Why do most men suck at giving comfort/consol?

Question

All my ex bfs & including my current boyfriend. No matter how serious the topic is i find they are cold, unresponsive, no sympathy or empathy. I also don’t feel like they do it with ill intentions its just how they are. I will give examples. I am very sensitive and obviously I don’t expect comforting for every little problem but i expect it for bigger issues. My father was diagnosed with cancer & i found zero comfort from my boyfriend. I was also attacked my a man and he sexually abused me i told my boyfriend expecting some comfort & he gave me none in fact he kind of tried to accuse me of cheating when it wasn’t consensual & he kind of took that back but gave me none in fact comfort still.

MrOracle · Accepted Answer

It goes back to the way you choose men. Clearly you didn't choose your boyfriend based on his morals, values, and life goals. Vetting his morals and values would have revealed that providing emotional comfort wasn't a priority for him.

I obviously don't know what things about him that you found attractive, but many women choose men because they are handsome, tall, financially successful, have social status, or are "exciting" (in other words, chaotic and often dangerous). Unfortunately, many of those traits do not correlate with emotionally sensitive men who are good at giving emotional comfort.

There are no men who will be able to offer everything you want. You have to make choices, which also means you have to make compromises and sacrifices. If something is important to you, you have to prioritize it, and that means you will almost certainly have to give up other things to get it.

There are plenty of emotionally mature and emotionally available men out there looking for a woman, but they probably aren't as exciting, especially at first glance. Maybe he's short, or maybe not so handsome, or maybe he's got a blue collar job. Whatever.

The important thing is that YOU have to vet any man you are considering being in a relationship with, so that you know what you are getting BEFORE you commit. And you need to expect that out of 15 things you want,, you will probably only get 4 or 5 of them in any one guy, so you have to figure out what REALLY matters to you and then you have to vet accordingly.

To use a metaphor, if you had $5000 to buy a used car (that's definitely not enough to but a new car, so you are forced to prioritize your needs), you have a couple of obvious choices. You could prioritize reliability, so maybe you pick a car with lower miles from a reputable brand, but maybe it's got bad paint or was in a minor accident. It won't be the prettiest car, but it will be reliable and inexpensive transportation. Or you could focus on looks/condition, so you buy a car with good paint and body, but you soon discover that it needs a ton of expensive maintenance and repairs, and continues to be unreliable and expensive - but you look great driving it whenever it isn't in the shop.

That's what it means to make your priorities and live with the outcome of the decisions you made as a result of those priorities. As a woman, society (especially social media) and your friends will tell you that you deserve everything and that you should never have to sacrifice anything - but that's not reality for anyone and never has been. And the people giving that advice are never in successful relationships themselves, so why should anyone listen to them anyway?

Your own experience has shown that you can't have it all. You have to prioritize what's important to you and let the less important stuff go. Everyone who is in a successful relationship has done exactly that. Everyone else is either alone or miserable, even if they tell you otherwise.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Your current boyfriend sounds like a douche but the most common answer for a lot of guys is actually simpler and sadder. A lot of guys have gone through life without anyone comforting them at all so how are they supposed to show a behavior they never learned or were taught. Part of why so many men think woman being nice are hitting on them is because men get so little attention affection love and compassion that they asume the only reason you would even treat them well was if you were interested because being treated with kindness by woman is foreign to most men. They aren't used to woman just being nice to them in fact in my case it's been the inverse I've been used and abused a lot by woman including ones I was just trying to help even when I wasn't romantically interested and was just trying to be supportive to an old friend and try and get the friendship back. Guys aren't used to receiving comfort we just shoulder it over and over. I've had back pain for twenty years because nobody will give me a shoulder or backrub. I swear sometimes it feels like the muscles in there are going to snap. Your current guy sounds like a dick but assuming the others were nicer to you but still sucked at giving comfort that's probably why. How are we supposed to show something we've never received or been taught?

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

My man is the same. I just curl up in his lap as he holds me with his big strong arms and all the hurt and problems of the world disappear. Men think in terms of fixing problems rather than comforting words. When my father died my car broke down, rather than saying comforting words he fixed it. Didn't really appreciate it until after the funeral when I had to go back to work and I had a car to drive.

WhitneySnow · Accepted Answer

That’s terrible! But I haven’t found that. My friends and my boyfriend aren’t quite as good at empathy as girls are, but they try, and the trying is enough for me.

ohsheeT · Answer

Because most men. Don't know anything except for trying to project themselves as an alpha dickwad

And even if they knew how to do it, they would be afraid that it was shown them as

being weaker than they truly are.

And they would mess it up anyway. You're better off finding a puppy or a dog. They would sense it from you.
Before they even got to you.
And then they would just want you to hold them. They would push their body up against you. They would lick your faced in their own way. They would tell you how sorry they felt and they love you.

Or in that moment with the guy he would tell you. You could do 5 sit-ups and 5 Push ups' and make all about him.

Finchie40 · Answer

Probably because most masculine men barely received any comfort and affection growing up , where females’ tend to receive it a lot more growing up. Men were raised to be leaders and protectors and providers , most of us didn’t get pampered like females’ did growing up. Most of us were raised to be strong and dominate by our fathers’ and taught not to take shit from no one , if she shed a tear we were considered wimps or pansies , we were ridiculed for being weak. So it mainly stems down from childhood

Hellraiser1984 · Answer

Why do women dump guys who show emotions? Even if a guy's mom dies he's supposed to suck it up and move on. Or drink himself to death about it. You say you want a sensitive guy but when he is you dump him and move on. Plus it's ok for a woman to have all kinds of issues but if a guy has any you leave? Also why can't any of you do any housework or cooking anymore? You either make the guy do it all or be really lazy and hire someone else to do it. Why do men really need you besides sex? You either want some dream life with some handsome rich guy while you weigh 200 lbs and work at Walmart. You really believe that's going to happen? Or you want the scummy ex convict type who has no job or goals and life and is usually in and out of jail most of the year. You want too much and give too little. There's lots of good guys out there but you ignore them because of your fantasy expectations that your mom put into to you.

Fireguy17 · Answer

a lot of us, esp. us older males were not raised that way to show compassion etc.
When I got hurt, my dad would tell me nice shot, don't tell your mother.
But based on how he was raised I can see that.
Over the years I have developed a lot of empathy towards our patients, I'm not sure where it came from, possible I picked that up along the years, I don't have a clue. I know it's sincere, unless it is a drunk that got me up at 3am after a bar fight or got into an accident and injured someone.
The I still do my job to the best of my ability, and just keep my mouth shut. There are things you want to say but shouldn't say.

FunkyMonkee · Answer

Then WHY do you keep turning to us for it? How many times have you seen a movie or t. v. show where something terrible happens in front of several people and at least one woman in the crowd turns to another woman, instead of a man, for safety and comfort? IT DOESN'T HAPPEN!! Even if she doesn't like the guy, she'll still try to get it from HIM rather another woman, even if the woman was standing closer to her!!

conanbdetective · Answer

It's not a matter of good or not good. When someone is truly grieving or in despair, we process it differently. We are often driven towards action. Whether that's distraction or prevention, that's what we usually do. We can be there for you by being present but emotions are already tricky for us in general. Want a hug? Food? We got that. But you want something like "Babe, it's all gonna be okay"? It's a little hard for us.

Makeushiver · Answer

It's been said that men aren't very good at simply listening. When they hear about a problem their immediate urge is to fix- or at least suggest fixes to a situation. Women - an often men to- frequently want someone to simply listen without needing to fix whatever the problem is even at times when it may be fixable there are times when we need to ventilate and would like someone to simply listen

genericname85 · Answer

cause most women suck at communicating how they wanna be comforted/consoled. they do litterally everything except just telling. youn know the one thing that works. they'll signal, they'll hint. but they never say straight up what they want. so they leave them to guess and then they complain that they're getting it wrong. it's almost like they hate getting what they want.

In_Trance · Answer

What is he possibly going to say in that moment to comfort you?
To make anything okay or even slightly better?

If you're thinking you don't need someone to make it better you just want them to listen it seems that that's exactly what guys did for you... But you perceive that is not enough.

Kathy91_ · Answer

Perhaps they don’t know how to use words. Some are about action and eating for you. Some men, when they do show their emotions, look less than others or aren’t “men enough,” even to those who want their men to show their emotions. Hell, I hear my mom tell that to my brother.

glennos89 · Answer

It easy to blame every guy you dated. Perhaps your choices aren't the best ones when it comes to finding a partner. Woman tend to be attracted to the guys that aren't usually the best choice while they have friendzoned all the good guys

aceleon · Answer

Evolution, higher emphaty means lesser success at survival, why do you think most CEOs ör things like that are psycopaths?

Jersey2 · Answer

Because generally speaking, we receive none. It’s a rarity. That doesn’t mean we withhold as a form of revenge. It simply means that we don’t have that habit as it also is not visited on us… like at all.

Valdemort · Answer

a lot don't even know how to comfort themselves. not an excuse, just a sad reality.

ProbablyClueless · Answer

If you live in America, a lot of that is cultural. Men tend to have our emotions weaponized against us, so the only way most of us learn to deal emotions is by keeping them to ourselves.

NicholasRedone · Answer

A lot of men, almost all, smell bad, only care about themselves, and always look deadpan 😐 😐 😐

Gaylordslav · Answer

men aren't gay, and the ones that show sensitivity aren't real men in the eyes of women therefore you're not attracted to them. Girls want their boyfriends to act like one of her gfs

DrPepper12 · Answer

You need to find better guys. Hope Dad is ok

LiamJHayden · Answer

Many if not most men are brought up to be stoic and not show emotion. After a couple of decades of having that drilled in, it can be difficult to show empathy externally even if he has it.

Jamie05rhs · Answer

Because we are much better with actions than words.

Shy_Steve · Answer

There are heaps of Guys who are great at consoling. The problem is most of you Girls don't find Guys like that attractive at first so you end up with a Guy like the Guy your dating.

Anonymous · Answer

Women get mad at me because I'll suggest ways to fix the problem when they just want to vent. I'm working on it. But one thing I won't do is pretend like you aren't the one creating the problem when you're at fault.

Sluttt · Answer

Maybe you should date justin bieber saying what do you mean?

alice55 · Answer

I suck at it too and I'm a girl xD

MrChinaski · Answer

We don't care.

ManWithNoseAndFeet · Answer

immaturity thats life find a new one if u can

he-takes-a-part · Answer

Come to me

Why do most men suck at giving comfort/consol?

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Why do most men suck at giving comfort/consol?

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