My mom belittles me and makes fun of my anxiety? How can I have more peace?

[Anonymous]

I live at home with her and my father still, so I know she kinda has the right to belittle me, but hear me out, please.

I do a lot of things, I am hard working, I am a student and get good grades, but she very rarely acknowledges it. Instead, she makes fun of my anxiety issues and belittles me with them. When I tell her that hurts when she says things about my anxiety issues, she starts acting like that's disrespectful for me to tell her that, and then she'll start bringing up the things I did in the past, and all my mistakes back then.

I only handle so much of hurtful words, and eventually, I snap. I have realized a lot of my anxiety gets worse because of the things she says about them and me. She seems to try to make me feel lazy and helpless. I know I am not lazy and helpless. My friends and other family and myself can see that I am hard working and independent.

My father on the other hand, is an awesome support to and for me, he understands, (because she treats him that way too sometimes). She thinks we're ganging up on her, when he comes talks to me in my room after my mother said hurtful things to me, when he's only trying to be an encouragement to me.

I noticed the more independent and good things I am doing, and the more friends I make, the more she belittles me. It's getting ridiculous. I try to keep peace, but the only way I can is if I just smile and laugh when she belittles my anxiety /depression issues.

I am planning on getting my own place soon, so that will lessen our interactions, but in the mean time, and my relationship further with her, how can I have more peace? Any ideas/tips? I'm sure many of you have dealt with this too, and was wondering how you did?

[Texaskid1]

You have described my mom when I was a teen.

I would say for the time being do two things:

1. Start looking for your own place. A small apartment is all you need right now. As long as you are under her roof it is going to be hard. You said you you work hard so save up some of that money for a deposit.

2. Spend as much time out of the house as possible. When I was a teen my mom was an angry woman who spent a lot of time venting her frustrations at me. I did not have a car or many close friends in high school so I joined extra curricular activities to get out of the house. Hell , I would go on long ass walks around town when it got bad.

3. You are going to need some kind of therapy. This constant anxiety is not good for you. Even when I left the house and all the way into my 30s I had a lot of anxiety which I attribute to her.

Also , stop thinking she has the right to belittle you. Why for fucks sake would any parent think they have the right to belittle anyone let alone their own kids?

[Zeus_66]

If you feel the way you do, then it must be real on some level. But you highlight that you're 18-24 years of age. Ain't gonna change when you're 40. Trust me. Deal with it, or don't deal with it. I love my mother, but I take almost everything she says with a grain of salt. She's beyond judgmental, yet seem to figure out at the ripe age of 71 why she has very few friends. She's difficult, opinionated, and everything is about her. She ain't changing. And she ain't living either. She's consumed with stress, anxiety, and fear in everything she does. She favors my oldest brother over my sister and I. Fine. Nothing I can do about that. Control what you can, make decisions, and deal with the fact that she isn't changing. Harsh reality. But you'll thank me for the advice. And one day when you have kids, make sure you don't do to them what she does to you.

Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

Your mom is actually probably abusive. Its more about her than you. A good therapist would enable you to see this fir whta it is and give you the tools so that she can't have that effect on you anymore.

[Smoke-n-Growls]

Your mother has zero right to belittle you.

Period. Point blank. Full stop.

[Smoke-n-Growls]

Also, to add: your mother sounds like mine - a narcissist. Your dad, fortunately, also sounds like mine in that he's also supportive.

Your mother has issues. None of those are because of you, or your fault, or in any way something you can or should fix.

Your mother is a broken person with massive ass flaws. And she is taking that out on you inappropriately.

I highly suggest talking to a therapist, and reading up on content from the sidebar of Reddit's /r/RaisedByNarcissists.

Definitely move out as soon as you can, and in the meantime do some research on techniques like Grey Rocking and how to set up emotional barriers and boundaries with your mother.

Seriously, though, your mom is not normal, not healthy, and not right.

Please hang in there, and feel free to DM me if you need someone to talk to. I understand very well how you feel: I'm also someone with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and I've recently gone no contact with my mother.

September will be my one year anniversary of going no contact and I swear despite all the messed up shit happening in the world, it's been one of the better mental health years of my life.

Please take care of yourself. Your mother is wrong to belittle you.

[SirBearon]

Maybe it's her way to drive you. My brother used to do this when we were younger and I hated it. You need to take what your dad tells you and use that as your motivation and inspiration. Tell your mom her words will not define you. When you focus on positive thing's it's much more helpful. Of you deal with anxiety and focus on negative thoughts it only fuels the anxiety. The human mind is very powerful. You must focus on what's healthy for you. Tell your mom you love her. Tell her thank you when she says something you don't like. Tell her things like "ok". Brush her rude comments off your shoulders.

[JesseCraft]

To be completely honest I don't think you can have a better relationship with her. She sounds way too stubborn plus her talking to you like that is unacceptable. Honestly I'd recommend just ignoring her, she's just being an awful mother. It is never okay to belittle some because of their anxiety. She isn't worth it, just don't talk to her

[Yuushiro]

I have had similar situation with my mother, and know exactly how you feel. I mostly just ended up staying away from her as much as possible. Family therapy might be a good idea... it helped me and my mom somewhat. I also found that having a solid group of friends worked wonders.

I hope this helps

[Jjpayne]

I'd say space is essential. Try to distance yourself from the house as much as you can. I'm going to recommend therapy simply because it's something that I do too. I say therapy because it's good to talk things out with someone that will validate and affirm your feelings as well as give you useful tools you can use daily to help with your mom

[Jjpayne]

Also consider peaceful music and meditation too

[Massageman]

Sorry to hear that you are having to go through this.
Great that you have a good, solid father as a mentor and support system.

Take each day one day at a time, hang in there, and move out as soon as you are able.
If you think you may need outside counseling, call 1-800-A-FAMILY for a referral to help. We will be praying for you.

[Ianto]

Your mother is obviously intent on using your insecurities to keep you subservient to her wishes.
She doesn't care what is best for you, only what she wants. You need to get out and make your own life.
Get your own place, and make it clear to her that she is only welcome in your life if she changes her attitude.

[_SOARER]

My advice is this. You can't control your parents and their reactions. You can control yours. You are insecure and let people and circumstance. Be still and know everything will be ok. You have a good life and troubles will happen, but they will pass. Your anxiety is all in your head, only you can overcome it. You need to overcome your parents though. So forgive your mom, she doesn't know what she is doing.

[Cptfrugal]

I dealt with similar issues with my father. Peace comes from within, not without. It takes work, but you learn to value your thoughts and opinions, not others

[wellendowedwonder]

Don't wait ! its gonna be difficult but just move with friend or other family that. Will be a positive in your world. Maybe mom will understand how she has affected you and your poor dad.
Its abuse , and even more anxiety you dont need in your life

[Shezadi]

I have been through this shit for 21 years of my life.

[bigmatt98]

Ignore those who cause you pain and strive to show them your better then what they make you out to be stay strong keep your head up and ignore pricks

[Zinnia0403]

Talk to your mother. I know it sounds crazy but try that. If that doesn’t work u need to try and move with someone else

[Jamie05rhs]

A lot of parents are toxic. I don't know why. They probably have personal issues.
I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

[YHL6965]

Honestly, she is the problem so there is not much you can do. She must have such a sad and empty life is she feels the need to belittle, judge and mock you so much.

[COMMODOREII]

It sounds like she is jealous of you. And no one has right to treat you like that not even your mom. Any chance you can move out?

[RHK36]

She's not changing anytime soon. Ignore it until you move out.

[Brendan824]

Try meditation and if possible leave them you should never deal with people who make you feel less than no matter who it is

[asshole_]

You can tell her how it makes you feel, but, there's not really much you can do to control what she does. You can't control people

[OddBeMe]

By jot caring so much. I had to cut down on seeing my parents bc they’re so toxic.

[jimmy2]

Time to leave home go on your own osth into your life not theirs

[Asker]

What does osth mean? You said, "Time to leave home go on your own osth into your life not theirs."
And exactly, that's why I started it out saying, "I live at home with her and my father still, so I know she kinda has the right to belittle me..." and ended it with, "I am planning on getting my own place soon..." It is time. I am in the process. And most, (at least where I am from) leave home at 21-23, so I'm "ahead" of them.