What the fuck is wrong with me?

[Anonymous]

I know the question is…weird but…

I love my family as a family but I also hate them so much.
You know those ‘roles’ in the family?
It comes from trauma. I personally think I’m the scapegoat. I always hate conflict, I just stay in my room and wait, I always ’flight’
And I hate myself for hating them…

Yeah they did so much bad things but am I awful for not forgiving them? (Not like they asked me to forgive them but you know)

They paid vacation in Mexico, Florida, paid prep school and electronic devices, Disneyland…try to make me happy but something is always wrong…

I sound awful. After all, much kids were grounded violently…some lived so much worse. How can I complain?
Maybe I’m just an ungrateful child who doesn’t know how to find happiness even if someone put it in front of my eyes…

I don’t know I just feel like my inner child is dying slowly and it hurts me…

Am I the problem?

Updates

+1 y

Maybe not the scapegoats but the lostchild:
Here’s a definition:
They expend all their energies trying not to get noticed by anyone.
This behavior is usually the result of neglect and abuse, where the child felt trapped and unable to escape. The lost child spends a great deal of time daydreaming, fantasizing, and creating worlds in her mind where she is happier than with her true family. They love to do solitary activities l

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

You’re guilty because you’re seeing it as an either/or situation rather than something much more complicated than that. My grandparents are objectively bad people: racist, bigoted, homophobic, etc. that doesn’t mean I wasn’t incredibly grateful to them for paying my way through college so I didn’t have to go back to work with student debt. People are complicated, that doesn’t mean their good actions undo the trauma and problems they cause with their bad actions. You are not required to forgive them, and even if you do forgive them it doesn’t mean you forget what they did and just pretend they’re someone else. They hurt you. You’re allowed to be angry at them for that. You’re also allowed to be sad and disappointed that your family will never be the people you want them to be. Forgiveness doesn’t mean “I think you’re a good person now and will allow you to continue your abusive behavior.” It means “I don’t want to hold on to these feelings anymore.”


You can still set boundaries with your family, you can keep your distance and still be angry with them for what they did. Forgiveness is not a requirement for keeping a relationship with them. It’s not even required to keep a relationship with them, you can go without them for the rest of your life if you want to, but it’s important to acknowledge that your family might not change who they are, even if you confronted them about it, and you can only really control how much you interact with them, not how they interact with you. You control only your own actions, not theirs. Take control and make the best decisions for your life.

[Mynameisbobby]

You're not a bad person. I think you feel bad because they gave you a lot but at the same time they make you the scapegoat which feels bad. Sounds like they gave you material things but not the emotional support you need. I too was the scapegoat for my mother and sister.