to me like he doesn't know how to define what you have either, so he can open up when you were intimate, but random meets in the kitchen or something are confusing, does he treat you like someone he's intimate with or like anrandom roommate? when in doubt most guys go for the route that doesn't get you rejected if wrong ;)
Try talking about it when you're having a heart to heart, (maybe pillowtalk?)

[Dantylle]

Well we promised each other that it won’t be awkward. But it got awkward pretty much. He doesn’t even treat me like he treats the others. He seems to have lighthearted conversations with our other dormmates but with me there’s nothing but forced small talk, but mostly only “hi“ and “see you“. Maybe I was just a meaningless hook up for him - I don’t know. I know he has exams coming up but I was wondering if I should ask him out for a coffee in the library...

[waaromniet]

Promising it won't get awkward is pretty hard since often you can't help it unless you address it. go have a coffee with him. tell him you feel like it is getting awkward and want to talk about how you can both remedy it

[Dantylle]

I texted him but I don’t expect a reply. I hope he doesn’t feel I’m clingy.

[waaromniet]

well a text isn't clingy, as long as you aren't sending multiple texts before he has the chance to answer ;)

[Dantylle]

Well, he said he was busy. That’s it then, I won’t force things anymore and try focusing on myself. I also don’t want to sleep with him again because I clearly can’t handle it.

[waaromniet]

Yeah thats probably for the best. Sorry it didn't work out better for you

[Dantylle]

It‘s okay. I tried my best and it’s not worth it to ask myself what I die wrong and what is wrong about me. I can’t force anything. If it’s meant to be, it will be. if not, then not. But I needed to text him as closure. I feel like I’ve lost my face but it doesn’t matter now.

[Avicenna]

He probably doesn't feel comfortable with more than a casual relationship.

[Dantylle]

Yes. Probably. It’s futile to keep asking myself why I wasn’t enough and what I’ve done wrong. I should just give up and end whatever we had.

[Tommy2017]

To me I'll just advise you to talk to him.
All that you are doing now is guessing.
You can't really know what he is thinking if you don't just force and have an honest conversation with him.

[deryn]

Sorry can't help just here for the +5 points hehe