Family hid nephews birth from me?

[Anonymous]

Hi all! I have a bad relationship with my sister. She married an abuser with rape charges against him and 2 ex wives- and quite frankly I don’t approve or like the man.

He started lying to her and manipulating and it ended up with her saying she hates me and never wanted to see me again- even accusing me of abusing my niece sexually. I was absolutely horrified and left her alone thinking she would come back around.

well I found out she went to visit our aunt uncle and cousins a few weeks ago- and turns out she had another baby and specifically asked them not to tell me. My aunt slipped and told me- everyone else is so tight lipped and won’t say one damn thing to me.

im not going to reach out to my sister, I am not going to try and be a part of this kids life, I’m literally one of the most harmless people out there. However I don’t think you should hide deaths, births or marriages. And now I really don’t think I want a relationship with that side of the family. Am I wrong?

[HollyK21]

Probably because she knows you’ll be disappointed and feels a bit ashamed.


One thing you should always keep in mind is that she’s heard you and she already knows. She knows first hand that he’s not a great role model or even a good partner. She knows there is validity in what you’re saying, and actively chooses to ignore it. That is her burden to live with every day, and if this guy is as bad as he sounds then she’s not living a very happy, loving life.


It’s hard to watch and totally fine if you don’t want any parts of that, but it’s likely the reason why she doesn’t want you to know she’s had a baby with this person. I’d be horrified and disgusted given the rape allegations and having children around him, crazy for her to even be ok with that as a mother.


Anyway, the most I can suggest is that if deep down you want a relationship with your sister and nieces, then remove yourself (opinions, advice, etc) from the romantic aspects and focus solely on your family. I wouldn’t even ask about the guy, just check on the kids, and when talking to her talk about everything else BUT him.


She’s already shown you that no matter what she’s going to stick beside him, even lose her relationship with you. I find this incredibly hurtful, but it’s either coexisting with her decisions and trying not to let them affect yours, or wish her well and maintain no contact.


You wouldn’t be wrong in either case, especially choosing to stay away,

[Asker]

I can’t reach out to her anyways she has me blocked on everything including linked in 😂

[HollyK21]

Woooww even linked in? I didn’t know people use that for anything other that resume building😭 well, as your sister you will inevitably see her again and when you do, you can decide whether or not to squash it but in any case, I wouldn’t want to let that idiot man the satisfaction of destroying our relationship.

Like I said you’re not wrong if you don’t speak with her, but I think this is all part of his effort to isolate and brainwash her. Now for every day you don’t talk he can pump her head with lies, and that’s what ultimately you don’t want. I think even if you don’t talk about him, letting him see you’re still around will not only piss him off (because I’m sure he talks shit about you) but showing her what REAL unconditional love is. It’s also showing him that those babies are protected and if you catch him doing the wrong thing you will call the cops, no hesitation.

One day there will be no choice but for her to see what you see in him, she just has to get there and he will absolutely do that “final straw” thing at some point. He can’t help it.

[HollyK21]

*have the satisfaction

[Asker]

It’s not necessarily my sister that’s the issue here. That relationship is dead she won’t even talk to our parents bc of this man. But asking my aunt uncles and cousins to keep the birth of her son a secret from me is the issue

[HollyK21]

Yeah, I understand the issue for sure and that’s why I was saying she likely had this kept a secret from you because she already knows everything you’d have to say about it and probably feels ashamed so she doesn’t want to hear it. I doubt you’d have reached out with sincere happiness and congratulations since this isn’t something to celebrate. On top of all that, he’s probably fully convinced her that you’re not someone she should be associating with anymore. Even though you’re her sister, even though those are her parents, he has her completely cut off.

[Cutegirl06]

No you're not wrong. I think if you were to be part of this kids life your sister would accuse you of sexually molestation.

[Surely]

Not much you can force your sister to do if she doesn’t want to. Stay in the shadows and wait for her to come to you.