Is punishing children the right approach?

Question

How does punishing children affect them?

Lliam · Accepted Answer

I think talking to kids is much better. From the earliest age, kids idolize their parents. The worst thing is for their parents to be disappointed in them. They want praise. They also want to be treated like people. A kid can understand you if you sit down and have a serious discussion, listen to them and use calm reason, and explain why their behavior disappointed you. If a kid feels loved and respected, they will respond. And it will teach them how to behave and communicate as adults. After all, it's counterproductive for an adult to shout or threaten another. It's no different with kids.

Kids don't have much life experience, so they make mistakes and misjudgements. That's part of growing up. We need to help them understand.

Think of training animals like dogs or horses. It's done through positive reinforcement, not punishment. You might shout "No" to a dog to get it's attention. But you also train it to listen to you and obey your commands. Dogs respond to praise. Fear of punishment makes them neurotic because they don't understand why they are being punished.

The only other thing I would say is, if a kid is openly defiant, punishment is necessary. I don't think violence is at all productive. Although maybe paddling child (in their terrible twos or threes, for example) on very rare occasions when they totally loose control may serve to get their attention and instill the idea that you are far more powerful than them if you need to be. That notion may stick with them for life.

As they are growing up, no more violence, but other punishments may be necessary if they are openly defiant. They need to know that there is a power greater than them. Removing privileges is an example. But it always has to be explained to them, and the fact that you love and want the best for them must always be conveyed. Reason works best. Kids push boundaries. That's part of how they learn. But they aren't stupid.

MrOracle · Accepted Answer

Children need DISCIPLINE and STRUCTURE from their parents, as well as love. They need to be taught that they don't get everything they want when they want it, they need to be taught to stay where they are told to stay and no just run off, and and they need to be taught not to do things that you don't want them to do. Why? Because the world isn't a padded playground where everything is safe, and so you need to teach your kids to respect the dangers of the world.

And sometimes those children are going to disobey you, and they'll need to be punished. That could be as simple as saying "NO!", or it could be a swat on the hand, or it could be having a toy taken away for the day, or whatever. But if you have to swat a child's hand to, say, keep them from turning on the burner on the stove, that's going to hurt them a whole lot less than them putting their hand into the fire or on a hot electric coil, OR burning the whole house down. If you have to sit them in a corner because they were running wild, that's better than them running near a brick retaining wall with a sharp edge that they could split their head open on. Little kids don't understand the dangers of the world like you do as an adult, and so you have to teach them, and in the process of teaching them, some form of punishment is going to be necessary.

That doesn't mean you whip off your belt and spank them because they spilled some water - most of the time, words are plenty, and when they're not, taking away a privilege is usually enough.

But FAILING to instill discipline will do FAR more harm to your child over the long run. Most lazy people, and most criminals, grew up without structure and discipline, and their lives on the whole are usually a disaster.

Screenwriter · Accepted Answer

For very young children it needs to be only "time outs". They have to sit quietly somewhere and not talk for five to 7 minutes. Five minutes to a 4 year old is forever. Then you talk to them about what they did. Playing with matches, yanking their sister's hair, poking the dog in the eye. Some such stuff. You might have to whack a butt or slap a hand to get the very young's attention.

When kids are older, it's taking away privileges. And the discussions are more productive. "You know why I'm limiting your gaming time, Ipad time, taking away your phone?"

When they're even OLDER past 11 or so, you can have your children "choose" their punishment. 2 weeks of washing everyone's clothes, washing the dishes by hand, walking the dog and the discussions of the punishment are concretely more serious: punishments for lying, not respecting curfew etc. No phone/internet/computer time after homework is done. That's a killer.

This all about learning self control. If they learn it young, it follows them through their lives and helps them with personal and interpersonal development and success.

Brainsbeforebeauty · Accepted Answer

You have to teach children discipline, that there's consequences for actions... Why can schools have rules/discipline, the government can have rules.. But if parents set rules and consequences for breaking those rules, they're made to be too strict or bad parents... Not teaching your children about rules and the consequences that can follow is bad parenting in my opinion... Disciplining your child doesn't mean you don't love them... Means you're trying to teach them and raise them to have manners, and respect/follow rules...

ohshee · Answer

From 5 to 10 years old I used to get beat black and blue with a belt if I did something wrong I swear up and down that I would never ever touch my kids
The day that my son was born and I held him in my arms I looked deep into his eyes and I swore I would never touch him hurt him I would let him grow I will teach him.
Everyday that you got older I could see his mind just ticking away thinking about things all the time the day that he stood up on his two feet and started walking that taught me something. It taught me that he watches everything that I do and he's going to do the same thing so I had to be very careful what I said how I said it anytime I was talking to anybody it also told me that his mind is empty and he's going to challenge himself so if you do something wrong I'm not going to restrict him or take away from him I'm going to give him more responsibility. And if he does something wrong all I have to do is say. PSSST. I don't need to yell or scream I'll make it all about me I need to teach for example him and his friends at somebody's house crawling all over things I would just say PSSST And I would hear him say come on my dad wants to talk to us. They would walk over to me and I would explain is this your property what happens if you were to break it or destroy it you can't do that at people's homes you understand. He would say yes and I would say okay go have fun think about me for you too. He is now six foot seven one badass smart kid is a fireman paramedic and I didn't hold him back in life I let him experience and learn

Shizunk · Answer

The key question is, if you knew an effective method to instill discipline that would make beating your tiny dependent humans unnecessary, would you still be willing to cause them pain just because it's easier?
I hope most people wouldn't.
We already find it unacceptable among adults to settle disagreements with violence. The stronger the attacker and the weaker the victim, the harsher will be the judgment. And yet, somehow it is ok to cause tremendous pain to the weakest and most vulnerable of us who are not near us of their own choice and will but simply because they have no choice? I think that is absolutely unacceptable. Even if it was harder to instill discipline without violence, it is still worth it because otherwise children learn to avoid you and lie about things you may not like to hear. They may rebel, throw temper tantrums and the more you try to break their will to get them to do what you want, the less they will be on your side and the more likely they are to rebel and do things specifically to go against you later.
There are better methods. You should know what you are doing because not beating people doesn't mean by itself that you can fix problems that may develop, but "how do I instill discipline and teach good habits without beating people up" should be a serious question all parents should be asking themselves. We already progressed from teacher beating kids to that being strictly prohibited in most places around the world. It s time to take final step and make sure parents are not doing it either. There are courses to learn this stuff if you are not sure you can do it well, but it seems people think everything around parenting is just an automatic easy process anyone can do well without training. That attitude needs to change.

Dragonpurple · Answer

What my family did and what I did with my daughter was a mixed approach, rather than strictly punishment or rewards (some call bribery to get them to do what you want) I went both directions.

My parents did too, if I was bad I was punished... if I was good I was rewarded but the kicker is I wasn't always rewarded for doing what I was suppose to do. I also was not always punished. Sometimes the only punishment I got was a comment saying something like "I'm disappointed in you" and that was all I got and it made me feel terrible.

I know a lot of society is stuck, one way or the other. I've often wished that police officers who pull people over for speeding and ticket them should also pull people over for going the speed limit and give them a check for doing the right thing. Using the money from the fines from the law breakers. I know it will never happen though for various reasons.

I will say I used to get spanked by a paddle sometimes when I was little, it never really hurt but I pretended it did. I know my dad knew it didn't hurt, but was trying to prove a point.

I'm not sure what other options there are. Grounding never worked for me as a teen. I'd get told I was grounded couldn't go hang out with friends. I'd say good luck with that and walk out the door.

The real question is what to do, and my parents and I myself did the mixed approached to balance things out. If timeout or grounding doesn't work, what do you do next? if punishment doesn't work, or bribery then what?

I will say if I had kids these days, punishment would likely be to take away their phone... or better yet, let them keep it but take away the charging cable.

Anonymous · Answer

Much like how @coulis stated, I feel there are holes in the question at hand.

I really loved your opinion by the way @coulis ^_^

Okay, so my view would be that even from a young age a human being makes errors, but at such a young age they are not as capable of holding long discussions on the reason to why things are not meant to be done, so a simple one word association that reminds them that the object or location is not something to take part in increases their safety.

As an increase of age they will speak better and become more reluctant in many ways, discussions are now available but they won't yet be able to understand the true reasons for avoiding the dangers they put themselves in so you put penalties of a LESSER severity but still enough to mean something to them to make them learn to avoid the dangers.

Once they are at the young adult stage they can pretty much understand the dangers but may still come into some, you will need to find out what things they like in order to have leverage when setting a rule on someone at this age.

Physical penalties are something I do not consider a good method but I also believe there are moments in life when a person of any age requires to be taught using something other than words as sometimes a child or adult does not treat the meaning of what someone is saying as seriously as is desired, if a child was being extremely verbally abusive to their parent then I believe a slap would be acceptable followed by a conversation together so the child understands what they did wrong and so that they do not begin to fear their parents, it is important they know they are loved and that the slap was due to the disrespect they showed.

Nomina · Answer

Punishment is part of education and I think a part of a parent's job. It teaches kids consequences for their actions. Now the form of the punishment differs but it is important. Added to it is the necessity to explain why he or she was punished. It's crucial they understand, to be more thoughtful about their behavior in the future.

Withholding from it is what creates spoiled kids. I get that many parents shy away from it, but not punishing when necessary will do them more harm than good in the long run. It's the same pattern that adults exact among themselves in society. Better for a child to learn early on that consequences are not always good, otherwise they won't reflect on what they do and may just assume that whatever they do is "fine".

Anonymous · Answer

I do think parents need to discipline children but it depends how they go about it. Spanking in my opinion isn't really all that effective. I feel like way too many parents use this as a way to take their anger out on someone. I've always found it weird how hitting a child is supposed to teach them something.

If you're constantly yelling at your kids and spanking them it'll scare them at first, then they'll start wondering why you hate them so much and eventually they'll wonder why they ever tried to please you in the first place. In my opinion, spanking your children does more harm than good and it strains your relationship with them.

Ninani · Answer

Having clear rules and consequences is the best approach. The child should know what to expect from their actions beforehand, so they can make informed choices, then it's okay to discipline bad behaviour. Punishing a child for unknowingly doing something bad only creates distrust and frustration.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

Life contains punishments for certain things and rewards for others. The approach to discipline should prepare children to respond to these societal rewards and punishments as they get older. Yes, punishment - in moderation - as an acceptable form of discipline.

Totesperf · Answer

Punishment is crucial to the Child's thoughts of the World. They must know that the World does NOT revolve around them, which is how a Baby grows up. When they become independent on Learning Skills, they begin to understand that everything is at their will. The King of the World. No rules. No limitations. Not so. To be put in place, boundaries are set, with effective consequences. Now, proper punishment is also a factor. If you're too lenient, that can harbor serious issues. For example, I lived with a Family who thought "working out" was an effective method. (planking, push-ups, etc) Outcome? The Children remained MONSTERS. Obviously, it wasn't effective. But it depends on the child. I was spanked as a kid, and hey, looking back, I wouldn't change a thing. It was REALLY effective. It gave me a sense of "respect-fear" for my Family. It out me in my place. I knew what I was, and what I needed to be. I answered to my Parents, never vice-versa.

Coulis · Answer

This question is flawed. People need punishment people need to feel consequences. Children are people. I don't like to assume but the fact that you question the benefit of punishment as a whole indicates to me that you think punishment can only be in one way.

Perhaps you only view punishment as corporal?

Perhaps you only view punishment as deprivation?

Maybe if you can add an update and elaborate what you feel punishment is then we can respond and say "well that form of punishment is negative but other more constructive and educated rhetorical forms of quote-unquote punishment are more productive."

We can also discuss the effects with more accuracy.

Nice question! 🤝

sage2021 · Answer

Once people realize that a child's brain is not fully developed until age 25 then they should not expect them to comprehend as an adult. They just cannot do it! I don't believe in physical punishment AT ALL! It only shows the child that when you are really angry with someone, use your physical violence on them. Depending on the age of the child you might be better off using words they can understand to show them how their behavior is not acceptable. Have the child repeat what you said back to you to ensure they understood what you said. Punishing is shaming. A shamed child will grow up believing they aren't valued. Use your words.

mobiusforniner · Answer

I'm willing to bet many of the responders on this question don't in fact have any kids of their own.

There's no book on parenting, but I'll give you a hint... talking nicely and asking kids to explain what they did wrong doesn't make them stop being shits. I've tried that. In fact, kids will feel they have control over ME and will quickly manipulate ME into being their BITCH. Nope. Discipline exists for a reason. I hate getting mad at my little ones, but they need to know who's boss. I have to put myself through the pain of hurting them temporarily knowing they'll be better off for it. My kids are pretty well behaved and I'm proud of them. Sometimes I have to raise my voice. But my kids know when dad's stern, it means shit's going down. My nieces and nephews, who have zero discipline and where the parents do the "feelings" talk... wow... it's like night and day.

AviatorTom · Answer

Part of parenting is teaching your kids boundaries, that they are responsible for their actions, and that actions have consequences. Punishment is sometimes (not always) appropriate, and should fit the "crime", for example: go to your room, a simple spanking, no video games for the rest of the day, you're grounded for a week. There should never be any punishment that physically harms the child, though a few slaps on the butt is sometimes warranted to get their attention and make it known that you're serious.

In addition to the punishment, it's important to explain to the child what they did wrong, why it's wrong, and how to avoid doing the wrong thing in the future.

tee_64 · Answer

I prefer talking and making kids explain rather than punishing them because when i was young my parents would just sit with me and make me understand if i did something wrong and why i should not repeat that mistake instead of punishment, it will leave psychological scars on a kid for life long and will also cause self worth and self esteem issues in adulthood

StormyWinter · Answer

Every action has a consequence, pretending it doesn't does kids a great disservice, they grow up to believe rules don't apply to them, and will likely end up in front of a judge confused with a big chip on their shoulder...

Jackblue · Answer

Well until we can find some futuristic high tech way of molding them into this world I see no other way to teach them. Whether kids should be hit or not, that is open to debate for there are other forms of discipline. I also think that we should not think of children talking back as inherently bad, it is wrong if the child is in the wrong, but parents can be incorrect too. The government can't do anything to force people to critically evaluate how they parent, but that doesn't mean attitudes can't change.

bolverk · Answer

The current crop of 'parents' insist on seeing children as small adults appealing to their ‘better natures’ (of which they have none) and not what they are - alien beings that have to be taught the boundaries and social skills to be able work their way through life one of those boundaries is discipline which needs social or physical pain to enforce, the former is preferable to the latter and must be appropriate to the situation.
If you raise children without punishment you raise entitled adults that irrespective of social standing think societies laws and mores do not apply to them.

Snsns · Answer

no, not for me anyway... depends on the kids personality I guess... But I was born a rebel.. I fuckin hate rules.. and the more you tell me not to do something.. the more I wanna do it... My mum used to always ground and tell me not to do something like swear for example... And I didn't care about her punishments.. her punishments seem to jus piss me off and make me wanna break that rule more... If she jus sat down and talked to me nicely and explained in a calm manner why I need to stop whatever it is... Then I would probably do it because I would be calmm enough to try and understand her and I'd respect her more... when she's shouting at me it pisses me off so I can't even think straight and also makes me think why should I respect a bitch and do what she says?
You gotta talk to your kids nicely

Anonymous · Answer

I got spanked in the 90's, however I don't think it's the right way to punish a child. I feel as though it's outdated. It's kind of like how school children used to get slapped with a ruler, but now that would quite possibly cause a teacher to lose their job (and get arrested? I don't know.)

I also think it doesn't teach children good conflict resolution or how to be accountable for their actions. If you're spanking a child for some wrong doing, you're teaching them to be terrified, rather than take ownership because it's actually the right thing to do.

I guess I'm just saying there has to be a better way, but I'm also not a parent so I don't know.

SnakeBoop · Answer

Depends on the punishment. Telling them off for trying to run into a busy road at 4 years old... great stuff, tell them!
But like locking them in a room with spikes everywhere because they didn't wash the dishes? Yeah no.

modeve · Answer

Punishment should be the last method. Children need to be taught manners, discipline and walking on right paths by affection, love and keeping in mind their psychology.

CaliGirlBH · Answer

I think you need to let children know everyone is responsible for their own actions. If you do something that isn't right then you will be punished.
Time out is great for small children, older kids maybe take away something such as a tablet, game, or TV. I just feel it's needed to show children you will be help responsible for your decisions through life.

Adam1978 · Answer

Depends you need to use both the carrot and some kind of punishment. To form the kids behavior to an working individual for society. First you need to learn them the rules and expectations. Not until they know can you punish them for not following them. And don't go crazy with rules if you have to punish them all the time your clearly doing something wrong.

Rachel794 · Answer

There’s punishing children and then there’s gaslighting and abusing them. The first is good and will teach them respect and keep them from being entitled and spoiled. The second makes them question their worth even when they’re not doing anything wrong.

HOAAH · Answer

I think a slap on the but once or twice a day is ok. No hitting the head or face, and no weapons, only hands. I also think putting them in a secluded area like outside, in the bathroom or garage you know, some place safe where they are not trying to harm themselves or someone else for a bit until their anger goes away is ok. I used to be locked outside the house for an entire day for dirtying my sister's clothes.

t-8900 · Answer

I needed it for good reason. I only respect strength and "I save my respect for those who can hurt me" initially. I can gain respect for others through their conduct. But first encounters I do instinctively size up your physical capabilities. Call it whatever you like. I grew up in a bad neighborhood. Only people that got respect around their were people who could throw down at a moments notice or were always strapped.

Razp_Sorbet · Answer

Of course they have to learnt that everything they do (bad) has a consequence. It can be quite time, taking away a privilege (toy, tablet, phone, video game, tv), or simply a talking to. (not yelling at)

Hitting your kid isn't punishment. It's abuse.

pleasestopthis · Answer

Of course. You're not doing children a favor when you avoid disciplining them; it's the opposite. Children need to learn boundaries when they're still young, so their behavior will be acceptable as they grow up.
By discipline I don't mean kick the crap out of your kid when you're angry, but a few slaps in the butt when they've gone overboard isn't a terrible thing.

Juan_Curious · Answer

If punishing them is in the context of very specific rules that you also follow, not only them, and does not include violent acts against them, then indeed it is a very educative approach.
The problem is that many parents (the majority? Perhaps) punish their children when they are bothered by them and not as a medium to teach them.

Flower7 · Answer

A small bit of punishment is okay but nothing that would be traumatizing to the child. And no spanking.

noohair · Answer

I would always talk to my daughter like she was an adult from the start. We discussed how she could gain or lose privileges. She responded in a positive way.

NathanDavis · Answer

I've been using a different approach, no punishments required... seems to be working so far... I'll update this comment in four years from now, to see how it all went

genericname85 · Answer

The point isn't to punish children. The point is to encourage favorable behavior that will help your child in the future and to discourage behavior that will be to it's own or the families detriment.

For me, punishment is an act of hate with the intend to harm, not to help.

FunkyMonkee · Answer

If nothing else, it teaches them that they CAN'T get away with everything they do and that there ARE consequences to the things they do!

Anonymous · Answer

Children need to be taught right from wrong, and that actions have consequences.

You can punish children without ever hitting them.

My nephew has a PS4 that is his pride and joy and punishment is taking away his PS4 privileges.

The nuclear deterrent is that all of his Fortnite character skins and loot will be deleted because his account will be wiped by his parents. There's no recovering from that, so far as he knows.

Luopio27 · Answer

In society, there are huge double standards in raising children. There are so many cases were high ranking government officials, business men, shrinks, psychiatrics, lawyers, judges and many mire professionals profit from peoples failures.

This world is so money focusd that it blinds us all.

Gt68hgt · Answer

SPANK THOSE BRATS. i dont give a damn what libtarded things people say. I was mostly NOT spanked and i was also spoiled and i am an adult and i see its bad.

Now dont take your anger out on kids thats horrible. Punishment isn't always overboard. Parents who dont punish i think are lazy and do not give a fuck about their kids...

ChiPaPa · Answer

There's an extent that physical punishment should be illegal or wrong. Shoving your kid's hands in boiling water, hitting them til they get welts, etc is child abuse. However, there is an extent that punishment should be acceptable. Spanking if done as a deterrent and used only when absolutely needed can help. I was spanked only once. Usually, the removal of privileges was enough. A child shouldn't be allowed to walk all over their parents.

RawIronhide · Answer

Negative reinforcement such as taking toys away teaches them that bad Behavior causes you to loose privileges. That's how society is so I believe it's most practical and effective.

OnTheLevel · Answer

There are two ways to encourage the behavior you want out of children. You can reward good behavior or punish bad behavior. Usually a combination of the two is most effective. If all you do is reward good behavior, what it's your response when a child does something wrong? How does the child learn the behavior is wrong?

EnglishEuropean · Answer

Punishments are one way that kids learn. Kids remember when they are punished so as long as the punishment is clearly associated with the problem behaviour it's a very effective way of changing behaviour. Use it sparingly but consistently.

I hope I don't need to add that punishments should never be cruel or unusual, and should always be proportionate.

Apulu_3 · Answer

I don't think beating a child is good. Punishment should be there to keep the child in discipline but if the child is punished not knowing what wrong he/she have done then it is of no use. It is better to speak out than to beat for punishment.

Kiss_Me · Answer

yes.
I do believe that positive reinforcement works best. Give the Child NOTHING. They earn toys, play time, and treats for completing assigned task or acting in an appropriate manner.

They will learn it pays to win, and act accordingly.

Laura456 · Answer

Punishments are fine as long as they're not physical and there are boundaries like how far you go. I have no idea. Anyone who has kids are brave because it's a big responsibility.

loves2learn · Answer

No. Punishing is not the right approach. Gentle discipline and natural consequences is much more humane and effective.

007kingifrit · Answer

its very important to punish children. notice that spoiled rich kids with no punishment have the highest suicide rate and the greatest need for activism because they have o sense of purpose.

LinaDaGoddess · Answer

Yes because if not they grow up thinking they’re entitled to whatever they want & everyone has to do what they say.

cosmicallyinclined · Answer

if you’re gonna “punish” your kids by beatings, don’t have kids. YOU chose to bring them into this world. they owe you nothing and you owe them everything.

Anonymous · Answer

You've got to punish kids. If you don't provide any sort of discipline they'll end up brats who can't function properly in the real world

Anonymous · Answer

Yeah, because kids turn out really well when they get their way all the time and everyone else makes special arrangements for them so their feelings aren’t hurt. It prepares them for the real world where every person you meet walks on eggshells around you so that your feelings are never hurt.

Cutiepiee · Answer

there would be consequences but not hitting or anything not even spanking. i would talk to the child. not like my dad he used to hit me everytime i made a mistake and still does that but my mom talks to me when i do mistakes and i find it better so.

Ukrainianbuddafly · Answer

Uh yes.. it is the right approach. Now HOW we punish them the most effective way is the question.

cryscrys1 · Answer

Never punish a child if you do I’ll find you and punish you in a way that you will get to chose remove your eyes or you chop your limbs

lightbulb27 · Answer

it's a tool, but minize it. before it goes communication, discipline, guidance, reinforcement, encouragement, ...

Wester1967 · Answer

No. It manufactures low self esteem nazis. That’s why you see these nutball freaks with no friends on this site who support it. See Alice Miller Daniel Mackler and RD Liang

MisteryMe · Answer

As long as it doesn't cross the line into abuse, punishment is necessary to teach a child that there's consequences to their action.

Massageman · Answer

Rewards- or no punishment for PROPER behavior- would be preferable. But every once in awhile, you DO have to get their attention.

IesusHominumSalvator · Answer

Sometimes is necessary the physical punishment, specially if your son is becoming a drug addict or a lesbian.

Babygirl_S · Answer

I think beating up children is bad. Other forms of disciplining a child are essential so they become better persons.

clampfan101 · Answer

It’s about what you do and how you do it. Helping them understand what they did wrong, why it was wrong, and how to stop.

Is punishing children the right approach?

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Is punishing children the right approach?

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