My father keeps giving excuses as to why he didn't raise me. Who should I believe?

Question

I was raised by a single mother. She claims it was because my father was physically and verbally abusive. So she packed up and ran away.

I do have memories of my father pushing me even tho I had to be a year or 2 years old.

Anyway I'm 30 now. And he got out of jail and well I wanted answers.
Because all he ever cries about is how my mother "took" me from him.

That everytime he looked for me she had a restraining order on him and he constantly got arrested. But when I ask why he claims he has "NO IDEA". That "ITS YOUR MOTHER'S FAULT YOU GREW UP WITHOUT A FATHER. I TRIED"

it makes me angry he doesn't know why at all in 1 million years why she would call the cops or have a restraining order.

Guys I don't know you. You don't know me. But I grew up homeless my whole childhood. I worked to provide for my mother and I feel angry he's saying I wouldn't have had to go through all that

When I met him at 12 years old. And he never took an active part of my life then. He just kept saying u guys kept disappearing.

Your mother kept u away from me. Like I don't know. I feel like I don't think either of them are worth sh! t. But jeez if he admitted I abused ur mother it was my fault I hit her and made her afraid for her life.

Because honestly who cares what their issues were they could hate each other and could have raised me co parent. But somebody is lying to me. And im angry. And upset. And mad at myself for feeling this way.

When I asked him for him and my mother and I to sit together I want answers he says no. So now I just feel upset at myself.

Wsx2wsx2ws · Accepted Answer

This touches a personal nerve. It makes me sick to my stomache to have to dig this pain back up and share it. So please read this carefully and take it seriously.
I am going to do my best to help you understand.
My x did this to me. Now let you know something I did not at the time. She was abused/molested before I married her. He father told me this AFTER we divorced... Thanks a lot. Really good timing. So before she divorced me she started all this wild accusations that I had no defense against. Everyone was believing her and I would get blasted out of the blue with stuff I never heard of/ never thought of, never did.
So she runs off with our daughter and starts telling her I abused her. I almost never got to see her. The few times I did my x would turn around and call the police and say I molested our daughter. All to keep me from seeing her. I demanded a lie detector test and passed with ease. The police began to see what was happening. She took me to court several times but the judge started to see it too and began to speak quite harsh to her. All my friends she slandered me too started to see as well.
Through all this I refused to retaliate or say a harsh word. I would only speak to a confidential friend about how painful this was. It was killing me not to see our little girl. It was killing her too.
I finally had to move away just for her sake and mine.

I could go in but... I actually can't. It is absolutely wrong to deny a child the right to both parents. And to deny the parents right to see the child. It is evil. And that is what many of my friends called my X. Many of them are divorced and they did very well with child custody. So I know it can and does happen quite amicably between divorced mates.
So girl I strongly recommend you give your dad an ear. You listen to his side. and regardless of the past, even if he was bad then, you give him the now on. You work to the future.

SteveSmith1985 · Accepted Answer

This was absolutely gut-wrenching to read. I am so sorry you've been dealt such a difficult hand in life. I cannot even imagine the struggles your childhood must've contained.

I can absolutely understand why you would be angry and upset. Please don't be mad at yourslf for feeling that way! I think that anybody in your situation would be angry and want answers too.

I do have a "take" on your situation. Like I have a "theory" as to who might be lying to you. But, I don't really think it's appropriate for me to say anything... because... it's really just like "a guess". I don't think I have enough information to be confident in my 'guess'.

More importantly, this is some extremely serious shit. I feel it's not my place to start accusing somebody's parent of this-that-and-the-other... because what the fuck do I know? I would feel horrible if I led you down an incorrect path on this particular question. If you really want to hear the non-educated guess of a stranger, I will tell you what I think, but not without making sure you really want it! But... surely you see what I'm saying? This is too important for me to be wrong about, then having you thinking false things about a parent.

I would however really like to chat with you. Shoot me a message if you'd like. (No pressure) 🙂

Child_Of_Dust · Accepted Answer

I think you have a right to be angry. Both of your parents failed you and starved you of the sort of raising you would have liked to have. At the same time, you can't stay bitter because it will hold you back and you eventually need to look ahead, move forward, desire to build a better future for yourself, and not fall into the same trap as your parents.

Your mom, obviously doesn't have the wisdom in choosing really great guys. The question is why? I suspect her background may have also been rough around the edges and she dated what was familiar to her, but not what would make a good father.

Your dad sounds like a liar and a manipulator. I wouldn't trust him. As soon as someone plays the "I don't know game" with a restraining order -> Red flag! He isn't being honest. He is putting the blame on your mom. He isn't admitting to being an abuser. He may also not classify abuse for what it is, which is how he is playing the innocent card. This could be because he was raised in an abusive family where such actions were deemed 'okay' when it is not.

I think it would be useful for you to look up gas lighting. Manipulation. How psychopaths fool their partners. This will teach you how to detect when someone is lying or covering up their story at your expense. Also study the abuse cycles of how its passed down families. If you can get these things straight, it will help you filter the good guys from the bad when you are dating and looking for a future man. You don't want to repeat what your parents did. Break the cycle!!!

midnightmoon05 · Accepted Answer

We will never know the truth. There are always two sides to a story. At some point.. we have to leave the past to the past. We can’t hold onto the things we can’t control. Forgive your parents. You become better for your own children. Make sense?
The real truth… many are the victims of the society. Don’t let it pull us down more. Raise above to become better.
I too become a single mom when my husband decided to end the marriage. I was devastated. I refused to go to court. I went… they said the law is call no fault divorce. Since then I gave up hope there will any proper family for my kids.
Took le
some time
to regain my ability to raise my kids with the love forgiveness to my ex. I called him regularly to update kids and ask how they are when with him… after hard work, rebuild trust… my kids are in an amazing place…
we are both remarried.
when we can look past and make the best of what we have… we can love again and be success again for ourselves and the children of our future.
xoxo

zovizonn · Answer

It's hard to look at a situation when you're covered in feelings. Try to think objectively and with 'facts'.
To me this seems heavily weighted on one fact, your mother always ran, never giving him a chance to explain.
If he really has been in jail for so long, it's no wonder he's mad that you had to live like that if he could have provided.
Your mom better have some real good paperwork and evidence that he was abusive. If your mom can't justify everything, then she's the one you should be mad at for forcing you to live like that.

Growing up always living with my mom, I got this impression that my dad was a terrible person. It's easy to hate or have an opinion of something you don't understand.
What solved my problem was just sitting down and getting to know the guy.

Not sure if everything I've typed above is correct, it's a little complicated for me, but take this. Be objective, sit down with them (maybe 1 on 1) and get the full story, don't believe either of them.

bamesjond0069 · Answer

When the mother is abusive to the father and has the police and court involved often the father needs to step back and move on. Do you expect him to constantly go to jail just to see you? Have tons of court costs such that he's forced to be homeless? he's just a man and can only do what he can do.

Any parent that completely removes you from the other is the fucked up one. Your mom did make a baby with him so she was just fine with him then.

Also there's hardly any situation where men just come home and the wife says "hi honey i got steaks about ready clean up and then come for dinner" and husband then punches her in the face. Just think about that logically. Does this sound very likely? Usually to get a man to punch a woman its more likely he comes home and she starts verbally harassing him. In his face "you're NOT A MAN you're A POS. YOU DONT MAKE ENOUGH MONEY. I CAN DO BETTER. YOU KNOW JOHN? WELL HMM 😉 thats all im saying. he's a real man. YOUR NOT" Then he punches her in the face. Not saying its right but it does not take place in a vacuum.

Im leaning on you're mom being most fucked up or else she would have at least let y'all be together sometimes. Since she wants full removal of him from your life she's in the wrong.

sage2021 · Answer

My father abandoned us when I was 4 years old. He always had our address's. He started a new family which got all of his attention and money. He didn't pay child support but swears to me that he did pay it - he's lying to my face. I've only seen the man a hand full of times in my life.
So, my father DID know where I was, but wouldn't be a part of my life, and rarely visited me, even as I was an adult.
I'm not sure which is worse. To have a father who claims he couldn't get to you, or like mine; who always had my address (and still does) but didn't give a crap about me. Because that really hurt me all of my life.
Take care,
Fatherless daughter 🌹

Smoke-n-Growls · Answer

Your mother is probably right.

Y'know, good fathers who genuinely want to be in their kids' lives don't reject family therapy. They also don't push 2 yo kids, or make the mother feel so threatened she needs to take out restraining orders.

Give up on your father. Find father figures and male rolemodels elsewhere.

It sucks you had to support your mother and work from so early, but reconnecting with your abusive father won't bring you relief.

Just focus on you, on healing, and on making your life something kid you would enjoy. It's too late for your father to help you, but not too late for you to help yourself.

cloud9vortex1234 · Answer

I was reading through your replies on here and you said he took you out of the country when he was sharing custody with your mother. If you live in the U. S. then that's kidnapping and is probably the reason he lost custody of you. That was a dumb move on his part and anybody with a brain should know that unless he was looking for a reason not to see you. I try to give fathers the benefit of the doubt because the court does favor the mother, but this is too obvious. Does he even acknowledge that was a mistake?

Sincerly_KittyCat · Answer

No excuses. Everything shouldve been handle through court if he had wanted to be part of your life. If your mother took you without both of them agreeing, he couldve filed a police report. The next thing is that he has no excuse to ending up on jail unless he was framed for an offence.

jbobbio57 · Answer

Certainly don't you be upset with yourself , you did nothing wrong. sounds he has -had anger issues. he could of helped financially or been there some how. I lost my dad at a young age and luckily my mom is still with us. live your life , make memories, be healthy and happy

annabananna · Answer

Honestly it could have been that she kept the father from you and possibly for good reason or maybe not for good reason. I don’t know them. I think the best thing for you to do is accept that it was the past and you probably won’t get the answer you’re looking for. If you want a relationship maybe spend the time now getting to know him for who he is now. I know it hurts and it’s hard to do but there’s a lot of answers in life that we won’t get the answers to.

Anonymous · Answer

My parents are the same. But neither will admit its their fault.
My father isn't in prison but in your case, he has obviously done the wrong thing many times and won't take responsibility.

By the sounds of it your mother might be partly right but isn't telling the full story.

My father was mentally unfit off the rails but he never directly abused me but my mother made me cease contact but I did make that decision sort of myself as it just made my life easier. My mother blames my father for all my family's failures but won't admit she fucked up multiple times.

I re met my father last month he was polite but I felt so much hate. My brother is renting his house for cheap and he helps him as he has a disability.

Man-O-Metal · Answer

You should feel very proud of yourself. Not a lot of people in your situation have the courage to try and search for the right answers. I can’t tell you anything as far as who to believe. I just don’t know enough about either parent. But what I can tell you is this. You are entitled to the truth and if you want to keep digging I say go for it.

Staximus · Answer

There comes a point in your life when you realize that your parents were not perfect and you have to come to terms with it. It may make you angry and you may want answers or explanations for things that happened in the past, but in the end you have to not get stuck dwelling on it and continue living your own life.

ChillaxingLove · Answer

Nothing makes me more angry then a man who refuses to take care of his child and then makes excuses rather then admitting he messed up, at least that I can sympathize with, but not someone who can’t at least take up responsibility for his screw ups.

baserunner611 · Answer

To both listen to, but add gram salt with the story.

fred_durst · Answer

meh , i dont like people who are good at making excuses , they have too much ego to admit they are wrong

RuthlessAggression · Answer

If he wanted no part of your life after he fucked your mom, why do you want to be a part of his

My father keeps giving excuses as to why he didn't raise me. Who should I believe?

Most Helpful Opinions

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said