Girl's Behavior

My name is Andrea...

Andievonviciousx

My name is Andrea....


I'm not writing this for really anyone other than me. Yes I know it's out there for everyone to read, but I also know there are so many other people out there like me who have been through the same ups and downs. People who have had to feel the way I feel. People who sometimes just need to remind themselves of who they are and what they are capable of.


My name is Andrea and I'm 25 years old. To start with the basics I'm a mother to two wonderfully rowdy children. I'm a wife to an incredible husband. I'm a waitress. My hair changes with my mood of the month. I love writing, playing piano, art, dance, adventure. Oh yea, I'm also sick.


I didn't have it easy in life so why should it get easier now? I was born to parents who were addicted to whatever substance was their poison. Because of that I was taken away and placed into state custody. I was in and out of the foster system until finally my grandparents gained custody. I never knew my father and my mother decided to come around when I was 14 years old. By then the mother and daughter relationship was never going to be there for us. When I was growing up, I remember watching the bond other children had with their families and thinking about how foreign that was to me. Even though I was raised by my biological grandparents, I was raised in a family that showed now affection or attention. Nor did they ever even attempt to have some sort of family bond. The only time you were made to feel like you mattered in my family, was when there were other people outside of the family present. Everything was a show. A show of power, money, even of staged strong family ties.


I was also very sheltered as a kid. I was never allowed to play outside for very long. I was lucky if after school I was allowed to play with the neighborhood kids and ride our bikes for an hour or two. I could never have sleep overs with friends or go to a friends house. Even in my teenage years, I couldn't go to the movies with friends, hang out after school with friends. I was literally a caged bird for most of my childhood. Some say it's because I was over protected. Once I got older, I realized it was more about the control. So I began to rebel.


I began skipping school, sneaking out, and basically doing everything I wasn't supposed to. But all that led to a really dark path. I got my first real boyfriend, who was a senior, my freshman year of highschool. Being naive, I figure this was great! I'm gonna marry this guy....blah...blah...blah. But as sweet and charming as he appeared, I found out first hand how sinister he actually was. I lost my virginity to him. But only as a victim of rape. But I blamed myself. Thinking I led him on by saying we were going to actually do it and then got scared of the idea of sex and changed my mind. He didn't take the no for an answer. But I walked around thinking it was my fault. So, Stupid me stayed with him. Things only got worse. He became sexually and physically abusive. After I finally broke away from that routine, I thought about how some people knew where my bruises came from and never spoke up. One thing I can truly say, after that experience, is that any woman or man for that matter who has dealt with that shit, I stand with you whole heartedly. And I always will. Doesn't matter if I know you or not. I'm here.


After all that I started carrying the weight of anger and hate where ever I went. I could feel a darkness growing inside of me because of all the neglect, abandonment, and abuse I had endure in my short 15 years on earth. I stopped believing in god. I started embracing my inner bitch. I became quite heartless at such a young age that carried on until i was a young adult. I started fighting more. Cursing more. Throwing my ignorant opinions at anyone I knew I could hurt. I guess I just decided I would try and hurt people as much as I'd been hurt in life. So for years I walked around with a chip on my shoulder and a thirst for vengence. That was no way to live. I've finally realized that. But at the time, I was all alone. And anyone I did let in eventually hurt me. But that's life.


I have had many failed relationships because of me. But I have also fallen into another abusive relationship. The only difference this time was I was pregnant with my oldest. My son. I left that fairly quick considering the life I was carrying inside of me. But I still kept thinking about how we could work it out. Eventually that went out the window with the birth of my son. Looking at his precious little face reminded me that he deserves better than that. He doesn't deserve to feel how I felt growing up. His father never had anything to do with him. And for the longest time I felt like I failed my son because he was going to grow up fatherless. Like I did. But as it goes, it was the best thing for my son. He has my husband. Who is a better dad than I could have hoped for. He is giving my son everything a father should give his child. So I didn't fail him in the least.


Now lets fast forward to now. I met a wonderful man who I married. I've aways held down a job. My children have everything they need. I have everything I need. Except my health. I've been battling an illness for the past almost 10 months and honestly it has physically and emotionally drained me. Sometimes I can't even handle doing everyday things like housework or playing with my kids. Or even be intimate with my husband. And In the beginning, even now sometimes, I can feel the frustration, anger, and hoplessness well up inside of me. There are days I truly want to just give up. But what is grounding me right now is the family I have built. My Kids. My husband. For once in this world I'm not alone. And Even if I was, I think at this point in my life, my will to survive is way to strong. After everything I've already overcome, I can't just give up. I've been a fighter my entire life. Now I have even more to fight for. We don't know what my final outcome will be, but whatever it is, I'm going to fight. And I will continue to fight the rest of my life. Maybe my struggles were my purpose in life. Maybe it's a show of inner strength one might have with them. Who knows?


I've been tossed to winds ever since I can remember. But I've learned to let it all go. I've learned to let go of my hate and anger. I guess I never really knew how stong I truly was. I need to always keep sight of my strength. I'm the fire in my life. I'm the one that will always keep it buring. I've always been a survivor. That is sure as hell not going to change now. Not with everything I fought to acheive. Not with how far I've come with letting go all of the negativity. I'm an incredibly strong, capable person who has finally learned to face herself and embrace who she is and what she has...


My name is Andrea...and I am strong as hell.

My name is Andrea...
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