Boyfriend plans a family vacation that I can't afford to go on?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend has announced he wants to take his mom to Europe.

He plans to go in the fall. he plans to pay for himself and his mother but I would have to pay for myself and I cannot afford to go.

He has already taken his mother on a similar trip about 10 years ago so he thinks the plane ticket will only cost me about 500 dollars!? He refuses to look at places in the states that might be less expensive and less time consuming. And his stance is "I want to take my mom to Europe. I want you to go, but if you can't pay for it I am still going.

I think he is being unreasonable, and obviously he's been stuck in a mental time warp if he thinks that round trip tix to Europe from anywhere in the US is still only $500?!?

I cannot afford to take 2 weeks off and pay anywhere from 3-5K for a vacation!? Seriously! its pretty much out of the question?

I feel he is deliberately planning a family vacation he knows I can't go on. And when I actually suggest going anywhere else, this 47 old man sounds like a 10yold stomping his feet saying " I want to take my mom to Europe (again) on vacation" I have never been to Europe. I really am not crazy about going (mostly because of the cost).

His mom is very sweet and fun to be with, other family members of his will probably be going as well (no one has committed yet).

I can afford to take some vacation but not to the extent that he has proposed. I don't think his mom cares either way, pretty sure she would go anywhere on a free vaca with her kids but he is being so weird about it, its becoming an issue. Obviously since I am just the girlfriend of 4 years and not the wife, there's only so much I can say. So, what can I say?

Updates

+1 y

Compromise If you really want someone or anyone else to go you have to compromise or what you are really saying is I want to take my mom to Europe, just her & I he does want me to go he also wants others to go but unless you pay the way you can't dictate

[missnicole]

Im confused about a couple things... I understand your hurt if you cannot go to Europe with him but starting with my practical question... Why would the trip cost you $3-5k? Is he saying you have to pay for your flight, hotel and food..footing the entire expense for your trip? If you need only pay the flight alone, then I think maybe you should actually look up the cost.

I had the opportunity a couple of months ago to go to france, and the plane ticket was a bit over $500 on special. I just looked it up again now, and its at $800...which seems reasonable. I've never heard of a flight to europe being in the $3-5k range..you may be able to afford it afterall.

On an emotional level... It seems as though he is doing this for his mother..hed like to take her on a trip that he knows shed love. I can't imagine him going back to her and saying..sorry mom, I can't take you to Europe cause my girlfriend can't afford to come too. Wanna go to Florida instead? If I were his mother Id be heartbroken, and upset with you for costing me a trip I had my heart set on. If I were the gf, Id try to find every possible way to go, and if I couldnt, Id tell him to have a great trip and take lots of pictures...

And...looking at it from the flipside..if instead of doing this trip for his mom, he was doing it for you and said he'd like to take you to Europe and also invited family to come with...and then his mom said she can't afford to go so he needs to find someplace she can afford and he did so, how would that make you feel?

I guess the thing is..that is a really generous and sweet thing he wants to do for his mom...if that's how he treats her, I can imagine that he would treat you to that and more. But this is for her, not you...it wouldn't hurt to understand that and be gracious about it.

On the flipside..if he never does anything for you, and isn't generous or sweet to you at all and always only does things for his mother..then I can see being peeved about it.

[Asker]

Thanks for all your comments this site is pretty cool. I appreciate your honest answers. you guys are my new BFFs. tee-hee just kidding. anyway yes, I would have to pay my own way for everything, but that is ok that's how we usually travel. after talking to him again about what he had in mind and what he actually wanted to spend he realized he would have to come down to earth and make some adjustments as well or the trip would really be huge extravagance that no one in the party could afford.

[missnicole]

Awe Not a problem! That is so sweet of you to say :) Knowing now that no one else can afford to go, he's definitely being unreasonable! That's good that he's going to rethink the trip...maybe flying in off season when rates are lower? Instead of a hotel, renting a house and splitting the cost? That would help with food cost too, since some meals can be cooked at the house. Or even a different country altogether! I hope it works out, and its great to hear there's a compromise in store!

[Serenading_by_night]

Let him just go with his mom. Why do you have to go? He's obviously doing this for her--not you. He wants to take her somewhere he knows she'll enjoy. Stop being the clingy, whiny girlfriend and let the man do what he wants to do. It's his money. You can stay home and manage to be without him for two weeks. The time apart might be good for you. He's 47? Let me let you in on a little secret. Men never grow up. They are always going to want their own way, so don't try to change that now. He's pretty set in his ways.

Tell him to go and have fun and you'll just make plans to stay here. Arrange to do something yourself while he's away. Make plans to go out on the town with your friends, or go to a movie, dinner, bar, etc.

Don't make it an issue, because it's not worth it.

[thelittlethings]

You don't really have much reason to be upset. It's not his fault you can't afford it and he shouldn't have to stay home because of that. If I wanted to take my mom somewhere and didn't have the money to take my fiancee, if he couldn't afford it then I guess he wouldn't go. And he would be ok with that because he wouldn't want me missing out on anything on his account.

If you can't get that much time off work, maybe you could go for a few days. It would be cheaper that way too.

You shouldn't expect him to pay for you or to miss out because you can't pay for yourself.

[somuchcooleronline]

Except that he is paying for his moms way but now his own fiances that seems a little backwards and messed up doesn't it

[homer2324]

it would be unwise give him the impression that you are trying to get between you and his mom.

assuming your boyfriend is also around 30ish, with the 30 years of pride would be pretty tough to be undone. try offering to research the price of the trip with him and offer him the opportunity to find out the price himself.

also, maybe he just need a tiny bit of time-out from the relationship, all men need this in any long term relationship

[Anonymous]

sorry if it offends you, but he sounds like a jerk! first of all, if you're a man and have two significant ladies in your life- your mom and current love partner, you should be respectful and should genuinely offer to pay for both their tickets! he sounds cheap and needs to grow up. What kind of gentleman does that, especially after a 4 year relationship?

im sorry if this bites, I'm just being honest, just be careful and be strong and be a woman! tell him the truth and let him know how unmanly he is being!

[Nashbetty]

RUN!

This is the signs of what is to come. Dump this guy. Sweet as he is this is not a relationship that is going to be a keeper. Go. Mom will always have control of all him and there will never be peace.

There can one be one dominate female in the House and so let him go. He has made his decision through being lead. By his age if he hasn't become a man and been able to separate mate and mother he never will. Move on.