Am I valid to feel a little hurt/upset by this?

[Anonymous]

So all my life, I’ve been in the shadow of my older sister. She’s smarter, more creatively talented, and way prettier than me. My own parents even have said that she’s good at everything. The two areas that I really shine at are baking and photography. This year for Thanksgiving, I will be making a strawberry mascarpone pie and have been talking about it since she came back from Alaska. When we went shopping, my dad reached for a pumpkin pie but my sister told him not to get it because she’ll make one. I’m not sure why, but that kind of struck a nerve with me and made me upset. Am I valid in feeling this way or am I just being ridiculous? Because I feel like I’m being ridiculous but I also can’t help how I feel.

[AmandaYVR]

Firstly, good for you for asking, "Am I valid in feeling this way or am I just being ridiculous? Because I feel like I’m being ridiculous but I also can’t help how I feel." It's a good question to ask, and it's good to try to self-check and stay as objective as possible. Not everything that happens in life is a slight, and something worthy or necessary or being offended about. No need to feed into every concern or negative thought, right? Right.

I think the answer to your q depends on a few things.

How many people are going to be at your Thanksgiving festivities, how many mouths are being fed? (The more people, the more desserts are warranted.)

Why was your dad going to buy a pumpkin pie? Because he likes it? Because he's traditional and thinks it needs to be offered? (Both are valid. But he is factoring in here. Dad should be deescalating the situation between his daughters.)

You're entitled to contribute with your baking. Something you make might even become a family tradition later. Your family needs to recognize this matters to you. Maybe they don't know/fully realize yet?

Try not to compete with your sister. (Or your friends, for that matter.) It'll only cause problems and heartache over the years. I know feelings and ego are involved, but being petty about things that don't really matter can end decades-long friendships. So be aware and careful about that, going forward.

Your sister is older, and though it may seem as though the older sibling has more skills, knowledge, opportunities, and freedom, there are also drawbacks, too. They tend to have more responsibilities, and have to give in more often to let their younger siblings, who are less emotionally developed, get their way, just to keep the peace of end a tantrum. Everyone has to learn emotional regulation. But as yourself, is she really better at everything? She'd had more years on the earth, so she should be more practiced. And she's probably going into her peak appeal, physically, in or nearing the early twenties. Your time will come.

Also, remember that things like skills and knowledge don't generally make people likeable. They are useful, maybe respected for what they know or can accomplish, but personality and character are what matters most to others. Kindness is the #1 trait that people seek in partners, for both men and women. And, probably friends, for that matter. Being compassionate, a good communicator, playful at times... these endear one to others. So anyone can become a person others like and want to be around.

I recently came across a study that concluded not only is food the way to a man's heart, it's also the way to a woman's heart. Strange, if that's true, that it took this long to figure out. Even if you never make a career of baking, feeding people desserts will make them smile. It's not just about having a sweet tooth. It could also symbolically relate to wanting to feel good, and making others feel good. It's a little brain buzz, done naturally, and we all need more of that these days, in this hopped-up, ultra-divided world, where people argue over supposed 'values', sitting staunchly in what they believe is right and important. We need more things that bring people together, and sharing good food is one of them.

Your sister might be trying to one-up you, yes. It's definitely a possibility. Does she often seem to compete with you, or lord things over you, or act jealous, or thinks you are spoiled? It's been a common theme in holiday movies. I remember in the TV show "Parenthood" as well (a great family drama, by the way) - one of the adult siblings tries to make a dessert, but she's a successful lawyer career woman, and domestic stuff is not her forte, so she puts too much metaphorical weight on it (and salt when she thought it was sugar), and it ends up tasting terrible, which everyone else laughs about. She's a perfectionist overachiever, so it was a hard blow for her. But she eventually learned and got over it.

Honestly, I think it's kind of nasty of her to say she's going to bake now. But it won't help to fan the flames here, so it's best if you ask her why she wants to. If she stumbles and fumbles over her words, or doesn't give a good answer, it could be true, she wants to outshine you. Which is pathetic, honestly. Your parents should tell your sister to chill out, don't be a brat, and that "X is making something for the family". End of story. If your sister doesn't back down, and your parents don't intervene and put out this fire... I don't usually give advice like this, but it might be time for you to stand up for yourself, and tell your sister, assertively, "No, I already told you I'm making the dessert." And then walk away. That's assertiveness without being emotional. It'll be a soft skill that'll come in handy throughout your life.

[sage2021]

Yes, your feelings are valid, but it's not the type of thing you can change either. You can't change being the younger sister. Maybe you will be able to have some really great skills when you become young ladies. That way you can compliment each other.

[Anonymous]

no one will care what you're good at comparitivley, i have had the same life. you'll be in her shadow until you stop caring and live your life how you want to, and stop caring about what standard your held to in others eyes. which is basically impossible. so get used to it

[Staximus]

Just make your pie. Pumpkin pie sucks and I'm sure yours will be better. I've only met two people in my life who could make a decent pumpkin pie, my granny and my friend's mom.

[tfan1]

Have both because pumpkin pie is traditionally made at Thanksgiving and Christmas. That way your family gets the best of both worlds.