Throughout the course of my 3+ years of being on this site, one thing I have noticed time and time again is the way many women on this site seem to have a lot going for them yet continuously fail at relationships. They've got looks, they've got (seemingly) kind hearts, they're intelligent, and overall seem pretty laid back.
Yet for some reason they keep posting questions about being used, or abused, and thrown away. And the key problem I see is that, despite all of their positive points, they have one negative that is an absolute deal breaker to any man looking for a long-term relationship: They lack self respect.
Here's an important thing to understand about male psychology (and possibly human psychology, but I can't be too sure there). We have a natural-born instinct to look up to people who assert themselves as strong-willed with admiration and respect. Being passive is seen as weakness, and weakness earns you no respect. There are a series of steps you can take to earn this respect from a man, and it is of great importance that you do. Without it, there is no chance your relationship will survive long-term.
1. Define and establish your deal breakers/unforgivables.
Determine what things you absolutely will not stand for. Things such as cheating, lying, overall disrespect, or other acts that can be left up to the individual should be regarded as unforgivable crimes that, if committed, merit immediate breakup with not even a slim possibility of a second chance. No warning, do not pass go, do not collect $200. The second you give way on your unforgivable is the second you lose any and all control and respect you may have had in the relationship, with no chance of ever giving it back. Once a man finds out you will let him get away with these things, you will cease to be an object of love/admiration to him and become a toy for him to play with.
2. Draw a line in the sand.
Establish boundaries and let your man know they are never to be crossed--ever. No matter how close you are or how serious you are, having boundaries is always important because without them, mutual respect can slowly erode away. This is a common mistake made by people in long term relationships. The closer they get, the more they lift their boundaries until they have none. But then things start to go downhill. Maintain your boundaries and make sure your man knows that, no matter how nice and kind-hearted you are, there will be hell to pay if he ever crosses them.
3. Define and establish duties.
People in relationships have certain responsibilities to one another, and although these can vary from person to person, they are important. Maintaining a relationship is a responsibility that is shared by both parties. And as hard as you work to uphold your end of things, you can never--and should never--try to pick up the slack for a man who isn't keeping up his end of the deal. And let him know there are consequences for not upholding his end of things.
Your man needs to understand that, no matter how much/how deeply in love you are, your life can continue on without him. The belief that you are dependent upon him is not only emotionally unhealthy and stress-inducing, but it can also lead him to believe he can disrespect you and you'll put up with it. Not a good thing.
The key thing to remember is that even the best and most kind-hearted man can be prone to veering off the golden path of morality when he begins to believe that he is dealing with a woman who doesn't have enough self-respect/backbone to assert herself as a strong person. A man will dominate a waif, but he will look up to and respect a warrior. Earn his respect by asserting yourself and you will be that much closer to ensuring you will land yourself a quality guy and that your relationship will last.
Assertiveness, strength, self-respect, and a willingness to work hard for what you want are important elements to ensuring success in relationships. Many women believe these qualities are masculine. They are not. They are human qualities. And if you are not a woman who possesses these qualities, then you should work on them. Because if you don't possess them, then all you'll ever get when it comes to men are the table scraps from the women who do.
Yet for some reason they keep posting questions about being used, or abused, and thrown away. And the key problem I see is that, despite all of their positive points, they have one negative that is an absolute deal breaker to any man looking for a long-term relationship: They lack self respect.
Here's an important thing to understand about male psychology (and possibly human psychology, but I can't be too sure there). We have a natural-born instinct to look up to people who assert themselves as strong-willed with admiration and respect. Being passive is seen as weakness, and weakness earns you no respect. There are a series of steps you can take to earn this respect from a man, and it is of great importance that you do. Without it, there is no chance your relationship will survive long-term.
1. Define and establish your deal breakers/unforgivables.
Determine what things you absolutely will not stand for. Things such as cheating, lying, overall disrespect, or other acts that can be left up to the individual should be regarded as unforgivable crimes that, if committed, merit immediate breakup with not even a slim possibility of a second chance. No warning, do not pass go, do not collect $200. The second you give way on your unforgivable is the second you lose any and all control and respect you may have had in the relationship, with no chance of ever giving it back. Once a man finds out you will let him get away with these things, you will cease to be an object of love/admiration to him and become a toy for him to play with.
"Once a man finds out you will let him get away with things, you will cease to be an object of love/admiration to him, and become a toy for him to play with"
2. Draw a line in the sand.
Establish boundaries and let your man know they are never to be crossed--ever. No matter how close you are or how serious you are, having boundaries is always important because without them, mutual respect can slowly erode away. This is a common mistake made by people in long term relationships. The closer they get, the more they lift their boundaries until they have none. But then things start to go downhill. Maintain your boundaries and make sure your man knows that, no matter how nice and kind-hearted you are, there will be hell to pay if he ever crosses them.
3. Define and establish duties.
People in relationships have certain responsibilities to one another, and although these can vary from person to person, they are important. Maintaining a relationship is a responsibility that is shared by both parties. And as hard as you work to uphold your end of things, you can never--and should never--try to pick up the slack for a man who isn't keeping up his end of the deal. And let him know there are consequences for not upholding his end of things.
Earning respect
4. Be willing to walk away.- Determine what things you absolutely will not stand for
- Maintain your boundaries
- Let him know there are consequences for not upholding his end of things
- Make him understand that your life can continue on without him
- Be the warrior, not the waif
Your man needs to understand that, no matter how much/how deeply in love you are, your life can continue on without him. The belief that you are dependent upon him is not only emotionally unhealthy and stress-inducing, but it can also lead him to believe he can disrespect you and you'll put up with it. Not a good thing.
The key thing to remember is that even the best and most kind-hearted man can be prone to veering off the golden path of morality when he begins to believe that he is dealing with a woman who doesn't have enough self-respect/backbone to assert herself as a strong person. A man will dominate a waif, but he will look up to and respect a warrior. Earn his respect by asserting yourself and you will be that much closer to ensuring you will land yourself a quality guy and that your relationship will last.
Assertiveness, strength, self-respect, and a willingness to work hard for what you want are important elements to ensuring success in relationships. Many women believe these qualities are masculine. They are not. They are human qualities. And if you are not a woman who possesses these qualities, then you should work on them. Because if you don't possess them, then all you'll ever get when it comes to men are the table scraps from the women who do.
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