A few nights ago I was sat down with a few girlfriends at a trendy bar in town. We were chatting away like tipsy gals do, talking about the usual stuff until the 4th or 5th round of whiskey sours caught up to us, that's when the traditional round of 'boy' updates started. As we made our way around the circle, some girls were single or just dating, one engaged another married, and we all began to report, in intimate details, our last escapade, disastrous date or lack of sex altogether. I got bored of the same-old same-old answers so I uped the ante. I pulled aside the sexiest waiter I saw and said: "Hey sweety, bring me a bottle of tequila and some shot glasses, pleaaaaaaase!"
The table fell silent. Faces frozen with eyebrows raised.
I went on to say, that we were all going to tell our BEST cheat stories. How we did it, when, on/with whom, and if we got away with it. For each story that had an overlap with another girl, she would have to drink. So, if the story teller is talking about having sex in a car with her lover, or cheating with her man's best friend and you did that too - you'd have to take a shot - without interupting the story, of course.
Let me tell you - DID WE GET $*%T FACED FAST!
When I woke up the next morning to a pounding headache, I cradled myself with a tablet, a comforting cup of coffee and began to muse the previous night's antics. Between grasping my head and moaning, I had a little epiphany. I realized that in my band of merrymakers were the glaring archetypes of the kinds of women that cheat, and each of my girlfriends represented a certain type. Here's the breakdown I imagined:
The Egomaniac
This is your classic man-eater. She's drop deap gorgeous and she's knows it. She is so high up on her self that she thinks she is above morality and can have ANY man she wants. She is an attention addict. She cheats not because she necessarily wants to, but because she so easily can.
The Kissing-Whore
This chick is the one that never actually 'gets in bed' with someone else, but she is always the one at parties or on girls' night out who's flirting, kissing, and groping all the boys. She's got a nice guy at home but just can't keep her hands off other hotties. Since she doesn't do the deed, she never feels guilty and so keeps on molesting!
The Shocker
This is the woman who seems like she has it all. A happy marriage, a sexy husband who adores her, a great job etc etc. She makes it all look so easy and is always looking down her nose at those who admit to cheating. Until she drops the bomb and everyone is staring at little Ms.Perfect shocked, while she spills the beans on how she's had a long term lover.
The Brainiac
She is devious. From the first moment she laid eyes on her next victim she 'knew' she'd use-n-abuse-n-lose him. She's super smart so she never gets caught. Cheating is a kind of sexual arousal for her, like fore-play, because she keeps on getting away with it, and guys keep asking for more. She's smug about it too since she's never emotionally involved.
The Hippy-Chick
This woman is all new-age and 'spiritually open' to being polyamourous, she gives off an aura of being open-minded and into alternative relationships that nuture the soul, except that she's only in it for her self. The guy she dates is not allowed those same good vibes that she is spreading on the side.
The Avenger
I saved the best for last, and one that is probably the most common: the revenge cheater. All she has to have is one tiny suspicion that her man is cheating or even thinking about it, and she'll be out there banging his friends before you can even say the word 'infidelity'. And usually once is isn't enough, she'll cheat a few times to get ahead or get a leg-up kind of speak. She wants to get caught so he'll find out, so her sex-capades are pretty daring too.
I won't tell you which type I fall under... but I'd love to know ladies which one you've belonged to! I'll leave you with a parting thought for those in denial:
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