So its like your mother or father having a 3rd cousin they where very close to and they almost think that close connection is universal. But people need realize that close connections are not universal in a family. You can't expect your kid to have the same connection to your 3rd cousin when they don't know them or never had the opportunity to build a connection. Also people need to realize that people do change with time. So the family member they have a strong connection to might not be the same family member you end up meeting.
For example I know my mother loves her sister and they have a strong connection. But I never spent much time with her growing up or in general. So we never built a connection between us. Also she got heavily into meth and it has caused a lot of issues in the family. Due to that she my meth head aunt and I'm not going to attempt to make any kind of connection between her and I at this point. My mother might want me to reach out and attempt to be nice. But the sister she knows and has a connection to isn't the same person I know and have no connection to.
Very true. My mother and I are a lot alike, as in personality disorders. I thinks she’s a bit narcissistic. Every relationship she has I have to care about.
If it were me I just asked her why she's upset that I'm not all depressed over a total stranger.
If she says that person isn't a stranger then I'd ask her when was the last time I saw her.
Then I'd ask her if she expects me to know his hobbies his hopes his ambitions what he eats for breakfast and what his favorite Mario kart character is after I haven't seen him in 10 years.
Then she would complain and get mad and I would tell her that he is by all means a stranger to me and there are tons of people I'm related to who I don't know and she doesn't know and they die and she doesn't get depressed over them and why is that... because she doesn't know them!
Then when she tries to say blood is thicker than water I'd say the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb
You're mom is being a Karen. You have your rights as human being if you don't want to cry and just enjoy life and have fun life is already depressed with this whole covid pandemic shit yet your mom wants you to be crying and all sad over a person your weren't even close with you didn't even build a relationship from what I can tell no contact or seen for the past 10 years. Live life have fun enjoy. Look that person is dead inside a casket in the cemetery , What if you cry is that supposed to bring the corpse back to life? Tell your crazy mom it is what it is and their is nothing we can do to bring this person back to life. The world keeps spinning life goes on still it's not the end of the world! Just another dead person that's all.
I know of a guy we called "sporty" and I saw him... once. I didn't like him nor dislike him, I was a kid when I met him. He died because death took him under the water and didn't let go.
When my mom told me, I couldn't give a damn. Why? Well... I can't? I think after my dog died, i learned death of a loved one can be at ANY time. Soo whatever time we spent, hope it was good. Because it's over now.
I think it's unrealistic for her to expect you to have sentiments for someone you haven't been bonding with for 10 years. At the same time, it depends who it may be. I think it is because you are an adult that she expected you to be a bit more sympathic towards the situation. It's not like it's the same for a child who didn't grow up with a relative and automatically wouldn't feel anything for them, and thus shouldn't be held accountable for. That may explain why your mom is upset about it. I can be wrong though.
All in all, I think that at the age of 38, you're adult enough to make your own stance and decision to whom you feel for and to whom you don't. In that regard, she has no right to decide that for you.
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Anonymous
(45 Plus)
+1 y
It's not about being "right", I think your mom just doesn't relate. Everyone handles grief differently, on top of different people and circumstances. So for her, it's different. Some people think others should or are the same way and that's simply not the case. Who knows, it might "hit" you a week, month, year later? Or, maybe not at all being that you weren't that close? She just can't relate that's all and wrapped up in her own feelings likely. But mentally she should know this about people. Maybe just isn't thinking about it right now?
Death is something we all share. Being upset about it doesn't help you or the dead. In fact, avoidance of death is detrimental to salvation. You can start by being there for the dead. If you think you're just going to turn off like a light switch that's your choice, but I believe that we continue without beginning or end and that this life is so very, very brief that it's ridiculous not to think about what happens when it's over.
If your mother is close to this relative, I understand her reaction. People are irrational when they get emotional. Someone is dying. Discussing what's right or wrong is not what you should be doing.
If she's like some people I've known it's just an act. She thinks that being upset/showing emotion makes her better than you but it's not even a really deep feeling that she has. Maybe in her mind it's a real thing but watch her get over it real fast.
If you're not mourning this person and you haven't seen this person in 10 years, then you don't have an emotional attachment, but your mom certainly does. You can't fake grief.
I mean neither of you are in the RIGHT, but it's okay to not be too upset about a relative you were never close with/ didn't really know, just as long as you're still aware that your mum might be upset and you should be sensitive to that
the older people get, the more close minded and ignorant they typically become. she fails to understand that her views / perspective don't represent the world. we all have different perspectives. my mother is the same as yours
You're right, but if she's upset it's the considerate thing to do to say sorry for her loss, etc all the usual blabber and be there for her a bit more, as you would if your friend lost someone.
So what it's not the end of the world! If someone is dead it's dead it is what it's is and there is nothing we can do life still goes on the world keeps spinning. Being deal it's just another dead person.
@Alwayreckles93 You're viewing this completely wrong, yes they're dead and have no impact on the world anymore but if it is effecting a loved one, it the right thing to do to respect that loved one. If my grandma dies, I'd think good riddance, I hate that woman, despite that if my mums upset and needs comforting, it is the right thing to do to apologise for her loss.
If you cannot understand others emotions, thought processes, grieving patterns, pscyhological coping mechanisms etc, and adapt to the situation and social cues, then you're lacking severely in empathy and being able to understand you dont have to agree with people to help them.
I mean what do you want this poor guy to do? Fake lie and pretend he is sad? Do you want him to just sit in a corner and cry? He has every right to enjoy life and have fun not think negative.
Both right you should feel a little sorrow but not be torn up about it, I’m sure other members of your family remember the dead relative finally and you barely know him so both sides are understandable
Crazy world we live in where our own loved ones could be upset at us for not suffering. So I think she's fully in the wrong since there wouldn't be any issues without her presence.
Well, if you cannot fake emotions what else is she expecting you to do. You haven't seen this person in 10 years and were not close to them is perfectly understandable that you don't feel much about them passing away.
If you don't really know the person it doesn't matter if they're related to you, their suffering is not going to hit you the same as someone close to you.
Always, always, always... give emotional support to your upset Mother... Obviously, she was Upset, and you said "so what?" you sound like a self-centered ass... I would have Slapped You
People morn in their own way... I did not get upset at my fathers death. I can morn the loss without getting mad about it.
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Anonymous
(36-45)
+1 y
your mother's a whackjob. it's fine to respect the loss of a human life but to grieve over someone you hardly know and haven't seen in over 10 years is foolish
The fact that we’re having this discussion with internet strangers while the same would not occur to many people we would consider older should answer that question. More people than ever in human history are cutting off relationships with their toxic family members because it’s economically and socially possible in ways even one generation ago could not have thought of.
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