How do you make genuine friends?

[Anonymous]

I'm 28. I've never had a friend or partner. My parents didn't want me. My mother's boyfriend was molesting me and I told her about it and she told me I was a whore and it's the way he shows affection and not to ruin things for her. When he elevated that abuse to the r word i called the cops and she threw me out. my extended family didn't take me in so i was homeless as a kid. obviously that type of thing kept happening cuz that's what happens to homeless girls. i had two people i thought were friends at school but when i became homeless they both dropped me cuz they didn't wanna get dragged down by my situation. eventually a dude ten years older than me invited me to move in with him. obviously there was a price. i'm 28 now and i'm not homeless and i have a job and no one knows my story, but i still don't have friends. I still don't have a partner. I still don't fit in anywhere and I always have to pretend to be someone who isn't real because why would i tell anyone what happened to me. I want to change my name to get a fresh start but when i like a name my roommate makes fun of me and bullies me about the name until i change it to something else they keep bullying me for and it's an endless cycle. I don't have a thick skin about being bullied cuz it never stops. I'm not suicidal, I just feel cornered by everything in my life and I don't know how to build bridges without any cement for a foundation. How do I do that? Stick to a name when I know he's just gonna make me feel like shit about anything I come up with. And how do you make friends with normal people when every conversation is vapid and you have to pretend you're an identity that isn't real? I want a real life but nothing connects. I don't know how to "be." Everyone always thinks I'm too much when I'm toning down everything about myself and staying silent as a clam. It's a lot of work with no rewards and endless negative repercussions. How do you fit in and find people?

[DannyUk2017]

I can feel your pain... I was raised in the orphanage, when i grew up and thrown in to The World, i had the same issues, bullies, fights, couldn't fit in, would have felt more like Fight for Survival, so i guess that is what made me become an Sigma! I like/got used to be a Loner, a decision maker for myself... so now i'm more of a "machine" than human, but i don't mind... i don't have an "exoiration date" yet, but when it comes, it comes...🤷‍♂️😁

[DarkWinterNights]

I don’t want to psychoanalyze you, but it sounds like you dissociate by changing your name because you’re afraid to open up to people. And it sounds like you have good reason not to. I think you need to start by making better quality friends in better places. Have you tried donating your time at a shelter or soup kitchen? Maybe find a church if you’re religious? Meet some people networking or on meetup groups for hobbies you enjoy? It’s not much but it can be a start. Probably wouldn’t hurt if you have the ability to talk to a licensed therapist. They can be a great resource you work things out.

[Asker]

get your psych 101 20 minute course troglodyte pyramid scheme ass away from me. i don't do cults.

[DarkWinterNights]

My mistake. I was trying to help by giving you my opinion on a wide variety of different things you could try. You know, since this is a question and answer opinion site lol. Good luck! You clearly need it.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Don't focus on your past.

What do you want to do? What kind of lifestyle, hobbies, goals, etc do you want?

[Asker]

ah. the old join clubs and it'll happen organically. ye that hasn't worked. you get shallow acquaintances but they're never the sort to be people you hang out with outside of those groups. Even if you hit it off great with those people they tend to already have a wide enough circle that their roster of close friends is anchored in so nothing deeper seems to brew. Unless your theory is to network within their friend group and treat the first person more like a branch to climb to meet more people in general. That's not a terrible idea. How do you get invitations to bigger events though? I find myself falling into a lot of one-on-one scenarios and those only lend so much opportunity.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Thats actually not what I was specifically implying, though I suppose that step would come after in some form, and yes networking by branching out is almost required, but it can be very hard to find relevant branches... I'm not sure about invitations to events, all my socializing is done online and I don't really go to large social gatherings because they stress me out.

I was merely saying that in order to find genuine friends, you need to focus on doing things you enjoy long enough to know what type of person you are, and thus what type of friends to seek out.

If you focus on your past and all the negative things that happened, you can lose sight of who you are as a person, and that makes making friends or finding a loved one much harder, because relatability is important when it comes to forming a bond with someone.

As for what to do after you know what you want to do and have in life? well, it really depends on what you want to do and have. I'm having a hard time myself finding genuine friends or a spouse, and I also have less than kind parents, but I'm obsessed with my goals and aspirations and dream life, and I don't really think about my past much.

So what is it that you want? What kind of person are you, and what kind of person is your ideal friend?

[jahaims]

You have to be vulnerable

[Emanon25]

We can be friends

[Anonymous]

Are you saying you never dated