How do you deal with someone who just wants to be negative?

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

I have this friend, he’s having a rough go of it at the moment and I’m sympathetic to what he’s going through. My first instinct in a lot of these situations is to try to point to the bright side but he has specifically told me “Don’t show me the bright side, it doesn’t work.” Like… fine, okay, you’re allowed to be sad but you can’t expect me to drown in your hopelessness with you when I’m sure there are ways to make your life better that you’re purposely ignoring just to wallow in your misery. He’ll do this for weeks on end of just hitting me up to tell me how sad he is and ask for comfort and I’m getting tired of it but I don’t want to be mean and just tell him to fuck off over it either. He’s not a bad guy, he just doesn’t know how to process feelings and I know it’s not my job to teach that to him, not that I could even if I wanted to. Boundaries have been set but I need a way to deal with this that doesn’t hurt his feelings. How would you handle this?

[Friendlybro79]

When someone is depressed or feeling down like your friend they're not ready to hear that things are good elsewhere. Even though you mean well it's like saying to someone who was insulted by something and then just telling them don't be insulted.

That said you're a good friend for trying to let him vent but if you've had enough you can tell him something like, "I know things have sucked for you lately (validation if his feelings) and I'm here for you. That said, if you're really this sad and it's all consuming for you, I'd highly recommend talking to someone that can better help you, like a therapist.

As your friend it's become difficult to hear you so upset. It makes me sad too and it's becoming difficult for me to have these conversations with you. I don't want you to think I'm saying don't talk to me about this but I'm at a loss for words. Please call a therapist and set up an appointment and when you're done with one, I'd like to hear how you're going to work on getting yourself into a better place

[Serkee]

I'm guessing he's wanting practical solutions, or just a friend to vent to. It's very frustrating when people tell me to "think positively" or something along those lines when I open up to them, it feels like they're just ignoring the issue and don't really want to help. It feels like we're being given empty platitudes to shut us up. We want the problem to be solved, not ignored. That's why guys usually don't want to share their feelings, because when we do the people we expose our vulnerabilities to don't want to be around us anymore, since we just bum them out. So we keep our emotional issues bottled up. I don't think your friend just wants to be negative, but he also doesn't want to fake positivity, because all that does is makes things feel worse.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

He knows the solution, and I’m sure he doesn’t need me to reiterate it for him

[Serkee]

What's the problem and the solution, if you don't mind me asking? I probably can't help get him to accept help, but I might be able to give some insight on why he might be refusing it.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

He lost his job, and is going through a divorce. He knows he needs to find a new job, he doesn’t like that his ex still lives with him but the divorce isn’t final and they’re both named on the house

[Serkee]

What's the solution to that? Sure he needs to get a new job, but how does that solve the divorce issue? If it's to move out and live somewhere else, I wouldn't be able to accept just giving up the house to my ex unless I got half the equity on it. If that's what it's about I think he's right to be stubborn.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Pretty sure the equity is why they’re staying together until it can be finalized

[Caroline91]

I would encourage him to get professional therapy. If someone wants help they will get help. Some people’s comfort zone is negativity. If he enjoys being negative, let him find other negative people to spend time with. I have found that men who function from a negative viewpoint will often use it to kind of trap a girl bc they know most girls try not to be rude.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

He refuses therapy, apparently it doesn’t help him. I’m not gonna make him go, you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.

[Caroline91]

That’s my point. He doesn’t seem to want to be different and he’s getting a lot of mileage with you with his negativity. It’s an emotional trap bc you don’t want to hurt his feelings. You don’t have to be mean, you can just be too “busy” to spend your time and energy on a lost cause. Sucks for him but it’s his choice to be an exhausting person to be around. Seek out what you need and what works for you in your life. People like that are emotional vampires.

[laly520]

I support my friends n family who r struggling but if its too toxic n they decide to refuse good change then it won't be useful

[dustybiker2]

Separate yourself for your own mental wellbeing. You can only do so much for others then you have to take care of you.

[Jacobbbb]

Distance yourself from this person. Negativity is contagious. He'll get the memo if you suddenly go cold.

[ProbablyClueless]

Distance. You have to love people like him from a distance.

[WhitneySnow]

I agree with you. You need to be kind but firm and not let him drag you into his negativity.

[DrPepper12]

Here's a referral to a few therapists I found useful when I was challenged. I can't do thos anymore

[KrakenAttackin]

This guy needs to deal with his own issues and not drag you down. No one likes to hear someone bellyache day after day.

[OddBeMe]

I study them, find out why they’re negative, personify that weakness and leave them totally broken.

[butterfly_nake87]

Just let him be. Never let someone else's vibe enter your personal space. You can learn from them by using your own intelligence.

[BLP11520]

Spend this little time as possible with them before rubs off on you👍

[MsProsperity]

Advise him to get a girlfriend

[LaurenM1997]

He needs to go to therapy

[LiamJHayden]

I go the other way.

[Bklynbadboy12]

I don't it's to depressing

[tasqueen]

Ignore them

[FuqUFggt]

I don't. Fuck them.