This Guy Seems So Unemotional! What Should I Do?!

[glowgirl3]

This guy I've been seeing for a few months is the most unemotional guy I have met. One minute he tells me that he doesn't have feelings for me (so I start acting like friends) but then he tells me that he could see us being in a relationship. Then he tells me that we are very different that there is no way we could work but he gets jealous when I talk to other guys. I'm ready to let this go and move on but I really feel like he cares for me but I'm not going to play myself and stay around. I know that all the women he dealt with used him and he thinks that he doesn't deserve someone "good like me" (his words) but I'm starting to get at my wits end. What is up with this guy?

[DarkerSouL]

Hmmm... I can only try my best to answer..

Deep inside, he could be pressurized to let his emotions show. For some guys, showing our 'lovey-dovey' side is embarrassing!

These are what I can think of.

1. Be lighthearted and have fun, instead of constantly bringing up the problem topic. Its okay to discuss the problem issue once in awhile, but be mindful of the way you communicate. Keep his mind away from the pressure of showing his emotions. That pressure could result from his own beliefs or might even be caused by you unintentionally. A guy who feels pressurized is 'frozen'. Being lighthearted and cheerful helps reduce the negative 'aura' (sorry, but I don't know what's the proper word for me to use to describe it) which you project unconsciously, that he might have picked up intuitively.

2. Give him your trust. He'll feel better if you tell him that you trust him. Of course, you need to sincerely trust him for real. Trust that he'll settle his personal issues that cause him to be emotionless. That'll reduce his anxiety and there's chances he might be more open with you bit by bit. Tell him that both of you will go through all this together.

3. Give him time and space. This means that you might have to be more patient than you usually r. If you tend to spend lots of time with him, you should reduce that a bit. He needs more time to be with himself or with his other friends for his own relationship insights to develop. Soon, he'll discover his personal deep-rooted problem by himself. If you get too clingy, that'll push him away and this problem won't end.

4. Reduce the 'love' that you give but be supportive towards him. Not to say that giving love is not good, but I believe that you should try hold back your affection a bit to give him the opportunity to act on his own and express his affection. Be supportive but do it gracefully. Never overdo it.

5. Reduce those quarrels and arguments if you are prone to that. Try resolve any problems peacefully. Being harsh only make his heart impenetrable. When he fights back, he hardens himself to be in defense mode so that he won't get hurt, but with a price. He'll lose his expressiveness.

6. Sorry about the last point, but I think its quite necessary. Change your style a bit and play with his fantasy. Sounds corny? Lol.. Never make it too obviously or else it'll backfire (if he's quick to get jealous). The objective is to use physical attraction to 'wake' him up from his emotionless zombie syndrome. I heard lots of girls say that guys are quite shallow. Well, maybe it'll work.

I believe there are other ways which I am unaware of. If you had tried all this methods and still fail, then you have to prepare for the worst.

All the best.

[Littletad]

Seems like he lacks a stable environment. It's basically up to you if you wish to continue seeing him as you are now.

Sometimes it takes someone else for us to snap out of it. It's up to you if you want to be that person. Yes it does sound like a babysitting kind of job, as there is more work involved for you, but if you really liked this guy you wouldn't be hesitant. Let him know exactly how you feel, or that you want straight answers from him. Not little details here and there.

[glowgirl3]

The fact that I've honestly stayed around this long proves that I'm willing to be there for him but I don't know what else to do. I've told him that he is a great guy and all that but it's like he doesn't believe me. When he says things like "you're not the one for me" it stings and I've told him. He says he is never trying to hurt me but that I deserve someone better than him. Any suggestions? Thanks again for your answer. :-)

[CuddlyCarla]

Do you know for a fact other girls have 'used' him? Guys like what you are describing come up with stories like that so girls feel sorry for them and try to stay with them out of sympathy. If anything, it sounds like he probably didn't treat previous girls in his life well and they rightfully dumped him and he's trying to avoid you doing the same by acting like they were the ones out of line. That's just a guess, but I've seen that specific behavior before. You are NOT a yo-yo. Feel free to tell him that. Lay it down, tell him to make a decision - he either wants to be with you or he doesn't, or you'll make the decision for him. To be truthful, any guy that can't decide if he wants to date you or not after a few months doesn't really care and isn't worth your time. You want to be with someone who actually wants to be with you, don't settle for someone who doesn't know who they are or what they want.

[mormongirlmichl]

"Before you can love someone else, you have to love yourself"

This guy seems like he has to figure things out before he gets into a relationship. You need to tell him that you do like him, you feel it would work, but he needs to be ready and willing and until then, it's not gonna work out. Give him time to understand that he is worth loving and he'll come around. :)

[Littletad]

It's much harder for a male to love one's self. After all, that's the beauty of a woman. We learn so much more about ourselves from her than we ever could on our own.

[mormongirlmichl]

I don't think it's any easier for a girl or a guy to 'love one's self' It's freakin hard sometimes...and ya, a boyfriend and girlfriend can help in that, so much! I agree with you.

[Anonymous]

He might have issues and sabotages relationships. At the risk of sounding insensitive, that's not really your problem. That's something he'll have to fix on his own when he's ready. If you continue this he is just going to jerk you around and you will be playing yourself. Don't try to fix someone, he is the way he is. Either learn to like it or move on.

[DarkerSouL]

I'm too lazy to give out my opinions but I don't know why right now I have this strong urge to answer.

1. Unemotional guys have self-esteem issues. We don't fully accept ourselves though we might not show any signs of self-hate or maybe we are unaware that we hate ourselves. There are things that we need to settle 1st before we can truly accept ourselves.

2. Bad relationship experience associated with being emotional. Maybe we had been emotional but we were taken for granted and being taken advantage of many times in the past, either in current relationship or previous relationship. As a result, resentment accumulate and we stop showing our emotions.

3. Gender conditioning. Lots of guys are told to be a 'man' when they express some emotions. I'm not trying to blame people now but it's a fact that lots of guys associate being emotional with being weak and wimpy. Guys who shed tears are 'wimps' and 'faggots'. Loving and affectionate guys are a shame to the 'alpha males'. Guys need to be 'cool'. Our emotions are trapped inside.

4. Responsibility. This is a bad way to be responsible. Everyone have to take care of someone in our lives. We all have different methods. This is for both guys and girls who have high responsibilities. If we are weak, how are we going to take of others when we can't control our own impulse. If we can't remain cool in times of panic, how are we suppose to think straight and guide others. Though the method of suppressing emotions is harmful to our relationship, some of us still do it.

[glowgirl3]

Thanks. I never thought of those reasons. Last night he told me that he looks forward to seeing me everyday now and that he is turning "soft." I told him that's not considered soft but he said that you can become disappointed when you start looking forward to seeing someone like that. I think he has been conditioned to believe that emotions are wimpy. Any suggestions on how to get him away from that kind of mindset?

[DarkerSouL]

I think so. That could have been conditioned. How to get him away from that mindset. My answer is quite indirect and long winded if you look at it. I believe that he needs help to feel comfortable expressing himself. Once he's comfortable, he'll forget about the lovey-dovey -wimpy issue. I never said that its easy! Refer to the other post.

[xeinnah_19]

I bet his still holding back because of his past relationships. It's hard for him to let go, maybe you can help him overcome those sad memories by supporting him, showing you care for him...

Make him feel special.. Just give it a try, who knows your the one he's been waiting for...

[Nembokid]

Let him go. Be busy. He'll chase you. And then be like I want someone who loves me and can show me it. Boom. You may have him in ur hands. And if not , you want a guy who's unresponsive to your emotional side? You'll always be questioning this guy. It's not worth it. Take the ball out of his court. My advice.

[topnotch69]

Great answer. girl, my man is this exact same way. the guy above hit the nail on the head!

[Tphilly187]

not sure