What is the Allure & Mystery of younger women dating older men? Why is it frowned upon by so many people, especially the Religious crowd?

[wingattebaby16]

I grew up in Atlanta and Decatur, GA.

All my gfs liked older men, often had crushes on the dads and stepdads.

We were all low income, often with a single mom or a stepdad. Too many brothers and sisters in the family, so often getting any love and attention from parents was lacking.

After my mom divorced my real dad, and married my step dad, we had a nice 5 bedroom house he owned. But still, i was used to not having anything and the Culture in the South is a stereotype (girls having sex at 11 to 15yo and getting pregnant at 13-14yo; Step dads being drunks, abusive, and often preferring a young girl over his 30's to 40's yo wife that is dumpy, fat, and lazy; this often translate to his stepdaughter or her friends).

So i have talked with other girls, mostly my friends i grew up with, and some more open minded GAG gfs and on Instagram and FB.

I just watched the Gregory Peck 1970 movie, "Walk The Line" where he is dissatisfied with his dumpy, unromantic, uptight wife, and as an extensive affair with a teen hillbilly girl. Peck was bored with is lack luster life, and his frumpy wife.
---------

Point of interest: in the 1700 to early 1900's, so many girls 12-14yo were wives to men in their 30's, had babies by 14 yo, and lived until 30-40 years old. So Historically, it younger women have married older man all the time. (and some religions have 10-14yo girls marrying 40-60yo men!)

Note: most the older men i have dated, are 20yrs or less older than me. I am not into a guy 30-50 years older than me.. No Grandpas.

Here are my reasons I grew to like older men:

- My mom was 100% pinay filipina. Very strict, religiously uptight, and often abusively mean to me physically and emotionally. I was the oldest daughter of 5 kids. She regretted marrying my dad and being Catholic, birth control was taboo. So she had 5 kids in less than 6-7 years.

My real dad was never around due to business travel. I loved him a lot.

My stepdad (i was 10.5 yo when they married) was in his early 30's and he treated me like a daughter more than my real dad ever did. My mom was physically abusive, often putting me in the hospital. My Stepdad was there for me, loved me, shielded me from mom, and was my advocate.

- My mom divorced my stepdad when i was 15yo, almost 16yo. She got a restraining order against him so he could not see her or us kids.

- My stepdad had to sell the house to pay off my mom and we moved into a 2 bedroom 800 sq ft house with her "new" boyfriend. He was nice like my stepdad and often stuck up for me when mom would Blow a Gasket. I grew to love him a lot!

Mom walked out on us 3 kids (my real dad had taken my two younger sisters when i was 15yo to live with him and his new wife), leaving us with her boyfriend. We lived a good life with him for almost 6-10 months, before my stupid bff girlfriend told someone and Child Services came and took us away. My brother got put into foster care by himself, and me and my sister were put into foster care with my stupid bff girlfriend's uncle! Ironic. (She had pleaded with him to take all 3 of us kids, but he only wanted 2 of us).

- In foster care, my Foster Dad was negligent of me, but liked my younger sister. He already had guardianship of his 4 nieces and they were all "properly" obedient girls, so he doted on them. I was a troubled child with serious issues, having sex wantonly and randomly with any guy "Child Services" said, as well as drug & alcohol related issues.

I admit i rebelled against my foster dad as he was the hardest on me and treated me like a door mat. He got paid to care for me, but even with me doing straight A's in school, i was a "troublemaker" in his eyes. I got into drugs, alcohol, arrested a few times for shoplifting (i only got Caught 3 times, but stole like 20+ times), and was constantly sneaking out at night.

He even made me my bff's keeper. She was on serious meds for mental issues, and she would not sleep alone. So I got stuck with her all the time. At night, she would rat me out if I snuck out.

- 4th of July my 16th bday, my foster dad had a Pool party. I had been dumped by the guy I really liked and was in a pissy mood. He got the women at the party to befriend me and i ended up drinking a lot.

He had obviously been getting mad at my behavior, as I was often stoned, drunk, generally wasted and in trouble at school and the cops.

My foster dad worked as a US Marshal for the government, so he often had my cop issues swept under the carpet. He was fed up with my behavior, but because my sister and my bff both constantly pleaded with him to not put me back in the Foster Care system (my brother had already at 16yo been put into juvie).

Basically, Foster Dad set me up to have someone else take "responsibility" for me to keep me distracted to avoid issues at home (his eldest niece had gotten him in serious trouble by posting nude pics on some website and some one in his office found them and reported them. He got in a lot of trouble and almost lost his Foster Care status, as well as his job!).

At the party and after, I had a couple of his older men friends (30-40 yo) as my Unofficial boyfriends. He turned a blind eye to it as i was a minor, but Bill and then later Greg, kept me busy all the time. The "love" of an older man that took control of my actions to keep me out of trouble, did straighten me out. I stopped doing drugs and stopped being an alcoholic.

I latched onto these older men as they gave me the love i had gotten from my stepdad and my mom's ex boyfriend. A male role model, a man that cherished me as a woman, and taught me sex was a lot more than just Spreading My Legs or Opening My Mouth & Swallowing. They taught me women deserve and enjoy orgasms, romance, and what Love is.

- Having a crappy teenage life, with a mom that did not love me and dumped me on the County Child Services department, her tearing me away from a dad, stepdad, and her ex boyfriend that loved me and were a male role model, messed up my life, especially emotionally.

Greg made me his Official girlfriend at 18yo. We were together until i was 19yo, when he got reassigned and could not take me with him. That tore me apart as i had had him as my boyfriend from 16-19yo!

After that, i mistook Sex for Love. Being with any man, bad or good, was better than being alone and depressed. I made a lot of mistakes. A lot of men beat me, hurt me emotionally, but i was like, "Bad Attention is better than No Attn".

----------

**Older men are mature, have money, are financially stable (most), have a car, a house, realize that a woman has Needs, and are flattered when a younger woman wants to be with them. They realize foreplay is vital for a woman to love sex and consistently come back to him for more.

**Younger women like the security and feeling of safety being with an older man. He has experience, knows how life works, and generally has dealt with Life's hardships before.

**I found I was a victim in my own mind of having "daddy issues". I had not had a good experience growing up, and every girl in her early teens loves her dad. Mine were ripped out of my life by my mom! Older men Fill that need for a male authority figure, AND if they treat us with respect, caring, love, and OMG Attention (guys my age never wanted to talk, except about video games, sports, cars, and hot girls!), we melt in their hands.

**There is a feeling of "I got what it takes to please an older man" when women their age treat them like shit. I admit a lot of women have had a hard life, but older men get tired of their nonsense and younger women are less experienced, are willing to be guided and mentored into what a man likes. (i truly felt i could be a better wife to my stepdad than my mom was! it did lead to problems and issues, but i was a teen girl)

**For me, older men are better in bed. More & longer foreplay. Not into their own pleasure. They love romance (flowers, cards, candy, overnight trips, spontaneous love making [dept store fitting room, parking lot after a movie, turn-out on the road at night, motel rooms, quickies over the back of a sofa in the middle of the day], and making me feel i am special and loved by them.

** Most of my gfs back home also liked the Thrill of seducing an older man. It often was a game to see who could score more dad cock! Also, raging girl hormones and seeing a dad that is being ignored by his wife. "i can be a better wife to him than she is!" played a big factor.

---------

What are your thoughts and opinions?

Please be kind, keep it clean, and if your mindset is Ultra Religious or Condemning, please move on and keep your opinions to yourself.

I just have had this on my mind since i get hammered on social media. I will be 28yo in Aug and my husband just turned 46yo. My family, except my adopted mom, puts me down and insults me for choosing this life. YET, my adopted dad is 56yo, and my adopted mom is only 38yo.. Hypocrite!

I have had two girls since 2018 and my mom supports me. My dad and sisters tell me i am stupid, and why would i love a man 19yo older than me? Hello dad, you are 18yo than mom!

[Rania05]

I have a good childhood and though having some daddy complex because I love him a lot I never thought about 'Oh! I can be a wife better than mom' No, despite mom being emotionally abusive when I was younger she was trying and I got my freedom on things by being more sacrastic, I and my sister get into lots of fight I'm the student and she's the worker why would she take my things? I had serious social anxiety while many in my family (parents, sister, maternal aunt, paternal uncle and apparently my paternal grandparents whom I never met) that made me feel excluded and ignored. But did I resort to drugs or alcohol? No, main reason is as Muslim I was taught at a young age that alcohol is going to ruin my life and having seen so many cases of drugs' effects in films and news and made countless school research about it that I became sick of it by the end of middle school, I would never touch it even with a knife on my neck!!!

So yeah? Maybe I'm not someone who can relate to you, and don't be fooled by my showing age I'm actually 17 but to log in to Facebook in elementary school my sis jokingly made me an account that turned me 20 years older in my email.

When it comes to older men, I don't get why people who sounds around 15 years older would hit on me, their smooth conversation flow makes me distressed how to reject them. I do end either saying 'sorry but I prefer not giving my number to someone I don't know' and fled or simply give them a the old number of my dad with the most natural expression I can.

I believe your environment issues were really messing with you as teenager, good that you're doing well now.

Well, staying with someone much older than you has many issues, at least I wouldn't want a boyfriend who can be my dad's age If daddy had me earlier, I do feel distrubed when I would realize he ages much faster than me, and no I do like the life of getting care of my partner but not being treated as semi-child or feel like one around him.

And yeah, while older men getting married to much younger girls was commonplace in middle age I don't think they had much say in this matter or simply didn't care as long as they can survive. I hope society can be more acceptable of older women liking men that are a bit younger than them (Gosh, the exclamation when the cousin of my friend made a 5-years younger boyfriend was uncomfortable)

I think it's a matter of a taste to like older men or not.

Certainly not my thing, I don't think I can accept a partner with more than 3-years age gap whether younger or older.

[Rania05]

Oh, and just something I forgot to add. While I said 3-years gap whether younger or older, I do want it younger. Most of elementary school I fantasied about a cute younger brother I do spoil and take care of, so when I thought about my ideal type I imagine a boy younger than me by a year or two holding my hand and pulling me for some adventure 😂

Older and younger men each has their pros and cons, and I'm the kind of girl of girl who'd be more than happy to spend what little I have for whom I like as long as he greets with a smile and give me attention when I'm talking, totally with my future boyfriend being a bit reckless as long as he doesn't smoke or make lots of dirty jokes.

[_Aragorn]

Sounds cute

[KatherineJ]

I dated and married an older guy. Sorry, but the guys my age (at the time) still acted like boys, and I was looking for an adult.

[wingattebaby16]

i agree 100%. I realized early on that if i wanted to be treated like a lady and have an equal, i had to be with an older man.

[KatherineJ]

@wingattebaby16 and remember, that’s not a bash on men. They just develop differently than girls/women do.

[TenderFantasy]

To be honest, I think society is to blame for a lot of that. Look how society doesn't really "punish" guys or they say "He's just being a guy" when the guy does something immature or hurtful!

When I was at the Welfare office long ago, I saw a lot of men's faces, shamefully plastered on a wall asking, "Have you seen these men? They need to pay their childsupport" something like that. Well, that's kind of a bad example, but still... I hardly ever hear "Dead beat mom" as compared to "Dead beat dad"! Like it's something that's such a normal, everyday occurence!

I mean society doesn't really praise maturity anyway, especially after like the 50's lol. Look at the sky high cost of living and the prices of homes! Why do you have people in their 20's and up still LIVING with their folks? ! With the exception of those taking care of their parents or being disabled.

[KatherineJ]

@TenderFantasy that’s a lot to discuss.

[HighValue]

@TenderFantasy You don't hear "dead beat mom," because mothers are almost never required to pay child support because women have the responsibility as if they were a child themselves in our society. Women aren't held responsible for providing healthcare for their kids either (where is the EQUALITY in that?) And they often steal the kids from the fathers in court just so they can hurt the father (hurts the kid too but they don't care about their kids very often) and to get money.

I have worked in schools for over 12 years now and have seen MANY more bad mothers than bad fathers when it comes to single parent families.
"Society doesn't punish guys?" So when are women finally going to get the same "punishment" prison sentences as guys for the same crimes? Recently there was even a woman teacher in Clovis convicted of sexually abusing a student. Guess what her sentence was? One year of an ankle monitor and NO jail time. Yep, women have it FAR easier and are held FAR less responsible than men are. Anyone that disagrees with that statement is a LIAR and can't be reasoned with at all. Totally dishonest.

[jonathan1182]

Good for you for marrying, I was in a relationship with a young girl, she was very much into me but ended the relationship because her parents didn't approve of me :(

[Vegasrunner]

@TenderFantasy You mentioned "society doesn't punish men and then gave a literal example of how society punishes men?

[RiseofArtemis]

@TenderFantasy Society just doesn't hold any standard anymore to the young and lets them behave how they want with no consequences. This happened because of parents not being able to raise their children right and of course single parent homes. You are not gonna raise a good human being if half is missing. Skeet and yeet dudes exist because they have no good male role model. Just like the pump and dump girls have no good male role model from which they can learn the traits required for a good faithful man. The free sex movement was a mistake.

[Vegasrunner]

@TenderFantasy Kind of contradictory statement no? On one hand you claim society doesn't punish men for being immature but then in the next paragraph you literally highlight a shaming tactic used by society to punish immature men. Which is it?

[PizzaPieMamaBear]

My new guy is 21 I’m your age lol I dunno it’s working

[RACSKC0B]

After reading about what you went through, I couldn't help but think "I gotta move to Atlanta before the end of summer."
HAHA J/K
Sorry, the part I don't think you're seeing, is how much your mother has had an affect on your choices. We are all products of our environment, although you may not like or appreciate the things your mother did while you were growing up, understandably. Since she was consistently in your life and your primary caregiver until you were about 15, she's your biggest example of a woman.
So yes, because you were torn away from male authority figures repeatedly, you developed an attraction to older guys. Partly because it was what you wanted (and probably needed) growing up, and couldn't have it. So now that you're an adult, you've decided that's what you're going to have.
But your mother is who taught you how to behave as a women, as a wife or a girlfriend. Even if you don't like the idea of her being who you would tend to act like now.
You seem pretty strong willed, so it might not present its self all the time, and maybe it's only when you're over stressed, or there's a disagreement between you and your husband that it shows. It's the times when you know what you're doing isn't what you want to be doing, and you're not even sure why that's what you've chosen to do. And even though it's not what you want to be doing, you know it's not going to get you the results that you want (most likely it will only create more problems between your husband and you), and even though a is happening you recognize these things you still don't stop the behavior and watch it unfold almost in slow motion in front of you.
If that makes sense.
That's your mom, and you probably learned it at a very young age.
You should probably talk to a professional, just given what you've shared here, tells me that it was so much worse then that. You should know, that it's not your fault, no matter what anyone (including your mother) may have told you at the time. You were a child, and they were supposed to be men, adult men. But they weren't, and that's their flaw, not yours.

[wingattebaby16]

i went through 6 years of therapy... 16 to 22 yo.. it did help a lot. Especially repressed memories of all the times my mom beat me, tortured me, and put me in the hospital

[RACSKC0B]

That sucks.
It would distort your understanding of what someone who cares about you, does to show you that they do, right.
Because you were so young, I imagine it's very difficult to reprogram yourself, especially since a lot of people in your life seem to only have reinforced that's how people who care about you should treat you.
It's not.
You have 2 daughters right?

[IMuser]

It's a weird situation: if majority of younger girls start admiring older men, what are the younger men supposed to do? The older men got experience through women of their age (like a 30 year old had his share of experiences with a girl of similar age). If the young girls (let's say 18-21) go for men 35+, what are the 20+ men supposed to do? How can they learn to be with a woman when the women their age ignore them?

[wingattebaby16]

that is what older cougars are for.. to train young men the Proper way to please a woman.

[shaysh87]

I think its very important for you to take a look at marriage statistics. Vast majority of women are marrying men that are less than 10 years older than them. Don't just listen to what an old chaser has to say.

[IMuser]

@wingattebaby16 I wish it was as easy to have an "older cougar" to teach me. Due to the laws of supply and demand, it would be equivalent to finding a girl of your age who is interested in you (especially because cougars are less common than the old men who are your type)

@shaysh87 the statistics show the current trends. For example, 50 shades of grey (and other videos / literature) made bdsm comparatively normalised as compared to past. On a similar note, kinks like cuckolding, being blacked etc are gaining popularity. They will, in some degree, have an effect over the dating/marriage community. Let's say me as 21 year old guy was able to get married at 35 with a girl in range of 25-35. The kids who are 10 years younger than me may have a difficult time as the notion of "being with older men is a blissful experience" might get popular with girls and thus, those young guys will be frustrated

[shaysh87]

@IMuser

actually, the age gap has lessened over the past 20 years. Back then women were stay home wives, many of them didn't have an education or career so they needed a man to adequately financially support them. Nowadays, women hold careers and there are more women in college than men, so they no longer need men to support them. Therefore, women are marrying men closer to their own age.

@wingattebaby16 is just one girl. She does not represent the vast majority of us young women. I'm 26 and I can tell you that I'm not interested in marrying any man over the age of 35. Take a look at statistics rather than focusing on simply what 1 girl has to say.

[IMuser]

@shaysh87 let's just hope i am overthinking, thanks

[shaysh87]

@IMuser

www.pewresearch.org/.../

As you can see according to research and statistics, vast majority of the world's age difference between married couples is less than 10 years apart.

[shaysh87]

@IMuser

Empirical evidence has also accumulated in support of women's preferences for older men, and as you might expect, the data often overlap with those data supporting men's preferences. As this sample of Conroy-Beam and Buss's (2019) review suggests:

Cross-culturally, women report wanting partners who are (on average) 3.5 years older than them.
In online dating, women make the first contact with older men at a greater than rate they do younger men.
Marriage records show that women are marrying men who are older than they are by about 3 years.

www.psychologytoday.com/.../what-we-know-about-age-gaps-in-dating-love-and-marriage

[IMuser]

@shaysh87 so to summarise, age gap is natural but not too large? (and thanks for the report, i will read it thoroughly sometime)

[shaysh87]

@IMuser

Vast majority of people are marrying partners that are less than 10 years older or younger than them. Marriages with a 20 yr age difference is extremely rare.

[coachTanthony]

I believe the only people who get upset are older women.

[Vegasrunner]

@coachTanthony Agreed. A big part of that has to do w/ how important maintaining sexual leverage is for woman. It's easier for men to continue to find partners as they get older and most women simply refuse to accept that their value is tied to their beauty. As they loss value their sexual strategy is to use shaming tactics in the Hope's of reducing the number of men that understand that their value lies in their accomplishments. In short women dont like when there are double standards that dont benifit them.

[Robbey]

I grew up in Charleston, South Carolina but I’ve lived in Atlanta my whole adult life. And for what it’s worth, I’m also an active, committed Christian (though hardly fanatical) and fully qualified to be ordained as an Episcopal minister.

I was in a long, unhappy abusive, marriage with a man who was a few years older than me. When we separated after 14 years married plus 4 years of dating, I was 34 with four daughters aged 13, 11, 10, and 8.
I knew I wanted to have a relationship and I knew I wanted a man who was kind, well-educated, handsome, good manners, fine with me having four underage children and who’d also be a good, strong, male role model for my girls.
As it happened, I found it in an African-American man 18 yo and we definitely clicked emotionally and physically. After a few years, we had rings bought, wedding date set, plans on having kids together, my girls liked him, but it wasn’t meant to be. After a while, I was lucky enough eventually be in a relationship with another man 24yo, who also happened to be my ex-husband’s boss (not why I dated him), we also clicked and had a great relationship for a few years but it wasn’t meant to be.

I think the reason I was drawn to these two men was that I was able to trust them to be the men they presented themselves as and for whatever reason, their age probably had a lot to do with it (and I’m aware how naïve that sounds). The irony is that I didn’t realize that until I started. a relationship with my second (current) husband, who like the two older men possessed the qualities I need/want in a man. The irony is that I’m 12yo than him. He asked me out a few times over the years, and while I always liked him, because of the age difference and the stigma surrounding older women dating younger men, I didn’t quite trust him or feel comfortable dating him. But one of my sisters was like ‘Hey, he seems sweet and genuine why not give him a chance?’ so I did. We’ve been together 8 years, married for 6, and have two kids together.

So, hopefully, to answer your question, my attraction to older men was because for many years I found it easier to trust them and be vulnerable with them.

[Jamie05rhs]

Hi, Robbey. Thanks for sharing your story.

I have a question:. You were already 12 years older than the second guy (the 24 year old.). And you were 16 years older than the 18 year old. So why was it an issue to date your current husband?

[Robbey]

@Jamie05rhs They were 18 and 24 yo (years older) than me, not the other way around.

[Jamie05rhs]

@Robbey OHHH! Thanks for clarifying! Yeah, I think a lot of people interpret "y. o." as "years old.". So that makes quite a difference!

[TheHelleri]

"in the 1700 to early 1900's, so many girls 12-14yo were wives to men in their 30's, had babies by 14 yo, and lived until 30-40 years old."

This is a common misunderstanding. While it was legally possible to marry a girl so young. It was very rarely done in practice. Such provisions tended to exist for off chance legal situations that could arise. It's important to remember in the 18th to 19th century in many western countries, women didn't exactly have property rights (or more accurately they were slowly becoming more of a thing).

But a debutante did not even make her debut (become publicly considerable for courtship) until 16-18 years old. And it would often not be until the next year after an engagement that they were actually married or considered properly married (pregnant after being married). Some could spend 2-3 years working to find a match. And a very unfortunate few (considering the potential social/legal/financial ramifications) never did manage to marry. Or only married once absolutely necessary for their survival.

But between the 18th and 19th centuries the average age of women at the time of first marriage was between 22 to 26 years old (this changed over time and dependent on the specific locale). Also the average age for men to first marry was only a few years older than that. The whole 40-50 year old marrying a 19 year old or younger was as off putting to them as it often is to us.

You might think 'Okay but they COULD get married at like 12." Mhm... They still can. Depending on where you live of course. But let's just take say the lowest marriage legal age in the US with parental consent (back then they would have needed parental or guardian consent just the same). In Massachusetts a girl can be married as young as 12. But that's just the lowest explicitly given legal age state side. Many US states simply don't have a lower age limit. In theory and infant could be married at birth. And it's not just a problem in theory. CBS actually did a special report on child marriage in America. It's rampant. It's much more of a thing now and with even wilder age gaps than it was even in theory back then.

Now the average life expectancy was weighted significantly by infant mortality rates. Women were also a lot more likely to die during childbirth or shortly after. But even that doesn't compare to just how unlikely one was to make it to their 3rd birthday. However if one could make it to say about age 7. Their chances of making it to adulthood were a lot better. And if someone could make it to their 30's or 40's. There wasn't much left in the way of them easily making it to their 70's if not 80's or even 90's.

[Sleevey]

Is it really? Frowned on by religion that is? Many people would argue that it’s very normal if not preferred in many cultures. Men literally keep developing mentally and physically into their 20s. We are literally mentally immature at 21. Women do not. Physically women mature much faster. If you see grade 7 or 8 boys and girls they don’t even look near the same age. By age 14 most women have done growing and boys haven’t started. It true mentally as well.
at 21 women are about peek fertility wise. Most have been fertile from 13 ish or something younger, though physically are not best developed to have children for a few more years.
there is a word, Hypergamy, that is very relevant for male and female relations since the evolution of humanity. It sometimes used as a derogatory term, compared to “gold diggers” but the biological reality explains it much better.

human babies are very resource and attention intensive to have and raise. If looked at on a primal human level, or tribal roots, to become pregnant for 9 months with ever greater need for food, shelter, and protection. Resources in general.

the need for more protection, food and shelter increases until birth, but really kicks in after the child is born. human children are helpless, they are totally dependent on others for at least the first 2 years. Breast feeding is caloric intensive and the mother requires increased food needs in that period, though women have always continued gathering or even hunting carry a child, (papos) but food, shelter and protection is still high even once a toddler can walk on thier own.
men are literally wired to do all three for women and the next generation of the tribes children. But despite what many believe men reach thier physical peek at around 32. At that age they are at their strongest physically and mature mentally. As a provider 32+ is when men are at the top of their game.
on a tribal level, women are their most fertile and putting it bluntly are probably most able to attract a mate in their teens and early 20s. Men don’t mate for resources they they are attracted to physical health, interpreting attraction by facial symmetry, hips for birthing, breast for feeding, how well they start up indicates health, and all those physical indicators we call physical beauty are indicators of fertility and likelihood of carrying and caring for children.
Present day. The 200,000 years of human evolution have naturally paired young women with older men. What is different is the complexity of modern society that has delayed the age of maturity in both sexes, not so physically but mentally. In Canada 14 was age of consent until only a few decades ago. I don’t know what religion you referring to but most I've seen are ok with it, some even encourage it

[ArtemisSilver]

This has been a really interesting read. I can relate to your horrible youth history, and understand some of what you must have felt like, although my own situation was less extreme but still bad.

I've always found it funny that this kind of relationship is frowned upon by the religious community. I know that if it happens too often, then it results in a lot of unhappy young men, with no romantic partners, but we have that already regardless of what older men do now thanks to the online dating space and young men winding up without prospects. Interesting fact, almost every important biblical figure had multiple wives, many of whom were much younger, so the religious crowd being against it is really just a social control mechanism, and has fuck all to do with the teachings.

Then you have the dark side of the whole young women with older men thing, where there is trafficking, abuse, pimping, murder, and worse. Which everyone seems to instantly think of. Which is abhorrent and unacceptable.

In our current western society, the concept of the nurturing, uplifting, and loving older male, with strong positive masculinity has been essentially censored from the general consciousness. Almost everything that makes a man a good strong and worthy man has been systematically demonized and conflated with hedonistic predation.

We then are told to be soyboys, who check our privilege and are encouraged to practice homosexuality even in instances where it's not actually part of our individual nature (if that's your truest self then no worries be yourself I don't judge you at all) but rather a programmed and encouraged behavior. The reason for this is that men, thus weakened are easy to control. They aren't going to be the ones to rise up and challenge oppressive tyrants, or break free from the dictates of what small task they have been assigned.

I wasted a decade of my life being one of those suppressed men, doing some corporate administrative and sales nonsense making someone else rich.

I have finally learned to be my own master, grow strong again, and shake off the rust and since doing so, younger women like the OP here have been seeking me out looking for someone who can help them become their best selves, so I will date 18+ regardless of the taboo, and be a mentor to women who want that from me.

Ones that don't like it can go do something else, I don't want reluctant companions. I've met so many young women in my life that would benefit from this kind of positive masculine guidance relationship that I've embarrassed what the west calls polyamory, although I practice it more like an old-school harem, and when I gather enough strength in the material sense I intend to leave for somewhere like eastern Europe where strong high-value men are appreciated instead of being constantly attacked and vilified.

I'm also working on networking with other men and women who get what's happening and are interested in being more than a worker bee who goes along with the popular narrative and the group think.

Once I've done all that, my goals are to launch a number of start-ups designed to address major social issues and better humanity in general.

As for going lower than 18 in terms of sex and romance, I don't go there because I respect the law, but I also don't mind being a surrogate big brother and helping lost younger people of either gender become their best selves. Even this is a risk because people can't imagine a man having positive intentions anymore.

I swear the western world is going absolutely insane. Why can I marry a man, or just go out sewing oats and have that be fine, but not marry a few young women and enjoy life and spread happiness?

I'm sure even this very measured take on the subject will get me flammed at the very least but whatever.

[Thatgirlcvp]

Wow your life is so compelling. If they created a tv show out of your life, I would watch it. Your story is amazing. You've lived an audacious life. A hard life assuaging your real mother even though she tore you down whenever she could. Was your mother a narcissist by any chance? Just some of the things she did look familiar. I'm extremely sorry you had a mother like her and you are unbelievably strong for prevailing. Your mother is definitely the reason why you went down a dark path in your life. I'm glad you've met some strong men who could be there for you. Though those men who dated you so young are straight up pedophiles.

I feel like your real father not liking that you're dating someone 19 years older is a typical dad reaction. They'll always be concerned no matter what, even if they're being a hypocrite. Just continue being happy and don't surround yourself with negativity. Cut the negativity out of your life. I'm glad that you're happy. You deserve a happy life.

Personally, I've always liked older men. But... I am too afraid to date one. I once went on a date with a guy that was 9 years older than me and the age difference bothered me too much. It's weird because I'll have straight up legit crushes on older male celebrities. I don't know if I could actually do it though.

I don't think I've ever met a man that actually made me want to try it. I've had older men into me but I was too disturbed and disgusted to take them seriously even though I like some older guys. I've had men who really wanted to date me who were way older than your husband. I guess it just has to be the right one for me, it can't be just anyone and who knows if I'll meet someone like that.

Also I have this negative view on older men. If an older man dates me, he's getting someone really good. A young girl with zero experience, attractive with zero baggage. Who would I be getting? An old wrinklie man with an unfit body with tons of baggage from being so old and emotional baggage from living a stressful life. It makes me feel like he's a perverted old man and I'm like the foolish one getting taken advantage of.

That's just how I feel personally. No offense to anyone. So maybe I don't know what I want. Maybe it's just a fantasy for me and not a serious thing I would do. But definitely all the power and love to those who find the one for them and make it work.

But I was also raised by a narcissistic father. I don't know if I have daddy issues. I don't think I do. But can I really find someone even though my dad raised me so horribly with all of his mad issues?

Also I want to tell you this crazy dream I had haha. I had a dream recently where I was married to a man who was 84 years old. And I loved him and he loved me even though he was like married a bunch of times before.

I remember in the dream the relationship wasn't about the sex, it was more about my and his emotional wellbeing. Like he lived his life and he knows what a woman wants and he paid extra care and attention to me. He was emotionally intelligent. And I remember in that dream I truly loved him.

I've never been in love before with a man so I don't know what it feels like. But in that dream I felt this strong love for him, I wonder if that's what real love feels like. I wanted to be around him all the time, I just wanted to be in his presence and when I was I was complete and so happy. Even if I was just sitting next to him.

His attention made me feel like I was on cloud nine. He had cancer and he was going to die in a few years and I felt so terrible, I didn't want him to die. I wonder if that was infatuation and not love. But yeah I had that dream and I thought it was interesting.

By the way I am very religious.

[love_conquers_lust]

As alluring as it sounds, I'd argue it's because it can be unsustainable if it gets out of balance. In history, when the male to female ratio tips towards males, that is a baaaaaaaad mix for societies. Older guys "poaching" younger girls has the same effect as M/xF polygamists, rarely do you ever hear of the opposite (F/xM). Older guys may be "wiser", but the truly wise ones should be wise enough to remember what it was like to be full of piss and vinegar. And it's enraging to be young and teeming with testosterone with no where to dump it. The "oh you're just not mature enough and you should just be happy that she's happy" won't fly forever. Wars can break out. Ironically, it's often the "wise" guys hoarding the women who end up leading these hoards of pissed off men, to go kill another societies men. This is partly why China looks so scary. Probably why there is effemination of men over there. "You girl now. Now go sew these bags for 8 hours a day. I don't care if you can't afford it on an entire day's paycheck." This model ultimately doesn't usually benefit women either. It means death, rape, famine, and women dying alone or in an open relationship because there aren't any males around. Humans have violent ways of correcting imbalances.

But, out of necessity because of males shorter life spans, we've evolved it out necessity. There's a balance struck. There are many other factors at play. Like too large an age gap can be boring as shit for either party when they don't share a lot in common. But holy shit can the sexual drive be strong. I came home from college my freshman year and my buddies sister had just started high school and started to mature. Boy did her eyes light up when I walked in the door. That was a 5 year age difference and she literally sat at the base of my feet for hours while I played video games with my friend. When we drove up to her grandfathers to shoot some clays, she decided she wanted to ride with me and cranked up Foreplay by Hed PE in my little piece of crap Focus, nearly blew out my speakers. That was jailbait, against my morals, and she was my friend's sister. So, I didn't move on that. But I saw just how horny girls can get. It's probably the similar for older women in a different sense. But the cards are stacked against them because dating a younger guy usually means going backwards. Female empowerment is supposed to get around this as they make more money, but men are having major insecurity issues being the dependent and women losing respect for them, a phenomena that is likely instinctive and social conditioning, and something we haven't evolved beyond. I'd argue female empowerment is failing us on another front in demanding higher wages from owners for everyone, they're not moving fast enough. But that scenario depends on how humans want to go.

The tradeoff for ladies is they live longer. They don't have to take as many risks. They're not built to sustain as much damage. Modern society is desperately trying to automate risk out of existence, but we're struggling to do it sustainably.

One man for every woman has been the optimal ratio for all parties involved. This is where monogamy beats the ever living crap out polygamy. Promiscuity attempts to skeet around it, buuuuuut, it destroys families, also not sustainable. So, a lot of factors at play here. You may not be able to help what you're attracted to. But perhaps understanding how dynamics play out will help you better understand yourself.

[ShellyB]

I understand the attraction to older men and I am attracted to them sometimes! However let me mention that my boyfriend is only two years older than me and the max age difference I've had in a relationship with another guy was 8 years (he was 27 I was 19) and that was a short relationship that never got too serious (clothes stayed on). So although I am attracted to older guys, I don't generally follow through on it.

The reason I am attracted to older guys is mainly that they are confident and know how to talk to people moreso than most younger guys. Of course I don't mean every older person or every younger person but I just mean on average. Like if I am with a girlfriend at a bar and a young guy chats with me, it's usually complimenting me and bragging about something he did or just asking if I like him, and asking if I want to hang out, vs if an older guy chats with me, it sometimes has a lot more depth or better questions or really apt comments about what I am feeling or experiencing or going through, or things he has experienced that are really interesting to hear about. I am not sure I am explaining it well, but generally I feel like older guys understand girls more, know what they are doing in life a lot more and can act more confident without seeming like jerks. Also the stuff they hint about doing or invite me to do can be a different level just because of where they are in life, for example they might have a boat or a vacation home.

It might be daddy issues and I am just making excuses!! But I don't think so. I have never been with a much older guy, ie my dad's age, but I have been tempted and turned on several times and if I had been single at the time, it might have happened.

[wingattebaby16]

you hit the nail on the head about more deep and mature conversation AND it not being all about him.

[Pinay_ako]

First, can I give you a hug? Sorry 😣 about your past and having an abusive mom. Second, you’ve come a long way since then and applaud yourself for who you are now! I’m glad to have met you here sister! My thoughts on your post is that, older men do give that comfort and safety net that we all yearn from our fathers as little girls. I have a very good relationship with my father who is also my best friend. At my age, I am surrounded by men with money, authority and stability and sex is always going to play a major part in a relationship! And these men, get stronger as they age! I am not talking about men my age. No, men in their 50s and up! Most of them, the ones I actually know personally prefer women as young as 35 and up because if they get any younger, that to them is a big no unless for some who have fetishes on younger women… These men look good, take care of themselves and they impress me because they age so fine, any woman won’t be able to resist. The ones I know in their 30s even my age, 🙄. Look like they’re stuck in their college life some still playing the game. Oh please… they think if they can snag a woman in their 20s is like winning 🥇. Who are they trying to impress? 🤣 themselves! So no 😑 Do not come at me coz I’m talking about personal experiences! ✌️

[Qdbrown]

Women who lose their dad's in a positive way often show signs of daddy issues. A step-dad is not ideal, even if he is caring and tries to be the dad, the very best of the best is a loving and caring two parent home, and for a daughter is where a dad shows her the way. It works in reverse with son's.

A daughter's first love is her dad. Everything she understands and believes is from her relationship with her dad. If that is interrupted in anyway, she will go off in life to get those gaps fulfilled by other men. And the easiest to fill them is an older man.

Most single parent homes are almost always daddy issues. Dad gets kicked out or dies. Many men come through while dating mom, so the mom is showing daughter that no man is ideal, and to keep trying. Eventually the single mom finds a guy, and about half are horrible. This really sets the daughter up for all kinds of failures.

The daughter walks off in life confused. Unsure and with low confidence. The older man will seem like a wellspring of wisdom, strength, maturity and best amount of resources. That daughter will idolize that older man.

Here is the rub, not all older men are good people. He could having her doing a lot stuff that is not healthy. I have seen older guys take these younger girls and turn them into trophy wives. I have heard countless stories of having her go naked around the house, pose for pictures, and show off to friends and do favors for various reasons. Some of these women will do anything to keep that guy. And it's caused by losing her daddy.

[Lionman95]

Being a rather younger guy I would say I can understand some of your points though it feels like unfair to me but that´s another story.

I can understand that it´s easier to go to a guy who has more life experience and who knows what he wants because it comes with less stress especially if you had an unstable youth.

I´m just not sure if that´s something that works for all women because I have colleagues that chose way younger guys. So maturity isn´t necessarily something that comes with age.

But aside from that it´s true that many young guys are immature and not really interested in marriage or relationships and that´s foremost because their fathers either had not the opportunity or absolute no interest to tell and show them what masculinity means and what a man is and what´s expected of them. Another big reason because they grow with the feeling of having no purpose in this world.

It seems strange to some people because it makes the girl look like she´s wanting to take but not give. Like why should she choose an older if not for his money. But besides that people will always talk no matter who you go for.

[normalice]

it's a little bit parasitic of the guy. But I suppose it's also a little bit parasitic of the girl. Security is supposed to flow one way in time and potential in the other. The old man reaches forward in time to grab potential from someone who doesn't know it's value. The young woman reaches backward in time to grab security from someone who pretends its not just another drug.

I mean if it's just a sex thing, firm young girls are great for that and old men know what we're doing (probably), but that's exactly the value most women don't know about - they will want a relationship someone who consistently fucks them, thus wasting years on a man who will not mature beyond where they are. And maybe they'll think it was a fair price for the experience but I think they neglect to scrutinize precisely how valuable that experience was. A unsatisfied man who wanted a malleable woman to wrap around his dick. Nothing more. No lessons she couldn't have read in a blog. No clues to obtaining a better social life. Just some self-absorbed weirdo's need to feel like he's not so far along in this life..

[Greedier]

Oh wow 😳, that's what I call a long text lol. Sorry, but I just read the main question and skimmed through the rest. 😂

I'm christian, but regarding this subject I think it's up to the person. As long as they want it, go for it.

However, I'd say this subject is still frowned upon people cos it's just natural.

When you see a couple, one of them in their twenties and the other one in their fourties, fifties +. You can't help it, but think that they have the age to be their partner's parents or even grandparents.

So when we associate these both things together, that's why so many people "frown upon" big age gap differences.

• It also depends on how we were brought up, e. g.:

My parents have same age, so once I reach my thirties I couldn't imagine myself dating a guy that's more than 4 years apart my age.

That's just natural.

Not everyone thinks the same way.

Not everyone will be in favor.

But there will certainly be some people that are in favor, the same way some are not.

[TheSpaceGnome]

I think in part you answered your own question.

It's generally regarded as bad for mentally immature people to be having sex.

You had a very shitty life, and it honestly sounds like everyone involved was pretty terrible, but you responded to it in an immature way. You were unable to ditch bad habits without being pressured by an authority figure, and If you had gotten pregnant, I do not think you would have been able to properly care for a child because of this.

People are supposed to be responsible human beings BEFORE having sex.

Now if both people are responsible are adults, and there is an age gap higher than 15 years between them, people tend to still look down on it. But at that point, it's more about people being bitter that someone their own age doesn't want them, and is instead going for younger or older people.

And lastly, if there is a large enough age gap, becoming a widow/widower is more likely.

It's a very complex topic, but the shorthand is people are risk averse.

[TenderFantasy]

Actually it isn't abnormal for society to think older man younger woman is the norm. It has BEEN like that since forever really. It's actually the opposite that was somewhat controversial.

It's a sad reality. Guys DO, on average, mature later than women and that is one of the reasons, I heard that it became the norm.

Also, for fertility reasons usually as unfortunately, women are born with all the eggs they will have for life. At least that is what I read. However, my aunt, bless her. She is 48 and gave birth to twin male and female back in 2012!

My last serious ex was 8 years my senior. It's true the things you are saying in terms of maturity but at the same time, I have also seen some matured young men.

Also, as much as men don't want to admit it, their sperm quality DOES decline as they age. Also, time to pregnancy increases.

You do you. At the end of the day, it's your life so you will have to deal with the consequences of your actions, good or bad, stupid or wise.

[TenderFantasy]

Also you have to think that a lot of society was founded on patriachial values where the man is in power over the woman!

[HighValue]

Men's fertility declines gradually after age 55. Women's fertility declines sharply after age 35.
It is in educational biology books and based on statistics too.

[anon1903]

I think dating both younger and older men has its pros and cons. If I were to list cons of dating older men, there won't be many. But there'd be possibility of divorce, kids, custody drama, abortion drama, "she's so young she doesn't get me", "you're just like my exes, you all women are same" drama as an older man is more likely to have a longer list of people he's dated, and I really doubt that older automatically translates into rich. I know lots of men who are easy on the eyes and can get laid just like that but they struggle financially. I'm against measuring a man's worth from his income. I come from a middle class family too, and I wouldn't sigh and say love is more important, because it's not. I think his and ours happiness is most important. Is he happy with his career? Am I happy with mine? Do we still wanna share a lazy romantic evening on Sundays? If the answers are positive, yes I'll date him.

Great take. I love how tactful you sounded while also being bold. Religious people needs to mind their own business.

[jhl_x]

There are two groups who see situations like this and dislike it:

Young single men who have to deal with young single women within their age gap considering them immature and without their shit together, who them go for older men with the experience with women and resources, who are basically unfair competition against the younger and inexperienced guys.

Older single women who don't get male attention from single men within their age group, since these men are going for younger single women.

[zeitgeist057]

You nailed it. I've been at parties, hitting it off with a younger woman, then a younger man comes up and he's jealous so starts throwing shade on my age and embarrassing himself with desperation. Same thing with older women, trying to cock block thinking they can intercept and receive lol.

[DoctorSex]

Single women in their 30's tend to dislike younger women dating men in that age group. This is all about competition, often the simplest answer is always the most accurate.

As a man who is 32, I'm living this real time. Women who were sweet and gentle in their teen years, turn confident and active in their 20's, turn angry and aggressive in their 30's. Almost as if they're fighting for a watering hole in the dessert.

Women my age either want me married to them, or want me dead before I marry a woman 10 years younger.

Kind regards,

DoctorSex

[Screenwriter]

You've had a very hard time in your life with your mom. I'm unsure why your mom was abusive toward you, and ran through so many men. It couldn't have been healthy for you to see or experience.

I don't think it matters how old your partner is, as long as that person is good to you and your children. And, of course you have daddy issues since your dad was absent from your life and there was no permanent father figure for you.

It's very clear from psychologists that women who lose their fathers too early in life don't learn how they should be treated by a man and often engage in inappropriate and early sexual behavior.

Your life story seems to be an example of this. I wish you all the luck for yourself, your marriage and your children. Blessings.

[Kaamraj]

The sexual marketplace is an exchange between two commodities traditionally: the woman's youth and fertility and the man's resources. For most men, these resources come from the acquisition of education, skills, experience, reputation, connections, etc. which takes time. This marketplace dynamics stems from biological and reproductive strategies where men have a much longer fertility window then women.

This dynamics can be seen all throughout history and even in most places of the world outside the west. It is common to have a ten-year age gap between the man and woman.

Shaming this dynamic is a recent phenomenon.

[ethanallen]

Stated perfectly!