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I have two friends: both are 40, have chosen the single life for years. One is a guy, he was friends with a girl in her early 30’s for a year and dated her casually for a year before he finally decided she was the one and asked her to be his girlfriend. After one year of seriously dating, he proposed marriage at Christmas. They married two months later. He’s a guy, we’ll call him Ryan. Him taking his time is fine.
The other friend is a woman (we’ll call her Tara), she’s been “seeing” a guy (also 40) for at least 9 months. They haven’t labeled it yet, every time I ask her when she’s labeling the relationship she always says “we’re taking our time with it, keeping it casual and just being friends first”. I love Tara, but she’s out of her freakin mind. I demanded my boyfriend to define the relationship after 5 months. Tara does want this guy, but she just lives in her own little shell and won’t demand what she wants. She just sits back lets things happen and says she wants him to define it in his own time (I told her drop his ass if he doesn’t define it at the end of this month).
It’s fine that Ryan took his time. He’s a guy and it’s more socially accepted for him to put off relationships and marriage. For women I don’t understand it though. I feel like when we go that route, we get used, we get our time wasted and we get hurt. I think Tara is making a huge mistake, but my boyfriend says she’s not. What if she defines the relationship and then decides she doesn’t like him after all (that’s his logic). Maybe because I’m also dying to matchmake her and there’s a friend of my bf’s who I want her to meet (because he’s dying to date her and I think they’re perfect for each other).
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1Opinion
I can’t understand the dating scene at all. I guess I’ve been married too long. However, if I were dating, I would want to date exclusively while “seeing where it goes”. I wouldn’t need a definition other than being interested enough not to look for other possibilities. Marriage is “where it goes” from there.
I don't know, I always define and label my relationships so I don’t understand. If he’s not asking me to be his girlfriend or updating his Facebook status to “in a relationship”, then he’s basically keeping me in a situationship. I’m too good for that, so is my friend and I’m trying to make her understand that. She’s been exclusively dating only this guy for nine months now and I think she’s wasting her time with him.
It sounds like they have both become complacent, at best. I agree with you, she is probably wasting valuable time with mediocre. She needs to set some standards.
Exactly! “Take your time and get to know the guy first” is OUTDATED ADVICE. Granted I do move relationships at lightning speed, but I don’t think she gets that if a relationship doesn’t move fast these days, it doesn’t happen at all.
I mean, my other friend (the guy), took his time and moved slow, but it’s ok for him to do that. He’s a guy and at our age guys can always date younger. Unfortunately as women we lose leverage in the dating world as we age so we don’t have the same time on our side. Unfair, yes but it’s the truth.
Tomorrow is never guaranteed. You and I value deeper connections, but maybe your friend is happy with a companion?
No she says she wants to what me and my boyfriend have but wanted him to make that move. That’s not how relationships work. I know the guys said my boyfriend is whipped, and yeah he is. But we have to have them whipped to get a deeper connection. She goes by the 1950’s method of doing things, which is outdated as fuck.
But I also kind of did a necessary intervention and meddled today (which I do a lot of when my friends lose it over subpar guys). I took her phone out of her hand and texted him pretending to be her, and I demanded a deeper connection from him for her, and told him she has another much older man who wants to date her (which she does, he’s a friend of my boyfriend). He basically said “well I thought that was where we were headed, but the fact you’re demanding this from me instead of letting it progress naturally tells me you’re just like every other woman I dated. That should have been my decision. Go ahead and date the other guy. I hope you’re happy”.
She tried to explain it wasn’t her, but he blocked her number, so now she’s mad at me and she was crying a lot. I feel bad she’s angry at me, and I feel bad that she’s hurting, but at the same time she doesn’t have that fuck stick wasting her time anymore. Also I was able (somehow) to talk her into going on a date with the other guy this weekend. She’ll thank me for this later
“Take your time” is wise advice WHEN YOU’RE YOUNG!!! At 40, you don’t have time to take (like I said, at 40 “taking” your time is synonymous with “wasting” your time).
Define? Just , be sure of what you want. If your goal is to be married, then set a deadline when you starting a someone new -- either we're planning a wedding in 12/18/24 months, or it's over.
I want to get married! I told my boyfriend upfront when we started dating “if we don’t define the relationship in six months, I’m dumping you”. When we made our relationship official, I told him “If you don’t propose within a year, I’m done with you”. He’s told me he already started making payments on a ring so I know I got what I wanted.
I’m asking about a friend though. She met a guy last summer, they went out several times, they’ve kissed, she gushes about her feelings all the time (I don’t know if they’ve had sex, she doesn’t dish), but whenever I ask her if they’ve made it official it’s always “we both want it to go that way, but we’re taking our time. I don’t want to rush it and neither does he”. They met NINE MONTHS AGO!!! To me that’s not “taking” your time, it’s “wasting” your time.
Damn your boyfriend is definitely whipped if he is listening to your demands like that lol, On the other hand your girlfriend can only make her own decisions man’s
Choices , you as a friend cannot force her to do whatever she does t want to do, so you are best to back off and let her figure things out on her own. I know you like controlling your partner but you can’t
Control a friend period
The only official thing about a relationship is a marriage license, or maybe cosigning a lease.