When a man puts rules on what his partner can or cannot do, does it mean he's controlling?

[HawkPerception]

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Yes

No

[LogicBomber]

Setting boundaries in a relationship is NOT controlling, it’s setting standards that you expect in a partner, regardless of the male or female in the relationship.

A person who believes that their partner’s expectations are unfair, should not be in a relationship.

For example, a girl who insists on exposing herself even when her partner feels it is not ok when she is not single, should not be in a relationship. If you require sexual attention from other men when you are not single, then you shouldn’t be with someone.

[alice55]

Well technically asking your girlfriend not to wear revealing clothes / post sexy pics on social media is controlling and it's actually forbidden by the laws depending on which country you live in, (in mine for example this behavior is illegal by the laws and you can go to jail if you do it or get a huge fine for it).

So yes is it controlling and illegal behavior but after it depend on the woman is she ok with it or not, if she's ok then the relationship will continue but like I said depending on the country if you set those rules if the relationship goes downhill then risk facing prison for it.

[LogicBomber]

@alice55 setting boundaries in not illegal. Saying to a partner that you will not be in a relationship with a female who insists on exposing herself for male sexual attention, is not telling her what to do. It is setting a boundary that says you refuse to stay if they choose to do things that are disrespectful while in a relationship.

[HawkPerception]

@alice55 If that's what you consider controlling, then I don't believe you're relationship-ready. And if you are, then I feel bad for your partner.

[alice55]

I don't personally consider this as controlling but in my country there's a new laws they passed where they say that. a person who ( control what a person wears where a person go, who they talk to, etc... is controlling and is it illegal by the laws).
They call it coercive control, I just saw it on the news like 3 days ago.
Personally I think those things are normal in relationship but it seem in my country they consider it as being a forms of domestic violence for some reasons. I never said I agreed with their views.

[alice55]

Is it in my country, they passed a new laws three day ago about it, they consider this behavior as being coercive control and domestic violence.
I'm just explaining my country laws and I'm pretty sure a lot of others country have it as my country is pretty behind in. a lot of things. Like here a rape can only be a rape is there's physical evidence of violence (bruises, choking, blood, etc...) of there's no physical evidence then is it considered as consensual even if the person didn't give consent.

[LogicBomber]

I’ve been happily married for 10 Years, which is irrelevant to the facts anyways.

Having boundaries is healthier for a relationship than having none.
People without boundaries get taken advantage of and cheated on.

If your partner was going to go to a bar without you, dressed in clothing you knew would have drunken women approaching him all night and trying to get him to go home with them… you’d be ok letting him go?

[AManOnTheWeb]

Yeah that's controlling, bud. I have never once sat down with my wife and told her what she could or couldn't wear. She's a fucking adult. she can maker her own decisions.

[alice55]

Well I'm not saying it's a bad things, I think it's normal but in my country they create a laws saying that now that's criminal behavior for some reasons, so I was just wondering if other countries had similar laws.

And if my partner did it I will just break up, I fail to see which kind of clothing would be considered as revealing for a man but going to a bar alone is a red flag. So I would either tag along or break up.

[LogicBomber]

@AManOnTheWeb I will say it one more time for your brain cell in the back, I don’t tell my wife what she can and can not do. She as well as I have BOUNDARIES which is simply stating things you do not accept in a partner.
So you are literally saying that if you wife goes and bangs 10 dudes, you just are ok with it because she “iS aN aDuLt aNd cAn mAkE hEr oWn dEcISIoNs”

Or you have A BOUNDARY that says you won’t put up with cheating.

Which one is it?

[AManOnTheWeb]

Maybe the English language is new to you, but boundaries are a form of CONTROL. Saying I'm not controlling, I just make boundaries, is in fact controlling. I didn't marry a woman who wants to bang 10 dudes. It literally doesn't come up. Maybe your parters are always trying to fuck other guys because you're an obnoxious guy? Or you can't satisfy them?

[LogicBomber]

@AManOnTheWeb since you can’t seem to understand basic analogies, it’s ironic you try to shame me with not being able to comprehend English.
The point is, there are things your partner could and would do that would cause you to leave. It doesn’t mean she will or that she wants to, it simply means that as a human being, she can do shit that goes against your morals or ethics or basic boundaries. Pretending that there is absolutely no way she would ever disappoint you is insane and unrealistic.
But I don’t need to beat my head against a wall with this conversation, you will always find an excuse to avoid the basic logic of my statement.

[Steve-the-lion]

@alice55 Well for one, it would be almost impossible to prove. And secondly, acts and statutes are not laws.

[KrakenAttackin]

No, it means he has boundaries. If a woman wants to act single, she can be single. She is allowed to have rules for the relationship as well.

[DishLady]

@KrakenAttackin Is that all @HawkPerception is actually referring to, though? I mean, I *agree* with you that "acting single" is not ok if you're with someone, but some guys get TOOOO possessive and controlling when they're with a girl. (Don't get me wrong. Some girls are psycho like that about their guys also. Neither is right bc it shows that they fundamentally don't trust their boyfriend/girlfriend.)

[HawkPerception]

@DishLady Truthfully, that's all I'm actually referring to, but I guess my question was phrased a little too ambiguously.

I think there are always going to be rules in a relationship. Some don't need to be vocalized, while others might need to be addressed just to set the boundary. I don't believe it's controlling. Being in a relationship automatically means you're less free and that's not necessarily a bad thing.

All the same things I expect of a girl, she's free to expect of me. For example, if I say I don't want her going out partying in provocative clothing, I think that's fair. If she doesn't want me going out to a party with a tank top and grey sweatpants, that's also completely fair.

If I want to know where she is and who she's with and any updates any time that changes, I think that's fair. And it's the same if she wants to know where I am and I'm with. It's all about respecting your partner and doing things that make them comfortable and at ease because you care about them.

If you don't care about or respect them, then I can say go be free Free Willy

[DishLady]

@HawkPerception, My ex had a rule -- don't go anywhere without him. Not ANYWHERE, including work... the supermarket... etc. It became oppressive. Meanwhile, once he dropped me off at work he went galavanting around with half the stay-at-home moms from the PTA... and one of the teachers whose primary afterschool activity was poaching stay-at-home dads... So it was a one-way rule for him.

My one rule? Don't f*k other people when you're married to me. I thought that one was fair enough. Didn't think I needed to post a Lutheran doctrine to the door...

[HawkPerception]

@DishLady Not being able to go ANYWHERE without your partner is definitely too much. That is too possessive and I get it.

However, I will say that if my partner is going to a party or something, I'd hope that she at least gives me an invite or a reason as to why I'm not invited.

Not fucking other people is more of an unsaid rule or expectation in a relationship for most people. I think there's a little more to a healthy relationship than that. And I think rules are healthy as long as they're not overly possessive or toxic. Like there are some guys that don't let their partners talk to ANY guys. I've seen it in person. That's nuts to me.

[DishLady]

Ah! Yes yes, well you're young and have a sweetheart. That's nice. Obviously she's going to set the event up really nicely and is probably mentioning it to you so you free up your calendar from now. Unless it's a "girls day" sort of thing, which is also normal. Sometimes gals just need a day to veg out.

No, if she was going to a party and getting all gussied up then she should tell you about it to see if you can come... or if you're not able to come she should let you know which friend she's going with (just in case god forbid something happens and the friend calls you).

I don't know... the rule thing bothers me because I was very oppressed and put down by my ex for a v. long time. I have zero tolerance for it now.

[HawkPerception]

@DishLady Sorry to hear about that experience. Glad you're past that phase of your life now

[KrakenAttackin]

@DishLady If she wants to go clubbing or on "girls trips", she can be single.

[DishLady]

I don't know about the girl trip thing. Here my guy friends go on retreats and camping/fishing trips and the gals go do a day at a spa or theater or whatever. It’s not always a nefarious club situation.

[TheRealPepperPotts]

100% yes. Discussing an issue and collaborating on a solution is fine. Telling someone what we are willing to do and put up with is fine. But making rules for a romantic partner is definitely a fast track to ending the relationship and is an unhealthy dynamic.

I know this is about men, but for the sake of clarity I'm going to flip it. If a woman puts rules on what a man can and cannot do, she's being controlling. She's trying to mold him into a fantasy of who she think he should be rather than who he is. It means she views him as a blank piece of paper to print her ideal man on. When he's not, she's upset.

When we find ourselves trying to make people fit our vision of what we want, it likely means they aren't actually what we want, sadly.

[JesseP1nk]

So if my girlfriend does not allow me walk around on the street my dick out / shave my head bald then its controlling

[TheRealPepperPotts]

@JesseP1nk Yes, she would be controlling if she refused to allow you to shave your head by restricting access to your bank account and hiding your razor, or if she locked down the house and put you in handcuffs in an effort to prevent you from public indecency.

She is not controlling, however, if she lets you know that she is not going to stick around while you disrespect and humiliate her. Then you get to decide if you want to do whatever you want (your choice) or if you are going to have a conversation about acceptable boundaries. It's within your power to find a mutually acceptable solution. There's a huge difference between control and boundaries and it's worthwhile to learn the difference.

That's assuming you wanted an authentic answer and aren't just upset about my opinion on the matter. :D Hope that helps!

[JesseP1nk]

"She is not controlling, however, if she lets you know that she is not going to stick around while you disrespect and humiliate her"

Same argument can be used by man when girl want to go to club with men. That girlfriend is disrespecting and humiliating her man

[TheRealPepperPotts]

@JesseP1nk I 100% agree. Spot on! :)

[Finchie40]

Yes that’s controlling , it’s one thing to set boundaries with your partner together for the relationship with each other , to be on the same page with things , but to demand them to do things against their will is controlling. The only time I might demand a girl to do something , is in the bedroom or during sex to spice things up , but other than that , she is her own person. Basically she can wear what she wants to wear , she can eat what she wants to eat , she can go wherever she wants to go etc. if she chooses to be disrespectful to our relationship, then she will suffer the consequences of her actions , the same way I would suffer if I choose to be disrespectful to our relationship. Love only grows when 2 people choose each other and value and respect each other , that follow boundaries and wear each others’ shoes before making decisions, Having respect for each other goes a long way

[OlderAndWiser]

It depends on how those rules are expressed.

"You can leave the house dressed like that but I will be embarrassed to be seen with you and, if you go out alone into social settings dressed like that, I will probably start suspecting that you want to be unfaithful." To me, this is not being controlling but just expressing the limits of my expectations for a partner's behavior. I am not trying to control what you do but only stating the limits of what I can tolerate and the likely consequence of crossing those limits.

"I absolutely forbid you to leave the house dressed like that." This is clearly controlling.

[Summeroflove]

This one really does depend if he’s trying to force someone to conform to those rules who doesn’t want to yes it is.

Is it wrong to know what you want and expresses that? No. Tell potential partners what you’re looking for if you’re not compatible you’re not compatible.

State your standards. What you’re looking for. And look for someone who feels the same way. But yeah trying to control someone is wrong.

[AviatorTom]

It's wrong, and actually pretty dumb, to try to control your partner by setting rules for them. That applies to either partner, male or female.

[coachTanthony]

If he has to do that then he’s got way more problems then he’s bargained for

[Miristheiss]

No.

It can but it isn't automatic.

A wise man should have standards and boundaries in committed relationships. She needs to accept them and live within them. If she doesn't agree to those boundaries then they should just go their separate ways as not being compatible.

If she's accepted them and then breaks them then he should just dump her and she shouldn't be surprised or upset because she knew the landscape going in.

The same goes for her having boundaries for the relationship. Ideally couple will talk up front so they don't waste time dating someone whose boundaries are too far off. People with similar boundaries and values should get together.

If a girl has all of this stuff she wants to do that clashes with what he expects in a partner (she's wanting to go out drinking and clubbing, dress revealing, wear thongs at the beach, post a bunch of sexy selfies on line, talk to other guys in her DMs, keep her phone secret, hang out with other guys)... if he's having to reel in the single lifestyle, wildness, immodesty then he shouldn't even waste his time and just move on.

If she's wanting to see and talk to her ex all the time. Just move on.

She isn't ready for a relationship. She just wants selfishness and to be single.

Give us some examples of "RULES" that he'd have that she still desires to do anyway?

[TheRealPepperPotts]

I agree with a lot of this. If someone is disrespecting our clear boundaries, it's time to move on. I suppose when I hear "rules", I think of my extremely conservative upbringing where I had very little say in my life (can't cut hair, must wear skirts, must do this, cannot read this or that, and on and on). That's undoubtedly controlling. But what you are bringing up is common sense. Just wanted to say that. :)

[PeachyPie93]

Well watching the video I agree with what Myron said but at the same time, why is a man picking a woman he needs to change? Shouldn't he be picking a woman who fits his standard instead of changing and controlling someone? But also he isn't forcing her to stay so.. it is what it is.. She can always leave if she don't like it..

[HawkPerception]

100% agree with you on that one. If you get with a partner, you should already know you're of the same beliefs. But I agree with Myron on this one for sure. But definitely not on all topics. Myron is pretty extreme with some of his views of women.

[PeachyPie93]

Yeah for sure some stuff he says is okay but stuff like guys cheating on their girls is fine if he has lots of money and most the other crap he says is just ridiculous. For the most part I don't like Fresh and Fit but in all redpill crap there are some good things.. though most of it is trash..

[HawkPerception]

I'm about half and half with it kinda like the Andrew Tate stuff. In the "whatever" podcast I agree with the guys most of the time, but they always choose the dumbest women to put on a show which isn't necessarily a good representation of the population.

[PeachyPie93]

Well yeah they usually choose OF hoes and other dumbass hoes.. So it's not hard to be right against people who live their lives like clowns.. I don't like redpill stuff especially spewed by guys who don't even follow their own rules.. but I don't believe woman should be hoes and that they should listen to their man if he is a good guy..

[HawkPerception]

Sounds like you're a good balance 👍🏼

[OneViewpoint]

ROFL, it depends. If she wants to do heroin or coke, yeah I have rules about that. If she runs up $50K in credit card debt without telling me, I have rules about that.

Other than major lapses in judgement like money and drugs just use your brain. Wanna have your own friends and hang out with them sometimes? Cool, I think that's healthy. Want to have an affair after 20 years of marriage? I get that. No need to tell me about it. Just don't bring home any STD's. And I'll feel free to do the same.

[HawkPerception]

Ya had me up until the affair after 20 years of marriage 😂

[incorrected]

Depends what the rules are.

If it's a rule like: Don't go out dressed like you're looking to get fucked in the club toilets on cocaine, it's a pretty good rule. Frankly though, if such a rule is required, move on to another woman lol.

If it's a rule like: You're not working and I'm supporting us both, I want you to keep the house clean and cook the tea. Also not a big deal, quite reasonable.

If it's a rule like: You don't get to see your family and friends now you're with me. Then he's a controlling dirtbag.

[Zack-Bann]

By definition yes.
Is it a bad thing? It depends on the rules themselves.


For example it’s reasonable to say “if you cheat we’re done”
But unreasonable to say “you can only wear loose jeans not skinny ones because no one other than me should be seeing the shape of your legs”


I think every relationship requires a certain layer of management that people ignore because they’re in love and want things to work on their own.


But healthy minds don’t shy away from setting boundaries and making sure their dealbreakers are listed out loud and accepted or challenged.


Our “no compromise” upbringing is the main reason modern generations are so often divorcing.
A lasting partnership does require adhering to a few rules of engagement and it shouldn’t be a bad thing when done right

[ProbablyClueless]

It's definitely not a great look, but it's not necessarily controlling.

One of the most important lessons you can learn in life is how to recognize that sometimes you don't actually know what's best for yourself. That, and know your limit.

You have got to know when to take a seat.

[TDDMS]

Looking at the amount of bad decisions women make on the daily, yes it's imperative for strong smart men to put limitations on women. Had men put limitations on women, women wouldn't have destroyed their bodies with tattoos, piercings, being over weight.

And look at the end result of all this, we now have a demographic of women in their 30s childless, catching no male attention, they cry on social media about no man wanting them.

[alice55]

Technically yes but it depend what he ask for too, if he ask his girlfriend not to talk to other men or go out with them I think it's normal. I don't think controlling is that bad unless in extreme case.

[genericname85]

depends on the rules. like i think it's totally fine to tell your partner: hey, if you wanna be my partner, you're not gonna dress like a skank in public. like everyone is free to do what they like. it's just setting boundries and she's completely free to disagree and leave. so i think that's completely fine.

[Yannae]

No it depends on what those rules are. One of our rules, if you have a problem, talk to me directly and let's talk it out to solve the issue. What's so bad about that?

[madgoat]

Relationships come with rules which are co developed and apply to both in their respective ways. You can call that what you will.

[Kelley1]

He is only telling her what behavior is acceptable to him. He cannot control her behavior. Either he can put up with her behavior or else he will file for divorce and pay through the nose.

[HawkPerception]

Who said they were married? Who said if they were, that he didn't make her sign a prenup?

[Kelley1]

What good is a prenup?

[Apple1996]

Yeah no one should be making rules for their partner. It's better just to trust their judgment on things. If they act a certain way that you don't like then don't be with them

[rosemilk]

someone who gives someone else rules and tells THEM what they can and cannot do as an independent adult is obviously a very controlling trait to have.

[Valdemort]

If your "rules," limit someone's autonomy- yes, you're controlling.

[dustybiker2]

It's controlling, manipulating, declaring lack of trust, degrading and unbalancing. They usually wonder why they were left behind.

[HungTexan]

Rules are for losers. I’d never do that. If there isn’t trust, mutual respect, and openness, then the relationship is crap.

[AaronKrieger]

No, unless if the rule (s) are extreme or if there are too many.

[Jackblue]

Yes, we can't grudge partners for complaining if their partner spends too much time out, but to tell them things like what that guy told her, he didn't want a girlfriend he wanted a slave girl.

[LiamJHayden]

Some rules or boundaries should be expected, such as "no f-ing others." If considered controlling by the partner, dump that partner and move on.

[RavVid]

Rules like she can't go on dates?

There always going to be rules.

[msc545]

Maybe. If my rule is you cannot drive my car because I don't like how you drive, that is not controlling and it is my right.

[blackeagle007]

Why would I make rules? They are meant to be broken

[danielle872024]

No there are certain reasons for that

[DishLady]

Yup.

[lilBigPotato]

If it goes past common sense stuff yes

[MoonFace2]

Yes and toxic.

[Jennz6]

Sure, but I am used to it

[GlowUpGirly5]

Hawk lol 😆 that's controlling

[Jupiter1]

Duh! Definitely controlling!

[KarimScreamy]

Yes he is too controlling.