The Nice Guy Syndrome and How You Can Cure it (Page 2)

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all the positive feedback!

Dragunuv: I have heard that theory before. It's sad because I find it isn't true for most people. Though I do believe that issue is somewhat separate because it has to do with sexuality, it does seem that women are generally more sexualized in Western culture than men. As for who is regarded as what, that is a stickier topic. I do believe it is good to have sufficient chemistry in a relationship so that neither party feels "unsexy."

[Anonymous]

*it

Also, I think staying true to yourself helps bolster confidence. But turning everything around and becoming confident is a huge struggle within itself that goes deeper than curing "nice guy" syndrome. I also think honesty/sincerity is one of those genderless personality concepts, though maybe men and women have different ways of feeling comfortable with pursuing that. You brought up a lot of things to think about. :)

Perhaps if I wrote a book, I could go into more detail hehe. <3

[Anonymous]

Settingemstraight: Thanks! I would agree, except that the selflessness of a "nice guy" isn't done out of joy, but mere obligation. Thus is creates resentment. Selflessness should be genuine, not an act.

Anthony87: Thank you :) Yeah, I wasn't sure how to go into that without going all cognitive-behavioral therapy, so I just rec'd therapy. Honestly, I don't even know how exactly I got to the point of staying genuine. I think the mask just got too stressful for me and I stopped caring.

[Anonymous]

Thanks! I'm so glad you all like it. And sixstring; I completely agree. I didn't spell that out in the article but it is definitely part of Nice Guy Syndrome. I also do believe a lot of girls often want a man who takes charge, and the submissive nice guy role pretty much forces them to have the "masculine" energy in the relationship. It's sad because nobody gets what they want. I think "nice guys"sometimes settle for girls even they don't want that much sometimes because they feel they "should."

[Anonymous]

Really, coldheartedking? That's fascinating because the "nice guys" I know are ones that have not gotten many dates but I decided to give them a shot anyway because they seemed like they would treat me well. Guess what-- I was wrong!

Thanks for your insights. :) Love hearing your comments, folks.

[Anonymous]

Konnour, reread my article. Don't twist it into fitting some agenda. The "nice guy" is a boy who actually doesn't treat a woman kindly-- at least not sincerely. Passive-aggression is not kind.

Newsflash-- I do know that there are guys who do nice things because they want to. However, they are rare. Many women are searching for this type of man, but they are fooled then burned by the "nice guys" and even varieties of people in serious need of a sense of empathy.

[Anonymous]

I think affectionate girls want a guy who is affectionate because he WANTS to be, not because he think he HAS to. I have had "nice guys" make jabs at my body/personality, give me guilt trips, and accuse me of lying.

Either "nice guys" ignore you and claim they're just giving you space "like you wanted," or they are in your face 24-7. These guys blame all of their problems on their girlfriend and refuse to look at their own controlling behavior.

[Anonymous]

Exactly VoR (can I use that?)! It's about being your own person and going for what YOU want, not what other people think you should want. I had my moments in high school, where I felt pressure to conform and suppress what I was like, almost like treating your life and self-concept as a Facebook page that needs to be "perfect."

[Anonymous]

Exactly. It doesn't even necessarily just mean "you owe me sex" but it can also mean things like "I bought you dinner, so you must cater to me like my mommy when we're not out 6 days of the week" and what have you. Placing a girl on a pedestal, idealizing her, not seeing her as she really is, etc., then hating her because she isn't her ideal. Or maybe he dates girls who are not his type because he is so desperate for -a- girl, but makes fun of the girl he has for not being his "ideal."

[Anonymous]

Sure, jerks and domineering passive-aggressive guys can keep a girl for a while, but not for the right reasons. Pick up artists may be successful, but they get a self-loathing girl who's with him because she thinks she can't do any better. That's not success, IMO. But thank you.

[Anonymous]

You missed the entire point of this article. Plus, most girls don't place "looks" as a top priority, but it's insanity to ask people to date those that they are not attracted to. We don't tell guys to date girl they aren't attracted to, so fair is fair. Keep trying, but stop making generalizations that leave you bitter and ready to attack any woman who doesn't want to date you.

[Anonymous]

Both types may very well abuse a woman emotionally and physically, but while the "bad boy" may say "so what?," a "nice guy" may rationalize it or say it cannot be happening because he is a "nice guy." Or the "nice guy" will frame himself as being "better" than other guys, so due to the crap that other men supposedly dish out, the woman is supposed to be ever-grateful he is only an a-hole sometimes. Sick and twisted logic indeed.

[Anonymous]

A bad boy may pursue his dreams, be confident, never smother the girl, etc. Meanwhile a "nice guy" will sit around, maybe be passive in other aspects of life (never accomplishing anything) and may expect supermodels because they are "nice" (aka haven't committed any awful crimes or what have you). But maybe the "nice guy" is so angry, resentful, and entitled deep down that he doesn't have any bright positive qualities (let alone an inner peace/contentment ) that attract women.

[Anonymous]

Thanks. I only use that term because of what it's called. "Nice Guys" are like the "Bad Boys" in essence in that they behave in destructive ways. The reason why women go for bad boys is because they are more true to themselves, do what they want, and aren't clingy despite treating the woman badly or at least not treating her well enough.

The "nice guys," on the other hand, are insincerely nice, passive-aggressive, clingy, and basically worse than a bad boy in the dating world.

[Anonymous]

Japanblitz: the point of the article is not to not BE nice, it's not to pose as nice then act passive-aggressive. You missed the whole point of the article.

Jager66: heh, you could say that they act like wet blankets. But what is game theory? If it's that pickup-artist stuff I strongly disagree that it's good to use.

[likepubichair]

I'm not going for any of this. I am a good guy but was a womanizer in the past so have been trying to make up for it with woman by appreciating them about what I like in them. All they have done is use it against me. In other words taking my kindness as a weakness. I'm so tired of losing what I have because of it. I am done with them because I'm to the point where it is disrespect to my gender and will have to resort to hurting them to get my dignity back for my gender.

[acealmighty13]

This used to be me. But I had never been in a relationship before. Two years later and a girlfriend later, I'm a much calmer, confident man that has learned many of these ideals through that relationship and being happy with myself.

[dancingelf]

Interesting... I would say this is gender blind in my experience, for example a girl can feel like she must do what her significant other wants because he cares so much for her and does things for her (ie is a really nice guy), even if those things aren't necessarily what she likes or wants. The most important part falls under point one I believe, you need to be self confident enough to speak up. If something isn't right or you don't want to do something, you have to say so.

[Markezzo]

Story of my whole freaking childhood =P

It's always nice to revisit these thoughts every now and again to keep my sight focused on what I want in life.

Nice read ;-)

[coldheartedking]

i used to be "nice guy." Once I learned who I really was and shed the layers of want and need, I found at my core I'm not a nice guy at all - I was just trying to hard to please and impress. A facade!

Many dudes have this same realization at some point. The kicker is I got way more action as a nice guy than the indifferent and dismissive smug bastard I have become years later.

Hate to say it, but there is some truth to the old idiom.

Realize! But don't turn to the dark side.