Dad won’t get over the fact I estranged my sister?

[Anonymous]

He keeps telling me it’s wrong to cut off family completely, but I’m tired of dealing with a person I don’t get along with and who is very jealous of me. I told him I don’t enjoy anything about my sister at all. Why can’t he understand this? He’s so angry I want nothing to do with my sister and her family. I thought long and hard about my choice and I’m sticking to it! Nothing about my interaction with my sister are positive so I said it’s time to move on. Why does my dad think it’s ok to be mistreated by family?

[abc3643]

I don't disagree with your position so I am not telling you to change it.

But, it is instinctive for a parent to want the family to be whole. I can't speak for women because my wife is definitely different than most women and her entire family is a dysfunctional family circus, but, for many mature males, there is a strong protective instinct regarding the safety of the family. This is deeply male.

Let me paraphrase slightly by quoting Lincoln because this might help...

"A house divided against itself cannot stand."

You and your sister being estranged is "the family divided". If the family is divided, then family members are not there for each other in the event of a crisis. It's a less safe condition for any family member. "United We Stand" isn't just a nice post-9/11 phrase, but a real concept: Union = strength. That's why you live in "the union" that is the United States; we became stronger and safer because the colonies united into a union.

Well, a family is a union and when there is estrangement in the family, that's like a civil war and that's not as good for the family as when there is harmony.

So, I am speaking for your father from a deeply male instinctive perspective. Many mothers feel this way too (not my wife).

I will leave you with this clip from very early in "The Godfather" because he speaks the truth...

https://www.youtube.com/embed/LvXbwLMg4zc

A man who doesn’t spend time with his family can never be a real man.

Anyway, again, I am not advocating for you to change (I am estranged from my own sister too.). But I am trying to explain that, at a deeply instinctive level, your father wants his family whole.

[abc3643]

Let me try to explain this in a more direct simpler way.

Every good instinctive parent is like this; especially fathers:
"My job is to protect my kids."
But, in the back of every parent's mind is:
"Who will protect my kids after I and my spouse are gone?"

When a family is whole and not dysfunctional, the father can rest a bit knowing that the siblings will look out for each other. When siblings are estranged, the answer to that question isn't so clear. Furthermore, siblings are always siblings. My child's spouse may be good for my child, but there's no guarantee they will be together forever and that something doesn't change. But siblings will always be siblings so, when the family is whole, they will always be there for each other.

On a tangent, this is also why father's are very leery about their potential sons-in-law.
The father's job is to protect his daughter.
When she marries, he is surrendering that job to another man, her husband. That is worrisome because no man thinks any other man can protect his family as well as him. And, given how precious a daughter is to a father, he is that much more of a hawk about potential suitors.

[Asker]

I’m not dealing personally with someone who is jealous of me.

[KrakenAttackin]

She is probably his favorite.