Am I a terrible person for disliking people who get clingy over text and small talk?

[Anonymous]

I have always been an introvert and I don't talk much. However, I can text pretty well. Now, the issue is whenever I'm talking to someone I do not know well, often it leads to them getting clingy. I only expect casual conversations like the one strangers have at any public transport. Somehow strangers always end up sharing things with me that they're not comfortable sharing with others. Sometimes they get clingy.

I once talked to a guy who shared with me how he had a horrible breakup after a long-term relationship. That was our first conversation. I tried to console him for a week but he started getting clingy, started flirting with me and one fine morning I woke up and blocked him.

I had a classmate at school (we just knew each other by face) who dropped out because of his drinking habits. He reached out to me on social media 3 years later and told me that he felt unworthy of respect because of his past around his classmates from school and he repents not taking his career seriously. I tried to make him feel better. However, he kept on texting me everyday after that, and often at times I couldn't reply (like when I'm attending lectures at university). Unlike the previous one, he wasn't trying to date me but he wanted me as a free therapist available all the time. I blocked him.

Then the most recent one. We talked about some casual things as we have some professional similarities. Soon he started texting me all day and even started questioning me why I'm not very available. I'll block him today.

There are many more instances like this. I once blocked an ex professor of mine for texting me constantly. I usually stay nice to people for 3 days and then start disliking them from day 4th if they continue texting constantly. I start giving shorter replies and take longer time to respond. If that doesn't stop them, I resort to blocking. Am I giving mixed signals and then denying? People tell me that I'm a cruel and terrible person for blocking someone suddenly.

[SteveSmith1985]

No, I don't think you're a terrible person. I just think maybe you're not handling it in the best way.

This is pretty crazy to be honest. So I'm somebody who is like you insofar as people tend to share things with me that they don't feel comfortable sharing with others. I know why that is though. I'm someone who doesn't have a problem being a free therapist. Even to a stranger. But, not beyond what I think is reasonable. Nobody is expecting me to be more available than I am. I also have extremely distinct boundaries. Like you do. However, I rarely have to actually say something to maintain them.

I am trying to figure out, why people are mistaking you for someone like me, when you are not.

It's fair enough that you don't want to deal with... any of the examples you gave here. It's more than fair that you don't want to feel harassed or suffocated by someone texting you day after day.

I don't know if it applies to the situations where someone was trying to date you. I'm more talking about the guy who reached out after 3 years... or strangers confideing in you. But are you maybe more empathetic, or understanding, or something... to make these people choose YOU of all people to confide in? (I often do wonder why It's always been that way for me too). With me they're making a wise choice, with you they're making a mistake.

I have to admit, that this is something that is pretty gender-specific for me. It's girls/women. I notice that for you it's generally guys/men. Is that the case?

I'm wondering if maybe it's a matter of guys not picking up the hint. I don't have any problem with someone being "clingy." If I were in any of the situations you describe, I wouldn't be ok with it either. I don't know if it's a matter of guys being more socially obtuse when you are trying to distance yourself?

Or if it's all wrapped-up in guys who are interested in you. You having to block a professor makes me think that's possible. (but I could be totally off-base about that).

I don't really have any answer for you in terms of how to handle it better. I don't think blocking someone suddenly is great. I think it would be better to let them know that you're cutting off contact, and why. it depends on the sitution. If you're talking about someone who has inapropriate expectations about your time, availability etc then block them. If they turn it into hitting on you... also, fair enough.

I guess it depends. I have no issue at all with any of the examples you gave here. I guess I just have trouble with the other instances. I can't endorce it as a general principle.

It sounds like maybe you're giving out signals (or an impression) when you text, that you don't intend to. I have no idea what that looks like. But people seem to be mistaking your online presence as being different, than you intend. They do not see you as someone for "public transport" conversation. Why not? Lots of people are that way. Why do you not seem like one?

I don't know. There's some reasons people are choosing you, specifically. They could choose someone else, but don't. Why? What is it they're seeing (incorrectly) in you?

[Asker]

Thank you very much for your response. However I think I haven't been able to properly explain myself because of the word limit. It's not like I'm a bad person or that I hate helping people. I am inherently a nice person I believe, I can't say mean things to people even if they're very mean to me. The issue is, when I'm referring to the strangers talking in a public transport, I am referring to an attitude that does not cause attachment. I mean, I'm all ears when someone wants to talk but I expect them to not expect that same attention for days and days. I have talked to women too and it's usually them sharing their problems with me, a lot of heartfelt conversation and then not carrying it on for all the time in upcoming days, eventually taking breaks and catching up after few days. It never bothered me. However what gets on my nerve is when someone thinks I should be available for them 24/7 everyday because I did so one day when they were down. The classmate for example. I was talking to him in the weekend. Monday morning he texted me and I let him know that I'll be having classes all day. He texted me again around 12 PM to ask if I've showered (which is an odd thing to ask) and since I was at the class and didn't reply he sent me 5-6 consecutive texts saying: "are you ignoring me? What's the matter with you!" When I confronted him he got mad that I wasn't there for him like other days when he needed me. Now that's the issue. I had same problem with the guy who had a breakup. I was couple of hours late to reply and he said my silence was getting on his nerves, he couldn't stand it.

[Asker]

About my professor, he was a guest faculty, not very good at his job and a lot of students mocked him which he was aware of. I usually used to pay attention to his classes (like I did with every other teacher) and he one day texted me for some class-related help. Since we were both adults (he was 8-9 years older than me), it wasn't illegal for teachers to text students. That was my last semester. After our farewell from college, he started texting me a lot and even started flirting with me. I was feeling awkward and at one point I just blocked him since it was a very uncomfortable situation.

Basically some men that have asked emotional support from me wanted me to be there for them always and that made me feel claustrophobic. It felt like I owed them am explanation for every time I wasn't available. I didn't know how to deal with that feeling, so I blocked them.

[SteveSmith1985]

Oh first I never thought you were a bad person. But this is indeed a different situation entirely. It's not because they're guys, it's because they're messed-up guys.

That made me feel claustrophobic just to read. That's completely fine to block guys who are making you feel like you owe them some explanation for not being there.

If it's situations like this, then I don't know that there's anything to do but block them. That's fine.

That's totally totally fine. If somebody is being a creep, or making demands on you like that, then you don't owe them anything. Block them. What you need to look for, is how to spot the weirdos earlier. Because this is a male problem because these guys are looking for more than comfort. Areyou just too nice to guys who other women wouldn't even talk to maybe?

I think that your problem is a more classic creep problem. It's just they're using your empathy as an entry point. I think I would have the same problem... if women were apt to do that (which they are not).

I don't know if there's anything you can do but try and spot them, so you can block them earlier.

[Asker]

Thank you. I think I have an inherent belief that people aren't generally bad. The strangers I talked to seemed outwardly fine, educated, cultured etc. For the friend, I felt bad to ignore him thinking that ignoring someone who was once your classmate just because they made bad life decisions is a very arrogant thing. For the professor, at first I talked to him because he was my professor and teachers are highly respected in my culture. I wasn't expecting him to have other motives. I appear as a cold person outwardly and I get criticised a lot for that. So I think I probably compensate for these things by not making assumptions about people before they turn out to be jerks. You're right, I gotta try to spot them.

[Anonymous]

Yeah it’s not a good thing to just randomly block people

[Asker]

I know that. But when I talk a lot to someone (usually during vacations or weekends) or when people tell me about their issues, I expect it to not extend beyond a certain point of time. Some people don't understand that and keep texting, and at that point they just want to small talk like "what are you doing?", "did you eat?" etc. As I told another person in the comments, someone sent me six texts because I didn't answer his "did you shower"(I won't answer an unrelated man if I had showered) when he knew very well that I was at class at that time. These people got mad that I wasn't available 24×7, one said my silence was getting on his nerves. Probably blocking isn't the best option but I don't understand what to do at such situations. Any suggestions?

[Opinion Owner]

Explain in a nice way that they’re texting you too much.

[Opinion Owner]

thanks for mho

[In_Trance]

How does someone get clingy over text?

[Asker]

Constantly texting, getting mad if you don't reply quickly, expecting you to text daily etc.

[In_Trance]

Block em. Move on

[Asker]

Yeah, that's what I do. People around me tell me that I'm a terrible person for that.

[In_Trance]

I don't see how this is a talking point with people around you

[yotaman99]

Well I never make it that far usually lol