Is it unreasonable for people to desire others outside of their marriage and still be completely loyal? Is this more common in men, women, or neither?

[Anonymous]

[Summeroflove]

It happens to both sexes especially when people have been married for a long period of time. It depends on someone’s integrity and what someone’s willing to entertain. A fantasy turns into acting on it if and when the opportunity arises. It many times starts out as emotional cheating until it’s F it…. We come this far. Or just outright impulsive cheating.

[jennifer_bloom]

A marriage is about chronically saturated companionship and mutual emotional investment and love. Happiness is a product of your existence, not the fixtures of your marital partner, because its not realistic or fair to expect 24 hour entertainment from them the way you would expect from a billion dollar movie creation budget with tens of thousands of employees creating it for 90 minutes of targeted sensory pleasure.

[NoDecision]

How is that being loyal? Loyal is keeping your marriage vows to forsake all others. There can never be more than two people in a marriage, and certainly no threesomes. If you want to taste other fruits then get divorced first. Don't make a sham of what you vowed to before God to do.

Damn, I want to go play ball, not marriage.

[Friendlybro79]

@NoDecision just curious because I understand what forsaking all others means which is to put your spouse first but not abandoning everyone else like friends or family. I think you answered the question properly based on your beliefs and how the question was asked.

Just curious if a wife or a husband noticed an attractive person and says in their head wow they're good looking or they're hot, but never acts on it or dwells on that person, is this not being loyal too? Just curious

[NoDecision]

@Friendlybro79 If your mind wants to know how hot she is or how she would be in bed, then that is not being loyal in my book. That would be lust. As it is said, If you look upon a woman with lust, then you have already committed adultery with her in your heart.

[Friendlybro79]

Hmm. Thanks for the dialog. After studying this for a bit, I think there is an important distinction between temptation and sin. A fleeting thought or attraction isn't necessarily sinful but it could become sinful when someone dwells on it, or indulges in it.

Christianity generally encourages self discipline and purity of mind, emphasizing that thoughts shape actions. But it also teaches grace and forgiveness, recognizing human weakness and the ongoing need for spiritual growth.

My thought is split second reactionary moments are human instinct. How we react to the thoughts and how long they dwell matter for Christianity. If you believe it's that black and white as you describe, you might need to know this is not possible for any human to say once I'm married I'll never think of anyone else again. I think a great spouse that takes their vows seriously still has seconds of thoughts at times and there's no way for a person to rid them of having an uncontrollable thought because that's what it is. Uncontrollable to see someone and not find them attractive for one second. It doesn't mean you care to interact or do anything about it. Now if it's like every day hours a day fantasizing about others, then under Christianity that's enough to be considered adultery.
I'm familiar with Matthew 5:27-28 but I think you're talking it to an extreme and not providing grace for the weakness that all humans have.

If you disagree, that's ok of course but, I would have this discussion with a priest, or deacon, minister etc or whoever preaches at your church to discuss this so you can be fair to a spouse and provide a good person grace for being human when it's not the over the top example of lustful thought the verse is referring to.

[NoDecision]

@Friendlybro79 You are right that a fleeting glance, maybe thinking how pretty she is, is not a sin. Maybe I didn't make the proper distinction. But if you perve on her and wonder how good of a blowjob she could give, or what she looked like naked, well, then that would be a bit more than a glance, wouldn't it? But you are also right that sometimes you might slip up at times. We all think of things that we shouldn't, be it anger, hate, or lust. Lust can also be for money. You just have to know the difference between a fleeting thought and dwelling on something.

[Friendlybro79]

Thanks for the conversation.

[NoDecision]

@Friendlybro79 Your comments are always welcome. Sometimes others see what I am blind to. 😉

[Shiprex]

Most folk fibd others desirable outside of their relationship. But how they behave with that sentiment is how they treat the relationship.

Loyaöty would openly acknowledge this but not act on it. If loyalty is of no value and you treat intimacy as a shared hobby only and not a cornerstone of the relationship (?) then you're on your own and dgaf so would do whatever your ego tells you to do.

[CrazyKittyCatLady]

Well desire leads to temptation and more likely to lead to cheating.

If you feel feelings for multiple people outside your marriage there is two things you are either not having your needs met.

Though we living in a society where polyamory is not really seen as socially acceptable. some people might be more happy in that arrangement than monogamy but its too late into the relationship etc.

[berrytired]

Thoughts lead to actions more often than not I've found. They matter. The idea of someone needing "willpower" to be loyal weirds me out. Things like that don't require effort from me.

Who knows, if I was socialized in a world where women were encouraged to have insatiable lust, maybe I'd have that too. I doubt it, but don't deny the possibility.

There's nothing natural or masculine about being porn addicted.

[Nikki1989]

It is not unreasonable, but there still have to be some rules in place. I have a girlfriend, but she is also close friends with my husband. Without that friendship, it would never work.

[Hobobobo]

Something being unreasonable is usually more dependent on reasoning skills than the situation itself.

It's quite common in both men and women. I don't know if it's more common in one or the other.

[just_a_potato]

I honestly think that's human nature. As long as you don't carry out simple attraction and end up cheating on the person you're so loyal to, I don't see an issue with fantasizing.

[NoDecision]

@just_a_potato The problem is, a lot of times fantasy can turn into reality. Wasn't it Caligula who fantasized about having sex with his sister, and then did and had her killed afterwards? Or King David who wanted Jezabel, so had her husband killed after he got her pregnant so he could marry her? A lot of rapes occur from fantasies gone rogue.

[molonski2]

You will always continuously lust after and desire others be you married or otherwise , marriage does not remove sexual desire , its a fact of life.

[NoDecision]

@molonski2 In the real world that is most likely true. I guess the marriage vows need to be changed to meet today's world views. "To forsake all others"- if you aren't having an affair, "to have and to hold" - two girls at a time., "in sickness and health" - if they are sick then dump them at the hospital and go to the bar for a one-night stand. "For richer or poorer" - You make sure you get everything if you divorce. 😯😵🥴🤪

[molonski2]

@NoDecision
Sad maybe , but absolutely true. I have seen it all very much firsthand , with men and women.

[EzraIsShy76028]

Well fantasy is one thing, reality is another. If you desire but don't act on it then I don't really see an issue. It's about what you actually DO, not what you think.

[NoDecision]

@EzraIsShy76028 That may be true in some instances as situations can intertwine. Just because you don't act on your desire to kill someone doesn't make your intent legal. It just means you chickened out.

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[NoDecision]

Stop trolling/spamming, there is no such site.

[shortster]

It is not uncommon to find others desirable, the question is what do you do with these desires? Do you avoid temptation, flirt with it, or go up and embrace it? The best way to be loyal is to avoid it.

[fuertaco]

I have a couple attractive friends from college that were in the same sorority as my girlfriend. I didn't find out about this until this year. Otherwise, our friendship would not be.

[GAGsucksballs89170]

ne-yo, has 4 wives. not legally, but, he basically calls them his wives. so, it's not impossible, but, it's not common

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's right. People need to have restraint and loyalty to their partner. If someone wants a open relationship this needs to be discussed on a first or second date.

[Anonymous]

Desire had no limits

Of course the desire outside marriage