Everytime someone gives you a compliment your first reaction is to smile and feel good about yourself. Soon after you can't help but think they were a lying. You constantly compare yourself with every girl you see whether that means you think she looks prettier than you or not as pretty as you. You feel like everyone's watching and judging you everywhere you go. Whenever you feel confident you quickly feel pathetic because ugly girls aren't supposed to like themselves. You tell people you wear make-up because it's fun but really it only makes you feel slightly better about yourself until you look at the mirror and see "UGLY FAT WHORE" written all over your body.
The only time you have sex or really any sexual interaction is when your drunk or high since it puts you at ease. It helps you forget that the other person can see your face. They never text or call you back instead they flirt and respect the pretty girls while they're sober. They never talk to you when your sober.
People keep saying you just need to go for the nice guy. That you keep choosing the wrong people. YOu try being with the nice guy but there's never any chemistry and you feel guilty for that. You've never been in a relationship before. Not even a middle school romance and your 18 going on 19. You know it's not that big of a deal but you can't help but wish you had a relationship at least once in the past. To be that annoyingly cute couple in high school. That secretive couple who no one knew about. Or just another couple holding hands in the halls.
Boys never paid much attention to you. If they did they were always creepy stalkers, pervs, too old, or they just wanted a drunken fuck. You live through Netflix binges and your friends stories about their boyfriends and sexual escapades. You live in a never ending day dream because it's safe. You masturbate to shitty romance movies because that's the closest you feel you'll ever come to real love. Your too afraid to hook up with people because you feel they won't ever really be attracted to you and it would only be about getting off.
Your self love comes from how boys see you. How your family sees you. How society sees you. And with that mindset all you can ever do is obsess over your physical appearance making choices you think will make you look prettier. You live to be pretty and because of this your 18 going on 19 and you have no idea who you are or what you want. You don't want to be this way and sometimes you can go days without caring about what people think but you always end up going back to the same old cycle of hating yourself. Comparing yourself. Wanting to be pretty enough.
Loving yourself isn't easy but it shouldn't be this hard. Please when you compliment anyone really think about what your saying. Why should we only compliment looks? What if we complimented people on the success of their work or passions? What if physical beauty wasn't all that counted? I know a bunch of you will say you really don't care about looks or false sociatal views of beauty but how true is that? It's not too late to change that especially with the future generations. F*** being pretty. I want to be beautiful. Smart. Funny. Kind. Courageous.
Stop criticizing your looks and others in front of your children or siblings. Start making a difference.
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