Guy is interested?

[Anonymous]

He's a PhD. Around 26 years.. I'm a masters student. I ve seen him a couple of times and I ve noticed he notices me. I ve crossed paths with him on the streets and I saw him stare at me few times. 2 days ago, he was in the postgraduate room which has a outdoor balcony. So he was looking at the campus. I was going home but I looked up to see if he was there, I saw him, smoking and he looking at me. I quickly looked away and walked on. Similar thing happened when I went to get books from the library. He was borrowing books at the self checkout and I had a mask on. But he's seen me with a mask so I think he recognised me. Anyway, he did rhe same. Looked and when I caught him. He looked away. Then I looked back and saw him looking again and he started looking here and there after I noticed him doing so. Today I crossed paths with him again and the moment he saw me, he quickly looked away in the other direction of the road. Why 😭Do you think he likes me?

[horatiohornblower]

He likes you and is quite shy about this sort of thing. With the quick look away when you catch him. You can just walk up to him and say hi every time he does that. Might shake him out of it and approach you more casually. If he learns you always want to talk to him.

If you want to be more forward and make him squirm. You could always tell him next time. That you like it when he looks at you. Some guys just need a kick to knock them out of their shell.

At any rate. If you like the guy. You'll likely need to make flirtations painfully obvious or just ask the poor guy out. Unless you want to wait a long time for him to ask you out. Risking another girl making a move first.

[Asker]

But why this

We crossed each other on the road snd the moment he saw me, he quickly looked away in the other direction of the road.

[horatiohornblower]

He's just really shy.

[Asker]

But why do this. He just made me feel he doesn't like me :(

[Asker]

Yesterday he was blatantly looking at me.

[horatiohornblower]

From the description. I'd say he does like you a lot. Given it's obvious he's looking at you until you catch him.

As to why. He could be intimidated. If he thinks your really attractive and unattainable. Worse might laugh at him or something of the sort. An overwhelming panic response. Because he doesn't want you to know he's attracted to you.

There's other reasons a guy could do it. But your description makes me strongly believe it's due to attraction and he's too shy to deal with it.

I did that but got over it early in high school. As I started making female friends. It faded away. I can only remember one incident clearly. It was like a mixture of panic and wanting to look nonchalant. Which obviously didn't work because the girl started wildly waving her hands and smiling at me until I said hi.

I assume you like him. Otherwise you wouldn't be wasting time on here asking about him.

All I could suggest. If you like him. You'll have to work at him. If he's still doing that in his mid/late twenties. I'd expect he has a lot of defensive barriers and will be oblivious to flirting. He may also be guarded, standoffish or give short responses. So, say hi to him whenever you see him.

Ask him questions. Especially anything which will let him explain technical stuff he knows. Something which lets him show off to you. The way he best knows how. Compliment him on his mind.

If he's in the same field. Ask him to help you with something in the library. It doesn't matter if you actually need help. If not ask if he can show you what major project he's working on. You're just trying to get him into his realm and break his guard down.

[Asker]

He's barely ever in the library. He spends most of his time I think in his staff room or some other room. He comes out to smoke frequently bit also in the staff room. He's barely ever downstairs because he doesn't have any friends. He used to have a friend whom he was always spending time with (that man is 42, also phd) and a few others, but now he's all by himself.

I ve seen that other phd students know each other (as I know them) even though they are from different departments. But he is the most aloof of all of them and I don't think he interacts with them.

He does smoke a lot and goes to bars with his friend/friends so I don't understand what is he upto. I caught him staring while he was leaving 3 days ago, and a lady I speak to tried to call him for a chat bit he barely ever stops to chat.

[Asker]

She also said that she feels awkward to stop him and ask him to wear a mask (usually he never does) because there's something about him which makes her feel awkward or scared to say it to him.

[Asker]

Hellooooo

[horatiohornblower]

Sorry, I was out of ideas. If he’s a shy guy. He could be standoffish. Especially by that age. Sort of a defense mechanism he’s built up. To any woman he’s attracted to. They generally do fine dealing with other men and women they have no attraction to. So they’ll go to bars with buds.

A girl trying to date one is going to have a much different experience. Than dating more outgoing guys. Because he’s just not going to pick up or return the normal romantic queues.
At least not until he’s actually dated her a while.

Courting and eventual early dates will probably be quite awkward.

[Asker]

Thanks.

Also this happened. I was talking to a friend and before that, he was looking at me and noticed me.

A few minutes later, he put on his jacket and went through the other way.
5 minutes layer, I saw him coming through the main stairway from downstairs.
So clearly he used the exit from the other side to go downstairs. But returned through the other way. His hair looked a bit different as he hasn't been keeping it in the way he normally does when he goes out in a nice way.
He has curls and his hair was over forehead than it was before which was totally unruly.

What could this mean? Why go through the other exit?

[horatiohornblower]

Probably just went to the bathroom and saw his hair was a mess. Then left the nearest exit.

[Asker]

But there are no bathrooms that side. Just the exit? Did he do this purposely

[horatiohornblower]

Possibly, it could be any number of reasons. I wouldn't over analyze every little action he takes. Plus trying to interpret that action would get far too speculative.

[Asker]

Yes I understand but what do you guess about this?

[horatiohornblower]

Hard to say. Maybe he was embarrassed that you saw him with messed up hair and ducked out another way.

[Asker]

But he himself was looking at me in the messed up state. He looks pretty rough these days and he doesn't seem to mind?

[horatiohornblower]

Like I said I can only guess. It's just too specific. It sounds like you're getting stuck in analysis paralysis. Analyzing every little gesture and action for negatives and positives is counterproductive. It'll just lead to a hell of indecision. Making it ever harder to act.

The best advice I can say is to find ways to be around him more. You know your situations better than I do on your options.

From your descriptions. I get the impression he thinks your attractive. Also that he is shy and introverted. Interactions might be awkward but it's not like he'd chase you away. He'd probably be thrilled at the company, internally thrilled. He wouldn't show it.

At worst, he turns you down. Which is unlikely. Unless I'm totally misreading everything. At least it'll be resolved. It's not like he's going to bite your head off. It sucks to be turned down. But it's better than not knowing.

[Asker]

But what should I say to him? He is so cold and unapproachable and I feel scared. He just stares so I don't understand what to do because he doesn't do anything else

[horatiohornblower]

I've been told I look cold and intimidating. But I'm actually polite when people talk to me. I just don't wear my emotions.

Most guys are going to be thrown off track by a woman pursuing them. They aren't going to know what to say. It's just not something that happens to most guys. If he's attracted to you. It wouldn't matter what you said. Just as long as you were saying it to him.

What I'm not clear on. Is if you've ever been introduced to him. You seem to know something about him. But sometimes it seems like you haven't actually met him. That would change your approach a little.

[Asker]

I just see him around. I haven't yet spoken to him. Snd all he does is sit and study in the room and we see each other only when he's outside. So how do I know he likes me?

[horatiohornblower]

This threads getting really buried in my notifications.

You say he watches you when you aren't looking. That's a pretty good indication. Being that you don't know him will make the approach more difficult. Still most guys will be too stupefied to know how to respond.

For actually approaching him. You could try something like... (I'll be making up names)
"Hey there, I've seen you around. Do you know this area well? I'm just wondering what's a good place to eat? (He says some place) I'm Mindy by the way. (Tom). Let's go there together some time. What's your number? (Input his number and text him your name) Now, you've got my number and can remember my name. Call me or I'll call you."

"Hi, I'm Mindy. (Tom). I've seen you around and think you're cute. I was hoping you'd like to go get something to eat with me this weekend. Can I get your number?"

"Hi, I've seen you around. I just wanted to say you're cute. It seems like you're looking at me sometimes and figured one of us should say hi. I'm Mindy by the way. I wouldn't object if you wanted to take me to dinner. What's your number? [then text him yours and your name] Call me."

"Hi there. I've seen you around and wanted to meet you. I'm Mindy by the way. (Tom). So, what are you studying... [then let the conversation go on, if he's shy you might have to coax answers, end with exchanging numbers]"

You can shoot some other options to me for breaking the ice. I'm just going off ways I might approach a girl and think I'd like. It's good to have an opener, introduction and quick end game that gets a number and tentative mention of a date. As this is high stress and you want to minimizes fumbles.

You can go more confident and set a firm date too. Like Earl's bistro, this Friday. Then if he say's, "I can't I'm busy."
You counter with, "When can you?"

[Asker]

But I don't know if he's still interested? I haven't seen him since Tuesday properly and I don't know if he actually likes me or just stares.
He has to do something for ke to understand that he likes me enough. So far nothing except looking. I do look back but he still doesn't understand:/ also he's a PhD student and he seems like he spends a lot of his time studying so I see him occasionally.

What do I do

[horatiohornblower]

Believe me. I understand your apprehension. A large portion of guys won't even do a cold approach on a girl. And they're generally the ones who do the approaching.

All I can see from my perpective. Is a cold approach like I mentioned. Unless you have mutual friends who could make an introduction. It might not work. That's what's scary. You're putting your emotions on the line on an unknown quantity.

You say he goes to a bar sometimes with his friends. You could go with a couple friends if you know he'll be there. Then you can point him out to friends and look over frequently while chatting with friends. Smiling when he looks back. Even if he won't approach. One of his friends are bound to notice a girl or girls looking over and approach you. Then you can ask his friend about him. When the friend approaches.

It's more passive but has a decent shot. If he's lubed and so are you. You'll each be more relaxed and approachable. Once you ask the friend about him and express wanting to meet him. General guy code/wingman code would oblige the friend to push him to talk to you or invite your table over.

The downside of the bar being it requires more chance and fending off random drunk guys.

I wish I could offer you more concrete advice. How a woman should approach a man isn't something which usually comes up. So, I can just think about what I'd respond to. I will say the cold look is usually a front on introverts.

[horatiohornblower]

Be them shy, introverts, extroverts, jerks or outgoing most men will respond favorably to an attractive young woman talking to them out of the blue. Introverts (especially Thinking not Feeling introverts) might be much more reserved and cold in response. That's just how they deal with the world. As long as the introvert doesn't walk off. You're doing pretty well.

I did the cold look thing to. While I didn't show it. I was always thrilled when a woman I like talked to me. It took me a lot of work to show my emotions some. Still I don't show them much. I'm much more open when talking online.

[Asker]

He doesn't talk to anyone now. He used to have a friend who was also phd but the guy left so now he's all by himself. He doesn't talk to the other phd students I'm familiar with so it's really tough to get an introduction either.

Sometimes he looks at me then looks away, then stares so I don't understand what he wants. He clearly makes eye contact when he's in the mood to stare so I wish he said something but doesn't:/

[Asker]

Also like I said that while talking to the girl, he went through the other exit and then came through the main exit. Didn't understand that either. His hair was also falling on his forehead which is what makes him look super attractive

[horatiohornblower]

I'm just saying. If he's anything like I was. He'll never give up a visual indication he's interested in you beyond looking. But if he keeps settling on you. He likes what he see's. After a few failed attempts. There's nothing on heaven or earth that would've made me ask a girl out. Without a crystal clear interest from. But I was totally receptive.

Maybe the next time you see him or catch him looking at you. Walk up, go upstairs, whatever. Say "Hi, I keep seeing you around and thought it would be nice to talk to you. Then introduce yourself"

Maybe when he does the eye lock again. Just smile and give a little wave. If he waves back or smiles. Try the approach or try waving him over.

[Asker]

But if he likes me whydoesnt he make himself more available?

[horatiohornblower]

While I don't know him. If he's a shy guy, like I suspect. He probably doesn't think there's any interest from you and wouldn't bother. He'd of gotten past that type of behavior long ago.

Like I keep trying to point out. His cues and behavior will be much different than other guys you've dealt with. They'll be heavily shielded. He likely won't be able to read your cues either.

But until you talk to the guy. All I have to go off of is that he looks at you when you aren't looking and sometimes will hold a gaze. But mostly look away when you catch him. Which at least to me signals an interest from him.

You can look at this article on how to date shy guys.
www.momjunction.com/.../

[Asker]

But he's seen me looking at him. Once he was upstairs and i wanted to see if he's there so I did and that's how I saw him looking at me. The day I talked to my friend, he was looking at me and so was I before I saw her and went to talk to her.
Why is he so stupid.

[horatiohornblower]

You're going to drive yourself nuts asking why. While I've tried to explain this behavior. I've failed to adequately do so. Because it probably does sound nuts to women who are used to more extroverted male reactions.

Think of him like a neighborhood cat. He'll sit there and stare at you. But gets skiddish if approached and nearly impossible to get to approach you. While you're used to other guys who are like dogs. They get nosey real quick whether invited or not and will jump all over you if given half a chance

Anyways, without talking to him. I don't think he'll ever approach. If he does you might be waiting five or six months before he builds up the courage.

If he turns out to be an asshat. At least you'll know and can stop torturing yourself. I'm rooting for you.

[Asker]

Its not going to happen. Forget it :( ? I didn't see him after that day. Maybe he hates me now :(

[horatiohornblower]

Ahh! Don't think that. You sound like a wonderful person. Maybe he's just busier right now.

[Asker]

Yeah but what if he made the exit and came through the main way cos he feels I dont like him? :(

[horatiohornblower]

Could be. He might also have seen you. Cleaned his jacket, fixed his hair to talk to you. Then at the last second chickened out and bolted out the side door.

[Asker]

But I was talking to another girl. He went to get tea from the staff common room but for some reason went through the exit and came from main stairway. Hair was definitely different.

[horatiohornblower]

Like each time before. I can't give an accurate answer to that. It's probably nothing. But I've given quite a few guesses as to the meaning. I'd advise you stop worrying about that specific action.

[Asker]

But what do I do now? I'm sad. I think he will lose interest and I won't see him again :/

[horatiohornblower]

Since you don't otherwise know him. All I could suggest is to visit the usual haunts. To see if he returns. Not much else you could do.

[Asker]

Well I encounter him randomly. Sometimes on the streets, sometimes I see him on staff common room and sometimes printing. Other than that, almost never.

[horatiohornblower]

Really any will do for a cold approach like I mentioned. Ask some inane informational question to break the ice. Like where it's good to eat. Introduce yourself. Get his name. Perhaps mention he's cute. Ask for his number. Then text him immediately with your name. So, he remembers. Maybe set a time and place for dinner or coffee.

Shy or not. Most guys will will comply with the request. Because it rarely happens to them. He'll definitely remember you though. Making him easier to approach in the future.

[Asker]

So I'm friends with a student who is doing a PhD at my uni. I liked a guy who is also doing a PhD and he is her colleague so they all sit in the room and study. However, he doesn't talk to anyone and she said he just gives one word replies.

He has been showing interest in me but I still haven't officially spoken to him. She does tarot reading too as her side business so when I asked to do a reading for my love life, she wanted to know a few things and I told her. She kind of guessed it was this guy as I described him as very quiet.
She and her friend said that he's a workaholic, very shy who doesn't talk much or at all to anyone except a Hi.

Yesterday, I told her I'm not certain if he has a girlfriend and she said he's a workaholic who literally lives in the room. Her male friend said he has his whole kitchen there in the room, he even sleeps on the floor in the room but since he's very shy, they don't speak much.

Today, she suddenly messaged me and said she has something to say. When I went to her, she said her friend told her that he's seeing someone, and how happy he was when he finished his work and told her that he's texting a girl whom he informed that he needs to shutdown for 2 weeks and the girl was fine with it. She also said that oh he's going on a date as he told her.

I didn't care much but I told her that then he's probably a cheater type and if he's so shy who doesn't talk to them ( which they themselves said) how is he doing around telling details about his romantic life to people he barely talks to.

My friend kind of defended him saying that maybe he did this because he was very happy that he finished his chapter. But then agreed and said he shouldn't stare at you, he might be sneaky because 7 of swords came up in the tarot reading which is sneaky behaviour.

[Asker]

Is she gossiping, lying or telling the truth?

[horatiohornblower]

If this is all from a tarot reading. It's all bull spit. They make generalizations and weave stories you'll find believable. Based off the information the casually milk from you.

[Asker]

What do you think of the info she gave me? That her friend told her that he's going on a date and is already texting another girl?

[horatiohornblower]

Sure, it's possible. But it's hearsay evidence. Something could be lost, exaggerated or totally inaccurate after jumping a couple people.

[Asker]

What do you mean? He clearly is a cheater type

[horatiohornblower]

I don't follow. Is he dating one woman and texting another? I wasn't clear if it's the same woman.

[Asker]

But she told me that finished his chapter and was very happy to get alive again which is why he told her that he's already seeing someone and asked her that he needs to go away for 2 weeks.
Then why is he staring at me and? He blatantly stares at me and gave signals that he wants to approach all while seeing another girl.

He's despicable?

[Asker]

But she told me that finished his chapter and was very happy to get alive again which is why he told her that he's already seeing someone and asked her that he needs to go away for 2 weeks.
Then why is he staring at me and? He blatantly stares at me and gave signals that he wants to approach all while seeing another girl.

He's despicable don't you think?

[horatiohornblower]

I'd withhold judgement until you actually know the guy and find out from him if he's in a relationship or not. She's giving hearsay evidence and adding tarot cards into the mix. I simply don't consider her a reliable source.

If he is in a monogamous relationship. Then he shouldn't be giving signals to other girls. But I wouldn't say. Clearly he's a cheater without better evidence.

Just consider the source. You gave her a lot of information. Which likely indicated your hesitancy. She's a tarot card reader. She's naturally going to feed into your doubts or what you want to hear. It's just something you learn to do with anything psychic related. That doesn't mean she's wrong or lying. But everything should be taken with a grain of salt.

I mean. I'm a rational and level headed person. But when going through posts on this site. I'm giving opinions on scant information and one sided stories. So, a lot has to come from me filling in the gaps. Which, while well meaning, is still biased and error prone.

That's why I'm just advising some rationality and reserve judgement until you hear it from the horses mouth. Rather than give up on your infatuation before you've said a single word to him.

[Asker]

But she's also a PhD student who studies in the same room?

[horatiohornblower]

Oh, well. If her info is accurate. He's at least semi-involved in a relationship. Whether or not he intends to be a cheater is if they've decided to be exclusive or if they're still dating other people. At this point he's just looked at you but hasn't said anything. Could also be why he ducked out the other door.

Keep your ear open about him. But it's no loss if you meet someone else.

[Asker]

But then why is he constantly looking at me? I didn't even notice him. He's the one looking at me and then this. He also looks at me when we are alone and I was almost going to approach him until this girl came along.

Him ducking out of the door has nothing to do with it. He was just weird.

Also, she keeps saying he doesn't talk to them yet he told her friend about his love life. That's a bit sketchy tho?

[horatiohornblower]

Okay, I think I've got this straightened out. So, it's not the girl you're talking to heard from him. She heard it from someone. While the girl you talked to said he never talks about anything. It's just gossip at that point. I'll just go back to my original recommendation on the possible girlfriend.

At the most just have it in the back of your mind when talking to him. But don't let it dictate your opinion. Just something to keep aware of.

He just sounds like a socially awkward guy. Probably quite smart and very introverted. Who's focused on his work. I just can't see a guy like that being a cheater.

[Asker]

But he has friends and I looked him up on social media. He had an Indian girlfriend at university while he was an undergrad then I think he broke up with her after 1 year and then was messing around with a Greek girl who seemed borderline obsessed and stalkerish with him. He also had multiple female friends.

This girl who told me is a fellow phd student who told me that he's very shy because he doesn't talk to her or anyone of her friends. They just greet each other and sometimes he gives 1 word replies. But she said that when she introduced herself to him, he barely spoke to her and during a PhD gathering, she tried to talk to her but he ignored her and chatted with other people.

She then said that her friend told her that he's finished his deadline, is getting alive again and he's probably going on a date with a girl he's texting these days. But I saw him and he looked really unhappy and as if he was going to cry or something. I mean if he was finishing his deadline, he would definitely look better.

But I honestly think he's a cheater and shitty person. He blatantly stares at me to the point of making me feel like I should approach him all while seeing someone. These are terrible signs?

[Asker]

Hello?

[horatiohornblower]

I'm not sure what makes him a cheater. If he's just texting someone and will go on a date with them at some point. That doesn't sound like a committed relationship. It just sounds like talking and the cusps of getting to know a person. Until people mutually agree that a relationship is exclusive. It can't be assumed it is.

This can be done early. Say by making it a term on the first date. That while dating we're exclusive. Then if the other doesn't agree. You stop dating.

[Asker]

But why looking at another girl when texting someone and meeting them? Clearly wants to be with that person?

[horatiohornblower]

I'll try to explain the why by going over how I see a good dating timeline. Personally, I wouldn't be seeing other people. But at this point I don’t expect that from the other person and don't take it for granted. So, I can understand why he could do this.

Texting or calling: This is just the preliminaries. You’re each just overcoming your fears. Nothing here really counts towards a relationship before the first date.

First Date: You’re covering your basics. Relationship goals, basic core values and such for compatibility. Romantically you’re just seeing if there’s some mutual attraction and want to see the person again. Mentioning kids or an STD.

Second through sixth dates: You’re covering your interests in more detail. Establishing a rapport with each other. Seeing if you are bored and if they still thrill you. Trying out activities each find interesting. Kissing each other. See some chinks in their armor as they get more comfortable. Maybe meet some their friends. At any point this can end with little more than a, “Sorry, I’m not interested. I don’t see us working.”

Anything beyond: This is when I think you’ve each passed each other’s assessment. If you continue. It needs to be exclusive both must agree or end it if only one doesn't want this. Otherwise you're just wasting time. You both established you like each other and it's holding up to some scrutiny. Now you're going to let your guard down and really build a relationship. Which will hopefully lead to a lifetime together.

Exception: Sex. If the person is having sex with someone else or you have sex with that person early. You really need to each clarify your position on exclusivity before sex. If you're both cool with dating other people. Whoever else you date needs to know right away that you're in a sexual relationship.

[Asker]

OK but what is he doing with all this staring and then texting? Or is the girl just spreading lies because she doesn't like the fact that he doesn't talk to her?

[horatiohornblower]

She very well could make stuff up if she's jealous he doesn't talk to her.

As I keep saying. You can't resolve anything until you talk to the guy.

Everything else is just getting yourself worked up over something non existent until that point.

[Asker]

She told me that he only gives 1 word replies, barely talk to her, ignored her at the phd gathering when she tried to speak to him but I spoke to others and when she introduced herself to him, he still didn't want to talk to her.
But her other friend told her that he slept on the floor, have leftover pasta for lunch
So clearly, they notice and discuss him quite a lot and they told these things to me

[horatiohornblower]

Right but neither seem to really know him. It seems if you weren't still interested. You wouldn't keep asking about him. Even if it's just curiosity. There's no harm in talking to him and settling those things in your mind.

[Asker]

But if he's already texting and meeting up, then he would make up his mind to be with her. So he wouldn't look at me anymore?

[horatiohornblower]

That all depends on the person. He either see's it as exclusive right away or not until a certain relationship marker is reached. In general, if he hasn't really dated this girl much. He's still open to an alternative. Plus there's nothing wrong with it until they've both decided to be exclusive.

[Asker]

Yeah so he can decide to be exclusive or he probably is and he's a cheater type so he is still looking at others. Or the girl is lying? Because earlier she said that he is a workaholic and very hardworking who is always in the room studying and she doesn't see him having a personal life. But then she said he told her friend when he barely talks to them

[horatiohornblower]

Right, but you're drawing yourself into an infinite loop. I suggest the talking as it'll provide the most complete resolution. Whether good or bad you'll know for certain. You can opt for it not being worth the risk. But you'll be stuck wondering, what if...

[Asker]

He won't talk to me if he's meeting girls

[Asker]

Tarot card reader likes the guy? ↗

[horsenrhinounicorn]

He may have a goal and that may be to remove any distractions to finish that PHD. He sounds interested in you, but sounds pre-occupied with his studies. You could ask him something about whats it like to take the classes he is taking and the homework, etc and what his advice is for when you get up to that level

[Asker]

But why this

moment he saw me, he quickly looked away in the other direction of the road.

[horsenrhinounicorn]

If he is looking away like that, this normally means he doesn’t want you to know his feeling for you or know he is attracted to you, so he is trying to hide it or for some odd reason is not attracted to your type.

[whosnumber1]

or he's just nervous and doesn't know how to approach

[Asker]

But why looking then?

[horsenrhinounicorn]

I would think looking because he likes what he see’s, If he is shy, for some guys you can cross paths with them for several days before you are approached

[Asker]

why do this. He just made me feel he doesn't like me

[horsenrhinounicorn]

there's a lot of scenarios that can get him to this point, he might like you, but had a bad experience with a previous date and not be ready. there's a lot of assumptions at this point since he has not communicated how he feels about you. I you have already frequently crossed paths and not gotten your answer. Tell him you would like his advice and ask him his opinion on why guys do the actions he does and get his perspective on that.

[Asker]

Tarot card reader likes the guy? ↗