How do I bring this up to my fiancé?

[Anonymous]

Heads up… This is me venting… So my fiancé just received an email from a woman saying she needs to talk to him. We share a tablet, and both receive email notifications on it. He is currently at work. Yes I was nosy, and further investigated to find out who this woman is. It turned out to be his ex wife’s sister. His ex wife has been trying to get in contact with him, but he changed his number. It’s a longgggg story, and I can go into more details in the comments. Anywho, they supposedly divorced because she cheated on him and had a severe drug addiction. From what I’ve observed she appears to be very toxic and manipulative. She would always beg my fiancé for money that has nothing to do with their children. Which is why he is not currently speaking with her. The children live with his parents. The last time they spoke, he advised they speak through a co parenting app moving forward. So that there conversations would strictly be about the children, and she stop asking him for money. She completely got mad and cursed him and me out. She then insinuated that he touched her firstborn daughter. I felt disgusted and questioned him if it were true. He denied it, and after long thought I believed him. What she insinuated just didn’t add up.
Well today, when I went to the sister page… She had a link that led to her online diary entries. She is also a struggling drug addict and bipolar along with many other disorders. Apparently mostly all of their siblings are fu*cked up. However, on one the diary entries she wrote about how her sister, “my fiancés ex wife,” is a terrible mother. She also wrote that the step father, “at the time” “my current fiancé” touched the daughter and the mother swept it under the rug.

Updates

1 y

Sorry I can only type so much on here, but I have so much more to say! I feel sick to my core right now. I don’t know what to believe. As her and the sister are clearly drug addicts with mental health issues. I however take sexual abuse VERY seriously. As I was raped by my own father as a child. I feel so afraid and lost. I don’t know what to do, or how to bring this up to my fiancé when he gets home. What should I do?

[Anonymous]

I am going anonymous for this because I am going tell about some things which have happened to me and I have not mentioned this to many people... and it is ugly.

First I want to start out by saying the accusation levied at your partner still doesn't mean a thing.

Years ago...2001/ 2002... I was working as a chef in a restaurant and didn't get enough hours to make ends meet. So my head-chef asked me if I wanted to babysit his 2 children to make some extra money on the side.

One day the 6 year old daughter had a friend coming over to play with her. First, while I was playing an Xbox game, the girl crawled behind me and lift my top up to lick my back. I pulled my top down and told her not to do that. Later in the afternoon her mother came to pick her up. While I was talking to the mother, the daughter started to squeeze my balls. I was shocked, completely frozen and looked at the mother as if I was saying "Aren't you going to say anything?".

Weeks later my head-chef asked me to stay a bit longer because he had to talk to me, and he told me that the girl had accused me of ordering her to touch me. I was gobsmacked; wtf did just happen to me? Soon after everything got dropped, no police got involved because the girl had confessed that she had lied to her mother.

Some days later I went to the house of the girl to tell the parents that she could no longer come to play when I was babysitting. The mother understood why I had made that decision. We ended up talking for a bit longer and then she said this: "When my husband is having a shower, [name of girl] would join him and would start touching and playing with his balls"

I was fuming when I heard that... The parents let the girl play with the balls of her dad, and then when she does that to some random 'stranger' it has to be the stranger who is the pervert? Fuck that!

Fast forward many years... make that decades... I had a family; a girl who isn't biologically mine, and my own son. I have told me ex that story about the accusation... and what does she do with it? She starts to accuse me of doing things with our daughter... not directly in my face, more indirectly, but I do know she has been telling her sisters and her dad... and possibly anyone else willing to listen to her lies.

After she had cast me aside because I had outlived my purpose, and the emotionally abusive relationship came to an end (she's a Narcissist, and has emotionally abused and manipulated me, deceived me from the beginning to end and lied about everything)... She all of a sudden tried to keep our daughter away from me. My daughter didn't fully grasp why, but I told her why... and she was shocked to hear about the accusation of her mother levied against me.

That lie, that accusation will never go away... and at any time someone can bring that up again to destroy me further. What if... I don't want it... I do get into a new relationship some day and my ex feels the need to contact me new partner to spread the lies to her too, again to destroy my life. She is a very spiteful cunt.

After reading your post, this is exactly the feeling I am left with. The ex of your partner is spiteful and will do anything to destroy him, the sister might be a 'Flying Monkey' (People who carry out the work of a Narcissist or abusive person) and assist her sister with attempting to destroy your partner.

The best way to destroy him? Convincing you the lies are true and you will abandon him as a result of that.

[Asker]

Thank you so much for sharing your story! This was very comforting to hear right now. I am however sorry that you had to experience that. As well as the story of the little girl. My heart goes out to her. Her parents are absolutely sick and should be imprisoned! I truly pray that is not the case with this. As I have felt the ex wife is a bitter narcissist. I truly love this man, and it would be heartbreaking if this were true. I have endured enough pain in my life, and I don’t think I could stomach this one. I didn’t believe her the first time. Because why would she still be in contact with my fiancé and not file a police report if this were true? I also don’t get how she would even be able to talk to this man period after their divorce and continue to share news about her daughter with him after their divorce. Or even allow him to still be in their son’s life. Like it just doesn’t make sense. Yet, as an actual victim of childhood trauma. And being raped by my biological father, this is extremely triggering. One, she is sick asf if she is lying about this! And God forbid if he is, he is the sick one! How should I bring this up to him when he gets home? How do I find the actual truth out of this?

[Opinion Owner]

Oh, I am so sorry to hear that you have been sexually abused yourself when you were young.

Indeed what you've said about if your partner has done what his ex claims he has done, she would have filed a police case a long time ago... and that never happened.

It's the same for me; would I indeed have done something with my daughter, the ex would have reported me a long time ago. My daughter also would not have wanted to visit me 3 days a week (only for a couple of hours though), she was having a good time here at my place and felt at ease (both kids sometimes cried when I had to bring them back to their mother) She even once said to me that a friend of hers and I were the only ones who gave her random hugs and she loved to it; to which I replied "What about your mother then?". She replied "No mum doesn't give me hugs, yeah she does when I come home or leave the house... but no random hugs". I was shocked to hear that. That time that her mother prevented her from coming to me... my son was in a stroppy mood and didn't want to come; so it was only my daughter that time... she defied her mother (very rare that the kids do that; they had no issues defying me). We watched Netflix series all afternoon and she was having a good time.

But this reminds of me of my ex claiming that her brother-in-law has sexually abused her and her niece... if that was the case, why was the uncle still walking free then? She has never gone into details either, only "[Name] has sexually abused me". She also showed absolutely no hesitation or fear during sex, not even the first time. I would expect that a survivor of sexual abuse is hesitant at times with [new] partners, or refuses to do certain things which would bring all the horrible memories of the rape back up... but none, no signs what so ever.

[Opinion Owner]

As to your question on how to find out. I'd say there is only one way: Tell your partner what you have come across... but do it in such a way that there's not a shred of doubt that he may have done what he is being accused of. Make it appear as if you are just informing him, and then see how he responds and what he says. You didn't mention, but I assume you have been long enough with your partner to know him well enough... so if you notice any odd behaviour, that could be an indication that something has happened.

[Asker]

I do believe a real woman would have filed a police report, and gotten far away from that man. However, she is far from that. The fact that she is a struggling drug addict, sorry of an excuse for a “woman.” I think she is far from a real woman. I actually would not be surprised if she is the kind to cover up for a man over her children.
Being a victim of sexual abuse, I know what it’s like to tell your truth, and not be heard. So denying her daughter of that, in a way feels like silencing my own voice. So this is all very triggering to me.
The other theory I can think of is… The daughter was traumatized from physically seeing her daughter be an active drug addict. Which in result caused my fiancé and her mother to argue a lot. The daughter more than likely saw her mother as the “victim” in this situation. She could have lied about this as an escape. Yet that would be a rare case. I have all these thoughts and emotions swirling around in my head. I feel sick to my core. I truly don’t know what to believe.
My other concern is that we have not been together for long. We actually moved quite fast. I met him through my brother. He told me he was going to marry him the first day I met him. He asked me to move in with him after our second date. Which I know sounds crazy, but I truly feel/felt that he has a beautiful soul. Is having a huge age gap doesn’t help. As I’m used to dating older men… but if I discover he is a child molester, that changes the entire trajectory.

[Opinion Owner]

From what I can gather there is in many US states no civil statutes of limitations for cases of child sexual abuse (in other states it is being suspended till the child reaches adulthood); just the mere fact that they have never reported your fiancé to the police says enough to me. They probably can't even claim that the civil statutes of limitations has expired (Depends on how old the daughter now is)

Your Fiancé left the mother due to cheating and substance abuse; refused to give her money because she would spend it on herself and not the daughter; he refuses to talk to her... That can be more than enough for some mentally unstable people to become very spiteful (My ex...) and hellbent on destroying someone.

I understand of course that you are worry a lot now, but in your last reply I strongly feel you are overthinking everything too much; natural thing to do of course (I am, now, an overthinker too) but it is not helpful. You'll be working yourself up to a complete state of panic which will make the situation even more difficult. When you are ready to mention all this to your fiancé, you will have to try to stay as calm as possible; If not, he might think you doubt him, will accuse him too, and he might shut himself down/ Run away. He tried to get away from that 'nutter', start a new life... yet everything keeps still haunting him

Of course, if he is indeed what he is being accused of... there's only 1 thing left to do: Remove him from your life; but lets not run ahead of things yet.

[Opinion Owner]

I don't know if it would be possible in any way, and it can of course only be done with your fiancé's consent... but if he is innocent, he might consent to getting the police involved to once and for all get rid of these accusations.

[Breanna_nonbinary]

Baggage is baggage. It never goes away. That being said you always try to keep the skeleton in the closet. If you’re asking about what to do about the ex’s sister I’d say that you keep your distance. Not your problem to handle but also it affects you in some ways. So do your best to just be supportive and guiding.
As far as sexual abuse allegation I’m sorry for your experience but just remember that until someone is proven guilty they shouldn’t be convicted in the court of public opinion. Just be honest with him about your feelings and expect the same from him.
Good luck.

[Asker]

I’m afraid now that he’s possibly lying. Although I could never see him doing such a thing, I don’t put anything past anyone. Obviously no one would admit to something so sick. I feel so sick and disgusted that I have possibly been sleeping with, and on the verge of marrying a child molester. I am trying not to have a mental breakdown of my own right now. Like I have no clue what to do when he gets home. I don’t even want him to touch me right now. How could I ever get the truth from this situation? I don’t want to believe this and I pray it’s not true. However, I can’t help but wonder if it is now.

[Breanna_nonbinary]

Can you DM me so we can talk?

[Asker]

Yes, I will message you now.