What it’s like for me (18y/o autistic girl) to talk to people in school // basically just a rant

[Anonymous]

So basically, I don’t.

talking to people in real life is practically impossible unless they approach me. because I just can’t speak or find words for anyone I don’t know.

And besides, I’m the weird artist girl. Not the one that “hisses at people and calls her crushes onii-Chan.” But the ones that you only interact with when you have an art project and you don’t wanna do anything.

I try to be nice and honest but even then- no matter how much I try I always feel out of place- like I’m just there because they’re too nice to tell me to leave. And that people only put up with me so they don’t seem ableist. I just don’t know how to fit in and be normal. And everyone says there’s “no such thing as normal” yes. There. Is.
It’s the “going out to the mall with your girlfriends on the weekend and dating a hot jock named Jackson and going to prom and being a cheerleader”

that’s normal. That’s EXPECTED. But I haven’t gone to 1 game my entire school year. And I haven’t had 1 guy ask me out except the guys who immediately say “it was a dare.” I don’t know what to say or how to be- I just want to be like them. And I want to be normal. I want to talk and not have to worry about them judging me. But I can’t because we’re nothing alike. And I feel horrible about it. I feel so wrong about being so different. I blend in so well yet when it comes to talking and making friends I fail miserably to the point we’re I expect it. I expect guys to find me repulsive and I expect girls to be grossed out when I sit with them because that’s how it’s always been. And they say I am one of them, but they don’t treat me like it. I feel so utterly out of place. I just wish I knew what it was like to not have to worry about saying the wrong thing or looking the wrong way. But it’s so hard to be like them when we have nothing alike.

there was a point in time where I tried really really hard to be normal and fit in. But they all still excluded me. Like nothing had changed, like they didn’t care about how hard I was trying. And when I realized I’ll always be the “weird art girl” I gave up. And my mental health is slowly declining as all of my chances of living a normal high school life fades.

it’s my senior year, and I haven’t gone to 1 game, gotten into 1 fight, and talked to anyone romantically.. and I wish I was normal. I know it’s not good but it’s normal. And it’s expected.

I’m just so bad. I’m nothing like other girls in my grade and it tears me up inside. I want to be normal so bad but I’ll never be Normal. And I’ll never have them at high school girl life that every other girl has because I’m just . Wrong

I’m just wrong

All I’ve ever wanted was to be one of them, even for a day. For everything to come so naturally but I’ve accepted it never will. I’ve given up on them like they’ve given up on me a long time ago.

[whough]

Obviously most of your classmates aren’t autistic, but what you are talking about is about as normal as anything you could have said. I was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome after getting a psychiatric evaluation in first grade because the severe ADHD it caused, and I can relate to a lot of what you were saying, including what has been the most important part for me in high school: acceptance. I was always pretty introverted, especially as I was prescribed more treatment for my impulsivity from ADHD, and being half Asian made people even quicker to compartmentalize me and dismiss me as weird. However, I started to realize that just because other people are more sociable doesn’t mean that you have to be, too. I’m not going to lie to you, most of your classmates probably think you’re weird, and I’m sure most of my classmates probably think I’m weird for the same reasons, but one thing I’ve learned is that I don’t really care enough to be ashamed of being myself. I’m a senior, too, and I also haven’t been to any of my school’s sports games or other events and haven’t joined any clubs in my four years of high school, and I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t pressure myself to do things I don’t want to just because everyone else enjoys doing them. In fact, I will be alone so often I’ve had a lot of people come up to me and ask me if I’m okay because, for most people, acting the way I do means that something is wrong and they’re going through something, but for me it’s just how I am, and if that’s how you naturally are there is no reason you should be ashamed of that, and the only people that should be ashamed are the people that judge you for not suppressing your true self just to be more like them. Also, if you think no one else feels the anxiety and insecurity that you do, you’re dead wrong. One thing I’ve realized that’s helped me get over things that were embarrassing for me in the past is looking at myself from other people’s perspective, and realizing that these things that are embarrassing to us, other people don’t really care about and sometimes don’t even notice at all. I don’t know exactly what your interests are or how much what you enjoy could apply to this, but during high school I started to play a lot of online games, and one thing I’ve realized that has really helped me has been making friends in an online setting, where I don’t have to worry about not smiling enough, or not making eye contact, or any of the other things I have to worry about that make me different in face-to-face conversations, and I have friends that I’m closer with than I had been with anyone at my school. I tried to make this organized but sometimes my thoughts are all over the place and I have trouble getting it into written (or typed) form, but I hope this was helpful.

P. S. In my book, they’re the weird ones and we’re the normal ones. I mean, what kind of weirdos enjoy going out to crowded games with that many people when you could spend a relaxing Friday night at home?

[America1st]

I really wish I could talk with you privately. People are mean, especially when you are different and they have no clue why, or if they do, they don't know how to relate. You need to stop putting yourself down. You are not a bad person who does bad things to others. You set yourself up for failure when you try because you decide you will fail before you even try. sadly, you are right when you say you don't get a chance with most people. That's wrong, but it's how society is. Autism used to mean one thing. Now we know there are all levels of autism and you are, in my opinion, an example of a well-functioning autistic person. I was pretty sad reading your post because you sound like a good person who has very normal desires that hasn't figured out how to blend in with others.

Quit having expectations about what your interactions should be like with others. The fact that you are 18 years old and don't have anyone to help you is hard on you. Understand this... There are many teenage girls who feel they are not normal for whatever their reasons are. You are pretty good at expressing your feelings and what you want. That tells me you are not so different from others. Many so-called "normal" people are not near as good as you at getting their thoughts and feelings across to others. You made me feel your pain and hopelessness while I read your post. Not everybody can affect me that way. You being autistic had nothing to do with that. Give yourself some credit for being able to put into words how you think and feel. I get the feeling you need to slow down your thoughts when with others. Your expectations need to be forgotten. Take things as they come rather than have the expectations and then have them immediately shut down. You lose at that point because you are defeated and expect nothing more.

Like I said at the beginning, I wish I could talk to you in person. I would love to interact with you and, maybe, get you past where you are right now. never give up. There are good people out there that can be a friend to you. You need to believe that and be open to it.

You can write me any time if you would like to.

[evansste]

I can offer you a few pieces of good news. First of all, it's your senior year. This means that you won't be in high school for much longer. Secondly, once you enter the adult world, you'll realize that adults can tend to be a little less cliquish than people in school. If you pursue a career in art, and you're good at what you do, people will value your skill, and care less about your physical appearance, or your social skills.

It's true that a person is well off if they have good social skills. I'm antisocial. So, even though I know how to act around others, I greatly prefer to be by myself. I can relate to the extra work that's involved, when it comes to interacting with others.

I'm 46 years old, now, and I still consider it somewhat of a chore to interact. From my perspective, I can't say that you'll ever feel as comfortable interacting with others, as those who have that common, natural, gift, of being social. At least, that's been my experience.

I'm a Christian; which means that I'm a child of God. I possess nothing that is more important than my relationship with him. A relationship with God, is the most valuable thing that you, or any human being, could ever obtain.

If you don't believe me, then I suggest getting a Bible that has been translated into easy-to-understand, modern, English. I have one called "The Good News Bible". It's as easy to understand as what I'm typing, now. If you get a similar Bible, and read it, from beginning to end, with a sincere desire to understand its content, you'll have more than most people, in this world. You'll come to truly realize just how temporary this life is. You'll gain an eternal perspective.

If you choose to be a child of God; and if you truly choose to have a life of fellowship with him, as is shown with many great examples, throughout the Bible, you will literally possess an eternal treasure that is far more valuable than anything this temporary life has to offer.

Read about the lives of Noah, Moses, Abraham, King David, Daniel, Elijah, and others. If you do so, you'll know what I mean. Their real life examples will demonstrate what's possible.

[monorprise]

This is called being a teenager.

Nothing you describe here is unusual, it just seems that way to you because of where you are right now. In time you will see the truth.
Almost nobody dates the jock or hottest girl in school, and those that do, don't generally look back with pride upon it as you might have expected.

Keep reaching out to all sorts of people, not acquire them as friends but to build your social skills and break down your mental barriers with people. This is also a fear common with teenagers that must be broken down with practice. Overcoming it is extremely useful, and eventually some share of them will become good friends.

[OatmealMuffin]

good take

[Anonymous]

Has autism affected your dating life in any way?