Is he okay or I'm worrying too much?

[Anonymous]

He is a very good friend of mine. We met online. No it's not an online dating thing. Yeah at first we felt attraction but we talked and got to know each other so much, told each other our deepest thoughts. He's in pain though. Been through a lot, a civil war, fleeing his country to end up a refugee in another, but he's settled now and gotten himself a good life. We talked a lot at first but he started disappearing a lot. I felt bad at first but I am now used to it. He tells me he suffers from extreme ptsd, depression and headaches and so many more things. He does a slow fade like he replies hours late then a day late and then goes totally offline for a month, I assume he deletes the app because don't know if someone doesn't use internet on their phones for a whole month, I maybe wrong. He comes back exactly a month later and tells me he goes through bad episodes of depression. I try to be a good friend and listen to him. Like the other day he asked me for a picture of what I was doigg and I sent one and asked him if I can see him since it's been a while. He didn't wanna send me a photo, (which was okay and I've seen him before) he said something suddenly triggered in his mind and he was feeling depressed. I think he should see a therapist. But he says if he goes to one they'll make him tell him secrets from the war that he fought and he'll be prosecuted. Is that true? Can you avoid telling your therapist some details? I think he needs help but also I don't know if he's just faking it since he doesn't have a problem hooking up with random women.
I've since deleted the app since he left me worried thinking he's gonna kill himself and then wouldn't even give me anything else to know how to reach him if he's offline.
This is so stupid.

[WonderBell99]

He has been through a lot.. escaping a civil war is not a simple thing. You can just be a good friend and provide him with emotional support.

How does him having depression, PTSD etc have anything to do with one night stands with random women?

You are not a trained medical professional, so you cannot do much except to be a shoulder to cry on. He does need a therapist, if not, I don’t think he can get better. Bottling up negative emotions never ends well. You don’t know his triggers, so don’t say anything. Just listen to him.

If he is suicidal, you have to direct him to a suicide hotline. You should NOT give him any advice.

I can understand how his emotions may affect you. I’ve been there - have had friends who were depressed. My ex had clinical depression and anxiety. It’s not a easy job. If this is affecting you, you need to step out for a bit and concentrate on yourself. If he’s not willing to see a therapist, it’s his issue, not yours. You can’t be his therapist.

[WonderBell99]

**not an easy job**

[Asker]

No he told me he has sex when he gets too frustrated or doesn't wanna think about the other things.
I also have clinical depression and anxiety. I try my best to say kind words and let him vent. I really care about him as a friend. He isn't suicidal but he said something like he wishes it was him who caught the bullet and not his friend.
I just pray that he finds a way out of his feelings of emptiness.

[WonderBell99]

Some people who are heavily into depression, do some things often to avoid the “numb” feeling. For some people it may be sex, for some it may be video games, masturbation, social media, picking fights with strangers online, doing drugs, alcohol etc. A lot of people I’ve met with depression had one thing in common: addictions and/ unhealthy coping mechanisms. One guy I knew drank heavily, did drugs, got into fights and was addicted to sex. He is most probably hooking up with women to avoid feeling sad or depressed. It makes him feel “numb” and indifferent to everything if that makes sense.

[WonderBell99]

He needs a therapist, he seems too cynical and scared of therapists. Is he still in Russia/Ukraine? If he’s in a country where there’s no war now, he can find a good therapist there. Unless he has done something illegal, he’s good.

[Asker]

He escaped from north Africa to northern Europe. He's now in the best place he could be. He escaped as a refugee but he said he did some bad things, as in fought for the side that lost. I think the situation is more complicated than I'm assuming. Anyway, he's vanished again. I can't reach him any other way to know if he's alright. But hoping he is.

[WonderBell99]

He needs therapy. This war must have taken a toll on him. It is not healthy to bottle up emotions.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink the water. You already seem to have enough on your plate. I can understand that you really care about him as a friend, but what can you do? You’re lending him a ear, you’re patient, kind and caring. If he’s not willing to take your advice and meet with a therapist, it’s his problem.

[Asker]

Yeah that's what I need go understand. There's nothing really I can do for him, neither does he seem to want me to help him. I'm gonna try to not invest myself in him.

[Asker]

Thank you for your kind response :)

[WonderBell99]

Exactly.. you’re a kind person and you obviously do care about him, but what I’ve learnt from friendships or just relationships in general is that you shouldn’t invest your time or energy in someone who isn’t taking your advice. I’ve been in your place, not this exact scenario, but somewhat similar to this and when I cut off contact with him I realized how stupid I was. You can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change. You can’t fix him, Asker. Only he can. And you have to stop seeing him as a broken puppy who needs help

[WonderBell99]

He does need help, that’s for sure.. but you cannot help him in any way. Please don’t forget about yourself or hurt yourself in the process of “fixing” him. I don’t want to see myself in you.

[WonderBell99]

Or what I used to be.. because I was in a terrible place at that time because of what I did (trying to help) and I don’t want that for you

[WonderBell99]

You don’t need to cut ties with him, but don’t waste your energy on him.. take a break, try not to think about him

[Asker]

I wouldn't But he pretty much cut ties with me. But I'm getting busy with my career now, hopefully I'll stop wondering about him as much.

[Asker]

Also I hope you're doing much better now :)

[WonderBell99]

That is a wonderful idea, Asker. I’m glad that you’re concentrating on yourself… that’s important

[WonderBell99]

Thank you.. finals are going on, so I’m a tad stressed. My depressive episodes are kicking back in, but I’ll manage.

I wish you only the best. Good luck and tons of hugs 💛