How can I set boundaries with an overbearing mother while living at home?

[Anonymous]

I’m an adult and unfortunately I’m still living at home. I want to move out but everything is expensive. Sometimes I feel like my mother is glued to my hip. She still treats me like I’m a child. There are times where she insists on taking to places I can go alone. Even though I can drive myself like to the store. Perfect example, I’m waiting for her today to go to early voting when I wanted to go during the week to avoid the lines. If I don’t wait she’ll guilt trip me making me feel bad.

[AmandaYVR]

That's a tough one. In an ideal world, you would move out and be able to live your life independently. You know this, yet multiple people have been unnecessarily insulting here, saying it, and I don't want to go down that path. But I do feel it's important to say that moving out and suffering through those first, difficult financial times is something many of us have done, and although it's hard, it's not all bad. You do learn things, like budgeting, decision-making, how to shop (I bought some of my first items at the Goodwill and Salvation Army-type places), sacrifice, compromise, etc. What is considered a starter home today would be lavish in a prior time. But I feel you on apartment living. They're getting smaller and smaller, less and less storage space, etc.

The worst part for me was roommates. Whoever moves in, you're stuck with them. And that can be a living hell. And they are their own person, who you may not know, and therefore there is no loyalty, there is only another person out for themselves. They can leave you high and dry at any time. So make sure your name is not the only on the lease, or you get a large damage deposit and enough months' rent from them. After multiple of those bad situations, I squeezed myself into a tiny studio, but I was finally free of others. You spend more time outdoors so as not to be cooped up. Anyway, aside from that, most people survive it relatively intact, and that newfound freedom you've gained makes it worth it. And I think the longer people go before experiencing hardship, the harder it becomes. ?

I second what Mariogirl said. Your mother may come to appreciate you more if you're not there. This is true of almost everyone. They miss what is gone. My stepfather, whom I was never close with, changed noticeably after I moved out. It was so stark, the contrast. I can only conclude that he suddenly respected me. When I would come back for visits, he suddenly found me interesting and asked many questions about the experiences I was having. We stayed up late talking, for the first time ever. This isn't something that people ever tell the other beforehand. Maybe they don't even know. But respect and resentment can very much build up and be at play in situations like this. While you continue living there, the more you behave as an adult, the more chance you have of gaining respect. It's not always age-based. It's action-based. You both must get something out of this. Are you saving money? How is her financial situation? Do you have a plan or estimated end? Do you pay rent? Any of the bills? Do work around the house? Yard work? Car maintenance or brining them in for servicing? Act as the man of the house with problems, that sort of thing? Perhaps counterintuitively, the more you contribute, the more you earn your independence and autonomy. It becomes more of a delineation of work/housework and leisure/private time.

Have you discussed your concerns with her and she disagrees? If you haven't yet, or it was unsuccessful, maybe you could write your thoughts down in a carefully worded letter or card to her. Be fair, consider her perspective, but say it is time, this is what you need, and this is what you think the relationship needs. Some things can be irreparably damaged and then there's no going back to a healthy dynamic.
If you have already tried, then gently assert your autonomy in an indirect, non-confrontational way. Spend more time out of the house, don't inform her of your plans, and just sort of quietly acquire your independence. In the example you gave, don't discuss voting. Try to skirt the topic, once you've decided you want to do early voting, and you know she won't want to. You slip out one day and do it, and then just plead innocence/ignorance if she later gripes. You can both drive. (The real solution is for her to sign-up for mail-in voting.)

The more you take on, the more you do, the more you can justify your independence and time alone. Good luck.

(P. S. I'm testing out a formatting problem in GAG to try to counteract their lack of paragraph break spacing, so if the paragraph break spacing ends up being janky, apologies. GAG never fixes their bad tech.)

[Asker]

I do pay rent. I also help out around the house both inside and outside. I take care of all the yard work too. I take care of my own car and help with theirs too. My vehicle is insured and registered in my name. As far as finances I am saving up. My mother’s finances are good as well. I actually have a little over $250,000 saved. I’ve invested in some of it which helped too. I’ve also helped with repairs around the house too. When my father was about to give up and pay a plumber to fix our kitchen sink, I stepped in and took care of the problem even though he doubted me.

[ChiTown33]

That's next to impossible man. You're living in her house. So you're not on equal footing. And she is your parent. As my mom always used to remind me, "I will always command a certain level of respect simply because i'm your mother, i've earned that". And she was right. But as a man you want to grow and surpass you parents. It's how we grow and expand as a species. But parents, whether you're 4 or 40 will always feel they know what's best for you. It just means they care. You can't fault them for that. And one day your mother won't be here. And one thing you'll know then if you don't know it already. Parents generally top a very short list of people who want the best for you without wanting anything back in return.

My advice to you is try to remind your mom you are a fully grown man. Because parents have a habit of seeing you perpetually as kids. And then try to be as patient with her as possible. Because that's what ADULTS do. They're patient. When kids are young prents parent. As kids become adults eventually parents become old andcfeeble. Then you essentially become caretakers of your parents. Just always be mindful that your mom will likely never relinquish that power dynamic. In their minds they will always be in control. And you need grace enough to understand that. And respect that (doesn't mean you have to necessarily like it, but understand it).

[HollyK21]

Literally I was about to comment this. His mother will never see him as an equal adult until he’s out of her house. Even then she may still have certain overbearing tendencies, but there would still be a different level of respect.

[Asker]

Wow thank you for this. This has opened my eyes a little. You think it will get better if and when I move out? I really want to but it’s tough. Especially with a higher bidder.

[Asker]

@HollyK21 both my sisters moved out. My one sister doesn’t contact any of us anymore. My other sister had to move back. Even when she had her own place my mother still tried to control her.

[ChiTown33]

It will get better on your end. You'll have a door that you can close and lock to the world. Don't expect too much to change with your mother though. Because you have to understand this is not personal in a bad way with her. But you can shut your mom out (i don't recommend doing that). But she will have to respect your idependence. But know she will be proud of you. As all mom's are when thier son's take on the world... followed by worrying about him doing it.🤣 You're not going to change this. It's ingrained in her.

You want the most harmony. with her? Give her hugs, thank her for all she's done for you. And give her as little to stress about you as possible.

[Anonymous]

I think you should make moving out your priority, even if it means starting with a small apartment or getting a roommate. Start saving towards it now. You can love your mother without having to live under her control. In the meantime, stop feeling guilty about doing things on your own. You're an adult, and you don't need her permission to live your life...

[Pterodon]

Well living in her home you really can’t. Just keep telling yourself your living situation is only temporary. When you get your own place then you can make all the boundaries you want and have leverage. I grew up hearing “this is my house and my rules and when you get your own place then you can have your own rules.” Get yourself own place

[Mariogirl09]

You have to get your own stuff and avoid her. Unfortunately this same thing happened to me until I moved out

[Asker]

It took until you moved out for it to stop?

[Mariogirl09]

I mean man she was just so overbearing I had to move out. And then you start not being in contact for a while. Then she misses you. Then starts treating you with a little more respect

[Asker]

I’ll have to start looking for something

[slatyb]

You set boundaries and stick to them. You are an adult, not her slave. Are you contributing to household expenses?

[Asker]

Yes I pay rent and help a lot around the house. Along with repairs as well.

[slatyb]

Just say no. She needs you just as much as you need her. She may shriek. Let her, but stand your ground.

[Spencer10]

I dont think you can. Its not your home so how can you make the rules?

[Asker]

I’m not say anything about making rules. I follow by them and help a lot around the house.

[Nikki1989]

Grow up. move out. You’re a grown man now.

[MrChinaski]

Move out. This is your life. Right here, right now. Live it.

[In_Trance]

You can't. Get your own place. You're not a child