As teenagers, there comes a time when we all hit a wall and come to terms realizing that things are changing. The bashful teenage years have arrived. Some girls deal with this from ages ten all the way to college entrance, others merely avoid this by being an introverted socially anxious person in general.
I've fallen somewhere in the middle of that. I thrive in private situations, but I usually feel comfortable in a group of people I know well. I get socially anxious, I've declined countless birthday party invited and sleepover plans since I was as young as five years old for that reason. Ashamed is not a word in my book, I don't think that I'll ever be the social butterflies my friends are.
For this reason, my parents have strict rules and schedules in our household. I completely understand why they want me on a schedule and routine- to prevent any mental hiccups and to hold off on any uncomfortable situations. There's certain times when I feel very socially confident, for example in certain classes at school or in the local community wind ensemble I play in. There's other times when I get sick to my stomach and my head starts pounding. These times are hard for me to control, the anxiety comes on partially unwanted and partially accepted because as much as I tell myself I'm fine, by body knows I'm still nervous.
Recently, I've been stretching out my therapy sessions and getting more involved socially and in the community. I've joined three clubs at school and suddenly began making new friends and boys have started noticing me. I can honestly say I haven't been nervous this year, there's been no going home "sick" or taking medicine for a "headache". I can finally eat breakfast without choking down the food from nervousness in the mornings. I don't obsess over grades in school. I finally played a solo in the concert last year. I've felt so free this last six months. I've made progress. I feel NORMAL.
With this, many new responsibilities have snuck their way into my life. I've said I feel free but I also feel constricted into these routines and schedules that are supposed to keep my life in check. If life's about taking chances and being spontaneous, how does a morning routine help me? How does the same classes all year help me think outside the box?
My parents feel that this "mood" I've been in won't last. They feel that I will go right back to my usual nervous self within a matter of days. They've got me on even higher lockdown than before. Here's a few highlights of my daily life.
1. Laundry- Laundry is now my responsibility. My mom will no longer do mine for me.
2. Dinner- "If you don't help make dinner, you can't eat it." That's the new thing in our house. We all have to help.
3. Chores- There's now a chore list and chart with no allowance. I've been doing dozens of chores for weeks now and I've yet to get a "thank you" or small allowance. All I get is yelled at for not doing this stuff faster.
These are just some of my newfound responsibilities.
I understand that all of these things will prepare me for life, but I can guarantee each and everyone of you reading this that my friends don't do their laundry or cook dinner. They go on their phones 23 hours of the day and watch Netflix all night.
Speaking of phones, I don't have one. I am officially the last one in my class to have no phone. It's hard, my classes are becoming technology based and it's embarrassing to be known as the teacher's kid who is treated like a kindergartener. I communicate using gmail and hangouts on the computer.
There's this party going on Thursday night that I would've known about if I had a phone and was in the group chat but no, I'm not allowed to have a phone because my mom's my ELA teacher and every time someone gets in trouble with their phone, I always get a lecture on internet safety. It's just another week added onto the wait list for the phone.
They say when I get a phone, there's going to be so many restrictions on it. They're also checking my messages nonstop and will monitor my apps. I think I deserve some privacy. There's text messages I don't want them seeing. I've been with my boyfriend for almost six months now, and yes, I'm thirteen. I understand it's young but we've been fond of each other for a long time. I don't want my parents reading my messages. It's like that cringey moment when you see your parents kiss or something. It's just uncomfortable.
I also have a few accounts like Google+ where I obsess over cars and music with some online friends. My parents somewhat know that I have these accounts but don't monitor them. They don't think I have any followers. But I do.
The moral of this story is that these choices my parents make for me are the best decisions for me. I have daily chores and out strict routines are for a reason. They care about me. My mental health is the number one priority. If I all of the sudden become this fearless, I will fall and crash and burnout. My family knows me better than I know me.
Although these things might be unrealistic for someone my age, this is my life. I feel lucky to have such loving and caring parents that care about me. They want what's best for me, not what I want. That's a hard concept to grasp for someone with developing social skills and life skills.
It's hard to be able to realize that what's best isn't always what's desired in life.
What's desired isn't always the best choice.
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