If someone amends their awful behavior, should they be forgiven?

[Anonymous]

My cousin has dated her boyfriend for nearly 2 years now. However, once in a while the past still hurts her.
When they were 15-16 year-olds, the guy used to be a jerk. He was one of the main social bullies (put bad nicknames on her) and used spread jokes about her facial acne and glasses. While laughing, he once someone would have to be blind or drunk to ever date her. He gave her a hard time and she used to come home stressed out. She hated school.

He came to eating his own words and things happened. I heard karma got him during the summer and he softened up. He worked hard and did so much to be a better person. What impressed her the most was that his apologies and promises were then followed by actions such as when he got involved in anti-bullying campaigns and participated (still does) in a couple animal shelters. He gained her friendship first. It wasn't until late Now 2019 (they were college juniors by then), that they officially started dating.

He's been treating her great since and has changed. He knows she's hurt at times and still apologizes, claiming he'll do anything to make that hurt go away. Needless to say, he informed his friends and I that he was to surprise her on Valentine's Day but not to tell her. He's hoping the answer is a yes. We know what it is. He really loves her. If someone worked hard to amend their awful behaviors and hasn't relapsed since, should they be forgiven?

Yes

No

Updates

+1 y

Personally, I think he has made up for it. We're both 23 year-old by now.

Updates

+1 y

They're

Updates

+1 y

She said yes to his proposal on the 14th. They're officially engaged now.

[nelly83]

they can be forgiven, in most cases I wouldn't. You need to keep in mind that adults usually don't change easily. Its very very hard for a full grown adult to change. Usually it would take a very drastic life event to change someone.

There was a reason why they thought it was ok to do that terrible deed. If they honestly thought the deed was so terrible, they wouldn't have done it in the first place right? I would say that you CAN forgive, but do not forgive everyone like you're handing out candy. If they hurt you again, you're responsible for your pain because you DECIDED to trust this person again. Forgive a few, don't forgive most.

[Asker]

Well he was a teen when he did all that. Ever since starting his junior year of HS, he tried to making it for it all.

[Asker]

He's 23 and it's been 7 years since he stopped bullying and being a jerk to others.

[Kurαȷ]

My usual answer would be "no", but since we are talking about a teenager the answer is yes.
I do believe children and teenagers can change, but this is much more the result of psychosocial and neurocognitive development than desire or willpower.

Children and adolescents simply just don't have the brain of an adult, various important areas of the brain that govern decision related cognitive functions such as self-regulation aren't fully there yet.

But if we are talking about an adult who was exhibiting lack of self-regulation already in adulthood, a change is much harder for me to believe.
Not just because I don't trust their willpower, but also because they have demonstrated the biological propensity for those bad behaviors that others, who I would rather associate myself with, have not.

[Asker]

I updated it. She said yes to his proposal.

[danjoredd]

Forgiveness doesn't equal trust. All forgiveness means is that you aren't mad about it anymore.
That doesn't mean she necessarily needs to trust him. If he continues treating her right, then I suppose it will turn out ok. However for a while she should look for warning signs of him returning to old habits.

[raddisn]

Sounds like to me this girl was a late bloomer and has gotten beautiful over the years. Karma has caught up him

[Asker]

@raddisn
Yet he started apologizing and stopped his bullying ways in the following school year (both were juniors in HS) before she bloomed. She still had acne until nearly the ending of their senior year.

[Asker]

He's been trying to win her since and she put him in the friendzone for the longest until she finally gave him a chance and they've dated since late Nov 2019.

[alice55]

Depend what her heart tell her. It's easier to forgive someone that have done shit in their teenager years than in their adult years. I don't think I would be able to forget someone doing in their adult years no matter how much they apologize.

[Asker]

He was a teen at the time. He began changing for the better in the summer after his sophomore year of HS ended. So by the time he began his junior year in HS, he had changed. So since he was 16/17, he worked hard to get her forgiveness and make all the changes. They're both 23 by now.

[Asker]

Basically he was a total jerk in both his freshman and sophomore year of HS and spent the other last two years making up for it.

[Asker]

She loves him and forgave but once in a while gets some flashbacks of it.

[winterfox10]

They should be forgiven, yeah. "Cancelling people" has only become a thing in super recent history and the reason they haven't done it in past (except the most extreme cases) is because it's not sustainable. Society fractures when you aren't able to reconcile differences.

[Asker]

She forgave but wants to know if there is a way, she can stop thinking about the mean, nasty words he used to say to her (as well as the times he humiliated her at school) in their first years of HS.

[YHL6965]

Yes. Forgiveness is about letting go of your resentment for someone. Ultimately, that resentment only hurts you in the end. Forgiveness allows you to free yourself from that burden, to let go of this negativity. That does not mean you have to like the person you forgive or anything like that, you just let go of that anger/hate/resentment that has been eating your from the inside.

[Colleen19]

Honestly I think some people deserve a second chance or forgiveness... but bullying is a tough one. It depends if years have gone by then yea... or however the person feels.

[Asker]

It's been like 7-8 years since the last time she was bullied. She does claims to have forgiven him and loves him too but at times, she has flashbacks of those hurtful words he would say back then and the laughter too. He still apologizes and wants to do anything to take away her hurt, to always make her happy.

[Colleen19]

That all sounds nice... but coming from someone who was bullied by the person she liked it's best maybe she move on cause ptsd is no joke... unless this guy is sos serious about making amends and being faithful and kind then it's her decision...

[Asker]

Indeed bullying has effect on people. Initially her parents, her sister and I hated him for what he did. He understood thought, has apologized to us a long while back too and followed with actions. By now, he's been accepted.
He wants to propose on Valentine's Day. That's his surprise but told us to keep that surprise a secret.

[Colleen19]

I figured he wanted to propose... I just hope he doesn't change and become a crazy manaic... its happen to me before. But that sounds lovely. I hope she is happy and stays that way💜

[Colleen19]

Why did he bully her in the first place if he liked her? I'm confused

[Asker]

He didn't her in the beginning and once thought of her as ugly. He was a jerk that socially bully others too. He started liking her on their junior year of HS... the following year, several months of summer.

[Colleen19]

Oh okay. Thanks

[Colleen19]

He should be in love with me!!

[nelly83]

@Asker if his treating her so well over the years still can't make up for the pain he caused her, then that means he was a terrible person back then. It was no ordinary simple mocking, she was scarred for life or near traumatized.

[Asker]

@nelly83
Yes, he did admitted to be a terrible jerk at the time. He was a jerk in the first two years of their HS years (freshman and sophomore) and spend the other remaining two years (junior and senior) making up for it all.

[Smoke-n-Growls]

Some people are capable of change. Those people deserve a second chance - but it's up to the people they hurt to give them that chance.

Sometimes, though, people aren't capable of change.

[WhiteSteve]

Definitely. Especially at such a young age. If we’re going to be judging adults on how they behaved in high school, a lot of us are in trouble, lmao.

[Asker]

You got a point. Even though I've never bullied anyone in HS, I probably acted immature in other things back then too.

[WhiteSteve]

Yeah, I mean, looking back post-40, I’d say the biggest change in myself and really almost everyone I knew came by their early 20s, like most of us weren’t who we were like 5, 10 years ago. Meanwhile I feel like I’m practically the same guy today as I was in my early 20s, minus some obvious differences. But not much change in 15-20 years, in terms of my general persona. Same for a lot of friends, and most of them have been through some life-altering circumstances, particularly becoming parents. They’ve grown some responsibility, but they’re the same knuckleheads I knew from college when they can leave the kids with their wives. You’re figuring a lot of things out in your teens. It may not always be drastic like bullying and then being anti-bullying, but we all develop a lot in our adolescence. And there’s always room to grow, but I’d say I almost expect a big change between the ages you’re dealing with, with anyone, even if it’s something simple like going from shy to less shy, something like that.

[Asker]

He proposed on the 14th and she said yes. We can now assume he's been already forgiven

[WhiteSteve]

That’s great. I wish them the best🙏

[TheorionMage]

OLD Russian proverb translated: "Trust. But verify!"
Old behaviors are the unconscious's FIRST 'default'

[AFellowWeeb]

To me at least, depends on what she did, if she cheated on me in the past, i could forgive her, but she would never get a chance with me again. In a case like this, i dunno, maybe i would give a girl that bullied me in the past a chance

[Waldoe]

that's the reason you had to Not like them... they fixed it. forgive them

[Asker]

We didn't like him at first. Then he proved us that he changed for the better. He's been forgiven by now.

[Waldoe]

then I don't understand your question "If someone amends their awful behavior, should they be forgiven?"

[Asker]

I wanted to share to see what you guys thinks. We already forgive him. She did too but at times (not much, once in a while) she finds herself hurt with those flashbacks, as the time he made fun of her and said he would never date her, etc.

[Waldoe]

forgiveness does not mean forgetting, besides.. forgiving is "more" healing for the person that is doing the "forgiving" not the idiot that never knew he was being forgiven... clears up your "Karma"

[Asker]

The update is he propose and she said yes.

[raddisn]

Yes. Everyone deserves a second chance to change

[Asker]

He proposed right on Valentine's Day that just passed and her answer was yes.

[ThisIsMyOpinion]

Depending on what they did... no.

[Asker]

He was a social bully that humiliated others and gave her a hard time. She forgave him by now but sometimes has some flashbacks whenever he would referred to her as ugly.

[ThisIsMyOpinion]

I wouldn't forgive such a person.

[Asker]

She came to loving him. Part of her wants to let it go every time he says ''I love you'' and he'll do anything to make her happy while still remembering when he once said ''Eww, someone would have to be blind or drunk to ever date you'' when he was 15-16 years old.

[Asker]

So she's struggling sometimes, there is the reformed, great boyfriend and the his former nasty version she wishes to erase from her thoughts.

[ThisIsMyOpinion]

I believe people can make mistakes. But what you described was not a mistake, what you described was more thanj just a mistake.

[Asker]

He's so happy now and is feeling like the luckiest guy for having such a forgiving girlfriend, well now fiance. He proposed on the 14th and she said yes.

[ThisIsMyOpinion]

Well best of luck to both.

[beefy40]

only if they didn't mean it.

[Anonymous]

forgive but not forget. just be cautious of him