If a long-term male friend hangs out with me just to try getting a date or laid isn't that using people too?

[Anonymous]

I consider using people any time you're dishonest about your intention or lie your way through to try obtain anything from that unsuspecting person.

This has already happened twice with 2 different male friends I've known for years. It was clear there wasn't anything romantic between us ever. One of tried groping me and then excusing it with an ''Oh sorry, I was just teasing'' when I removed his hands from him. Another ended up admitting in the end that he was trying to get a date from me eventually and though I would naturally changed my mind.

The groper ended up ghosting me afterwards and the other one blocked me. Needless to say I felt used. If I wanted a relationship I would make it clear from day 1, not pretend to be someone's friend and do the ''go by the natural flaw, maybe the person will change their minds eventually'' method; sound like deceiving to me.

Isn't that still using people?

Yes

No

Updates

2 mo

If you don't want a friendship and only act kind to get laid, I think that's a bad trait in you. You're a liar, fake and a dishonest person.

[DoggyDude]

To be clear at the start, its never right for any guy to grope a woman without some invitation of some sort. Though it can be understandable for someone to misunderstand signals and even take words which one party intends to be obviously against, as an encouragement. That is to say, its easy for someone to make a mistake and cross an unwelcome line, but, what separates the creep from the unlucky / embarassed-idiot is their level of respect to the person thus offended when it becomes completely clear what they meant (aka, its one thing to try something when hearing "I'm not sure." or "a wiggling of shoulders to discourage" and quite another when the person says "No. Never" and they continue).

So, I think its complex. I wouldn't say personally they "used" you, but I would say they where sneaky in the way they tried to worm into your effections and they disapointed you, and that obviously hurt you a lot. I'd also say they where playing a dumb game, because even where you to have changed your stance, once finding out they where playing games with your feelings, being a friend only for some reward, it does hurt a lot.

The complex part comes in that sometimes its not entirely clear what a person wants. Sometimes one person knows exactly what they want and the other person thinks they know exactly what they want. To the outside, both are the same. Both people say they know what they want, only over time, one person realises they don't want what they thought they want and the other doesn't change.

The complex part again here, is that sometimes people spending time together can realise what they thought they wanted wasn't right and start to be open to what the other person thought they wanted.

Though yes, its hurtful what they did and guarentees you can never see them as a true friend percluding a romantic situation more.

[Asker]

yeah it hurts that they were never genuine, true friends. Acting sweet just to get a reward isn't a genuine person. They both knew I didn't even want a relationship with them.

[DoggyDude]

Don't be too hard on them. The real test comes when you've move on with your life and how they treat you.

I'll share a personal lesson, years ago I ended up falling in love with a girl who was engadged. I was happy to be just her friend and it was entirely genuine friendship (at first), I got along with her then pespective husband (chiding him at times when he wasn't doing her right, I recall). The engadement ended up falling through, and my feelings changed (though I realised now they had been there all the time but my mindset toward engadement and marriage made sure they stayed on the friend side of the equation). I made a lot of bad choices there after, and ended up not being a good friend to her, because, I had entered the idea that if the engadement was off, and it wasn't meant to be, maybe it was meant to be me! In the end, she wound up having a daugher with another guy friend of hers, and when I found out I couldn't deal with my feelings about things and stopped talking her calls (I regretted that later). It took me 4 or more years before I got myself together and got back in touch with her, and she was deeply hurt by my not being there (as her friend) at the most troubled and complex part of her life (though she did understand I was hurt and I am always greatful for that).

So, my intention in sharing that is to say that even someone who can be a good friend (and the girl and I are good friends now, I got to know her daugher as well) can make a silly mistake because my emotions got involved. That all said, I think it will always be complex keeping in touch with a friend that fell in love with you. Not impossible, just complicated.

So yeah, go easy on him, but definitely lay down how you felt let down. It's important.

[BadApple69]

I’m going to disagree with you. Those two guys might have been scumbags, I don't know. But I have a female friend that I have hung out with, camped with, drank with... I never tried anything. But a year ago I started to realize just how much she meant to me. I told her about it... She didn't think I was being honest. I was and now we are a thing. It's great because we don't need to get to know each other.
Now in your case where they with you so long to try and get laid OR did did they become more attracted to you because they got to know you like in my case.

[Asker]

They knew I wasn't ever interest in a relationship with them. Someone proceeding to not respecting my boundaries and wishes (still thinking I'm could change my mind), when it's clearly stated there will never be anything romantic between us is what is wrong.

[Billlewis]

Your key to success in a situation like this is to demand compensation in a commensurate amount, or more, if you so wish. He can do what he wants, but guess who runs the show? You do, all day, every day.

[Billlewis]

I apologize if I'm coming on too strong, but I'm probably so enthusiastic about the opportunity you've been blessed with because I dream of being in the exact set of circumstances as this lucky young man. But if I were in his position, rather than trying to consummate my ravenous desire for you, I'd focus on spoiling you rotten, and if possible, your boyfriend, as well --
Have Any Of You Ever Experienced A Non Sexual Sugar Relationship? ? ↗

[KrakenAttackin]

This is the fallacy of opposite gender friends.

[Asker]

I hate when it happens. I don't want a relationship nor date them. I just wish I can treat them like my female friends.

[KrakenAttackin]

Asker..."I just wish I can treat them like my female friend". This is a ridiculous statement.