Friendship not reciprocated, is it me?

[Gabeinsf781]

Quick facts about me...

Currently in 18 year toxic relationship, turned 40 this year, male, never had real friends all my life due to shyness and anxiety. I feel I jumped into my relationship to fast for the sake of finally being with someone.

Currently work at a hospital. Been there for 13 years and it's broken me out of my shell. I've changed in good ways as sr as shyness and being more open.

In the process I made a friend. She's 36, with long term boyfriend, two kids. We get along so well. Feels like the sister I never had. We are vulnerable with each other at times. Mainly me. We laugh all the time and just keep each other company. But the thing is...

I've complimented her so much. To show appreciation for who she is and how she brings good into my life. I've done sweet thoughtful things as a friend. Brought a coffee or some snacks type of deal

But it's getting to a point where she never reciprocates. I never hear compliments. Never have sweet thought ful things done for me. Not that I care honestly but it makes me feel pathetic for even doing it to her. But it's confusing because when she sees me, she acts normal and likes having me around and asks about my life and gives advice sometimes. But I can't help but feel stupid and hurt

I'm thinking of being the old me and closing myself off again including to her because I hate feeling this way. I hurt enough already so for me to feel this way toward someone I felt was a great friend of three years now, it sucks.

Help me. What should I do? Should I follow through with my plan of being quiet and stoic again through work?

[HollyK21]

I think you’re somewhat in denial about your feelings, because you can’t say you “honestly don’t care”, yet provide multiple reasons as to why you do care, including the very title.


If lack of reciprocation is making you feel stupid, hurt and pathetic then just stop doing it. She probably finds it interesting anyway that as a married man you treat her like your work-wife. I’m sure that isn’t your attention and in your mind these are just genuinely friendly gestures, on her end she’s got this guy at work always taking care of her, buying her things, etc while he’s got a wife at home. Married men just shouldn’t do that, not regularly at least.


You lose nothing by putting all that to a stop.

[HollyK21]

**intention not attention

[Gabeinsf781]

Wow needed to read that... Thank you
I'll be backing off. I'm not married and my relationship with my girlfriend is toxic as hell but I need to work on myself and not pay so much attention to this other woman who gives me attention sometimes and makes me feel hard. But thank you for your honesty! It will help me

[Gabeinsf781]

Heard!** not hard lol

[HollyK21]

No problem at all dude I’m glad to help. In my opinion, maybe it’s time to really think about whether or not the relationship you’re currently in is still for you. You made mention of the fact that you sorta got into it too fast due to excitement, and when we take the toxicity into account, I think you’ve been reluctant to commit on that level after 18 years for a reason.

If you’re in a place where you need to work on yourself (especially mentally) then it’s great that you can acknowledge it. But it’ll be hard to see any real progress when you’re still attached to the biggest hindrance which is that relationship. You can’t get back the 18 years you’ve put in, but that doesn’t mean you need to sink 18 more into a relationship that is no longer fulfilling you. I’m not saying the relationship is all bad — I’m sure there are some redeeming qualities and I’m sure you love her. However, if the bad is starting to outweigh the good, then that’s your cue to go. Self preservation is so important.

If anything, I don’t think this work experience is something to worry about — you weren’t intentionally trying to cross any lines. At the same time, I think for most men in good, happy relationships, respecting their partner just becomes second nature. They wouldn’t think to (or want to) excessively compliment another woman, buy her thoughtful little gifts and do their best to make that woman feel special/appreciated. Usually that much attention to detail and care is given to their own woman. So for you to not only do all that for another woman, but feel so negatively impacted by lack of reciprocation, makes me think that maybe there’s more to the emotion behind your friendly gestures than you realize. And maybe it’s a sign that you are ready to go explore your options and find true happiness/love elsewhere.

[HollyK21]

Also disclaimer, this is just me giving you some food for thought lol. I’m not trying to get too personal or anything, I just recognize that sometimes certain situations put us in positions to see the bigger picture that maybe we couldn’t see before. Sometimes one thing has to happen in order to gain insight on another. I genuinely wonder if this whole experience was really just meant to be an eye opener for you, in more way than one. You seem like a good dude, don’t sell yourself short or settle. Find the love you deserve while you’re still around to enjoy it. Time is fleeting and tomorrow isn’t promised.

[Gabeinsf781]

While I'm still around to enjoy it... so very true and sadly, a thought that has run through my mind while thinking of suicide in my car. This relationship is a roller coaster. Good times mixed with mental abuse and being controlled. Physical abuse happened within the first two years but I was to young and desperate to do anything about it.

Now that I feel different as if I can actually make friends and open up and be who I believed I can be in the past, I feel like I can't and I am constrained.

You are totally right. Maybe this situation is happening to help me see other things. Help me see what needs to be done. But with so much mixed it is all complicated. Sick dog. Mixed bills. Shared huge storage unit. I can't just get up and leave. So part of me feels stuck. Hopeless. Which is probably why I looked to this other female friend for good friendly company where I get to smile and laugh.

Your words are again appreciated and I will keep them in mind. Thank you!

[HollyK21]

I totally get it —easier said than done. However, that doesn’t make it less necessary, and even if it took some time to separate your assets, there will eventually be a light at the end of the tunnel. Back when I was in a similar situation, someone once said to me: “if I told you that this was as good as the relationship was ever going to get, would you still want to stay?”. My answer was NO, didn’t even have to think twice about it and that’s when I knew what needed to be done. It took me some time, but now I’m in a much better relationship, engaged and to think I never would’ve found this person if I’d kept letting my toxic ex block the doorway.

Hearing what you’ve not only gone through but currently experience, reminds me a lot of how I used to feel, and I really hope you find the courage to walk away from that woman. If you already struggle with mental health, the last thing you need is someone who negatively impacts it. Even despite the good times, those hard ones only sink you deeper into this hole of helplessness and depression. You deserve a lot more.

Also, no problem at all! Take the time you need, but try keeping things in perspective. Wishing you luck in this situation 🙏

[RedAlertAdvisor]

I don't think the solution is to become quiet and closed off again. What stands out to me is that you've spent 18 years in a toxic relationship and are only now experiencing what a meaningful friendship feels like. Because of that, it's possible you're placing a lot of emotional weight on this one connection.
Not everyone shows appreciation the same way. Some people give compliments and thoughtful gestures, while others show care by listening, making time for you, remembering details, or being present when you need them.
Before assuming she doesn't value you, ask yourself: if you stopped bringing coffee, compliments and extra effort for a month, would the friendship still exist?
If the answer is yes, then the friendship may be more balanced than it feels right now.
I wouldn't close yourself off. I'd focus on building more connections so that one friendship doesn't have to carry all of your emotional needs.

[Gabeinsf781]

I do need to make other connections. And to be honest, I’ve pulled away before and she came to me. Asking if i was ok and put effort into having me around. I feel if i did that again she would notice and do the same. This woman is special. Eventhough my social life has been a strange different one, her friendship feels worth holding on to.

[RedAlertAdvisor]

I think that's an important detail. If you've pulled away before and she noticed and made an effort to reconnect, that suggests the friendship matters to her too.
Building other connections is still healthy, but that doesn't mean this friendship isn't valuable. Sometimes the goal isn't to replace a meaningful connection, but to take some pressure off it.

[OneViewpoint]

She has a boyfriend and 2 kids. She may have felt you were catching feelings for her. Which you were. So she dialed it back because you were making her uncomfortable. It sounds like a you problem rather than a her problem.

Get some more friends. Doesn't have to be tons of friends but 5 or 6. Don't put all the load on one person. That can wear out a friendship fast. Basically get a life. Get some interests. Create a little separation with any given friend from time to time. Do different stuff with different friends.

Don't take this the wrong way but you don't have a normally developed social life. And you don't seem to understand how that affects other people around you. Time to grow up.

[Gabeinsf781]

I definitely agree with you and am actually recognizing that. My plan is to take time to work on myself and make myself a better person. Focus on my needs rather then try to please others, including her, eventhough she's been nothing but a sweet friend who cheers me on in life. Thank you for your honest words!

[OneViewpoint]

I'm happy my words landed as intended. Half the battle is recognizing you need to change. You made one friend, you can make more. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Why it took 18 years I'm sure they been other men tried to turn your head

[In_Trance]

You're wasting your time