A guy I've been on dates with would not let me pay. Should I be worried?

[Anonymous]

I've been on 2 dates with this guy, both times we did activities then a lunch or dinner.

On first day when the check came for the dinner, I asked if I should get it and he paid for the games that we played earlier, he said he got it but said he appreciated it.

On second date when we were at check-out for the activities we purchased, I put my credit card to the card machine and said I should get this one since he paid for everything. He calmly said "Do you mind?" I thought he meant if I minded paying, but found out he meant if I minded that he paid. I was going to swipe my card but realized it was a touchless payment, and that his card went through when he asked if I minded.

When the check came at lunch, I put my credit card next to it and said I should get this one, since I didn't want him to pay for everything. He said just take him out next time, put his card and removed mine.

Later on I texted him what he meant by taking him out and if he wanted me to plan for next date (he's been doing the planning and told me not to worry). He said he only said that, and it was his pleasure to treat me to a good time and he's got it [the check].

I've enjoyed conversations with him & some deep ones, and would go on dates with him, but I'm feeling a little stressed 😅 I've heard that a woman said she didn't want guys to pay as a way to say that she had to go on dates with them.

I agree, but it doesn't seem like that's his intention (maybe not?). I'm also worried if he has expectations of me that's beyond the present moments (dates). For example, because he pays for dates, I'd have to assume traditional female roles, such as cooking, do the dishes, cleaning, etc.

He knows that I have a job & shown interest in learning about what I do, and he doesn't expect his partner to take care of kids because he said he leaves the decision of having children to the woman. (We're not in a relationship yet.)

Should I be worried (in addition to feeling bad) that he's been paying?

Updates

+1 y

We have 2 dates planned and coming up. One is a dessert date, which I'm not too worried, but wonder if he would at least let me pay this one! Also don't want to annoy him by trying to get every check (but what should I do? Let him pay? 😅 Fight for the check?) One is activities dinner. When I saw it was a $100 restaurant I felt a little pressured, but found that the food that I would order are around $25 per dish, so felt better, but still, what do I?

[Anonymous]

It’s really cool that you are being considerate about the expenses and splitting bills. For many guys (including me) it’s not the actual dollar amount and expenditure that’s an issue. It’s the fact if the girl is considerate about the money being spent. It’s about being mindful and not being a freeloader. I have met (more then one) women who 1) didn’t even say thank too or even glance at the bill on a date 2) even worse invited ME out to dinner expecting ME to pay for it. It was disgusting.

However from what everything I’ve read so far you have been very fair and considerate. The guy is paying for everything because he likes you.

You would be a keeper in my book if I found you attractive and had an easy time chatting with you. I would definitely want to date more.

My advice is before going on the next date is tell him straight up he was very generous earlier but you want to handle it this time. Tell him before the date. For most guys that will be a GOOD sign. Very good sign.

Just a word of warning. There are a small percentage of controlling men out there who will pay for everything as a means of control. Feminists like to accuse large swathes of men being like but thats exaggerated bs. They do exist but they are small minority. If he’s really like that there will be other red flags. He will be demanding, inflexible and easily irked if you change plans on him. That’s what you need to watch out for.

However there are still a sizeable percentage of men who were raised to be “chivalrous” and pay for everything. I raised this way myself and as risky (and sometimes self sabotaging) as this habit is, it’s oddly not easy to break out of.

For one we have be told that a woman offering to split the bill on the 1st or 2nd date is actually a “shit test” (and I’ve heard women admit this). If we let them split it she will lose interest and/or it’s neon sign she’s not interested but doesn’t want to be a freeloader (which is understandable).

That’s why I always keep the first date recreational and inexpensive. I can comfortably pay for everything and see what the girl is all about.

[Lliam]

It's really cool that you are offering to pay, but if he politely insists on paying, don't worry about it. Definitely don't fight for the check.

He's being a gentleman and treating you like a lady. At least he's not one of those dorks who wants to go Dutch on everything and keeps track to make sure he's not being taken advantage of. Or the kind of guy who expects a BJ if he pays for your dinner, as if you're an inexpensive prostitute.

It sounds like he is happy to pay and doesn't expect anything but the pleasure of your company in return.

Maybe he hopes that, by being a gentleman, you will feel secure when you are with him and want to continue dating him.
Maybe he really likes you and wants to show that he's a good provider and wants to take care of you.
Maybe he has traditional, gentlemanly value but is evolved and isn't the kind who will make demands and expect you to play the traditional wifey roll of staying home cooking and cleaning. Have you talked to him about both of your expectations along those lines?

If you guys are getting along, having fun, and like each other, I would advise having some discussion about what he would expect of a wife. Is he okay with you working and seeking fulfillment? Get to know each other better.

Beyond that, as I said, it's nice that you offer to pay. But don't fight over it and don't worry if he enjoys paying for dates. If, at some point, he tries to use it as a means of coercion, you'll know that he's a jerk. But it doesn't sound like that's where he is coming from.

[Anonymous]

there's either two sides when men do this , they either do this out of confidence , which is that he's confident in his abilities to provide for u (provider mentalility) or the i want to control you mentality which seems on the surface like he's providing but deep down he wants to feel in control even for later which gives him an ego boost from him "look at me im providing im the man here" kind of ego so yeah just read the signs well

it's all about the hidden intentions

[IslaTheWitch]

maybe instead of being worried show him your point of view and explain to him what makes you stressed? If you had some deep conversations and the guy looks decent, so why don't be honest with him? Communication is the foundation of every relationship...

[AviatorTom]

Worried about what? Just enjoy his company.

[Mr_twoface]

There is an unwritten rule that on dates, a man should (at least offer to) pay the meals/drinks. If a woman feels bad about it and wants to pay a bill or part thereof, she should offer it too, but generally the man will pay for it anyway. All mature men should be aware of this rule. One should though have a sense of politeness and not pick the most expensive item on the menu nor stack up a large amount on the bill. If a man can’t afford an expensive restaurant, they will politely decline that restaurant or inform you that it’s too expensive.

[Unit1]

You have a noble intention to not make him feel like a wallet, yet he puts himself in such a position willingly.

Worry not just yet. Although generally nothing Comes for free, you may have a rare case, that is unlike the conventional hidden catches behind having been spent money on.

You'll know when you have to worry when you'll feel your boundaries or comforts or dreams are being disrespected. If that will happen, you better heed your alarms sooner than later.

Have fun and good luck.

[Anonymous]

You're "worried" that he'll have sexual expectations because he paid for all your dates? News flash, and I mean pay attention to this - if he's THAT kind of guy, it doesn't mean SHIT who pays for what. You could pay for EVERYTHING and he'd still want sex, ... if he was that kind of guy.

Women -- when are you going to understand - paying your way on a date doesn't "relieve you from expectations on the guy's part" if you're with the wrong dude to begin with! All it does is give you a false sense of security. You think " well, he sees that I've paid my share so he knows I'm not obligated in any way". LOL You're not safe in any way from what he might want, you just think you are.

[BadApple69]

I come from a time and place that the man pays… period.
I actually can’t remember having a woman ever pay…. I’ve always thought that I was paying for the pleasure of the girls company, never thought I was buying sex or anything like that.
He sounds like an old time gentleman…. Enjoy it, they are rare.

[Serkee]

Men like to be able to provide for others, that's where we draw our worth from. And when we have a family, that becomes our life's purpose. It's instinctual. Paying the bill for a meal is just one way of doing that.

[Asker]

Thank you, but what if it doesn't to provide for a family? He has said that he would be fine with or without kid (s) and he would not pressure a woman to have kids. (I don't want kids and this topic came up so we talked about it.) We both want marriage with a lifelong partner.

[Serkee]

If you're married then you're family, right?

[Asker]

Oh, that's what you meant! I was thinking of parents and kid (s) because that's what people usually refer to when they say they want families. I've not heard people say that they want a family and say that they don't want kids.

[Serkee]

You were right, that is what I meant, but it applies to our wives too, not just our kids.

[Asker]

👍🏼

[bobby_bush_eater]

Firstly this is nothing to worry about. You offering to reciprocate and not always just expecting him to pay is great. I'm the same way as him, I pay for everything.

As far as the expectations, just have an open and honest conversation about that. Be plain with how you're feeling and thinking.

I think it sounds like the beginning of a relationship with a good respectful guy.

[Kit_Kat88]

Just allow the guy to pay. Don’t offer every time. You don’t owe him anything if he pays. You’re not forcing him by gun point to pay so don’t feel guilty or bad and just allow him to pay almost every time

[Billlewis]

Yes, ma'am, I agree with you wholeheartedly. I just started following you and I'd be honored if you'd like to follow me, as well, if that's alright. Thank you very much.

[DishLady]

Worried that you're being treated like a pretty, pretty princess? WHY? The guy is spoiling you. Enjoy it. Just don't take advantage of it.

[JacobJordan]

You should stop trying to be a man and start being a woman. You are being given traditional treatment something many women would kill for. Stop disrespecting him before he gets tired of it.

[Billlewis]

Worried? Hell, no! But if you ever get tired of having him pay, I'd love to take his place ❤️

[Asker]

So do I just let him pay for everything? 🤷🏻‍♀️😅

I'm not used to having a man pay for everything, and on every date. Besides the fact that I'm also not sure if there are implications or anything that I don't see and should be worried (in the present or future).

I do enjoy my conversations with him and like some good qualities he has. If he and I were to progress to a relationship, then what do I? Let him pay for everything? 😅

[Billlewis]

Here's what to do -- the ne t time he asks you out, say, 'Thts fine, as long as we agree that there are absolutely no strings attached -- just because I let you pay doesn't mean you're necessarily getting sex, got it?'

[Serkee]

@Billlewis I don't think being that direct about it is a good idea, that can easily be seen as accusatory. I'd definitely be offended if a date thought I was paying for things just to pressure her into sex, that would honestly hurt me to hear.

[Asker]

@Billewis Wow that's assumptive 😄 He has already said that he's looking for a lifelong partner and he doesn't do short-term or casual relationships.

@Serkee I agree. I think there would be no more date with him if I were to say that.

[deus_ex_sisyphus]

Perhaps after the date (he paid) you show up to the next with coffee (after asking him what he prefers) or a similar small gesture - its what a previous girl friend did for me when I put pressure on her by paying for the outings.

[DextroShade]

Sounds like he is the type of traditional masculine man that most women want. You, on the other hand, sound like a walking red flag for being upset that he's providing. If you want to do 50/50 date one of these soyboys.

[Awesomesauce2005]

You have a twisted sense of reality if you think you are supposed to pay on a date. A man must pay to show he can properly take care of you and support you.

[DishLady]

Not necessarily twisted. Girls often get asked to split nowadays so it’s good to at least be prepared… or to offer the tip as a courtesy… And if the guy says no, he’s able and willing to pay, then so be it. It’s just a matter of contemporary courtesy.

[Sirenboobzilla]

It's not a twisted sense. Every date I've been on I've offered to cover my half of the bill. I don't go in expecting someone to pay for me. If my offer is refused, then I politely accept.

Trust me, a man paying for dinner is not what shows me he can provide for me

[Awesomesauce2005]

@Sirenboobzilla i have never let a woman pay for a date. Its just common sense that my parents taught me.

[Sirenboobzilla]

There's nothing wrong with them teaching you that. It's technically the traditional way.

What I'm getting at is that not every girl is expecting you to be the one to pay. My dad raised me to always be prepared to cover myself.

I can build up quite the tab on my own. I like red meat and seafood, which are usually the more expensive items on a menu. I also like to make my Finnish and Czech ancestors proud by drinking like a sailor. I've easily broken $200 by myself on a bill. I'm not expecting a date to have to pay for that when all he may have had was a regular meal.

[Awesomesauce2005]

@Sirenboobzilla i dont drink but i do love meat and seafood lol

[Anonymous]

No that was the right decision on his part, women shouldn't pay for dates, men should always pay for dates, it doesn't matter if he's poor and she's rich he needs to always pay for dates, and if you let a woman pay for a date then you're less of a man and will offer nothing to the table in the future.

[chrissykerdock]

sounds like he's going to want blowjobs real soon

[andreasderjuengere]

We men usually mean what we say - take him by the word... and be happy.

[Anonymous]

You aren't sexually attracted to him at all are you?

[DreamLife7]

You're 30-35 years old asking special Ed questions. Sometimes I think certain pol should be euthanized at birth. And you're one of them

[RossyBoi]

Massive red flag. You should end things immediately.

[RedInnocent69]

Not in the least. Inviter pays. Take him out next time, if you want to.

[Whitedog1]

Be careful! Look for signs of his possible need for control over you. Meanwhile just relax.

[Fromdusktilldawn]

might be a simp or a "nice guy"