Racist In-Laws?

[Anonymous]

My in laws are *generally* nice people. Like... I think they have good intentions. But their racial bias and ignorance is such a sore area in my marriage. I'm part Asian but was born in the US. My in laws basically reduce me to an uncultured savage. My methods are "not the same" therefore, I'm "different". It must be noted, my in laws are conservative right, politically and religiously.

I have a four year education and I work a full time career while my wife stays at home. My parent and sibling in laws often make back handed comments about me being a "bat eater" or I support "lead in kids' toys". Whenever I confront them about it, they simply say I'm "too sensitive" and they weren't "talking to me".

I do pretty much everything in our marriage- cooking, dishes, cleaning the house. My wife never lifts a finger. My mother in law praises her daughter's keeping a clean home and tells all her friends how amazing they raised their daughter. Whatever, I don't care. But whenever I express discontent or even sternness over their antics, my mother in law threatens to "turn me in" and me an "controlling husband and father", despite working very hard and doing many activities with my children. My wife doesn't really do much about it. She just listens to them and tells me "it's the way it is, you can't change it".

I hate it. I don't know what to do.

Updates

1 y

After another racial insult via the family text chain tonight, i talked to my wife and asked her to make some changes. Obviously they dont care what I say. I need it to come from her or our marriage is doomed.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry to hear that you're dealing with racism and prejudice from your in-laws. It's important to remember that their behavior is not a reflection of your worth or value as a person, and that you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity.

It's understandable that you feel frustrated and unsupported by your wife and in-laws. It may be helpful to have a frank and honest conversation with your wife about how their behavior is affecting you and your marriage. It's important for her to understand the impact of her family's behavior on your well-being and your relationship.

If your wife is unwilling or unable to address the issue with her family, it may be helpful to seek support from a therapist or counselor who can help you develop strategies for coping with the situation and communicating your needs effectively. It may also be necessary to set boundaries with your in-laws and limit your interactions with them if they continue to behave in a racist or disrespectful manner.

Remember that you have the right to stand up for yourself and your values, and to surround yourself with people who treat you with kindness and respect.

[Gingerbread_GB]

IF you want to sustain this marriage, that's a big IF, the key is your wife.

You have to make it clear to her that this is seriously affecting your marriage. Your in-laws may never change, and there's nothing you can do about it. But your wife can control them, make them at least not insult you in your face. You can also talk to her about minimizing contact with your in-laws.

Another part of the issue you mentioned is that your wife supposedly doesn't do any house chores. That's a separate issue you have to work out with her.

By the way you are describing it, they are just using you as a servant, not a family member. So you have to think about how did you get here in the first place. What were the things that made her attractive to you in the first place? Where did those things go?

In the end, if you can't fix it, make an exit. You did not mention any children. It's much simpler to get out of a relationship if there are no children involved.

[Anonymous]

I feel like it’s an obvious question, but why marry into that? Surely this behavior was demonstrated while you two were dating and up until you proposed. I understand loving someone can make you tolerate or overlook a few issues, but this one is just too much. I’m also a person of color, so I understand where you’re coming from and I also feel extremely surprised you’d be with someone who passively allows such horrific treatment of someone she’s supposed to love without defending you. That isn’t real love and I’d never be with someone who sat by and watched that happen, dismissing it as “the way it is”. Screw that, she’s complicit. Maybe even just a user, marrying a man who entirely takes care of her who wouldn’t want that.

[Asker]

Because i was young, dumb and horny i guess. I am commited to our marriage and family, but everyday is a struggle.

[Opinion Owner]

Honestly to me this surpasses a struggle and is just flat out disrespectful and unacceptable. I’d say talk to your wife about it but her reluctance to do so is super troubling. Since you’re committed though, I would go to her parents and be very firm. Tell them that they may see that shit as a joke but from your perspective it’s not acceptable, and until they learn to be mindful of you just as a human being then they aren’t allowed at your house. If your wife has any issue with that I wouldn’t even engage, for her to defend that is absolutely wrong.

[LazerBean]

Wow sucks for you. Too late now, just grin and bear it I suppose.