She accuses me of ignoring her and ditching her. Why does she say this?

[monica94]

I've known one of my closest friends since the 6th grade and we are entering 11th this year. We have been close friends from the start. The thing is that whenever I have a boyfriend she accuses me of ignoring her and ditching her. She also says that I'm only friends with her when its convenient for me. I don't think she understands that I need to spend time with my boyfriend apart from spending time with her. Sometimes she takes it to extremes like calling me profanities and 'unfriending' me. Why does she act like this?

[JanJan]

Doesn't it suck when this happens? I've seen this happen too many times. Here's some advice...

Now honestly think about this... maybe you ARE ignoring your friend just a little. Yes, relationships are great. And yes, you want to spend time with him. That is normal. But remember how it felt to hang out with her before he came along? It should still feel that fun, and you should continue to spend a decent amount of time with her. Try setting aside time every week to spend with her. Lunch hour every Monday, or movie night every Sunday, or something. She needs to feel needed.

This also may be a little bit about HER. She may be jealous of the time you spend with him, or jealous that you have a boyfriend, or a mixture of the two. Or maybe she worries that she will loose you forever. Even if she is acting a little too extreme, her fears may be legitimate.

Instead of dismissing her worries, sit her down and let her tell you what she is worried about. Listen to her, and try and keep an open mind. After she is done, tell her how you feel. Don't dismiss her worries, but don't be afraid to tell her (nicely) if you are offended by her lack of trust or feel that she is not being fair. But try and find a happy medium. Make sure YOU put in the effort to spend time with her regularly, and SHE tries to accept the boyfriend's influence on your life. Eventually she should understand that she is not being replaced, and will back off.

[monica94]

The thing is that I sat with her at lunch everyday when we were still in school before summer vacation. I split my time between them two, and all my other friends aren't complaining except for her. I've tried to talk to her but every time I do she just blows me off and doesn't want to hear it. I don't know what to do, I don't want to lose her as a friend but I also don't want to lose him.

[JanJan]

That does sound like a predicament. You've tried to talk to her many times, but it seems that she is unwilling to hear your side of the story. Next time you try this, tell her that you deserve to state you opinion. It is unfair for her to force hers on you without allowing you to reciprocate. Try saying something along the lines of "I know that you have been feeling neglected lately, and I want us to make things right. But in order for that to happen I need you to listen to my opinion too."