I just admitted mom cheats and now she's very upset with me, did I really betray her?

[Anonymous]

My 17th b-day was 2 weeks ago and yesterday I just ratted her out after several months of doing what she told me to do. She pleaded with me to keep it a secret, lie about her whereabouts, erase the calls if possible, etc. I would step out of the house because I didn't want to deal with her bringing the lover. I never greeted the lover. I was hateful towards him and mom had the nerve to say I'm being rude, to say hi to him.

I didn't want to ruin my relationship with dad. He didn't do anything to us. In addition, he started noticing my mood changes, mom and I were arguing more often, crying alone in my room, not smiling in pictures anymore, etc. I admitted it all to him just yesterday after school. Dad already suspected something was wrong with me because it was unlike my usual self. It was relief to hear I still got my dad.

My mother is very upset with me because she feels I went against her and that women support each other, that I've betrayed her, the code, betray my own kind. Did I? I felt there was no other way, that I was screwed either way.

Updates

1 mo

She's very upset and saying that dad's going to divorce her because I had to open my big mouth. She's blaming me. She thinks I've betrayed her.

Updates

1 mo

Dad said he loves me without any conditions and is disappointed to hear I thought he was going to disown me. He's upset and disgusted with my mother. He wants a divorce ASAP. Meanwhile I'm in such a mess at this moment.

[WindAtMyBack]

When you are young you tend to see things in an idealistic way. As you age, you begin to understand that there is always a bigger picture, and that things are not as black and white as they seemed at first.

There is no right in this situation, there are only wrongs. No matter what choice you make, it will not be "right" because there will be negatives no matter what you choose.

I'm maybe 50 years older than you. Guess what? I don't know the answer either, for the reasons I just said. There is no "right" in this. I can say what I "think" you should do. But I don't know if that's right. I don't know if it's the lesser of the evils.

But what I do know is there WILL be negative consequences.

I also know that of your two main choices, one can be changed later, and the other can't be undone. So erring on the side of caution is a good approach. Not saying anything allows you to change your mind later.

That is looking at how it affects your parents. But what about you? That might give a completely different answer. You are thrust into a situation that you obviously hate. I assume you have been agonizing over this for some time. Your mother was being extremely selfish doing this with your knowledge. If I understand it right she was doing it at home with you there. That's extremely selfish, even though she may not think of it that way.

I would confront her. Ask her straight out "Did you ever think of how this affects ME?"

You should NEVER have been put in that situation. So what about you? Was this something you needed to do for yourself? You might think that doing this for yourself is also being selfish. But look at the difference. In my opinion there is no comparison. She made her own choices. She put you in this situation. You on the other hand had it forced on you. You were forced into a lose-lose situation.

Sometimes it's OK to be selfish. You should not need to martyr yourself, or be asked to martyr yourself, when she is clearly in the wrong. You are simply doing your best in a bad situation that you had no part in creating. So whatever choices you've made, please don't feel guilty about it. I'm sure you did the best you could, and that is all anyone can ask. So don't be harsh on yourself.

[abc3643]

You are not "screwed either way".

While, yes, you did betray her, you did the right thing.
You DIDN'T betray your father which is what you were doing by keeping your mother's secret.

Furthermore, if your mother didn't want anyone to know she should've kept her actions to herself and not put you in a position where you had to take sides.

More importantly, she shouldn't have been fucking around and the situation between your parents should have been resolved by them between them without you having any part of it.

Again, you did the right thing. You weren't screwed. Your mother was (in both senses) by her own actions. I realize that you may be feeling it, but have no guilt.

Good luck, young lady, and remember that your father loves you and is thankful for what you have done. And, while you mother may be upset at the moment, she still loves you and, now that the shit has hit the fan, she'll be reflective on what she's done. If she's not like Trump, she will feel some guilt - not just at cheating, but at wrongfully putting you in that position.

[Asker]

My father was only disappointed that I thought he was going to disown me. He reassured me his love towards me has no conditions and can't understand people that would stop loving their child. It was so sweet to hear that but yeah I felt trapped those months. Hopefully I can one day get my mother's trust back. She's very upset at this moment. She didn't want to divorce dad but dad wants a divorce ASAP.

[abc3643]

Vital lesson to be learned by adulthood that your mother seemed to forget:'

You reap what you sow.

[Billlewis]

You should not have told him, in my opinion. At least not without discussing it first.

[Asker]

I felt I was trapped either way. It felt like one way or the other, I would lose one parent's trust. I was afraid of then possibly getting disowned by dad, to lose his love forever.

[worldscolide]

Normally I ignore your comments @Billlewis but what you said here is not only wrong, it's harmful to someone who is vulnerable. Her mother should never have involved her in her lies. I pray you do not have children if this is your advice to her.

[Finchie40]

You did the right thing , your Mom is in the wrong period, by trying to have you cover her selfish behavior for cheating on your Dad , Your Mom is upset with you , because your Mom can’t admit to herself , that she is wrong period. I hate to say this but your Mom is a selfish piece of shit person by cheating on your Dad like she did a d stringing him along for her selfish benefit. She truly doesn’t love your Dad , especially since she has been cheating on him , So whatever your Mom has coming to her , understand she deserves every second of it , she dug her own grave by doing what she has been doing , and she will suffer the consequences of her actions. It’s her job to get herself out of the hole she dug for herself. I am sorry to hear this happened to you and sorry to hear you are going through this with your parents’ my advice to you is stand by your Dad’s side , understand you don’t need to apologize for your Mom’s selfish behavior , it will be her job to apologize to you. Again you did the right thing. When my ex cheated on me , My kids had my back and were upset with their Mom and they were angry at her for what she did to our family , My kids had my back the whole way though because they knew what their Mom did was wrong. It was her job to apologize to the kids , so again it’s not your problem. You did the right thing ,

[Mr_twoface]

In hindsight you should have given your mum an ultimatum to tell your dad/her husband within days after you found out or you would tell. If you did that, then she should only blame herself. Either way, she is obviously going to be mad and upset and rant of at you.

If you live on your own, just tell her its her fault for not telling him and you are very upset with her and the situation she put you guys’ in. You can be polite by saying your sorry but its unfair towards your dad.

If you live under the roof, would you be able to move in with your dad? Or do you want to stay with mum? If with your mum, you better show remorse (even though its not your fault) and just apologies for going behind her back. Emphasize on how she put you in this place and you love your dad!

She will hopefully, after things have calmed down, tell you that she loves you and apologies for her behaviour.

Being present in this whole situation is understandable upsetting and feel so much for you! Hopefully friends/other family will be there for you and support you moving forward. Tell both your parents for the sake of you, to act as matured adult parents, since you are around. They should speak calmly and not rant at each other.

If you want to ventilate thoughts with gag users, feel free to reach other to anyone including myself. Take care!

[lightbulb27]

Awful your mother drug you into her drama. She had no business playing you into her game. Your mom has serious problems and needs help, hopefully she gets it.

I feel bad for your father, and you. Maybe I'll feel bad for your mom if I was to hear why she did what she did. There's a reason... and it's not good. But I hope your father can bring stability for you two.

To be honest... good job, you did the right thing... even if it hurts some. You would not want to go through life living that lie.

[TommyMountainFigure]

You lost your Mum the second she put you in that position. I'm really pleased you still have your Dad and yes you made the right decision.. eventually..

Had you asked what you should have done right at the very beginning though? I would have said, "say to her.. You have until tonight to tell Dad.. if not, I will tell him tomorrow!"

I'm sorry about your parents divorcing, but I want to reiterate what I said up there. You made absolutely the right choice, and the reason your Mum is angry, isn't because she's angry with you, she's angry with herself for putting you in that position. She just hasn't taken the time to let it sink in yet.. But she will I promise, and that is when she will want to talk to you again!

[HighValue]

You should have told him sooner, but your mom is the one in the wrong. Choose your dad over her and live with him when they separate. Women supporting immoral bad behavior of other women is one of the main reasons that relationships and marriage often don't last anymore. Women have been supporting evil, immoral acts by other women for generations which only encourages more immorality and contributes to the breakdown of the family unit.

People should never support cheating.

Now your mom will likely make up lies about your father and try to harm him with the assistance of the court system that hates men.

[RavVid]

It was entirely immoral for your mom to cheat and to make you part of the deceit.

With her decision you were going to lose one of your parents. Either your Dad if you supported your mom and lied for her or your mom if you didn't help betray your dad.

Your mom is a deeply selfish person so you made the right choice. Pretty offensive she wanted you to be nice to the lover.

[Drew-1990]

She betrayed your dad you did not betray her. That has to be a horrible situation to be in but cheating is wrong, there is no justification for it. Honestly you should never should have been in that situation at all she put you in a horrible situation. I hope you can resolve this with your mother you shouldn't have to lose a relationship with her but she caused this not you.

[Asker]

I was more afraid of getting disowned by dad if I had chose her side, then losing his love forever, him never attending my HS graduation or wedding. I was afraid of all that happening to the point I couldn't sleep at night and I would end up crying alone.
And then telling the truth (which I did in the end), would've been taking side with my dad and outing mom. Now she's likely not going to trust me for a long time. I feel terrible in that aspect too.

[Drew-1990]

It is terrible that this has happened you but I don't care what others say you did the right thing telling him. Your mom should have confessed but if she wasn't your dad deserved to know.

[Wsx2wsx2ws]

Absolutely did the right thing. You are brave individual and I would be proud to know you. I think your dad feels the same way. And in her heart so does your mother.
IF she ever wants to blame you be aware its all on her for breaking her vow and asking you to lie. Not a good example for an impressionable daughter.
Keep in mind your dad's example and use him to get you through life.

[DJB72]

If your dad moves out, move with him. You're pretty much an adult and by the time a court decides "custody" you'll be over 18.

Your mum betrayed not only your dad, but you. She's not taking responsibility for her actions. Terrible example.

[flautistnaturist]

marital infidelity is seen as the element of this situation in which the error lies and the responsibility for negative consequence. it is true that a person who hides an offense seeks love. and also that love covers a lot of wrongdoing.

[Anonymous]

Your mom will forgive you. And if she doesn't then she wasn't much of a mom to begin with. Because the REALITY is SHE did this to herself. And she should never have put you in this position. Nor expected you to keep this secret. She's your mom. Her job is to protect you, not burden you with her adult problems.

[Red_Arrow]

You did not cause the divorce by telling your father. She caused the divorce by her actions with the other guy. She betrayed both of you.

[Kinkyhubby]

Yoir mom is mad, because thencatnis out of the bag. You did the right thing. She cheated and got caught. She is a grown woman and now has to deal with the consequences. It is wrong of any parent to ask the kids to lie for them..

[NevadaTruth]

There are many considerations here, but the main one is that, even if it's not easy to know: this is absolutely not your fault. Hopefully your mom snaps out of it and sees the light.

[exitseven]

that's a tough place to put a kid in. I can sympathize.

[TheSpaceGnome]

You were right to tell him (though you should have done it immediately)

Your mom is a shitbag.

When they divorce, go live with your dad and cut off communication with your horrid mother.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Make sure any court that tries to give sole custody to your dad knows about your mom cheating, as that would basically ensure he gets custody since cheating sets a horrible example for children.

[EmmaMary]

REPORTED...DUPLICATE.

[RebelinSteel]

Your mum effectively used you

dont let her make you feel bad, you were used by her.

[noohair]

It is hard for you. She should not have included you in her deception.