Was my friend rude or am I too sensitive?

[Lalalove11]

Was my friend rude or am I too sensitive

I stayed on Thursday at hers and we went away for the whole day on Friday. It was very late when we got back so I stayed again. Basically didn't have a way back

She then came in saying she's gonna take tomorrow for herself. She asked will I get the bus. I said I'll probably get a lift. She said what time. I said I honestly don't know (explained about the person in getting a lift from). Then I said maybe lunch time?

She said like? around 12? Anyway it felt awkward.

Today she got up and made coffee for herself. I was on the couch. We said hi. Then we were on our phones. She said do you have any updates on the lift? I felt like I was being pushed out of her place and it put me in an awkward position.

Am I overreacting to her boundaries or was her delivery unnecessarily rude. I understand needing time for yourself but I felt the way she went about it was quite abrupt and cold.

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

This, limited, description of your interactions makes her sounding neutral, as is:

• She first announced her plans for the day after
• She enquired about your trip back
• She wanted a more precise time, you couldn't tell, which is okay
• She then asked, the day after, for a precise time

The thing with your description is that you describe her as neutral, you only mentioned your emotions. And maybe she is neutral, or maybe your description does not mention her mood/emotions/feelings. I cannot tell.

Without more elements, in your seat, and if I didn't know much this friend or her common behaviors with me then... I would think "wow, she's quite assertive, strict, organized". But I would not take it personally because it would probably be her general attitude in life, not against me. And then it would be okay for me.

So far, based on your description, I don't find her rude, and I don't find you too sensitive. What I think, also using what I know from you, is that you could have been caught by surprise with her approach to you. And then you started to attribute blame, in your mind, blaming you, or her.

That's why I'm showing you the possibility that neither of you are at fault 😌

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

Also, I'm summoning @Lynx122 for his insightful perspective about autism & interactions, that may be of interest here. Hi Lynx 👋🏼

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

While we're at it, I'm summoning @VIVANT for adjacent reasons. Hi VIVANT 👋🏼

[Lalalove11]

Okay I would describe her as pressurising. It was late at night and I couldn't contact the person who was giving a lift. It was an awkward position as I felt I was being pushed out abruptly. I respect her need for space, totally. She is an introvert like me and needs space, I get that, I also said that to her. I felt the way she went about it was rude because I had no way of knowing at the time how I was getting home. She came in in the morning and was being loud, slamming the presses and made herself some coffee. I can tell you anytime she makes coffee she asks everyone if they want any, but that's fine I don't expect her to make me any it's just it was our of character. Anyway that's fine, it's her day. But it's like she got in her mind that I was no longer a guest and more of an annoyance? Not even a friend is what if felt like. I wouldn't treat my friends like this even if I badly want space. But that's just me. If I have a guest I wouldn't make them feel that unwelcome or not offer any food in the morning or tea at least. Again maybe that's just me or there's some sort of cultural differences. She Sat down this morning and straight away asked what time I was leaving. I personally think there are better ways of asserting boundaries than restoring to this. But I know I'm a sensitive person and have to keep it in mind. I wonder if I over react or take it too personally.

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

I understand your perspective and how you feel treated, you're giving me more of it. But I have a hard time defining what's her perspective, it's still too thin from your additional elements

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

And, well, I wouldn't react like that as a host but it's related to my personality, I'm not defined as "assertive, strict, organized", really not lol

[Lalalove11]

Yes true I'm not assertive or strict either.
I guess she was annoyed I stayed over again? I don't know really.

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

The thing is, you could be caught between what you feel and what feelings she really transmitted, that's what I'd like to elucidate

[Lalalove11]

Yeah that's what I'm struggling with. Was I rude for overstaying my welcome?

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

Based on your description, if what you did is rude then the world is doomed lol. I mean, rudeness is so subjective, so if you attempt to micro-manage the subjectivity of others, your life has to become hell on earth. As it would become much too complicated to deal with people then.

There are basic rules of interaction to use.

There was an implicit agreement here, you spent a night at your friend's place, you were both agreeing. So you can't be rude. Then she asked you when can you leave because she wanted you to leave, you answered in reasonable capacity, in the moment. So you can't be rude. And finally she enquired again to hear of your definitive answer, to set her schedule. You answered again. So you can't be rude.

Now you're thinking you're rude apparently because someone on the internet randomly told you that you are. I understand you're looking for answers, but watch out for who you ask. This is GaG, this place is random. The point is not to see you at the mercy of anyone's answer, that includes me. For example, you thanked someone in the comments who is manifestly rude by coming up with aggressive statements about you, these statements are uncalled for. So that is rude.

[Lalalove11]

Yes I blocked her. I thanked her sarcastically. It was unhelpful and a personal attack but it made me wonder if I could've been inconsiderate by overstaying my welcome. Looking at it it's not logical though

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

I'm glad to hear that the thanks was sarcastic lol

No, it isn't logical, it is as you said, a random attack by someone random on the internet

[Lynx122]

I don't know it depends on the circumstances I guess. Like how long did you both expect your visit to last when it started? For example if she thought on the second day you were gonna go home at the end of the trip but you didn't notice it, then it would be normal to get annoyed. I feel like you 2 didn't communicate very well and that's why she became very blunt at the end. But i wasn't there so I don't know the details.

[Lalalove11]

You're right there wasn't good communication and I could've said is It okay if I stay tonight. I wrote down what happened earlier in my notes to try see it objectively
Stayed overnight we agreed on that
Came home very late next day
Stayed again. We all arrived late, tired, her mate went straight to bed.
When on the couch she said what is our plan for tomorrow , I think I'll take the day for myself
How will you get home bus, lift? I'm not sure I think I can get a lift
At what time? Not sure yet. Depends what they're doing honestly. Maybe lunch time?
Like? 12?
Yeah maybe

Next day makes coffee just for her self
Is being quite loud in kitchen slams the cupboards twice
(Not like her at all)
Sits down. Put her coffee on the table also really loudly (?)

Asks any updates on the lift?
I said yeah they're on the way
She says okay, then goes to her room
Stays in her room 😭 until my lift came

Felt like I was an inconvenience more than a friend. I left at 12 but should've left earlier I don't know. But I'll try not to take it personally

[Lalalove11]

She said she'll take the day for herself *

[Lynx122]

Yes something you did must have pissed her off. Maybe you can invite her over to your place and you can talk it out :)

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

Yep, with these new info you deliver about the interactions, I trust the Lynx, there seems to be something untold floating around. Talking it out would be good

[Lalalove11]

@Maybe_Maybe_not I mean.. we were okay until then. I realised she's quite controlling actually.

[CarolinaCutie5]

The fact that you don't see the issue with what you did shows you lack accountability, don't respect people's boundaries and wear out your welcome. This is why she's your only friend and will most likely be your last. You're clingy and have no right to extend your stay in her home. That was absolutely rude and if I were her I'd never speak to you again. You're clingy and have no life outside and no friends outside of her. You're rude

[Lalalove11]

Not entirely true I have other friends. I didn't want to overstay but had no way home. We all went straight to bed when we got back from our trip. Thanks for your help though

[CarolinaCutie5]

Yeah you came accross as unorganized and inconsiderate. She has a life and plans.

[wkhan_87]

Sounds like both conditions applying a bit