How to help someone become more emotionally intelligent?

Question

i'll try to keep this short since no one wants a whole essay. but i've been talking to this guy for almost four months, and i really do like him. we call multiple times a day for hours at a time. he's funny, witty, strong, thoughtful, and attractive. the problem is he has little to no human empathy. when i'd first met him, about two weeks in he said he wanted to stay just friends. so i went on a date with another dude a few weeks later. the date went awful and eventually, me and the original guy started talking again but he won't let go of the fact that i went on a date with someone else, saying i "betrayed him". it's so ridiculous. i explained that i went on a date with him because i was trying to move on after being friendzoned. i explained i never stopped liking him and that was the ultimate reason why i haven't pursued anything with anyone since then. he went on this tangent about how i do things out of emotion instead of "logic and reasoning"

the reason i say he has no empathy too, is that he went on this tangent about how if he calls someone fat, it's not mean because it's a true statement and it's not his fault if someone takes it negatively. i told him you can't just live your life acting like people aren't allowed to have valid emotional responses based on how you treat them. it's so hypocritical because if he followed his own logic, he shouldn't be upset about the date i went on.

tldr; dude is mad i went on a date after friendzoning me, what can i say to make him see my side of things

i know everyone's going to say i should leave him, but i just can't. i don't know why i still like him so much, but i do. i need some advice that doesn't imply getting rid of him, if possible

OneViewpoint · Answer

He has the brain of a child. I'm betting he's a Conservative. Probably religious. And loves to put other people down to feel superior. These personalities love simple yes/no black/white answers. They are not great thinkers.

Unfortunately, the only way these people learn anything is by experiencing the pain personally. If it's not happening to them and it's not happening now, it doesn't exist in their reality. You're gonna have to teach him by example to make him fully understand. Make him feel pain, humiliation, disrespect, etc. The catch is that these personalities are also extremely defensive. They can dish out the nastiness but they howl like butthurt monkeys when it happens to them.

A good place to start, and you already have, is the other guy you dated because captain empathetic walked away. Ask him exactly why he simultaneously wanted to give you zero commitment but expected you to remain exclusive with him. Just say it. Ask him if he's fucking stupid!

Aside from that find his insecurities and exploit them. Receding hairline, short height, bad teeth, glasses, no sense of style, lack of common sense, etc. I'm talking brutal insult and disrespect. When he starts the anger and butthurt howling, and he will, stop and ask him how that felt. Then ask him how he thinks other people feel when he spouts off about their weight, their job, whatever.

Kaneki05 · Answer

The irony here is grand, he say's you do things out emotion than logic and reasoning... you going on a date with someone else was purely logical.
Would've be emotional and illogical to keep at him if he stated clearly to be friends. That whole him feeling betrayed is emotional... and envy yet he claims to be of reason and logic my brain hurts.
This guy think he's smart when he's not.
And well you already know the answer because you are smarter, he's not going to change his mind sadly and you can't really do anything about it. Either he'll grow up one day or remain a fool forever but you just waiting around to see which is pointless.

by the way if you just agree with him, and go down that route he'll forever be in control which I'm sure you already understand and why you haven't.
It's good you stand up for yourself.
Anyway sorry there is no alternative answer here.

Calyptomaniac · Answer

You're unlikely to change that in him. It would probably be more productive to explain it to him logically. If he said he wanted to be just friends, it made more sense for you to respect his decision and find another man to date since he doesn't want to, and that it is not logical or reasonable of him to say he only wants to be friends, but act like this if he meant it.

bowenw · Answer

If you want to give him another chance, I suggest you tell him he needs to learn how to take people's feelings into account before speaking. Also, he needs to accept the fact that he was the one that originally wanted to be friends, so he needs to learn to take responsibility for his own actions rather than trying to blame others.

FrodoSkywalker007 · Answer

Do you think you can manage the lack of empathy? That is very difficult to change.

spartan55 · Answer

Have you even met him in person? Or is it an online fantasy land type thing? You aren't going to change his mind. You must be desperate because he sounds like a big league dick head.

Anonymous · Answer

Why do u like him

Danny_dan92 · Answer

Talk to them

In_Trance · Answer

You can't

How to help someone become more emotionally intelligent?

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