The reasons I now ghost people


I used to be very against ghosting. I thought it was the worst thing you could do to someone. Now I wish I had ghosted him when my instincts told me to. I'd be surprised if anyone cared enough to read through this, but here it is.

We met on here, GaG. knew each other roughly 6-8 months before he was driving cross country. He said he had always wanted to visit my city, and asked if I could show him around. I live in Detroit, Michigan. It's a very rough placed. My instincts screamed at me not to meet a stranger from the internet in Detroit, of all places. But I ignored my fear and I went to meet him.

We had an amazing time, clicked so well together. Felt as if everything was right. I was in disbelief that I'd never see him again after he continued on his way. We didn't kiss then or anything. Very platonic. But I had never missed someone as much as I did when he continued on his way.

For the next year we talked. We dated other people. We found a time eventually when we were both single, and we realized our feelings for each other were not platonic. Even when dating other people, we talked almost every day. He moved from Texas to Michigan and moved in with me within a month of dating. He had to go to North Dakota for schooling. We knew once we left Michigan, we'd never go back. So we got married, around 4 months of dating. I loved living with him. Being with him. Everything was good when he moved in, but my roommates and friends despised him for some reason.

We moved to North Dakota. Things got stressful. I wasn't used to being away from my family but I was trying to cope. He didn't have a job since he was in full time classes. It was hard for me to find stable work. But we stayed strong, I thought. We traveled a lot. It was incredible, I had always wanted to but never had the opportunity.

He convinced me to give up my car because I was overpaying, and couldn't afford it with rent. He convinced me that my friends treated him poorly. He didn't like my family and they were stupid because they made poor financial decisions at times. I lost contact with a lot of people. Only talking to my friends occasionally. Calling my family once every few weeks. He told me that he never said things I thought he had said. Said I said things that I didn't remember saying. Constantly making me question my reality. He said my dog attacked him so I left her with my family to be cared for. I didn't have friends in North Dakota. He didn't want me to start conversations with people in public when he was with me. And he was always with me, because I couldn't have my own car. He would refuse to take me to work if I ever worked in the morning, because he didn't want to wake up early. But I again, wasn't allowed to have a car. So I couldn't keep a job. Uber was nonexistent in our small town.

I slowly and steadily lost my sense of self. He constantly stared at other girls, very blatantly, even if it was just to mock the fact that I didn't like it, and told me to wear clothes that didn't suit my body type. Then he'd make fun of the same clothes he had told me to buy, making me self conscious, and again questioning my reality. He would distract me during my homework so I'd do a bad job. Especially when I told him I needed quiet because I was doing my homework. But he wanted me to help with his. He'd tell me he wanted a baby. He'd finish inside of me during sex. Then he'd tell me to take a plan B emergency contraceptive. I couldn't take birth control due to it making me severely ill, and he refused to wear a condom.

My grandmother got sick. She was in the hospital for a week before she had a stroke, and when she had a stroke I told him I needed to be there. The last thing he said to me in person was, "I don't care". With no clarification. No kiss goodbye. I just got out of the car because I had to catch my train. I didn't know it at the time but I was pregnant.

I was there for 2 weeks before my grandma passed away. The day of my grandmothers funeral he messaged me with a list of 10 ultimatums to stay in the relationship. One, being I couldn't have a car. Another was I had to sit and do his homework with him every night or he would cheat. 10 ultimatums like this. On the day of my grandmother's funeral I also had my first positive pregnancy test. It was barely positive but it was definitely positive. I tested again. faint positive. and again. negative. Then again. positive. negative. For 2 weeks, at one point they were all positive. faintly but definitely positive and getting darker. All the while arguing with him and I didn't tell him for a few days. When I did, he said it was my mind trying to convince myself I was pregnant so he would stay with me. I was throwing up daily. My period was 6 weeks late (2 weeks late is normal for me, not 6). I had a blood test (negative) done about 3 or 4 weeks after I got my first positive test, and that same day I started my period. I was no longer pregnant.

He told me I wasn't welcome back. He kicked me out, I had to move my things immediately after my grandmother died. I flew my things home in two suitcases while he was on the vacation we were supposed to go on. This was at the start of the Covid19 outbreak in my state.

My uncle died too, 2 weeks ago. He had cancer. I couldn't visit him a final time because of Covid19. I lost my last months with my grandmother. I went through a miscarriage. This all started in March. I am going through a divorce with the man that had promised me the world. It is now May 13th, 2020, and I haven't even begun to heal. He thinks I've moved on so soon because I don't want to talk to him. But he doesn't understand all the pain I'm going through because of him. He wouldn't even give me the courtesy of a phone call, we ended our relationship over Facebook messenger because he is a coward. He wouldn't wait for me to come home. He wanted to have our fight then and there.

I wish I had ghosted him. And from here on out, I will ghost people when that instinct tells me to. I used to get upset when people ghosted me. Now I wish I had ghosted him, and I'll never hesitate to do so again.

I hope he sees this and I hope he knows the hate and the anger I harbor for him. He said before that he has read every MyTake I've ever written. Well this one is written for him.

#ghosting #divorce

The reasons I now ghost people
The reasons I now ghost people
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Most Helpful Girl

  • CarpetDenim
    Holy shit, I’m so sorry you had to go through something like that. I hear online dating horror stories like this pretty often, but this is the first time it’s ever happened to someone I actually kind of know and it hits so much harder. At least you’ve learned from your mistakes and you can read the signs of an abusive and exploitative relationship before it’s too late in the future. But I’m sorry you had to learn it like that, no one deserves that.
    Like 6 People
    Is this still revelant?
    • MsMusic

      I believe you'd actually know who I'm talking about on this. I think you knew him.

      I didn't recognize it because it happened so slowly. I did have someone I dated for longer try to propose to me and I ended my relationship with him because he had started showing signs of being abusive. With my marriage, I didn't know until it was over. Even then, it took me weeks to realize everything he had done as far as gaslighting and everything.

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What Girls & Guys Said

  • NineBreaker
    I have read what you said twice, and based on what you've written, in my opinion, he was manipulative and abusive. You admit that getting involved with him was a mistake, which in my opinion shows some level of growth on your part. However, you have to take responsibility for your inaction during the relationship. It seems to me that you he was able to get away with a lot of misbehavior because you allowed him to. The best thing to do right now is to cut him out of your life completely. Once the divorce goes through, ignoring and avoiding him at all cost would not fit the definition of ghosting because a divorce is the most official and profound way of telling someone that it's over. Stop seeking validation from him; You should not care about how inconsiderate he is to your ordeals. Drop him completely (ignore - block - delete).

    The lesson here is to never allow others to mistreat you, because if you allow people to mistreat you, they will.

    I still think that ghosting people is still wrong. A better response would be to reject him overtly, and then ignore him if he persists. Ignoring someone after you outwardly tell them to go away is not ghosting. We should not be conflating the two.
    Like 5 People
    • MsMusic

      I know. I did a lot wrong by letting him gain so much control over me. But I didn't realize what was happening until I was away for a few weeks and he freaked out. I have blocked him now but if he wants to contact me he'll find a way. I'm still so angry which is why I posted this. I'm trying to heal but I can't when it's all pent up inside. I don't have anyone I can talk to. I've pushed away all of my close friends for him. Rekindling those friendships is hard enough as it is, hearing them tell me about how they knew he was trash and such.

    • In your circumstances anyone who would tell you, "I told you so," isn't much of a friend.

      If you reach out to your closest friends and tell them, "You were right, he was SOOO wrong for me. May tell you how wrong he was? And how hurt I am now?" I'm sure they just say. "Yes," and turn their ears up to high gain.

  • I-am-a-nobody
    It would be easy to just trash this guy and to be sure, he was wrong in a zillion ways...

    However, you need to see your own responsibility in all this, too. There's more than a few bad decisions you made and I think you need learn from them. This isn't as much about ghosting as it is a cautionary tale about trusting people too soon.
    I hope you get your life turned around.
    Like 4 People
    • MsMusic

      I know. I'm trying to take lessons from it but I also need to heal. And we knew each other long distance for about 2 years before dating. I didn't feel like it was too soon, we had talked every day damn near.

    • @MsMusic
      OK, I didn't want to be totally unsympathetic and yes, you should take time to heal. Some of this is probably therapeutic in that it reinforces that he was nasty (and he was). Just take some time in healing. It might be two steps forward and one back, but you can heal.

      Note: Both my siblings married people that everyone else saw it was a mistake, but they were determined. It's probably painful for your family too.

  • pajamasam
    That guy was a control freak, I've heard stories of guys like that, that do everything they can to make a girl feel like she isn't allowed to leave, taking her car, disconnecting her from family, making her feel worthless, trying to convince her to have kids, etc.

    He sounds like a terrible person I'm so sorry that happened to you.

    Maybe sometimes following your gut and just ghosting is the right choice.
    Like 2 People
    • MsMusic

      He rationalized everything he did, or wanted me to do. He was still trying to make me feel crazy during our fight. When I went to to pack my things up he was trying to convince me to meet him on vacation, even though he had already kicked me out and said I wasn't welcome back to the state of North Dakota.

    • pajamasam

      I've been reading about cults a lot recently and it all sounds like tactics cult leaders put on their followers.

    • MsMusic

      It was very weird and frustrating. I didn't notice anything until he sent me the lsit of ultimatums.

  • headset
    " I wish I had ghosted him when my instincts told me to" that is why I got insane after they ghosted me just dumped me like shit. Because I saw that things are going to end, yet I didn't left them. I stayed for them. It made me to hate them and myself. I didn't read your post yet. But I will
    Like 1 Person
    • MsMusic

      The guy I should've ghosted made me question everything I thought was true. I'm talking early on ghosting. the first weeks. not in a long term relationship. I'm sorry you went through something painful too. If I had only ghosted him though, I would've been saved a lot of pain personally.

    • headset

      Exactly. This is the first time I met someone who agreed with me. they were saying I should be the one who should duped them, they were saying I was too week.

      Thank you. I know it is a stigma. Try to be less sensitive, it is the only thing we can do. I love when people say me rude or asshole... I feel like I achieved what I want.

    • MsMusic

      A year ago I would've disagreed with you. I thought ghosting was horrible. Now I wish I had ghosted him.

    • Show All
  • Mroz75
    Sorry you had to go through all of that, but he is narcissist and have Manipulative behaviour... and if he came back apologising, trust me don't believe him, such people would never ever be really sorry, and I'm also sure if he tried to apologise he will be in a defensive position... (speaking from experience)

    but keep your head up, and everything will be okay, stay strong dear ❤

    Always follow your gut feeling. It would save you from a lot...
    Like 1 Person
    • MsMusic

      Thank you. He's already tried getting me to go back to him, but only if *I* apologize. Not happening. And I will never be with him again.

    • Mroz75

      He doesn't deserve an apology, and also you didn't do anything to be apologetic about, he's just trying to keep you under control.. beware of such people, and also read about manipulative behaviours and narcissism, and you'd know what I'm talking about!

  • jalas4612
    Wow. That is cruel. I'm recovering from similar shit. Almost to the "T". You ever need a friend, I'm always here. Destructive shit, Love is...
    Like 2 People
    • MsMusic

      It is very destructive. Very hard couple of months

    • jalas4612

      I understand. You're not alone and I hope you are finding your happiness! I got your back if you need to vent

    • MsMusic

      Thank you 😊😊

    • Show All
  • winterfox10
    Well you DID just get divorced. Maybe you ought to just give yourself some time to recover before putting yourself in situations where you will ghost people. It's crazy to think about people meeting on this website though
    Like 2 People
    • MsMusic

      Still working on the divorce part. I'm just saying in general I'll ghost people now 👻

    • Eh... being ghosted sucks. I get why people do it, but it's just not how I choose to do things

  • Yads_Is_Back
    Damn, sorry you even had to go through all that... Give yourself a year or two or three, and time will heal it, but obviously take this lesson with you. That sounds so freakin’ horrible though, and it makes me feel justified about ghosting guys because tbh I do it A LOT, just not for this reason 🤣 sometimes I just legit get bored or don’t want to talk to them.
    Like 1 Person
  • Random_Guy_Online
    Wow what a lunatic. I didn't know that people met up off of this app
    Like 5 People
    • MsMusic

      Neither did I until I did. I thought I was crazy. We met once for a few hours. Then we went our separate ways, and continued to talk. Had a good friendship for a long time. It turned into more.

    • Well I'm glad you got away from that situation

    • MsMusic

      Me too. No more meeting random guys online 😅

    • Show All
  • bluegrass89
    I feel sorry to hear that. Hope that you will recover soon and get a fresh life when this Covid19 gone. Be strong there! Never give up and never go back to the same place that has broke you down. You deserve to be loved and cared as well!
    Like 1 Person
  • TheRealQuestion2
    Im sorry you went through such a nightmare. I hope you never meet another controlling b*stard like him.
    Like 4 People
  • NYCQuestions1976
    Damn. This is why post-divorce I say "bang it out and keep moving". However you're still young, and there's no kids involved, so luckily, even though I'm sure it hurts and sucks right now, you can eventually hit the reset button. 👍
    Like 3 People
  • Crankor
    Sounds like you ignored a lot of red flags from the start. Sucks you had to learn them that way
    Like 3 People
    • MsMusic

      It does look like that now, I just never noticed the flags go up. It's very frustrating now looking back

  • cicchis0
    Marrying an arsehole isn't a reason to ghost people. You don't only have two options: marry or ghost.
    Like 3 People
  • Aaron_Stone
    I have utmost empathy for you.
    But lesson you learned is not what it should be.
    What he did was manipulation and control, The thing you need to do is stop people from controlling you and set the limits for it.
    Ghosting has nothing to do with how you should have treated him.
    Did you know how your future gonna be? NO. He started manipulation after long time. You can't know people and find good people if you just ghost. You will loose their trust and love towards.

    Try to identify when people are crossing boundaries which can harm your life then just cut them from life.
    No need to ghost them, cause they will just haunt you back.
    Just set boundaries, convey them you aren't comfortable and tell them to respect those boundaries.
    If they can't respect boundaries just leave them.
    Like 1 Person
    • MsMusic

      He never hit me. That's always been my limit. I didn't realize how damaging other kinds of abuse were, so I never set limits. And I'm not sure what lesson I can take from this, other than to be more wary. It was a very slow thing. I never realized he was 'abusing me' until he sent me a list of ultimatums. I didn't realize how far it'd gone.

    • But Now you know.
      Set limits and boundaries. Tell them if they cross and leave them if it persists.
      Don't ghost people 👻.
      It's like trying to avoid riding bicycle, cause you fell once.

  • Dinosaursandanime65
    I read it all, and it pisses me off. Every relationship I read about in this site (ALL FATHER GIVE ME SIGHT) the guys are always doing this kind of b. s. Assholes. I want to End them all. Right her. Hang 3 of them and then toss their bodies in the neighbors ward. Toss knives in the heads like a dart. And just beat them to death. Intropeed is the natural order of the universe. I simply catolize the process
    Like 1 Person
    • Nina12346

      their time will come, they will meet their match, don't think like that, get those thoughts out of your head child.

    • @Nina12346 Today s victory has already been written. Tell death i said henlo

    • No. Gun shots to da head makes me laugh, a little

    • Show All
  • crazy8000
    A bunch of wusses.

    Speak up (as earlyas possible). blow off. move on with life.
    Block if that person have problems with understanding brutal honest straight forward message.
    Extremely low possibility to get a stalker.
    Both parties get a closening and rarely get mental issues that sneaks on later on in life together with other baggage that was suppressed.
    • crazy8000

      I hope you realize that hate isn't the opposite of love.
      Only that you have invested more feelings for him.

      If you want to get back at some. become indifferent.
      That screws with the head for someone like him.

    • MsMusic

      I hate him and I still love him. It's horrible. I wish I could become indifferent. I will over time.

  • jimmy2
    God bless you. It sounds like you was so in love with him. He definitely was not in love with you. As you know now sometimes love hurts. Healing will come then wisdom.
    Like 3 People
  • Thatsamazing
    1) Where is the source for the information in that graphic at the bottom?
    2) I'm sorry to hear about your uncle but I'm still not really sure how or why it's related to being shitty to other people.
  • Hypnos0929
    1) I feel sorry for you and all you've had to deal with
    2) Regretting a relationship is not a good reason to ghost people. Other people have feelings and ghosting is just an excuse to not say "Sorry i don't feel the same way".
    3) That chart is complete B. S. You're telling me 36% of men have never been ghosted OR ghosted someone? That's a lie 10 times over.
  • Show More (22)