Mixed signals or disinterest?

[lorelai87]

Do people tend to start being more shy and avoid you when they really like you especially if they're shy? When I like someone, I make every effort to talk to that person and let it be known. But it seems like my recent experience the guy seemed interested, showed all the signs the flirting, light touching, eye contact, smiling, etc, even casually asked me out. He is kinda shy but he still was doing all of these things. I am pretty oblivious to things so I take it lightly. Then afterwhile when I started to push back, he seemed to get nervous, not as confident, stumbling over words, fidgeting, shy, and almost like he didn't know what to say around me. Am I doing something wrong? If so, someone let me know. I want to move on if he's not interested so I can find someone else. But his actions are very confusing.

[Atomizer]

As a shy guy [previously cripplingly shy, now medium shy and improving], I have some insights.

I suspect the largest part of your confusion is because you expect him to respond like a more confident guy.

But if he's shy, he simply will not respond like most other guys you've dated. Adjust your expectations, and adjust your behavior. This relationship will progress differently from others you've had. It will move slower, and have detours you're not accustomed to.

Reread that last paragraph to yourself out loud, to ensure you understand it. Let it sink in.

He's shy partly because his brain is different, and partly because of his learned behavior. If his signals seem mixed, it might be because he's comfortable with some aspects of your relationship, but uncomfortable with others.

Here's one way you're not understanding that this guy is different. He flirted, you responded by "pushing back," and in response "he seemed to get nervous, not as confident, stumbling over words, fidgeting, shy, and almost like he didn't know what to say around me." What did you hope to accomplish by "pushing back"? What if he's unaccustomed to girls "pushing back" when he flirts? When it comes to flirting with this guy, you're like a tennis pro competing against a newbie. He lobbed a gentle serve, and you slammed it back at him harder than he expected. Of course he's gonna get flustered, he was probably expecting you'd play at his level.

Also, you're creating a false choice. There are more options than "mixed signals" or "disinterested." These other possible options for this scenario include "shy guy who's nervous", "virgin who's embarrassed about his inexperience," "abuse survivor who sees sexuality as a threat," and "shy guy who's never dated a lot and doesn't want to come on too strong." Snapping out of either/or thinking is a great way to solve problems, because it helps you see more options.

Have you talked to him directly and assertively? Talking things over is so much more productive than fretting over hints and signals.

Shift your focus from interpreting his actions. Be direct and specific with your communication and questions. Something like this will probably resolve all your questions:

"I don't mean to interrogate you, but I'm a little confused about your expectations. I'm confused about A, B or C, can you enlighten me about your thoughts and motivations? I don't mean to put you on the spot, and I understand if you need a little time to find an answer. But I like you, and I want to make sure we each understand where the other is coming from."

Good luck!

[lorelai87]

Thanks. You are so right. I guess I'll just have to take it slow. I've never liked a shy, sweet cautious guy who wants to take his time so it's pretty new to me. I get impatient quite easily. Every guy I've dated moved pretty fast and was overly confident, to the point of cockiness. I'm just not used to it. So I guess knowing that he likes me makes me frustrated cuz' he's pretty inexperienced and more hesitant. He is also 3 years younger than me so that might make things harder as well.

[Atomizer]

You're the older woman? Ooh la la...

Don't get snooty about it, but think of yourself as a coach. You need to teach to his level, but you also need to challenge him, occasionally, to help him reach his potential. You both compromise: you'll slow down, and he'll deliberately push from his comfort zones.

I'm biased, but I think shy people are worth the investment. You know outgoing people rather quickly. But introverts have more layers of personality. They're deeper.

Good luck.

[lorelai87]

I went to see that movie he's just not that into you and I'm really starting to wonder if maybe that's the case. First, he was really nice flirting, making excuses to be near me, smiling, touching, etc. Then he went to a couple of parties alone that I invited him too. but recently he's been weird. Shy and stuttering around me, he said he was gonna hang out with me and some friends then changed his mind at the last minute because he had homework. and he won't respond to me on facebook. Nevr gts on tho

[Atomizer]

That was a fictional movie. In general, movies are a horrible, horrible guide for dating, romance and relationships. Horrible beyond words.

You're dating a real-life shy guy.

Reread my reply. Post it on your bathroom mirror if you must to remind you how this shy guy is different, and the relationship will move differently.

Good luck.

[lorelai87]

Good news! He asked for my number tonight! He invited me to go to lunch with me!

[Anonymous]

atmoizer is exactly rigtht