I don’t know what to do about this, I’m so hurt right now. If I’m being too emotional do let me know.
So it started when we spoke about something that’s happening in the world right now, a very touchy topic. I was texting him about it and he told me his boss told him something else that was on some internet articles that were later proven false, but I already knew it was false just from the way it sounded. I did start to lightly disrespect his boss because I didn’t appreciate those claims that can be seen as offensive for my group of people.
So from then on, he has been talking to his boss about it and what I’m saying (he didn’t tell him what I said about his boss, just my views on the situation). I had no idea he was telling his boss about my views. I know it’s because he wanted to learn more about what’s happening so he was sharing information, it was innocent and that’s fine. Two days ago he kind of blew up and told me that me and his boss are having it out for each other and he doesn’t want to be in the middle. He told me his boss thinks I’m against a certain group of people, so that I'm bigoted and has accused that of me. Im literally not, and I asked my best friend why his boss said that and he said he doesn’t know why and doesn’t understand it either. That he told him I'm not etc. I’m ngl I'm really offended that someone who doesn’t know me and just heard my stance on something has accused that of me, I did get emotional and accuse his boss of being against my group of people for even making that claim against me. My best friend told me he doesn’t want to talk about his boss with me anymore.
So today, I spoke about that same topic again, and my best friend told me he rather not talk about it anymore, I asked him if he was still talking about it with his boss and he is. That’s when my best friend told me to stop mentioning him and told me he’d choose his boss over me if it came down to it, so let it go.
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Yeah umm. So there is a lot here so apologies in advance if I missed something.
But it’s absolutely awful to be talking behind someone’s back like he did. I’d question if he was ever a true friend after that. His boss doesn’t even know you it sounds like.
I’ve NEVER EVER talked to anyone at my work about my friends. At absolute most I’ve said something along the lines of “hung out with some friends over the weekend” when someone asks how my weekend was. That’s it. Nothing more. Ever.
Now. I understand the need to chose work over friends if that’s a choice they have to make. And based on the title that’s what I expected this question to be. For example, someone can’t hang out because their boss is making them do overtime. Or they can’t talk to you on the phone while at work. Those type of things are perfectly acceptable.
But he chose to mix friends and work. Which honestly was an awful decision by him.
I wish I could give you some type of comfort or positivity here. But it just sounds like he messed up big time and can’t recognize his mistake. I’m not really sure there’s much you can do in this case.
He didn’t mean it in a bad way, he wanted more information about the topic since it’s big right now, he wanted to make sense of it. He only spoke about what I told him but not our conversations in depth. I don’t think he really crossed any lines with me doing that but I didn’t know about it, I didn’t know he was in the middle, he never told me until 3 days ago now. And when he did tell me he also told me his boss called me a bigot, which I’m not. I don’t hold any negative views on certain groups of people. He wasn’t happy about it either. I was rude about his boss but why wouldn’t I be after he said that about me? Judging me from such little info.
I guess he got tired of being in the middle and just wanted me to let it go and stop talking about his boss. He did tell me to drop it and I wasn’t, I kept saying I would but really I was still annoyed and kept bringing it up anyway. He told me he rather not talk about it anymore, I asked him if he was still talking about it with his boss and he is. That’s when my best friend told me to stop mentioning him and told me “If I have to pick someone it's the guy that pays my bills. So tough luck” I just responded with “what” and he said “I'm saying if you want to cause a divide, it's a losing battle for you” me: “Wow, so you’ve made this about me as a person vs him”
Him: “No you did. You both did”.
I never asked him to choose between us. I never would, why would I want to mess with his career? In my eyes he’s just said that out of the blue. I’m so hurt over what he said and I don’t even know what to think after he’s clearly told me he’d pick him over me if it came down to it. Later on he said “It's not about you as a person. I like my job and I'm not going to listen to you talk sh*t about my boss. It’s about shutting up.” I responded with “he called me a bigot” and he said “Yes you both have said things I don’t agree with. There’s been slander on both sides. I said if I had to. I don't know any real world situation off the top of my head where I would have to cut one of you off”
I’m not exactly sure what your question is here. There were definitely better ways I think he could have handled this.
I have friends with VASTLY different political and philosophical views. And I don’t ever let them bleed into each other’s. I play it straight all the time. It’s unfair not to.
It’s ok for him to gather more information. But for him to let the conversation devolve into that isn’t cool. And if it’s such a sensitive topic, it’s probably not work place friendly to begin with.
You are right that continuing to discuss it when he asked you not to wasn’t the best idea on your part. But that’s ok. We all make mistakes. Just learn from it for next time and move on.
If you’re asking what you should do. That really depends on how you view him. Do you still wanna be friends with him after this? If so, I’d truly apologize. Say you’re sorry. And just work to move forward. Don’t dwell on anything and move forward with a sincere apology. If you don’t, that’s ok to and you should move on without him. But I don’t think anyone can make that choice but you.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. You got it tho!
My question is if I should forgive or move on. Tbh he’s very annoyed with me too so I don't know what will happen from here.
I guess it depends on what happens in the next few days going forward, if he's going to apologise to me about what he said and how much he means it, what his explanation was. If not, I guess that’s it
I can’t answer that. You have to do what you feel is best in your heart. I don’t know the history of your friendship. I don’t know the subtleties of the situation. I don’t know precisely how you feel about it all.
You are the only one who can weigh everything and decide what is best for yourself.
I wouldn’t hold my breath about him apologizing. He might. But he might not. It’s also possible that he doesn’t feel like he did anything wrong. And based on the fact that you said he’s annoyed with you too, I’m not sure he’ll be the one to apologize.
Honestly tho. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is just a huge miscommunication between you two. And if you think that’s the case and you want to salvage things, I’d start a conversation like that. And say you think it was a miscommunication.
But it’s truly up to you if you wanna take that step or not. I wouldn’t be thinking about his actions if I were you and if he’ll apologize or not. I’d focus more on what you want to do. Because at the end of the day you can only control your actions
What do you mean by miscommunication? Like in what way?
Thanks for your responses, I was looking for someone as helpful as you.
Well. First of all you said he was your best friend. Of course it’s possible a best friend turns out to not be who you expected but it’s also possible it’s just a miscommunication.
Maybe he truly felt like you were making him choose between you and his job. Which I can understand why he’d be frustrated with that. But you’ve made it clear that wasn’t your intention.
That to me sounds like it could be a misunderstanding or miscommunication. It happens.
I know even if I try to communicate extremely clearly I still say things wrong and someone misinterprets it. It happens.
And I’m glad I could help! I’m here to continue talking about it or answering any questions you have. :)
So if you were in my situation and for some reason he did think that you wanted him to pick between yourself and his boss and he told you what he told me about picking his boss over you. Would you be able to move past it?
I’ve been in situations where I’ve discussed politics with friends and it got heated. Miscommunications occurred. And every time I’ve worked to smooth things over after I calmed down. In those cases I did whatever I could to resolve things. Even if it was difficult to put my ego aside. And don’t get me wrong, I was incredibly frustrated at how my friend handled it. But to me it’s not worth losing the friendship over. So I did whatever I had to.
Now. I’ve been in other situations where I wouldn’t put the effort in. And someone would really have to go out of their way to make amends. In those cases, those friendships ended and I never talked to them again. But they were for extremely major things that I’m not sure I could have ever forgiven even with an apology.
I don’t like the fact that it feels like in difficult situations I always feel like I’m putting in all the effort. But if you look at it a different way, it means you have the power and control. Even if it means putting in the effort more than the other person.
In this situation. It doesn’t sound like anything bad enough to warrant losing your best friend over. Or maybe I missed something? But it doesn’t sound like he’s being manipulative. It doesn’t sound like he’s being abusive. It doesn’t sound like he harmed you. Nothing truly bad, right? Just heated emotions.
So in short. It’d be difficult. And I don’t like having to put in all the effort. It feels awful. But once I’ve cooled down. I have to pick the lesser of two evils. And losing my friend would be worse than putting in more effort to reconcile. If indeed nothing truly bad happened.
I did do something bad at the very end. He didn’t have any strong opinions on the topic and I got upset with the fact that he didn’t see a bad side to what the topic was. I was annoyed with how he was ok speaking to his boss about something but not me, how I got most of the… I guess punishment? In the end and how he said he would pick his boss over me. I told him “doesn’t seem like you have as much of an issue against white supremacy as you think”. He was very upset by this comment. We did talk after I that, like right after until the convo came to a stop. So it’s not like he stopped speaking to me over it but I did text him today and he’s left me on read. That’s the first time he's completely ignored me. I don’t think he will continue with it but it’s a new thing, I think I really upset him but his boss called me bigoted because he thought I was against a group of people, I was paraphrasing when I said his boss called me bigoted, what he said was worse, it was basically a word for people against certain groups of people. So yeah, I don’t know. I felt ganged up on in a way like he didn’t have my back completely, I know he didn’t believe what his boss said and wasn’t happy with it but at the same time he told me he would pick me over him without me even asking him to. I wanted to hurt him like he hurt me in that moment
All of that is understandable. But gotta remember. Some people simply don’t have strong opinions. And don’t like conflict. That doesn’t mean they are bad people tho. It’s just who they are and their personalities.
But you were understandably upset about them talking behind your back. And I would be too.
The thing about talking to his boss instead of you. That one I gotta say, gotta let that one go. There are things I tell my boss that I don’t tell my best friends. And things I tell my best friends that I don’t tell my boss. You can’t let that hurt you. Dwelling on that is only gonna cause you more unnecessary pain. And I can almost guarantee you, he didn’t even connect the dots that hurt you. It’s just not something most people would think about at all.
Every friendship is different. And maybe this is just an area you should avoid in this specific friendship (if you choose to continue it). Focus on the other positive aspects of your friendship.
Thanks for your help, I really needed someone to help sort my thoughts out
Of course! I wish you the best of luck. Feel free to message me or reply here if I can give any other perspective. But you got this!
Well to be fair you kept pestering him about it after he told you he didn’t want to talk about it, so it’s possible he’s just said that to get you to drop the subject
Do you think I should forgive him and just move on regardless of what he said to me about choosing his boss?
Yes.
Why?
Because he wants to keep his job. You shouldn’t force him to lose his job because his boss said something you didn’t like
Ok, you’re dumb. Forget it