I remember the moment that I declared that I'd never have children. I had given it some solid eight-year old thought, standing in the kitchen while my mom was baking cookies, and I simply announced it. “I’m never having kids!” The reaction? My mom became upset. She told me that I would one day, and not to talk "like that".
I felt bad that I had said something that disappointed my mom. It was as though in my eight year-old brain that I figured I was saying something to prove I had independent thought, but apparently it wasn’t the right thought to have. It would have been better-received had I said, “One day I want a daughter who has dark hair like you, Mom.” But making a declaration to not have kids wasn’t just upsetting, it was unthinkable – especially to my mom or her generation.
Being childfree (and note, I always say “childfree” instead of “childless”) is something that many know in their heart is what they want to be at an early age, yet we are closeted to admit this. In one book I’ve read about the childfree, it’s likened to a closeted gay. We know what we are, but if we tell people there is likely going to be anger or backlash of some kind. That we can be talked out of it, or we will grow out of it. No one considers that this is just how we naturally are wired and make no apology for it.
What I’ve been through since being that forward-thinking eight year-old has been hard, tolerating the predictable recoil from everyone who believes it is only natural that a girl think her future involves a spouse/partner and children. As a teen, I learned to just play along, while my girl-friends would plan their future kids’ names with their boyfriends in the ninth grade, or imagine a husband who would give them beautiful babies. But the idea was lost on me. I had nothing in common with this.
Making it clear I didn’t want children in my twenties was always an issue…for others. “Just wait, when you meet the right guy you’ll change your mind.” Or, “You’re young. You have time.” As if it was something hard to do, such as quitting smoking, not realizing that the dangers that lie ahead can be avoided if action is taken now.
Then came my thirties, and after meeting “the right man” I still knew in my heart of hearts that having children was not in the cards because I simply didn’t want children in the cards at all. I was then told, “It’s okay. You still have a bit time. But you two should hurry up.” The fear-mongers really pushing the youth out of me to believe that my silly notion to be childfree did indeed have an expiration date. (Duh.) But then I encountered The Terrified, who pulled out the big guns with comments like, “Who’s going to look after you when you’re old?!” And then The Bitter would tell me, “You’re just being selfish.”
Now, entering my forties, it's still not over. I have people who are just dismissing the increase of our child's chances at Downs' Syndrome, the difficulties of pregancy as I age, and the fact my husband is an older man and has no plans to be almost 70 years-old at our child's graduation ceremony, who still believe that even now, we have "time".
Well, I have news for everyone who thinks that it’s just my duty as a woman, or those who can’t fathom me and others to not reproduce even just once for whatever the reasons from “carrying on my/our genes” to “having security when I’m old”. Being childfree by choice is the new-age mature decision to make in a world with over seven billion people living together. We’re in no shortage of humans.
If you know you’re childfree by choice, you have many things to enjoy. You already can think of limitless freedoms. It’s the guilt that others put on you to believe that you should be having kids that leave you questioning whether or not to continue these freedoms.
Auntie Ozanne’s Guide to Reassuring Your Childfree By Choice Decision
1. There is no guaranteed security in old age from kids. Sorry to point it out, but how many elderly people are lying in hospital beds, one-bedroom apartments, and care homes who have children, yet have no one to visit them much less care for them? They are the ones who only get looked after once they die when the children look for scraps to take home or whatever might be in their parents’ will/s. We all can form relationships with people young and old and create our own families. I have nieces and nephews I enjoy the same as a parent would who may or may not visit me in old age. People can make friends with younger people, and establish companionship from just about anyone. Having kids does not mean you have an automatic caregiver. It is more hurtful to learn that one’s kids are not there for you in the end when you expected them to be. We all find a way to survive, and somehow, someway someone will be there for us in old age.
2. Being childfree is NOT a selfish decision. You are in fact, considering the frightening population problem. You are considering the money you may not have to invest in a child. You are thinking of the time and comfort of others who might be in a position to help raise or babysit, and those who live close to you who may be affected by child-activity such as unwanted noise and mess. You are considering not just for yourself but others – how much more unselfish can a person be? It’s actually the other way around: I can’t think of one unselfish decision there is when having children. People everywhere are having them just to solidify a relationship or marriage, wishing to see how their child might resemble them or their partner, or using them as a safety net for their perceivable needs in old age. If nothing else, taxing our resources and planet with more people than we need.
3. Your freedom trumps all societal pressures and guilt. Never forget that the things that make it easier for you in life will continue as those who choose to have children give up and expect you to do the same. Just because a friend says, “You should have a child so our kids can play together,” simply means, “I wish you’d have kids so I can go back to some adult-time with you.” It was their choice to be a parent, not yours. Their freedoms are gone, their time and attention is gobbled up in child-activities while you remain neutral. You were smart enough to use birth-control, and informed enough to know that being childfree was best for you and your unborn children. You can live anywhere, travel anywhere, watch whatever you want on TV, socialize, and have every comfort knowing that you can pick up and do whatever it is you like without worrying about a child in the house. Those who pressure you expect that your life be turned upside down – just as theirs might be, as this is what people just “do”. Wrong. People are making it clear these days that being childfree is necessary for many reasons, and are to be respected for their choice.
So what can you do when someone becomes nosey and says inappropriate things about your choice to be childfree?
What to Say or Think if Ill-mannered Questions or Comments are Made
(I tend to be a bit sarcastic and some of these are favourites from sources online, or books I’ve read, or my own that have flung out of my mouth at times.)
- Q: “Why don’t you have kids?”
- A: “Why did you choose to have them?”
- A: “Because I love the taste of sperm.”
- Q: “You’re young, you have time.”
- A: “That’s true, just as you’ll have time to adjust to my decision to be childfree.”
- Q: “Who’s going to look after you when you’re old?”
- A: “Probably your kids since statistics show many parents don’t have their own kids looking after them in old age. So… thanks!”
- Q: “You should have kids.” (Said by a parent with more than one child)
- A: “No thanks, you had all my kids for me.”
- Q: “When you meet the right person, you’ll change your mind.”
- A: “No. That’s why I’m waiting to meet the right person who is also childfree by choice who won't be imposing on my decision as we'll have the same goal.”
- Q: “When are you going to have kids?”
- A: “When the house is paid off.”
- A: “How soon do you need to know?”
- A: “When you agree that you’ll be over every day to change diapers.”
- Q: “You better hurry up, your time is running out.”
- A: “My choice and my “clock” is personal, and not up for discussion.”
Speaking on behalf of the Childfree by Choice:
These questions and comments are very rude and intrusive, and people forget that it's not the social norm anymore and to just expect an easy answer. If you have children, plan to, or are not thinking properly to know when to keep your comments and personal questions to yourself about the subject, just know that none of these questions are appreciated by most Childfree. You just may not like the answer given to you, and your "help" with trying to resolve our seemingly ill-decision is futile. We don't need your permission to be childfree and don't seek help on how to change our views (nor seek help on alternate options such as adoption or child-fostering). If we do not bring up the fact we are not having children, it should be a clue that you shouldn't bring up why we should.
Awesome Books to Read about Being Childfree
I Can Barely Take Care of Myself
Why Don't You Have Kids? (my personal favourite!)
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