Is my gf’s relationship with her father toxic/ enmeshed?

[Anonymous]

So I’ve been dating my girlfriend for over a year now. She’s 20. In her house there’s her mom, stepdad, her full siblings ( 21 and 19) and half siblings (12 and 10) and her dad. Since I’ve been with her I’ve noticed she’s very close to her dad and when ever he texts she replies immediately. Her dad was 48 when he met her mom who was 23. Anyway, she was over at mine for 3 days and her dad texted her “I haven’t seen you for 3 days, I miss you” to which she replied (I miss you too, we”lol watch our show when I get back) it was weird for me since I thought it was awkward. Then realised every time she mentioned she was watching something with her dad, it was up in his room, on his bed with the doors closed. It made me really uncomfortable. I asked her and she got mad and asked me to tell him like she confronted. So I can’t even get through to her about this. She other 2 siblings are not that close. They are in their own world. She does his laundry, one day he came into the room with her underwear asking if it’s hers? Just using 2 fingers that was another incident. He always picks her up, drops her off, comes to see her everyday after he finish work, gives her sweets and gifts, and then I planned a surprise dinner one day. She had to be home for painting the house. She forgot, I was dressed, she went home her mom ( narcissist) wasn’t happy, her dad didn’t look at her and she stood there staring at him waiting for him to turn around to look, it was really weird. I feel like my girlfriend is being a wife emotionally for her dad. The other day she said “daddy got me this” and I asked what? And she said dad after. When we have intimate time she says dddy, so now it’s even more awkward. If her dad and she is home, they always do something together, go for drives or he tries to show off his skills. Awhile ago he asked her what cologne I use and he bought the same. I wait for her to finish to eat, he does the same. Please help

Am I overthinking

Something more is going on

They are just close

Unhealthy father daughter relationship

[Oliverlogan263]

Damn bro, that situation sounds seriously messed up. There are definitely some major red flags there:

- The level of contact and dependence she has on her dad is just not normal for her age. Constant texting, needing his approval, always doing things together.

- The physical boundaries (or lack thereof) are super concerning too. Closed doors in his bed watching shows? Finding her underwear? That ain't right.

- The jealousy and possessive behavior from him - like getting mad if she spends time with you or gets you the same cologne - that's some serious enmeshment and control issues.

- Her reacting so strongly when you bring it up and not being able to see anything wrong is a sign of how manipulated she's been. That's so unhealthy.

Honestly man, this sounds like an emotionally incestuous/potentially abusive dynamic. I know confronting it will cause a shitstorm, but for her sake and your sanity, you need to have a serious talk.

Tell her you care about her and her well-being, but this relationship with her dad is just not okay. Suggest she talks to a counselor alone first before bringing her family into it.

Be prepared for backlash, but stay firm. She needs to see how twisted this is for her own good, even if she doesn't want to now. You're right to be worried man - this is some heavy stuff.

[Asker]

She becomes so defensive about her dad. She says I’ll do anything for him and so on. I don’t know how to make her understand. There was also this one time when I was in the car, ( back seat) they both were in the front, he was talking about his work to her and then at some point saying how “lonely” he was. She needs to help him out if she needs to take his car to work or soon, like a major power dynamic misuse. She loves me so much but sometimes I feel like she talks to him completely different like a mature woman and to me sometimes detached , she wants me to get her a ring

[Oliverlogan263]

Woah dude, this is straight up messed up. I can see why you're so uncomfortable with all this.

It's totally understandable she'd get defensive - this is all she knows and breaking that cycle is hard. But you're right that it's just not healthy.

A few thoughts:

- Don't push too hard confronting her directly about him. That'll make her dig in more.

- Focus on listening to her experiences without judgment and gently asking questions to get her to examine it herself. Like "how would you feel if a friend's dad acted that way?"

- Suggest counseling just for herself at first, not as an attack on him. Frame it as wanting the best for her well-being.

- Be clear any future involves healthy boundaries but don't make ultimatums. Give her room to get there in her own time.

- Keep reinforcing your care for her through this with affection. She needs to not feel alone if separating more from him.

It's a delicate situation for sure. But staying calm, avoid attacking him directly, and make her growth the focus is the best path I think. With time and support, hopefully she can build a life outside that dynamic. Just gotta be patient man, this will take work.

[RavVid]

Dad and stepdad are different guys right? just to be sure.

I had a stepdad sit. One Christmas he was competing with me for her attention.

Now lets take the most charitable interpretation. Her dad was her preferred parent as her mom is a narcissist. Her mom probably ended it seeing she has a new partner and he doesn't. So possibly she felt torn from her father and he felt torn from his daughter and they clung to each other more tightly. Knowing her father's pain, your girlfriend has taken on an adult female role doing wifely things to take care of her Dad.

Lets take the nasty branch. He is a pedophile and that is why her mom terminated him. It does happen the daughter takes on the wife role in these cases. I don't know what the Dad's housing situation is but it almost sounds like happy families. Old partner, new partner & joint wife all under the same roof. Correct me if wrong.

The key point that worries me is buying the colgne you use. I presume she likes it. To me it sounds he is competing with you for her. It shouldn't be like that. A dad might think you are not good enough for his daughter etc. but not compete.

Either possibility is live I think. If it is a pedo relationship I would strongly counsel you walk away. I suspect you will never know the truth. You could try ambushing the mom, not giving any warning but straight out asking.

The second question you need to ask is it possible to have a mature guy girl relationship with her. No matter if if it is option 1 or 2 if you cannot have a mature relationship you are wasting your time and getting your self into shit.

I'd further counsel to think about it then let it sit for a while on the back burner. Then what you need to do will feel right. Don't react while you are emotionally confused.

[Asker]

Yes dad and stepdad are different guys, and they all live under the same roof. He has told me at times when we drove back how lonely he is and he should probably try dating again, he is nearly 70. He wants to still do what young people do tho, natural for some I guess. I’ve tried to be okay with it but at the end of the day, a daughter should always be a daughter, being wife like is for the boyfriend possibly a future husband not her dad. That’s unfair, just can’t believe how manipulated one can be , moms the all in narcissist and dad a sympathetic nice guy manipulator.

[RavVid]

You have it. A daughter to the father and a wife to her man is how it should be. Her dad might always occupy the boyfriend/husband slot in her life. In general it is good that a woman has a good relation ship with her father because that sets up the husband and a lot of women will never have had a relationship with their father due to divorce.

BUT their relationship is more husband wife like and it seems like you won't get to have a normal relationship.

I always make decisions slowly till it feels right in the guts. You could talk about it but I wouldn't expect change

[Anonymous]

Dysfunctional people are nothing unusual with people on here. Dump her and move on.

[boggboss]

If u don't like how they act just end things as clearly she has no issue with it

[Avicenna]

Something is indeed off it seems

[Anonymous]

U have to talk to her