Why is it so common for people to pass up decent catches for people who are walking red flags?

Question

I seriously don't get it. Even when there isn't a decent catch involved, I swear that a huge percentage people either have chased, or are currently chasing after people who are just giant walking red flags. Unpleasant personalities, typically emotionally (and/or mentally) unstable, their personal lives are a train wreck, they can't hold a job to save their lives, have ongoing drama from past relationships in their lives, might even be criminals, etc. Much of the time, these people aren't even all that great looking, so it can't be looks unless the chasers have really unconventional tastes.

What I really don't get is how they'll pass up a seemingly nice, normal person who is willing to give them a chance in order to chase these train wrecks that play games or act uninterested or maybe only half interested at best. Is it the challenge? Is it the "I can change them" mentality? Is it all about the chase, like a game of catch and release? The need for approval from someone you don't already have it from and is hard to get it from? I've seen this with both men and women. It baffles me most when they're shocked it never works out and that the train wrecks end up being... well... train wrecks.

I don't know how many times I've seen girls chase jobless criminal men who have multiple kids whose lives they aren't a part of by their own choice, or guys chase girls who have reputations as serial cheaters, gold diggers, and straight up mean girl bitches, only for both of them to end up crying about the end result being just what you'd predict. What is the deal? Is the lust really that blinding? What is it that they see in these people, and what makes them ignore all of the blatant red flags? Even more so, what are they thinking when they actually have better options at their disposal? How come some of these people actually break up with their decent partners to chase people like this? I mean, I guess they're doing them a favor in the long run, but I'll never get the logic.

MrOracle · Accepted Answer

It's because most people today run their romantic life 100% on feelings, and they either want the really pretty/handsome person, the really successful person, or the really exciting person. The stable, reliable person with good morals is seen as boring. This is especially true when people are in their 20s.

Chaos and stupid risks seem fun when nothing bad happens, but sooner or later, something bad does happen. The really good looking people cheat because they have so many options. The gold-diggers clean you out and then leave when you are broke. The biker or gangster or drug dealer who is super macho beats you, or gets you sent to jail. But it was so fun and exciting at first, and your friends were jealous.

This is the result of Moral Relativism - the idea that nothing is inherently good or bad, so you can do whatever you want in the moment and everything will be fine. And few people seem to learn from the negative consequences of this practice, because they are taught not to and encouraged not to by society and the media. To the extent that their own personal experience isn't enough to change their thinking.

ArrowheadSW · Accepted Answer

I also have seen it many times. It has always puzzled me. Several years ago I was dating a nurse. The relationship wasn't thriving at all so I decided not to pursue it further. The next thing I heard was that she was dating an unemployed guy with kids for whom he was behind on child support. They started living together and he still didn't work. She put him through a school to "learn to play his guitar better", only so he could hold jam sessions in the garage with his friends and disturb the neighbors. They eventually got married and accumulated about $100,000 in debt. I heard that he eventually got a job. Good thing the relationship wasn't thriving when she and I dated because this other guy must have been more her type. I had a secure and successful career and had my own house and I wasn't in massive credit card debt.

CarolinaGirl5 · Accepted Answer

Because he's just not into you. He doesn't find you attractive. He's not obligated to like you. Men are go for looks then from there work their way up. If you're not attractive it's a nore-state//background_color_rgba (0, 0, 0, 0), font_color_rgb (77, 77, 77), justifyLeft

SnowyOwl · Accepted Answer

IDKKK... Why do I get attracted to non-committal people? Or with poor boundaries? ... And even when I reason it out that it's not good for me, my brain keeps bringing the thought of them... Persistent little shit lmao. I fight my brain all the time

Zack-Bann · Answer

A “catch” is hard to live up to
They will find themselves having to be on their best behavior at all times just to feel worthy of that person

The walking red flag is an easier commitment.
You can throw their red flags in their face if every they try to call you out on your own

That’s how this vicious cycle works

Nikki1989 · Answer

People often feel more comfortable with what they know, even if it's unhealthy.  
  If someone has a history of toxic relationships, they might unconsciously gravitate towards people who exhibit similar behaviours, as it feels familiar.  Of course, having low self-esteem doesn't help either.

Unit1 · Answer

Beats me. I've been wondering that myself. Love works in not fully known mechanisms. Fortunately that is not the case for me. I see a dealbreaker, i waste no more time and move on.

genericname85 · Answer

Cause it's common for people to either have self esteem issues and especially women to rather be with a exciting red flag who will stick with them, cause nobody else can bear him than a boring green flag who might leave her, cause he's so desired by other women.

Hawt14Gurlz · Answer

Tingles and the butterflies in their stomach. They do it for the feels and not out of any logic.

KingslayerC · Answer

99% of the time it's because the person is more masculine/feminine than the decent person, so we put our biological drive above our common sense.

Flower7 · Answer

A lot of people enjoy drama. I've had people I was dating complain that we don't argue enough.

morganherrel · Answer

most people will never know true romantic love and that's ok

just like it's ok for some people to have inferior judgment on certain things---we're all different

not everything is realistically obtainable for everyone

Miristheiss · Answer

Online dating and people thinking there is an endless abundance and that they can always do better.

paledreams · Answer

I don't want drama in my life 🧬😭 lol 😆😆😆😆😆re-state//background_color_rgba (0, 0, 0, 0), font_color_rgb (77, 77, 77), justifyLeft

Decoded93 · Answer

It’s excitement they’re chasing, humans are scared of becoming bored

Aakash_Hangargi · Answer

Cause decent is vanilla and the rest exciting. re-state//background_color_rgba (0, 0, 0, 0), font_color_rgb (77, 77, 77), justifyLeft

Anonymous · Answer

Feelings.

Never try to understand them they're not logical.

Also the difference between men and women is apples and oranges. So you can't use a woman's selection process to understand a man's and vice versa.

SunnyRS · Answer

People tend to chase the thrill, like a mother chases fire knowing well enough that it will burn the moth. re-state//background_color_rgba (0, 0, 0, 0), font_color_rgb (77, 77, 77), justifyLeft

In_Trance · Answer

What appears to be a red flag to you is not to someone else and vice versa.  Your logic is flawedre-state//background_color_rgba (0, 0, 0, 0), font_color_rgb (77, 77, 77), justifyLeft

Stellastar_10 · Answer

People like excitement, a decent catch can be boring

DrPepper12 · Answer

Cuz humans are horrific at risk analysis, the grass is always greener, YOLO, lookism, etc

TheCoffeeisHot · Answer

People don't know themselves so they gravitate toward people who have similar flaws to themselves.

DtMe89 · Answer

Women get bored, easily and want "projects"

bobby_bush_eater · Answer

Goes both ways. I feel you but just know, it only takes one good man.

Intheclouds00 · Answer

Because there is something about unpredictable danger people really like

msc545 · Answer

The people that are walking red flags are also often a lot more exciting...

Floresazulitos · Answer

Social media made them do it. Plus, especially younger people chose the one that is mean instead of the respectful, good ones. it is bad

Changebox00 · Answer

The challenge. Wanting to change someone. Sounds ridiculous but true! Just have to grow out of it.

Kayleigh2005 · Answer

I usually date to ur level

Alex-Snow · Answer

They should learn from their mistakes

LiamJHayden · Answer

Familiarity feels safer.

Ariesman81 · Answer

Danger is exciting

jahaims · Answer

They have unhealed trauma

Why is it so common for people to pass up decent catches for people who are walking red flags?

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