What Are You Apologizing For All the Time?

[Anonymous]

My friend was going to be going on a long vacation a couple months back, and so I offered to pet sit for his 6 cats and dogs (he's a total animal lover, what can I say), but with one exception. I love all of his animals dearly like they were my own pets, except one of his cats who is quite vicious towards me. She's a nasty tabby cat who claws and hisses and scratches blood when I'm near, so I offered to sit for all but the one stating that reason. I got a message back stating that he wanted me to sit for all his pets. Period. When I got that message, my first instinct was to apologize and say, oh sorry I volunteered, or sorry, I swear I would, but your cat terrifies me, but then I caught myself.

Why was I apologizing for his crazy cat? I had every right in the book to not want to be responsible for and scared of a cat who has proven time and time again, that it and I can apparently never be friends. I have scars plural to prove it, and he's seen it. Immediately I took to erasing my message and re-writing it to simply say that he would need to find other help if all of his pets needed to be together, and that was it.

But it got me thinking. What are we, women in particular, always apologizing for? Don't get me wrong, if you've done wrong, one should always sincerely apologize, but when we're talking about things we have not done or that are not our actual fault, why do we have this need to always say sorry. If we can't do something because we're just too friggin' busy...oh sorry...if we're exhausted from a 10 hour shift and don't have the physical strength to go out with friends...so sorry...if we simply don't have enough arms and legs and us'es to go around...again, so soo sooo very sorry. We apologize for everything from why we're eating because we're super hungry, to what we are wearing if someone doesn't like it, to who we actually are as people or the goals we have in life. Like seriously!

This puts the onus on us or the blame for things we should not let weigh us down. Why apologize because you're just too tired. Instead, an I can't make it tonight, but I'll probably catch you guys next time will do. We don't need to apologize for having dreams, or wanting to move up in the world either. There is power in letting things lie where they may when there is nothing you can do about them or wish to do about them, or because you know who you are and what you want/like. Save your sorry for when you've truly done something worth actually apologizing for.

[MarianneF]

When I was younger, for being assertive around men at work, now, just when I actually do something worth apologizing for.

[MarianneF]

Thanks for the MHG!

[WeedLoVe]

I got triggered reading this. I literally apologize for everything. whether it's my fault or it isn't. people always ask me why I'm apologizing. and sometimes I don't even know why it's just a reflex now. like when someone asks 'hi how are you' and you reply 'I'm fine' just generic things. but I don't think personally that it has to do with me being a woman. it's just my own insecurities for thinking I'm always making a mistake. I was bullied a lot as a kid, I'm pretty much traumatized by that, didn't get enough attention as a kid either was always alone so when I do have a 'friend' or a 'family member' speaking to me I'd get so excited I would apologize so they think I'm a good girl and they would stay. I think I still have that tendency that's why I cringed. I'm aware of my faults and I'm really trying hard not not give a fuck anymore.

[myTake Owner]

I'd say you fit the description of a people pleaser perfectly for all the reasons you described. The good thing is you know why you're doing it. I'd actually advise you to talk more with friends/family/a counselor about your issues back then because it sounds to me, like they are still raw and hurting you even to this day. The mind will always try to protect itself from harm, but you haven't been able to turn down the intensity of your mental bodyguard because you still may perceive danger as always being around you---someone always around the corner that's going to hurt you if you don't say sorry, don't agree with them, etc. What you've gone through was tough, but you don't want to then flip things and lose yourself in being the tough girl yourself--you against the world---in a quest to rid yourself of your behaviors... you just need to work slowly on creating more balance in your life.

[Anonymous]

I'm not going to lie, I apologize all the time. In high school, a cousin once said to me, "You say you're sorry just for breathing- just for existing!" And it shocked me, because I realized she was right. I had never thought about it before.

However, I did grow up under serious amounts of physical, mental, sexual, emotional and verbal abuse. And the abuse came from my family, friends, teachers and fellow students... even from a very young age. It was my version of normal. I didn't know anything different.

[myTake Owner]

Your mind is always going to try to protect itself from harm. If only you apologize, that friend will stick around, your boss won't be mad at you, everyone will be happy again... you try and forcefully create a world where things are normal/perfect/happy because you know the alternative.

Then/now, you can't control what others will think, how they will act, or respond to you no matter how hard you try to make it so. Constantly apologizing will only eventually neutralize the effect of an apology from you because it becomes meaningless white noise. People come to expect it, rather than appreciate the sincerity behind it because like your friend says, you're just saying sorry for even existing.

If you haven't already, see a counselor to help you deal with past hurt. Your mind is covering up for what you may not want to deal with, but it always manifests in other ways that can hurt you. You definitely have value and worth---but you need to see that.

[flamiE]

We, women say sorry all the time for different reasons.

[100musicmaniac]

I do that too, but it's because I don't want anyone to get mad at me with something I wasn't aware of.

[TacosRAwesome]

I used to apologize a lot. Then I lost the ability to give a fuck. So I don't apologize even if I'm wrong.

[Anonymous]

I say sorry for bumping into people or object all the time and it has just been something that spils out and half the time its the other persons fault

[Luv123202]

Apologizing over and over again is mostly to do with anxiety. Or growing up with some type of abuse/bullying as a child. Or if your just Canadian! Hahaha I'm totally kidding about that part.

[Anonymous]

I apologized to my crush a thousand times this year for a ton of thing s

[riverfox]

i do that too! mainly because i don't want to offend them and i consistently feel like i say the wrong thing.

[Anonymous]

for the thngs that i do wrong