Guys - How do you know you are the "safe guy"?

[Anonymous]

If you aren't sure what a "safe guy" is then its basically the guy a girl can have on the back burner who is unattractive (at least to her) and no other girl would want. She doesn't have to worry about you finding someone else because no one else would want you. You are just there as a back up plan if things don't work with a guy (or guys) she is currently talking to. You are loyal and that is your downfall. Also, you may be going on dates with her but she is just wanting some free meals and free movies out of it and she doesn't really want anything else.

Guys - what are signs of this?

Girls - why would you string someone along like this? (I'm not saying that YOU have done this (or are currently doing this) but I would bet you at least know or have one female friend that has done this (or is currently doing this)).

[jrose]

I have never, ever done that! I can't honestly think of a female friend I know of who has done that, but then again, I only have a couple close female friends and the rest are guys. I think that's a really horrid way to treat anyone and I find myself wondering why anyone would put up with it? I know, if you really like a girl, you'll do a whole lot for her and put up with some of her crap in hopes that she'll finally fall for you. But if she is honestly only using you to pay for her to go out, doesn't that make her a pretty mercenery and unfeeling person who you probably wouldn't want to date anyway? I will never get past girls who use guys just for money/paying for things- it's just so base and unattractive to me. I have heard of girls who go out to clubs/bars without money and then proceed to find guys to pay for their night- but never continually with the same guy. If there are girls like that, they really aren't worth your time and perhaps you should move on and find girls who are genuinely interested or will at least not lead you on.

But, I also think sometimes guys seem to think ALL women will try to use guys for "free" dates, when sometimes they're just trying to build a friendship. True, a girl should NOT expect a guy to pay for everything (even when dating, but especially when they're just friends), but if a guy continually offers to pay or just pays a lot of the time, it isn't always intentional. I have had this happen before- hanging out with a new guy friend who would always beat me to the theatre and get the tickets then refuse money for them, pay for the pizza before I got my wallet, buy me a drink when we were out etc. Eventually, I just insisted on paying for my own and paying for him every once in awhile to make up the difference because it made me uncomfortable, but it took awhile for me to get the courage to do that- I didn't want to offend him or seem ungrateful. I do think it's especially cruel if a girl KNOWS you like her and lets you do this, a girl should always be up front about wanting only to be friends if she knows the guy wants more.

I'm still shocked girls actually do this to guys!

[ArtistBboy]

Jrose, I agree with your input and it is quite shocking. But unfortunately I would recommend learning about society a little bit, and I'm not trying to be rude. Your answer gave me a strong sense of you being naive to the way we all co-exist. People will take abuse of that power when they interact with you, and that could put you in some really bad positions.

[jrose]

I suppose you might think me a little niaeve from my answer. But it's not that I'm completely unaware of power dynamics or that people will use power to their advantage (we ALL do that), it's just that I find it difficult to believe that there is a large percentage of women who are so unfeeling and mercenery.I know there are people out there who will use you all they can and never look back, but it's my belief that most people are basically good and don't go around not caring about who they hurt

[Anonymous]

I've done it but not intentionally (at least I don't think so). I treat him and view him as just a friend. I never ask him to hang out on a one to one basis, if it is one to one, t hen it's because he asked me and I feel bad saying no after refusing him so many other times. In situations such as this, usually the guy is very very aware that he is the "safe guy", because he wants her and she just wants him as a friend. It's not considering string along. The guy should man up, leave her if he's unhappy in the situation and find someone else (and don't give me that bull sh*t about being too ugly because that's what it is - bull sh*t. guys can easily get the girls if they go after the not so attractive ones if they themselves aren't attractive, after all it's about being a match).

Also, the girl doesn't string the guy along because they guy puts himself in that situation of chasing the girl. Don't like it? then don't chase.

Simple no?

[ArtistBboy]

You had me going until the part about the ugly guy should date the ugly girl. What kind of crap is that? If any of the people that read my comment step out their door and into the real world, not these MTV shows and socialising websites; you will see that people often-times call "ugly" the wrong word.

Ugly to me - Is the bum with no teeth, raggedy hair, smells like fish, and gives you the creepy-tom-smile.

Ugly in reference to this answer is- The fat guy that can't get girls.

(Continued)

[Asker]

But if she is leading him on and acting like she likes him then how is it his fault if she is doing that? Yes the guy should be aware that it may be her just leading him on but you can't be suspicious of everyone or it will never work with anyone.

[ArtistBboy]

So if you're talking about the "Big Betty" or "creepy uncle tom"... You're spot on the money. But if someone has a few extra pounds but a great personality, they aren't ALL that bad. Granted, they probably won't end up with a supermodel like Hugh Hefner. But I hope you're all getting the point.

- "Fat men" are not ugly; neither are "Shy men".. neither are "Fat women" neither are "shy women"... etc etc etc.

Uglyness comes from a low/zero desire to put effort into one's self.

[Asker]

And you said - "Also, the girl doesn't string the guy along because they guy puts himself in that situation of chasing the girl. Don't like it? then don't chase."

So by that same analogy could I also say that if I robbed a liquor store at gunpoint and shot the clerk to death it was his fault for working there and putting himself in a job/situation where something like that could happen?

[ArtistBboy]

EXACTLY QA... Great points.

[Asker]

You too ArtistBboy - I hate how TV always makes it look like you HAVE to be attractive to get someone attractive (and I don't mean "hot"). And it always makes it look like someone who is overweight is the stupid, doesn't know his a** from a hole in the ground type.

Ugly gets thrown around too much - other words that get thrown around too much are:

Love - "I love that show" (no you just really like that show)

Hate - you play a prank on a friend and they say "I hate you"

Gay - "That is so gay"

[Opinion Owner]

I used the word ugly because the QA said that the girl found the guy unattractive and that the guy would never attract any girl. That's the definition of ugly isn't it? And ugly don't have to refer to just looks, it could also mean a horrible personality.

And yes the ugly guy is going to date the ugly girl, the hot guy will date the hot girl. That's just life

[Opinion Owner]

So by that same analogy could I also say that if I robbed a liquor store at gunpoint and shot the clerk to death it was his fault for working there....

--

that's a ridiculous and extreme analogy and anyone with an ounce of logic can see that the 2 situations are nowhere near alike....

[ArtistBboy]

Hence the phrase: "So if you're talking about the "Big Betty" or "creepy uncle tom"... You're spot on the money."... Do you bother to read, or just to combat what others are saying...?

Regardless, I'm done with this answer, but I do see where you're coming from.

[sunshine2]

treats you like a bitch. talks about other guys with you, esspecially ones she may like, to het your 'guy' opinion. asks you for advice- like a girl man.

she'll ditch you for other people, but apologize after if it didn't work out, or just to keep you on.

i think if you this doubtful its probably what's happenin. trust your guts.

hope I helped

hey and your never someone nobody wants. there's a hell of a lot of people out there.

[Asker]

Thats true - the only one of those things she did was talk about other guys. Not ones she is interested in but ones she used to talk to and didn't like or ex-boyfriends. It got on my nerves but she always ended up saying something like "but your not like him" or something.

I'm not sure why she talked about them. Maybe she just didn't get the idea that its not a good idea to talk about ex's with someone that is interested in you (and you seem to be interested in yourself).

[sunshine2]

Maybe she is useing you for comfort. knowing that you'll never do what 'they did' and your 'safe' in that sense. your like a recoperation clinic.

if I liked someone, I would most definitely not talk about my exs like that.

[Asker]

Yea same here but she is a little younger than me (I'm 22 she is 18). As frustrating as it was I did look at is as a learning experience at the same time - her ex did this to p*ss her off so I shouldn't do that. Learn from his mistake type of thing.

I did mention my ex only once or twice but that was mainly because she asked about it.

[sunshine2]

Then I don't know.

[ArtistBboy]

It's actually called the "Nice-Guy"... Don't confuse that with "He's a nice guy"... Nice-Guy is terminology for the (un)attractive guy (physical appearance) that doesn't create attraction and interest (Emotion feelings towards the situation between each other).

- The "nice guy" is there to boost her self esteem by complimenting her and taking her out for "dates" that are just two friends getting together, but she knows you like her, and you're unsure if she likes you. So the whole time you focus your efforts on her, you feel like she is just wanting attention.

That girl described in your first half of the question - AVOID HER. Period.

- "you may be going on dates with her but she is just wanting some free meals and free movies out of it and she doesn't really want anything else." ... A free ride is NOT attractive and there is no amount of money that will instantly change her mind. It's how she feels... If you don't understand that, read this: link ... After reading that, try to find what WORKS (not what isn't working)... You can tell what works by gauging her interest and laughter.

Signs of you being the "Nice Guy"

- You always pay the dime when you go out to eat, thinking that it's chivalrous that you do so.

- You second guess trying to playfight with her because you think she is fragile.

- She tells you that she "isn't ready to date" (indirect) or that she is not interested (direct)

- She tries to avoid "romantic" moments with you (caressing / invading personal space / etc)

- She flirts with you, but doesn't allow you to escalate things towards a relationship.

etc

Basically, everything FEELS like you are going somewhere, but in reality.. You aren't.

Read that site that I recommended above, it specifies a lot about this topic.

link

Good luck man. I'm here if you need further assistance,

~ ArtistBBoy

[jrose]

I agree with all of your points except the one about if she says she's not interested. If she says she's not interested then you should probably get the point and it's no longer leading a guy on because she TOLD you point blank.Maybe she wants to be friends,maybe she likes attention,maybe she's lonely, and none of that makes it ok to use you,but if she tells you that, you should probably stop wasting time/money trying to convince her.If you still want to be friends,go ahead,but not on your dime.

[ArtistBboy]

Thanks Jrose, but I actually agree with you. I'm unaware of where I was speaking about being friends with that girl. If you could point out the segment you were referring to, I'll try and recap what I was getting at.

[tex151]

Why would you put up with that, why would you want a chick that thinks your ugly, says that she doesn't have to worry about you getting with another girl because your so ugly, and just gets a free ride from you? Let me rephrase that what man in their right sane of mind would put up with that sh*t, seriously, she is getting free stuff from you, probably sleeping with other guys, and all you get is a an insult from the bitch.

If any chick ever tried to do that to me, I would gladly emotionally scar her for life, if she was skinny I would make her think she was fat, hey if she goes anorexic oh well shouldn't have f***ed with me to begin with, if she thought she was gods most beautiful creature on this earth I would make damn sure she thought she was the ugliest person on this earth. I would most deffinantly proudly give her a taste of her own medicine.

[Asker]

If she tells me that I am only there for that reason then I would not be there. And I would pretty much do what you said about f*cking with them.

But I'm wondering more of how do you know if you are there for that reason if she is acting like she likes you (and not telling you that you are only a back up plan)?

[takemedrunkimhome]

I think it would be obvious to the guy if he was the 'safe guy'. It isn't hard to tell.

I don't know why girls do it though. Totally clueless.

[ArtistBboy]

Possibly the username?

[takemedrunkimhome]

Wow.. geez, I guess I should stop going round telling every girl I date that I'm a member on GAG and that my username is 'takemedrunkimhome' then huh? Since I actually don't drink and chose my username randomly that seems to be the only way it's going to impact me. It would be pretty ignorant to make judgements about someone based on their username wouldn't it ArtistBboy?

[greeneyedgal]

@ ArtistBboy-"Takemedrunkimhome" is highly intelligent and personable. If you spoke to him from time to time like I do then you'd probably share the same opinion.

Peace.