I told my mom I hate her-- she told me to drop dead?

[moonchild1994]

My mom and I got into an argument. My mom raised me and I moved out when I was 18 because of religious reasons. Well got kicked out because I wouldn't go to church. Felt like she never understood me and had her own thinking. Very racist as well. Anyways, I'm 21 now. We still talk and she helps me out because I refuse to live with her. I do have a mouth but that's because she tells me hurtful things. I try to be around her to build up a relationship but I still emotionally block her off. I pay her phone bill and she doesn't work because she got fired. She bakes as a living right now. When we argue she tells me to drop dead and go to hell. That she should've aborted me. I tell her I hate her and that's why I moved away from her. I can see my fault because I talk back and disrespectful but that's because she tells me hurtful things. My family is all broken up as well. She doesn't talk to her mom (my grandma) she talks bad about my grandma all the time. Everytime I stay silent she continues to put me down and talk bad to me. So my defense comes back up and I tak back. I can't deal with her. I know i have work to do but there was a reason I left from her. What can I do? I have low self esteem as well. I talked to my dad and asked him for help but I haven't seen him in years. She says I'm the dysfunctional one in the family. I don't think I am. I try to have everyone together. I try to get her to talk to my grandma but she refuses to. I don't know what to do anymore.

[lightbulb27]

You shouldn't have to go through all that. you are suffering the consequences of would sounds like a family history of emotional issues. You may be dysfunctional but it doesn't sound like you have any reference point for healthy...

Step 1: find a relational counselor you like and gets your situation and start talking and working through the issues/emotions. sorry, that is gonna cost money. churches sometimes offer it at no cost. I know you said you reject her church, but no wonder.
Step 2 Read the book change your life in 7 days to help boost self esteem, identify your values. do other things that make you feel good that are healthy: eat right, exercise, etc..
Step 3: try to get your mom into it as well.

Please do not get into a relationship with a dude at this point... keep them away for now...

Do you have any support structure... aunts, friends, anything that you'd definte as a healthy. like someone you can talk openly to and they don't judge you? I'm not suggesting you dump all of this on them, but just that you have some healthy relationships. There is no good reason for all of this.

This stuff goes deep into your family and you are not the source of the problem. No mom should ever say to you what she is saying to you. But she's acting out of her frustation, wounds , etc..

Let me know if anything else I can do for you... good grief!

[jabbafo]

This sounds like a toxic relationship, that goes around in circles. Clearly her mom did this to her, and now she does it to you.
I would just be honest, try and sit down and talk without yelling or blowing up. If she starts to yell, you calmly say " mom, I'm not yelling at you, will you please stop yelling and just talk". My mom is 1st generation Sicilian, and boy do they get mad, but I just try not to get mad too.
One person yelling is bad enough, two people yelling, and no one gets their point across. Sometimes you have to be the bigger person, even if it's an authority figure your up against.
But don't let your relationship be ruined, a mother is irreplaceable.

[Anonymous]

I know it isn't the best thing in the world, but parents sometimes say bullshit to you, but can still love you. I think she might have said it once and then eventually gotten used to being able to say it because of how well you seem to brush it off and how often she probably says it. Im sure she doesn't wish that upon you, but she is speaking out of anger, and so are you. You know you have a mouth, so where do you think you got it from? I don't know how you can do it, but I encourage ypubro try to build a better realtionship with your mom. She is the one who brought you into the world and as much as you hate to admit it, you will always need her to comfort and love you and be there for you, even if your relationship sucks as it is now.

[moonchild1994]

Yes I know. I try. That's why I went on this trip and keep her around. But the stuff she says I can't deal with. Like we really just do not get along. I'm more open minded and she's close minded. Very opposite people. I feel like I just need to see more and get away from her and the city I grew up in.

[Opinion Owner]

That's totally understandable. You are an adult and don't HAVE to revolve around your parents trying to mend things single handedly. It takes effort from both sides. Maybe once you get some distance, you will begin to miss each other and the next time you see her things will go smoother?

[Anonymous]

Stay close to grandma leave your mom alone! She will drain you, and your whole life would be based around you trying to make your mother happy especially to you! You can't make someone do anything.. distance makes the heart grow fonder. Maybe once you take away paying her phone bill she will know how you are NOT USELESS and dysfunctional.. just cut her off. It'll be hard but don't show any weakness with her. You don't have to talk back but grow a back bone and go live YOUR life.

[moonchild1994]

I try. I feel like the way I grew up because of a broken family causes the talking back. She gave me material things instead of gaining an emotional trust with me. I tried to cut her off once but that didn't work. My grandma is okay and I lived with her once but something with my grandpa happened and she blamed me. I got kicked out too but that was cool. I mean both of them are dysfunctional which causes me to be and I don't want to be that. They're the two leading ladies in my life. The only ones there when I was growing up. It just sucks. I want to take counseling and also just live my life the way I want to. I suffer from depression and low self esteem but I hide it. The family doesn't make it any better.

[serious]

This is a very unhealthy relationship you have with your mother. I think you should stop keeping any contact with your mom.

Why do you think you have low self esteem? no, I don't think so, because if you had low self esteem you will be fearful towards your mom given the way she is treating you, you will be scared and will keep quiet when she tells you disrespectful things, but you are not doing that.

You have the courage to stand up to her, you have the courage to defend and even speak back to her in her own language. A person with low self esteem cannot do that, so no you don't have low self esteem.

However you need to leave that house, this relationship is very unhealthy and it can affect you in negative ways if you choose to keep talking with your mom.

[MrShinyPants]

Sounds like she may be taking agression out on yku about some of the choices she made in life of choices your grandma has made. Usually people take things out on the people they trust and love the most. My brother does that all the time. If its possible, you should try to have a heart to heart talk with her to see what is bothering her. Once things cool off and the timing is good. Also helps to keep a level head during it, for there may be a brief moment the talk may get heated, because of miscommunication.

[worldscolide]

No mother should say, has a right to say that to her child. I disconnected from my mom for the same reasons. She was not at my wedding for those reasons, and she will never see her grandchildren for those reasons. If she dies tomorrow i will not pay for her burial the state can handle that.

[Waffles731]

Just stop associating with her,
She isn't worth your time

[Anonymous]

She helps you out? With what?

Why don't you completely cut off contact?

[Anonymous]

pray to god for help. thats the only help i know... .

[dominiquois]

Your mom took it too far in my opinion.